I've had so many ideas to blog about, but I haven't been able to pin down one idea.
I realized this morning, as I was lazily reading the Saturday morning paper and enjoying my gluten-free organic chicken sausages, that I've been at war.
With my body.
It was so much easier while I was recovering from my surgery. I knew that I needed rest and that I had strict limitations. Now that I'm three months post-op I feel mostly better, but I still feel so limited.
Listen, I knew before my surgeries that I wasn't going to bounce back instantaneously -- I know that a level one yoga class is still too challenging and that I still need to rest (we don't even need to mention the effect that my crazy class has had on my mental state!).
But it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
When I returned to my yoga practice it was really hard, mentally and physically. I'm used to being physically fit and it's hard when I can't do what used to be easy. I've been tempted to go on a really good power walk, but when I get home from school I am so spent from dealing with my students that I can barely get off the couch.
I've tried so hard to stop the negative internal dialogue, particularly the thoughts that I'm going to become fat* and even lazier. But I have to admit that when I fit into my favourite leggings the other day I felt a strange sense of accomplishment (I know it's just the swelling going down, I also felt so happy to button up my skinny jeans yesterday -- small victories, right?).
The war with my body has had so many different chapters. I started exercising because I had a poor self-image. I continued exercising because it helped when I was clinically depressed. I ramped up my yoga practice when I read that it would help with fertility and I've continued because I fell in love with how strong I felt after a good class.
I miss having the ninety minutes of peace that a class would bring me. I miss the endorphin high and the challenge. I miss sweating.
I've thought more than once that if I had to be IF for any longer it would be so nice to be completely healed so I could at least let my frustrations out in a class!
I feel like so many things are coming to a head in my life. I'm fed up with my body. I'm fed up with my class. And most of all, I'm fed up with being IF.
I want my body to be normal.
Is this too much to ask?
*Yes, I know that this is all in my head. Having a poor self-image is tough, I know.