24 August 2008

Infertile confessions

In the light of my first injection of HCG last night, I've had some interesting thoughts.

I'm a goal-oriented person, an obsessive list-maker and before all of the infertile business, I was very unfamiliar with failure. We've spent the past three years consumed with trying to make a baby. We went from temperatures, to charting, to Clomid, to a HSG then to an infertility clinic (where I had the joy of the dildocam and blood tests) and acupuncturist then to a NaproTechnology doctor. I have no idea how much money we've spent (I'm scared to do that accounting!) or how much time and emotion we've invested in making our baby JellyBelly.

After three years I've reached a point where I just feel numb. I no longer feel sad when AF arrives and I'm actually not even surprised. I take the drugs that my doctor gives me to lengthen my luteal phase without complaint. I visit the doctor and numbly take the diagnosis that certain drugs seem to not have worked. I even learned how to give myself needles despite my lifelong aversion and horrible fear.

But despite going through all of the motions of trying to make a baby, I can't seem to wrap my head around ever actually making one. I feel that my infertility has become such a big part of my life that it's become my identity (although a secret one to most). Have I gotten to this point as self-preservation? Or has the long road to making a baby distracted me from the end result?

I feel like I need a new distraction. Perhaps it's a good thing that school starts very soon...


  1. You don't know how much I relate to this post. I don't quite know what I would do if actually had a child and wasn't just trying to have one. I think we learn what to do when the next step comes, just like we have with this one.

    When do you actually go back to school? Have you set up your classroom yet?

  2. my room is all set up, but i'm still waiting for 75% of the stuff that was ordered to show up. i don't even have a desk!

    i'm surprised at how calm i am about it though! i'm heading to the cottage on wednesday regardless of whether the stuff shows up or not!

  3. I don't know if it helps, but add me to the list of women who can relate to all those feelings!

  4. My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

    I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

    I have experienced some of these side effects-
    HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

    I hope this information will be useful to others,
    Holly Lem