I surrender

I feel like I'm the Debbie Downer of all IF bloggers.

I'm done girls. It's been a long time since I've actually hit rock bottom, but I'm definitely there. Yet again.

I know that part of this is physical and emotional exhaustion. Sudden deaths of family members are never easy. I also know that it's almost the end of the school year (there are 28 teaching days left) and I'm wiped out, despite having a wonderful, (mostly) well-behaved class.

This afternoon on my way to my favourite yoga class I had yet another talk with God. I told him that I was finished, that I just wanted to know that I could stop trying and be done with this horrible, sad, painful part of my life and move on. I don't want to live my life in two week increments, taking drugs, giving myself needles and charting. I hate having to plan my life around doctor's appointments and blood draws. I hate having to schedule when I can be intimate with my husband.

I have struggled with the idea that perhaps I'm just not meant to be a mother. Perhaps, my true purpose is to just be a teacher and fulfill my life in other ways.

I'm in pain. I feel abandoned.

But I have to continue on and pretend that I don't have a hole in my soul that has yet to be filled.

Maybe I need a break or a lobotomy. Or both.

I'll start with a glass of wine and hope that tomorrow will be less sad day.