11 February 2012

At War

I've had so many ideas to blog about, but I haven't been able to pin down one idea.

Until today.

I realized this morning, as I was lazily reading the Saturday morning paper and enjoying my gluten-free organic chicken sausages, that I've been at war.

With my body.

It was so much easier while I was recovering from my surgery. I knew that I needed rest and that I had strict limitations. Now that I'm three months post-op I feel mostly better, but I still feel so limited.

Listen, I knew before my surgeries that I wasn't going to bounce back instantaneously -- I know that a level one yoga class is still too challenging and that I still need to rest (we don't even need to mention the effect that my crazy class has had on my mental state!).

But it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

When I returned to my yoga practice it was really hard, mentally and physically. I'm used to being physically fit and it's hard when I can't do what used to be easy. I've been tempted to go on a really good power walk, but when I get home from school I am so spent from dealing with my students that I can barely get off the couch.

I've tried so hard to stop the negative internal dialogue, particularly the thoughts that I'm going to become fat* and even lazier. But I have to admit that when I fit into my favourite leggings the other day I felt a strange sense of accomplishment (I know it's just the swelling going down, I also felt so happy to button up my skinny jeans yesterday -- small victories, right?).

The war with my body has had so many different chapters. I started exercising because I had a poor self-image. I continued exercising because it helped when I was clinically depressed. I ramped up my yoga practice when I read that it would help with fertility and I've continued because I fell in love with how strong I felt after a good class.

I miss having the ninety minutes of peace that a class would bring me. I miss the endorphin high and the challenge. I miss sweating.

I've thought more than once that if I had to be IF for any longer it would be so nice to be completely healed so I could at least let my frustrations out in a class!

I feel like so many things are coming to a head in my life. I'm fed up with my body. I'm fed up with my class. And most of all, I'm fed up with being IF.

I want my body to be normal.

Is this too much to ask?

*Yes, I know that this is all in my head. Having a poor self-image is tough, I know.


  1. Not too much to ask at all. In fact, that's all I want: to be normal. Aah, good, old fashioned normalcy. Wouldn't that be nice?!

  2. Physically fit enough to do the things I want to do, and not in pain every day - that sounds like a dream. At this age, it should be reality. I hope that body nirvana you're seeking is just around the next corner...

  3. We just want so much don't we? To feel good (semi-good even); to have energy; to be a mommy.

    You are in my prayers.

  4. Ugh, I struggle with this, too! Why can't my body do what it's supposed to?!

  5. I had a really tough time in the few months following my last surgery as well. The healing was harder, took longer, than I was expecting, and I was just. so. tired. of my body being in pain and feeling broken.
    The good thing is, your body will heal, you will feel better, and things will improve little by little! And one day you'll realize you can move up to the next level yoga class :).

  6. Your wants seem to match most of us IF'er. I would love to go without pain for 24 hours and be able to fit into my clothing too in that same period of time.

  7. I am really enjoying yoga for the stress relief and the total relaxed feeling I feel after a session. Ah! It makes my Monday's so much better.

    I know about being fed up with IF. Too much. In time you will be healed and happier you had that surgery. :)

  8. I can so relate. It is incredibly frustrating to have been in such good shape and after surgery it takes a while to get back. I just returned to modern class 10 months after my surgery.... :( part of that was me psyching myself out, and part of that was waiting for my body to feel "better". I pray it won't take you as long as it did me.

    The physical activity helps us all deal with stress so much better! It sounds like you are pacing yourself well in returning to your yoga practice.

  9. I know how you feel about work draining you and wanting just to sit on the couch when you come home! Is it possible for you to take a year off and do something different? I know you love your job, but also you need to not have it be a huge energy sink in your life at this time. Hugs!

  10. Hooray for your skinny jeans and favorite leggings! I am one to celebrate the small stuff!!!
    Its hard to not be negative with all the disappointment you've faced. I will pray for you to recover quickly so you can get back into yoga class! At least that will make IF more bearable!

  11. Not too much to ask at all! The surgery recovery road is a very long one...it takes a long, long time to be back to where you were before the surgery, but I promise you will get there. And when you do, it'll be even better than before, because you'll be healed!! And in a few months you'll be done with that awful class! Honestly, I bet that will make a big impact on how you feel--being in an environment like that all day every day is SO draining. Count on my prayers coming your way girl!! :)

  12. I totally get where you are coming from. It isn't easy at all. This road to motherhood has been very difficult.You definately need an outlet.You will heal in time I am sure of it...more patience. Surrogacy is my last attempt at having a biological child. I don't know where my emotions will fall if it fails...I am having such a hard time with the thought of actually going through another IVF to retrieve my eggs for the surrogacy. I struggle each day with anxious thoughts. I am at the end of it now and the thought stirring in my mind lately has been..if this doesn't work then maybe I just have to work at acceptance and that it is God's will. He is not on my timeline.

  13. No it's definitely not too much to ask! I too, love working out, and it was infinitely frustrating not to be able to jump right back into things. It was several months before I really got back into things. And I had to take it slow far more than I wanted to! But hey, leggings and skinny jeans are a GREAT accomplishment! You WILL get there. Praying for you!!

  14. I don't have any magic words but am a good listener :) Prayers to you!

  15. Have you tried Hatha Yoga? It's gentler, physically (no acrobatic poses) but has lots of GREAT breathing! Super relaxing / rejuvenating. Praying for your continued healing. It's HARD to be patient, to ALWAYS be waiting, and then waiting some more, with an uncertain future. Ugh. I can so relate.

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