29 September 2011

Thanks AF

I'm being serious.

Thank you for arriving on time this month. Now all of my ultrasound and blood work appointments are going to work out. My ultrasound trip to see TCIE is going to happen on our scheduled days.

Everything seems to be working out for my surgery.

I am a little tiny bit disappointed that I didn't get miraculously pg, but at least I have a fantastic plan. I have complete faith that the Lord has led me to Omaha and to Dr. H.

After six years of IF I have never been this happy for AF to arrive -- well, I was pretty happy when she returned after the dreaded L.upron, but this is different excitement.

Now don't get used to the warm reception AF, as soon as we get the green light to return to TTC I want you outta here!!!!

27 September 2011

Tuesday Musings

1. I slept until 5am this morning. I am convinced that I would've slept to the alarm if the stupid raccoons weren't going through our organic waste outside. The downside of sleeping with the windows open on garbage day. I hate raccoons, but I am thankful for my husband that cleaned the mess up.

2. I told my closest friend on my staff, M, about my surgery at lunch yesterday. We were on our way back to school and she asked me if there was anything new going on and I told her. She was so supportive and optimistic about the surgery's success. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. The next person I have to tell is my teaching partner, hopefully I can get that out of the way in the next couple of days.

3. Please pray for my friend M's family (yes, the M in #2). She got word this morning that her niece's boyfriend committed suicide and she was heartbroken. She left school as soon as she got the news, so I don't know all of the details. What I do know is that her niece was dating this boy for two years and that he was a lovely boy. Her niece is away at university so her dad (M's brother-in-law) went to console her while M and her husband went to her sister-in-law's work to break the news to her. I have personally known the darkness of depression, but I can't imagine how low this poor boy felt to end his life.

4. I have booked my day 5 ultrasound for Monday. There was no way I could get TCIE to do the baseline ultrasound, so I got the go ahead from my Napro doctor to get it done locally. I also spoke to the lab that will be taking my day 5 blood on Monday and they were so incredibly helpful. I had originally thought that I was responsible for sending my own blood to PPVI, so I had called Fed Ex (and spoke to someone very helpful!). Sending one vial of blood on my own would've cost $70!!!! The lab that is taking my blood told me that I wouldn't be allowed to ship my own blood and that they have a corporate account with Fed Ex, so shipping would only be $25.

5. Speaking of money. Mr. JB got in touch with our money guy and we were able to access all of the funds, and a bit more, for my surgery. I have $7000 in the bank from my extra tutoring and my summer job. We had to pay a disbursement fee, but I'm glad that we didn't have to borrow it. It makes a dent in our savings (and our down payment fund), but I am not going to dwell on that. We are so blessed to make a very generous wage and we'll be able to build up our house fund soon enough. Also, the annoying neighbours moved out at the beginning of the month and life has gotten so much more pleasant.

6. I spoke to my teacher's union and got advice about my medical leave. I was worried because my school board has recently implemented an employee absence tracking service. When you reach a certain number of sick days you get called in and get reprimanded. Because I have a doctor's note for both my absences I won't be penalized by the program. My principal was concerned that I would have to take part in the "counseling" they give employees with too many absences. What a relief!

7. My class is nuts. I was blessed with two years of great classes, but these kids are giving me a run for my money. I've had to resort to tactics I used with older kids since the same primary discipline techniques I've used are not working. Let's just say that the third day of school I had to talk myself out of getting wine. Instead I waited until the next day, since I wasn't coming home from a yoga class. Part of me is relieved to take the time off since they are CRAZY!

8. I saw my Cranio Sacral Therapist today and she was doing a lot of work in my abdomen area and she broke through a couple of adhesions. I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain (which has gotten worse with every cycle, thank God I am having surgery soon!) and she said that she felt quite a bit of scar tissue in my pelvis. I asked her if I had any infection issues and she didn't sense anything, but she said that I was high in metals and I had a virus of some sort. I told her I was convinced that Dr. H is going to find some sort of infection. She asked me how I knew and I told her that I just had a feeling. I am very in tune (almost too much in tune) with my body which isn't always a blessing.

9. I decided that I would tell my closer work colleagues about my surgery via e-mail. Rather than telling them in person (there's a group of four of them that I hang out with regularly), I'm going to send them a message while I'm with TCIE getting wanded. I'll send the message over Canadian Thanksgiving that way it'll give them the week to ask me any questions while I'm away then when I return we can hopefully get on with things. A big part of me know that I won't be able to tell them without getting upset, so it would be so much better for me emotionally AND if they have questions I can answer them in my own time (and hopefully via e-mail!). One of the girls is very pregnant and I don't want her to feel bad when she gets my news.

10. Despite all of the worrying I've been doing I have been feeling so much more positive. My massage therapist even said my jaw is doing so much better. My prayer buddy has been working overtime!!!!

11. Lastly, I want to pray a novena to prepare for my surgery. Does anyone out there have a suggestion?

25 September 2011


I am a champion sleeper.

That is, it seems as though I was a champion sleeper.

I have been waking around 4am every morning with worried thoughts going through my head. Yes, it is definitely explainable since I will be having surgery in about five weeks (I just had heart palpitations typing that). I'm not scared of having surgery, since Dr. H is going to fix my broken ladyparts, it's all the stuff leading up to the surgery.

You see, I haven't told anyone but my principal about my surgery. My teaching partner, my closest friends at school and most of the people closest to me don't even know.

I've been holding onto hope that I will miraculously fall pg this cycle, but we have to be realistic here. It's Peak +11 today and I'm expecting AF to arrive this week. TCIE and I have been planning my week-long stay to get wanded, which I am really excited about. It will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from Mr. JB, but I'm sure that TCIE is going to have lots of things to distract me with (and yes, the wanding and blood work, there's also that!).

I plan to call my union office tomorrow to get advice. My principal knows that I will be taking the time off in November, but the week off in October will come as a surprise (I already have a substitute lined up though). I also have my doctor's notes that justify my absences.

I know the biggest reason why I am so worried is that I have to come clean with so many people. I am going to tell my teaching partner and perhaps one of my closest colleagues (with the instruction that she tell my other friends). I really don't want to tell a whole bunch of people the same sad story.

I suffer from the sin of pride. I don't want their pity and I am not 100% comfortable with everyone knowing my business. I will have to explain why I am not going to be around for two months, or at least my friends will. I feel like I am finally admitting defeat by letting my friends in on my deep, dark secret of IF.

Yes, someone who has had thousands of visits to her blog, thinks that her IF is a secret.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should do my big "reveal?" I don't want to do something contrived and invite them all out and announce it. That would be so cheesy.

Prayer buddy, I'm in need of some big prayers this week. I need some courage, big time.

11 September 2011


It has been quite the day.

We decided to head to my FIL's house after mass so he didn't have to be alone today. He definitely is sad, but is so relieved that J's suffering is over. It seems like the funeral won't be until next week because her daughter-in-law had to go out of town on business. There is an outside chance that the funeral could be on Thursday (which would be preferable since my brother-in-law could help con-celebrate the mass, if the funeral does end up being next week he will be on a month-long silent retreat so he won't be able to get away).

The saddest I saw my FIL was when he was telling us that J is going to be cremated. Apparently this is going against her wishes, but her sons have decided that it is for the best. My FIL technically doesn't have any say about the funeral arrangements, and he recognizes that. He did take the opportunity to remind us that he does not under any circumstances want to be cremated (which we both already knew, apparently I am the only member of my family that wants to be!).

Please continue to pray for her and her family. It definitely wasn't a coincidence that today's homily was about forgiveness - something that I have been thinking about a lot this past week. The one thing that all of this has taught me, thus far, is that I need to appreciate my own mother more, despite how crazy she makes me.


I still can't believe that it is the tenth anniversary of 9/11. I have blogged about it before and I have tried to avoid the specials commemorating the terror attacks -- it was just too much with the stress of the past week. I spent this morning reading the paper and I was brought to tears more than once.

Perhaps it was because it was a melancholy day because of J's passing or perhaps it was because the weather was eerily similar to what it was ten years ago. Mr. JB and I were marveling at how beautiful it was today as we walked into church. He even went as far as saying that he hopes that every 9/11 anniversary has equally beautiful weather.

In the past ten years I have become so much more cynical, I know a large part of it is due to six years of IF, but before the attacks on the United States I lived in a happy, hopeful bubble. I believed that I lived in North America and therefore I would be safe at all times.

In the car on the way to my FIL's house Mr. JB was talking about the terrorists that had learned how to fly planes, but not land them. He went on to say that he thought it was strange that no one was suspicious about their strange behaviour. I told him that before 9/11 I had no idea that such evil could be on our side of the world. I believed that (almost) everyone had good intentions and that wars and terrorist attacks happened elsewhere. I thought that the world was ending, albeit for a brief period of time, as I saw the planes hit the World Trade Centre. If you asked me on 9/10/01 if I thought that the attacks were possible I would've told you in all certainty, no.

I think that 9/11 was my first real moment as an adult. I was already 26 years old and had lived abroad. I thought that I was worldly, but I wasn't always realistic about what the world was about.

I am also very far from the person was so quickly comforted by my dad.

"Nothing is going to happen to you. We live in Canada, we are safe. You can go to sleep now."

That night I went to sleep and woke up a grown up, and it's taken me ten years to realize it. 

Rest in peace

My father-in-law's girlfriend passed away early this morning.

May she rest in peace.

Please keep her two sons and her three grandchildren in your prayers.

St. Joseph, pray for us.

7 September 2011

Preparing for the worst

So things with my father-in-law's girlfriend is much worse than we thought. Not only is on morphine, but her family has decided to stop feeding her. In fact, she hasn't eaten in ten days.

It is obvious that she is not long for this world.

My FIL went to see her today and he was pretty shaken up when Mr. JB talked to him. One of daughters-in-law was sponging water into her mouth and she was able to recognize him.

Her sister passed away a couple of weeks ago and it seems like she will be joining her soon.

I am sad, but I also have a lot of mixed emotions.

You see, my FIL's girlfriend didn't like me.

At all.

When she was well she made my life miserable. I know that she said untrue, horrible things behind my back. She was jealous of the fact that I actually married into the family while she was just a "girlfriend" (I will never understand why my FIL stayed with her for so long, he didn't want to marry her, and she lived in her own home and they fought all the time).

I am so sad that my FIL is going through something so sad. I am sad that her kids have to go through this. Mr. JB reminds me that at one point, before my time, he had good memories. Unfortunately, in the past (almost) eight years, those distant memories are what he has had to hold onto.

I've been praying about this. I pray for J every night, despite my feelings.

Please continue your prayers for her. I hope that she finds comfort in her pain.

6 September 2011

First Day

I love school.

I really do. Before I discovered my vocation, I had already attended 6 years of university, so I have the student debt to prove it.

But, like pretty much every teacher on the planet, I wished for just a bit more vacation.

Don't get me wrong, I think my class is cute (with one or two exceptions) and I know that I will have a good year. The vibe today was nice and calm, and everyone seemed on task. I know that I have a few challenging kids, but I know who they are and I have an idea what strategies to use with them.

It also makes me so happy when the parents are so happy to have me teach their kids. I had a couple of parents that were visibly excited that I was their child's teacher (Lord, please let me have that moment with my own kids!).

There are 188 days left. Not that I'm counting.

We did get some bad news at the JB household. My father-in-law's girlfriend is not doing well. She has been in a home since January and we learned today that she's no longer eating and is on morphine. It doesn't look good. She has had a series of strokes that has really affected her brain function and she has lost her ability to speak. Mr. JB went to visit her with my parents in July and she wasn't doing well then, but this is much worse. I am sad for my FIL since this is his second partner that he has watched wither away (Mr. JB's mom died of cancer 21 years ago). Please pray for J and her comfort.

5 September 2011

Back to reality

Ah, Labour Day. I think that for most teachers, this is a day that we dread. Now don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to be working in my vocation and I love my school, but after two months off (well, five weeks for me, but I'm not splitting hairs), I really don't want the alarm to go off in the morning.

This is my tenth September. I had similar feelings last year and I wish that I didn't have to return to work because I had a little one to look after, but this year is a bit different.

As my surgery date looms closer I am still hopeful. I finally got through to the finance people at PPVI and Creighton and I have a better idea how much it is all going to cost us.  The $16 000 price tag almost had me hyperventilating, but I have $10 500 in the bank from the extra work that I've done and we have money in investments that we can tap into. A few nights ago I was having a hard time falling asleep because I was so worried about finances and I kept on repeating, "Jesus, I trust in you" until I fell asleep. The next day at yoga I had a very clear thought that everything was going to be okay, regardless of how far this is going to set us back financially.

One of my biggest worries, aside from telling my principal that I am taking two months off, is coming clean with my colleagues. A two month absence is going to be a little more difficult to explain. I will have to tell my teaching partner and my closest friends on staff, but a big part of me dreads telling them. I know that their prayers and support are going to be much needed, but I've gotten so good at pretending that there's nothing wrong in my life!

I knew that 2011 was going to be a big year for us, I just didn't know how. Our road to Dr. Hil.gers and PPVI has been long, but I am certain that this is the path that we've needed to take to build our family. I am so looking forward to my surgery since my endo pain has gotten progressively worse and I am so tired of pain. I want to be disease-free so badly!

So Happy New Year to all of you, despite my apprehension, there is a part of me that is excited about the first day of school.

St. John Baptist de la Salle, pray for us!