28 February 2013

The Wringer

First off, I am so grateful to have been the recipient of all of your prayers. February has not been an easy month, particularly this last week.

The pg announcement from one of my oldest friends has been especially hard to deal with -- particularly since she doesn't have a motherly bone in her body and she isn't 100% sure about her fiancé (he proposed to her with a ring he had bought for his ex-girlfriend, I can't even wrap my head around that!). It was hard not to feel like God was mocking us. I wish that I didn't feel that way, but I did.

This past week I've had a hard time praying -- Mr JB and I were praying the rosary together every night as part of our Lenten promise, and I every night for the past week I've either fallen asleep or just plain forgot. I know that being angry at God isn't the best way to cope with my jealousy, but that's where I am right now.

Not only did I get the surprise pg announcement, but I found out that same afternoon that my credit card had been compromised AND that a mystery bill of $1150 materialized from Omaha (yes, after paying off almost $8000 at the end of December).  And top to it off, I woke up on Sunday morning with a killer sore throat.

It amazes me that I could even function. 

Thankfully, my class received their First Reconciliation last Tuesday and I had the chance to go to confession. I'm not sure if the priest understood my confession completely because he kept on saying that I need to be open to human life -- I said more than once that we were, but his comments indicated that he just didn't understand. Perhaps it was two hours of listening to seven year old children and their sins or just inexperience with us scary infertiles, who knows. I figured as I left the confessional that my sins were absolved regardless of whether or not he knew what he was talking about.

Which brings me to today.

We had an appointment with our wonderful Napro doctor which I wasn't really looking forward to, despite getting the miraculous news that my FSH lowered.  I did a hormonal profile, but no ultrasound series last cycle and she says that I'm ovulating late judging from how my estrogen numbers. Based on this she wants us to do a trigger shot TONIGHT! It's a day later than she would normally want to do an HCG trigger, but she figures that it's still a good thing to try.

I'm going to be quite the pincushion for the next two cycles: low dose HCG pre-peak, HCG trigger on day 15 and then post-Peak HCG (on P+3, 5, 7 & 9). Holy crap! Have I mentioned that I really don't like needles???

We also had an appointment with our social worker this afternoon. It was our first official homestudy appointment which was exciting. We went over all of the paperwork that we need to fill out and she started asking us questions about our upbringing and our home. I can't believe that we're finally on our way! She thinks that we can be done by April which would be amazing. Is it actually possible that we will be parents in the next year????

So, on this last day of being "adopted" myself. I am so thankful that all of you have prayed for me. I know that it was your prayers that kept me going this past week especially -- there were many times that I wanted to just curl into a ball and give up, but your support carried me through it.

As Amy and Rebecca both texted me today that it isn't a coincidence that two BIG things happened on the last day of adopt-a-blogger.

I believe that there are no coincidences: I just hope that one of the things that we did today will lead to parenthood sooner, rather than later.


  1. The last time I confessed my anger, impatience, and envy related to IF, my priest gave me a primer on what is and is not acceptable treatment. I kept on saying "Thank you father, but..." because I already know. This has been my life for quite some time!
    Also, that's lots of HCG! I really hope it works for you!

  2. It does sound like your homestudy process is off to a great start. What good news! Good luck with the needles. I wonder if thinking about them differently might help, maybe finding a way to relate the pricks of the needles to the pricks of the thorns in His crown? (Yes, I am completely brainstorming/making things up here, so if it doesn't work for you, feel free to ignore it.)

  3. Definitely NOT coicidence, my dear!

    Such beautiful things I've already seen coming from Adopt-a-Blogger... I may have to post about it...

  4. I don't think I've ever been as successful as offering up my sufferings as I was this past month. No, really. I felt like a lightbulb went on and I finally got "how" to do it. I'm so sorry for all of your trials lately...the best friend one was especially killer, but I feel so blessed to have been able to pray for you this month. Lots of hugs.

  5. I was hoping you'd share how the prayers have helped and what has happened in the last month - and WOW! The addition of a trigger shot AND the beginning of your homestudy ... these are MAJOR happenings! I wish you all the best in both!!! I've been so glad to pray for you and continue to do so. :-)

  6. WOW, lowered FSH and the start of the homestudy! Huge! Congrats on both! I can't believe the homestudy could be done as early as April - that is awesome.

    I'm sorry about your surprise announcement friend. I know, these things are hard. I'm glad you have two good things going on right now to hopefully balance that other news.

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