7 July 2008

Frustration knocking

I've been coasting on some impartial feelings regarding my lack of fertility for a few weeks now. And although a clear diagnosis has made my barrenness bearable (for now), feelings of jealousy and envy have come back with a vengeance.

I've received quite a bit of fertile news as of late. My crazy mother phoned me all in a tizzy to tell me that my cousin and his wife have adopted an 18 month old baby girl from Children's Aid (they are the same cousins that went through IF treatments for almost ten years before conceiving their beautiful daughter). My aunt is really upset that this new baby is not going to look like her biological granddaughter and she got my crazy mother all wound up about it. I kept on telling my mother that they always wanted more kids but I new that my cousin's wife wasn't ready to put her body through the rigours of IF treatments. She's said more than once that she was happy having an only (and I've told her time and time again that I really enjoy being one). It was my cousin that was pushing for a second. I personally think that it's the best compromise. Honestly, I'll never understand why my family members get all worked up about some things!

The second tidbit of fertility is that one of my mom's closest friend's daughter has gotten herself in a family way. It's a pretty big scandal since the daughter got married at city hall and not in the church (something unheard of in my culture of almost fanatic Catholicism) AND that she's 26! Now one would think that at the mature age of 26 one would be able to either make the choice to not have children and not get accidentally knocked up and have a shotgun wedding. I know plenty of 26 year olds that have gotten married then had children. Then again, I know that I sound like a bitter barren lady, but really now!

Yesterday, at my cousin's baby shower (that he threw for his wife AND gave out thank you cards as the guests were leaving! How tacky! The card even said, from Baby E, P and J, argh!), my mother told me that a friends 16 year old daughter has also gotten herself knocked up. I'm not a stranger to teenage pregnancy. All through high school girls were getting themselves in "trouble." Hell, even my cousin got knocked up when she was 16 and my cousin got his girlfriend pregnant last year. But every time I hear of yet another teenager getting pregnant I just feel like knocking my head against a wall. We've been trying for almost THREE YEARS, gone to numerous doctors, read books, gotten tested, been patient, prayed had others pray for us. It just felt like another kick in the teeth.

And lastly, at the baby shower yesterday we got the customary, "So when are you going to have kids?" questions. At least this time I could deflect them with our trip to Europe. But with all of the baby shower festivities (as few as they were at this particular shower) it was hard to ignore my nagging feelings of jealousy. My cousin and his wife (both who are 5 years younger than me) got pregnant by accident. And the clincher was that they got pregnant in the fall -- the best time for a teacher to get pregnant. I had to bite my tongue when I heard that they were having a girl and I was secretly hoping that the shower was going to be held while we were away. But alas, it wasn't.

I don't know how many more times I'm going to be able to stomach being around fertile people before I lose my mind.

I did get to sit with one of my parents' friends that struggled for more than 16 years to get pregnant. I remember when I was choosing which universities to apply to they announced that they were miraculously pregnant. This couple had gotten married around the same time my parents did and they thought they couldn't have children. But when my mom's friend turned 48 she found out that she was pregnant. She calls it a miracle that her daughter was born full term and healthy. As far as I know they didn't undergo any IF treatments when they did get pregnant. I remember being a teenager and hearing her say that her daughter should've been my age and that we should've be friends. Their story definitely gives me hope. I know that I've explored every avenue to ensure that I will one day have a baby, and I've been assured that with all of the antibiotics and progesterone therapy that I'm on will result in a baby-ready uterus.

I just wish that I didn't have hear about so many women getting knocked up by accident.

I hope they know how lucky they all are, because I sure as hell know that they are.


  1. Of course they don't realize how lucky they are to be knocked up and young. At that age, it is a burden. If they only really knew.

    I am tired of the fertiles moving forth and multiplying many times. I have a cousin who just surprised me with her third pregnancy and was so disappointed that the baby was going to be born in December because they really didn't want a Christmas baby and really wanted one born in January. . .blah, blah, blah. And I had to pretend to be sympathetic.

    Just keep thinking about your trip. It will be a blast!

  2. I'm lucky, as I live in a bubble. I'm not from Ontario, neither is my husband, so no family around, which is good, no knocked up cousin shower that I have to make an excuse to not go to. Which is what I'm going to recommend to you, be sick, don't go to showers, they are HELL...

  3. Wow . . . 48 years old? That makes my day! I have a lot more time than I thought! :) I think the worst thing to me about the showers and being around babies is being asked about the kid thing. That's just such a personal question in any circumstances!

  4. I'm with Duck: Find excuses to avoid showers. Send a gift (purchased online if possible). Or hell, just send cash. :) And screw 'em. They're never any fun anyway, even when you don't have the IF green monster clawing at your poor heart.

    Oooh! I'm so jealous (speaking of green monsters) of your trip to Europe! Have a wonderful time for me. It's been ages since I've gotten to hang around W. Europe... I hope you enjoy every single minute.

  5. I can totally understand the frustration... but I recently started thinking about something which makes me feel SO much better about accidental pregnancies and also our infertility:

    I have asked God to please accept my infertility in exchange for other life coming into the world that would not be aborted. In other words, for every month in which I DON'T get pregnant, I hope that someone out there DOES get pregnant and carries to term (whether it is planned or unplanned, risk for m/c or not). I'm not really sure if He's accepted the trade or not, but it makes me feel a lot better to believe that.

    And wow, it sounds like you have a ton of cousins!! ;)