29 December 2010

I hope that bad things do not come in threes...

The drama continues...

Mr. JB promised to take me to the C.oach outlet today (which is close to his dad's house) because I didn't really like one of his presents (he got me a ring that's white gold when I clearly wear yellow, but he's a man that doesn't pay attention to that kind of stuff). I knew that there was going to be a wait outside of the store so we decided that he was going to go down the street to pick me up some St.arbucks so I could keep warm.

That's when the fun stopped.

I was waiting for Mr. JB to return (the wait wasn't so long) so I could decide between the four purses that I picked out for myself. I was getting concerned so I called him. And I was totally taken aback by his response.

"I gotta go honey. I just got into an accident."

Thankfully he's okay, but his new car is absolutely not. The damage is so bad that I can't even open the passenger door.

He was turning into traffic and he thought that the cars were stopping to let him turn into traffic. He didn't see the car coming in the other lane. Luckily they both saw one another and both slowed down as much as they could. If Mr. JB was driving just a little faster the tone of this post would be much more dire. He missed getting drilled on his driver-side door by about 15 seconds.

Mr. JB is okay, but understandably shaken up. He feels stupid and embarrassed that he assumed that the cars were letting him into traffic -- I know, what a crazy thing!

We're lucky that most of the damage is on our car and the other guy has car repair connections. The other guy was quite nice and didn't seem too concerned about the damage on his van. We're going to call our insurance agent in the morning to see what we need to do. We thought, at first, that we could settle the damages outside of our insurance, but there is no way that the repair is going to cost less than $1000.

I can't wait to see what happens to our premiums!

I know that it could be worse. I could be sitting in a hospital room with my injured husband (with no C.oach purse!). When I got into my only car accident about ten years ago I was in rehab for two years and my back has never been the same. I am so glad that Mr. JB doesn't have to deal with that.

I know that he's been distracted because of all the family drama -- which has subsided somewhat. His dad has calmed quite a bit, but we are now quite worried about his brother. We know that all of his worries, real and imagined (particularly about our marriage) stem from his loneliness. We took it for granted that this stay in Italy was just like all the other stints overseas. He was very lucky when he was living in Montreal because he had made very good friends, particularly with one family that "adopted" him. Now that he's back in Rome he's back to living a solitary life.

My theory is that he wasn't prepared for the solitude that was waiting for him.

Mr. JB is still quite upset at his brother and I'm not quite sure what's going to happen when the daily S.kype between my BIL and FIL happens in the morning. I know that Mr. JB is not ready to talk to his brother, and now the stress of having to deal with repairing his car, he's had enough. My husband has a very low tolerance for stress and I know that he's at his limit.

So 2010 had to go out with a bang.

Please say a prayer that all of this drama, car and family, subsides soon.

p.s. Mr. JB's cousin's baby (yes, the one of the scandalous wedding) was born yesterday. A little girl. Let's just say I'm a bit envious.

p.p.s. My eye doctor has cleared me for driving and I can't believe how much better my vision is getting. The doctor mentioned that at my next appointment two weeks from now that he'll check to see if I need a little prescription. I doubt it since my eyes are clearer than they were WITH glasses!

28 December 2010

It wouldn't be Christmas without any drama....

Mr. JB and I are celebrating our annual "Wear PJ's all day and do nothing" day. Since we got married we always designate one day from our Christmas vacation to just being lazy since we are always so busy over the holidays.

My eyes are doing much better, but the later the day gets, the blurrier my vision is. I haven't used any moisturizing drops today which is a big improvement. We have a humidifier going so our house air isn't dry, which is a help. I've noticed that at my fertile bf's house my eyes are much drier since they don't have a humidifier. It doesn't help that it's been so cold up here and the furnace is running all the time. Judging from my recovery since the 20th, I'll be in teaching condition come the 3rd.

So we've had a bit of drama here at the JellyBelly household.

On Christmas Day we headed over to my aunt and uncle's house. Mr. JB's brother is in Italy so he brought his dad with us. It was great to not have to divide our time between two locations and I also woke up in my own bed (last year was the first time I got to wake up in my own bed on Christmas morning!).

I'm the eldest girl granddaughter on my mom's side and I have a really close relationship with my cousins, particularly the other girls. My youngest cousin K, was playing with our cousin NR's i.Touch while we were hanging out after opening our gifts. K loves to play with my i.Phone (I don't believe that she's allowed to have her own cell phone) and she found NR's "notes." K has written me notes on my phone a few times just to play around (she's 13, what can you expect?). She opened up a note that NR wrote called "Sh*t I have to buy." She thought that it was funny until she read the list.

The list started with a bunch of normal stuff like deodorant and batteries. When K got to the last list item, she showed me the i.Touch.

NR had condoms as her last item.

I started to interrogate K when she showed the list to me. At first I was convinced that she had written it herself and was showing me to get a rise out of me. I asked K to look at me in the eye and I knew that she had nothing to do with it. NR had written it herself.


We whispered to the other female cousin, V, who is in her early 20's about the note. She was as shocked as we were. V and NR spend quite a bit of time together so I asked her to talk to her about what we saw. There is no way that I can talk to her without losing my mind. I'm also so much older that she sees me in the same light as her mom and our other aunts. I think that coming from her cooler cousin that the interrogation will be taken better.

V and I were texting back and forth today and she said that she already has a plan in place and that she will definitely talk to NR on New Year's Eve. NR is only 15 and I worry so much that she is sexually active. She's been having problems in school and she is a bit overweight. I gave her a tough time in the fall because she wasn't asking me for help with school. She almost failed grade nine geography and didn't ask either Mr. JB or myself to help her out. Her parents are also living way above their means and they aren't home because they're always working.

Could you please say a prayer for NR if you get the chance? I really hope that she isn't doing that she shouldn't be. I wasn't interested in sex at all at 15, but my parents watched me like a hawk and I had very strict rules to follow. My aunt and uncle are very easy-going parents and I'm so worried that they are going to be grandparents sooner, rather than later.

On to drama number two.

So Mr. JB's dad stayed with us for a few days, like I mentioned earlier. He went home yesterday morning because there was a birthday party that he was going to attend. We had a function at our parish that we help out at, so we stayed in town. This morning there was a message on our voice mail from Mr. JB's dad so Mr. JB called him back.

What happened afterward came totally out of left field.

Mr. JB's dad said that he was really upset because we weren't thankful enough for our Christmas presents. He gave a cheque to go towards a new washer and dryer (my parents contributed as well). Mr. JB opened up the card and I know that we both said thank you, but perhaps it got lost in the shuffle of opening up all of our gifts. We have noticed this Mr. JB's dad has had issues with hearing in the past year and we've both been urging him to get it checked.

Then my FIL starting accusing us of forgetting to send Mr. JB's brother a card for Christmas -- which we didn't do, but it was just an oversight on our part. We spoke to my BIL via S.kype on Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day and it wasn't even mentioned. He did send us little gifts, but when he's away we do not normally send gifts. I know that cards are a big deal for Mr. JB's family (it isn't in mine) so I know that his feelings were hurt.

My Mr. JB is very generous to his brother and I do have to say that I was shocked that it was even mentioned.

We both figured that my FIL was being nit-picky and that the stress of having his girlfriend so sick (she was put in a home almost a year ago) and a few close family friends passing away in the recent past, have taken a toll on him. He's lived alone for a long time, but he hasn't been without a companion in over 15 years. But we were wrong.

Mr. JB sent a long e-mail to his brother, who is currently vacationing in Venice, and the response we got was even more shocking.

My BIL wrote at length about how hurt he was about not receiving a Christmas card. Then he went on say that he was worried about the state of our marriage. He said that Mr. JB was doing most of the work and that I was making all of the decisions. He said that that he was worried about the future of our marriage and that we both had to do an examination of consciousness -- since we flit about like chickens without heads (we're busy people, both with full-time jobs and many volunteer commitments, sue us).


Mr. JB and are just shocked. Fine be hurt about the card, but the last thing he needs to worry about is our marriage. I do admit that Mr. JB does most of the cooking, but that's because he comes home earlier than I do. He is also very territorial about "his" kitchen. With my new grade change and the other commitments I have outside of the home, Mr. JB does do more of the day to day stuff around our house, and I do finances and that kind of stuff.

Our IF has brought us closer together and we talk about EVERYTHING. There isn't an issue that I can think of that we don't discuss -- which I'm sure is true for so many of you our there. Mr. JB and I are the type that don't have a censor. What comes to mind, comes out of our mouths. It's one of the biggest reasons why our marriage is so strong.

It really bothers me when I'm accused of "hen-pecking" my husband, something which he thoroughly disagrees with. Mr. JB doesn't like to make big decisions and I do. We do talk about the state of affairs on a constant basis, but Mr. JB does not like paying bills or thinking about our investments.

I hate seeing Mr. JB so upset. He doesn't deal well with strife, particularly with his brother. His stomach has been upset and he's been withdrawn all day. I'm used to dealing with the dramatics of my family, particularly my parents. I can brush off altercations with my parents, just because I have more practice -- ha ha.

I'm thinking that Mr. JB and I are the victims of two people that spend too much time alone with their thoughts. I hope and pray that this is something that is worked out soon because I can't stand the drama!

I hope that all of you are having a great fourth day of Christmas -- hopefully drama free!

24 December 2010

Merry Christmas Eve & Advent Prayer Buddy Reveal

It's been a tougher week than anticipated.

I had my laser eye surgery (selective PRK for those of you who want the particulars) at about 10am on Monday and the recovery has been more difficult and shower than I thought it was going to be. I was told by so many people, "You'll be driving by Christmas Eve!" Alas, it is Christmas Eve and I'm struggling to see the computer screen.

I was very happy that they gave me A.tivan at the laser eye clinic because I could barely keep my eyes open in the light. I slept most of Tuesday as well. I was feeling pretty good Wednesday and I totally overdid it. My eye doctor (who is doing all of my aftercare) said that I could watch a bit of TV, but I also snuck in some time with my i.Phone. The bandage contact lenses were removed yesterday and I was feeling the pain. Our cleaning lady was at set to come to our house so I ended up taking another A.tivan and sleeping in my best friend's daughter's bed.

When I woke up this morning I was feeling really good. The vision in my left eye is really good and my right eye is lagging behind (my prescription was slightly higher in my right, I have no idea if that's related or not). As the day goes on my eyes are feeling dryer and my vision is getting blurrier. We're ushering at midnight mass so it will definitely be interesting! I was joking to Mr. JB that we should've bought stock in the company that makes the lubricating drops!

I see my optomitrist on the 29th and he expects that my vision will be that much better. I have to wait for my corneal epithelium to heal in order for my vision to be 20/20. I should be all set to drive myself to school on the 3rd!

Advent Prayer Buddy Reveal:

I've been busting to let everyone know who I had to pray for! When I got the e-mail from Joy Behind the Cross (thanks to you TCIE and Sew for organizing again!) I yelped for joy! I was shopping at the time so I had to contain myself before people started to think that I was losing my mind.

I'm sure that it was coincidence that my prayer buddy was someone that prayed for me in the summer (it was coincidence, right girls????). My prayer buddy this Advent was the lovely Leila at the Little Catholic Bubble!!!!

Leila, my friend, you were the recipient of many, many prayers this past week. I offered up my eye pain (and there was quite a bit this week!) for her intentions and you also got some extra special Hail Marys when I was feeling anxious before my procedure. I prayed the Novena to Overcome Fear (that she sent me in the summer!), the Our Lady of Guadalupe and St. Andrew novenas for her intentions as well as my daily rosaries.

Leila e-mailed me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she prayed for me while holding a relic of St. Gerard. It took all of my being to keep from telling her that I was praying for her too!

So there you are my Advent Prayer Buddy. Continue to fight the good fight on your blog -- I love that you make us think with your posts! I admire the love and commitment you have to our faith and your gorgeous family. It was an honour to pray for our "den mother" and I will continue to do so!

Merry Christmas, my wonderful friend.

p.s. I apologize for any mistakes. I'm typing with one good eye!

19 December 2010

Goodbye glasses....

So it's the night before my laser eye procedure and I am way to sick to even be nervous. Mr. JB and I have been going full tilt all week and we hosted a dinner party and attended a family Kris Kringle today (where we had to make the bulk of the meal, not the turkey, but most of the fixings. We're hosting it next year so at least I won't have to cart my kitchen around the trunk of the car! Some of my cousins are just plain lazy!).

When we got home I started to feel really chilled and when I checked my temperature it was above normal. I checked before taking a shower and it was 38.6C. I took some A.dvil so hopefully it will help break it, but I really hope that my condition is not going to make them postpone the surgery.

I figured that I would catch what was ailing Mr. JB and most of my students. I had ten kids show up on Friday and eight missed the Christmas concert -- something unheard of for grade twos! The school custodian kept on peaking into my room to count my kids. He said to me, "What are you doing to your kids?"

It was so sweet though, all of the kids, with the exception of one, came by to drop off a present for me. Their moms said that they wanted to see me before the Christmas break. I'm so loved!

So Mr. JB takes me to the laser eye clinic for 9:15am. My mom is meeting us there and they will stay with me for the procedure. There's even a window where they can watch. My mom is going to, but Mr. JB said that he has no desire to be an observer. We'll see. I was told that it was going to take about three hours to complete all of the prep, although the actual surgery will take 45 seconds for my left eye and 50 for the other.

I was given a bunch of paperwork that I was told to read beforehand (which I did), but I have to sign at the clinic. I know that the big part is the paying part -- $4290 on our A.mex! Thank God we earn cash back on it! I printed out my claim form so Mr. JB is going to be able to mail it straightaway. Our insurance company is going to put a HUGE red flag on my file. Aside from all of the drugs they pay and this procedure, I have another $2000 claim that is getting mailed separately (for my LDN, RMT and chiropractor). I am totally taking advantage of their coverage! I hope that the company is speedy with our reimbursement so I don't have to pay interest, but I'm not holding my breath!

So please say a prayer for me tomorrow morning. I asked our parish priest and he said that St. Lucy is the patron saint of eyes (he did an excellent homily on St. Joseph today, he's the patron saint of so many things, but that's a post for another time!). I am sure that the procedure will go well. I definitely think that the 72 hours of no computer, TV or reading is going to be a killer.

Btw, it will be Peak +14 tomorrow, and no I will not POAS since that brings on AF! They will be giving me A.tivan to calm my nerves for the surgery and I did some research and long term use causes birth defects. I don't think that one dose is going to be harmful IF BY SOME HUGE FLUKE I am pg. My only symptoms are tiredness and sore boobs (Mr. JB said last week that they looked different, he couldn't elaborate, but he did comment and I'm also sick as a dog so that could be the reason why I'm pooped).  But wouldn't it be so funny if I was. Dr. Nora did say that the bleeding that I had post-Peak could've been due to implantation.

Yeah right. ;)

p.s. Mr. JB will be updating my blog and I will be on my trusty phone so I can update in the comment area.

14 December 2010

Christmas Dervish

I fee like I haven't stopped!

Since booking my laser eye surgery I have been in serious panic mode. I've done most of my baking, wrapped most of the gifts (I ran out of wrapping paper so the rest will have to go in bags), my cards are sent and most of my treats are ready to go. I know that in the end I will be so glad to have a deadline that is well before Christmas and since I will be forced to relax, I will be able to appreciate that everything Christmas-related will be done on the 19th.

I just have to get there first.

I saw Dr. Nora yesterday and she was so happy to hear how great I'm feeling. She reduced the dosage of the herbs that I take in the afternoon and she added red clover to help boost my low estrogen. I'm going to take it for 30 days and see how it affects my levels. It can't hurt. She didn't have any new ideas about why I'm bleeding post-Peak, but one theory was implantation bleeding.

Yeah right.

I start my antibiotic drops and eyelid wipes tomorrow. I can't believe that this time next week I won't have glasses anymore! It definitely is a good distraction to IF!

I need to go to bed. I cooked up another batch of treats and I need to get them packed up so I can get some shut eye!

9 December 2010

Apparently we're making this a monthly thing...

I woke up in the middle of the night to blood.


The funny this is that I was wearing the same pyjamas! (Thank God for O.xy Clean!)

It happened last month. The only difference was that it was Peak +4 last month and this month it's Peak +3. The only strange symptom that I had was sore boobs beforehand, and now they are not as sore.

I have no idea what is going on.

Last month the bleeding was light and lasted three days. I hope that it doesn't last that long this month. Considering my only symptom I suspect that it has to do with a drop in my hormones (something that Dr. Nora suggested). Btw, I'm going to see her on Monday, perhaps she will have other ideas. I don't see my Napro doctor until early January and I refuse to go to her walk in hours (I did that once and Mr. JB and I were there so long that we had enough time to go for dinner!).

So infertile brain trust, do any of you have any idea what the heck is going on? I'm not pleased that I'm bleeding mid-cycle, even if I'm cramp-free!!!

6 December 2010

There is life after adrenal fatigue!

I am a machine!

I am done writing Christmas cards, I have picked the treats that I am going to make (and have a list for Mr. JB to purchase at the grocery store tomorrow) and I have chosen what I'm going to buy for Mr. JB after much internet searching.

And I haven't fallen on the ground in exhaustion.

I remember last Advent when I could barely muster the energy to put one tree up, let alone the three that I usually do! This year I have our pre-lit tree in our bedroom (yes, I have a Christmas tree in the master bedroom, there's also a little one in each bathroom!) as well as the real one in the living room. I haven't decorated our main tree, but that's on deck for tomorrow after yoga and before G.lee.

I am feeling a little bit of panic since I will be having my laser eye surgery on December 20th. I won't be able to drive until Christmas Eve, and I definitely don't want to be rushing around then! I didn't want to have my surgery over the holidays, but since I'm having P.RK and not LA.SIK, I have to be seen by a doctor for three consecutive days to see how the healing is coming along. Mr. JB is going to have to drive me around to these appointments since the recovery time is just slightly longer than L.ASIK. Although it wasn't part of my original plan, I'm glad that I will be glasses-free at Christmas! What a great present for myself!

I definitely think that the H.ydrocort and the vitamin/liquid herb regimen that I'm on is the reason why I feel so good. Mr. JB was fighting the worst illness ever (he had viral bronchitis and he even stayed home for a week!), I didn't get it AND I didn't get the flu shot (not that I could since I'm allergic to eggs). I don't know what my hormones are doing, but I feel like a new person. It is totally worth all of the money that I'm paying out of pocket!

Btw, I've totally changed my IF prayer. I have given up asking for "God's will," I'm plain asking for a baby. Really, it's the intention that I have in my heart anyway, why beat around the bush? I figure after five years I can just cut to the chase and ask. It can't hurt, right?

5 December 2010

Christmas Decorations and Other Assorted Ramblings

Our house is starting to look like we're ready for Christmas. We got our beautiful tree (a Fraser fir, not cheap, but worth every penny!) and I've put out most of my snowman decorations out (I've been collecting since we got married and I feel so happy when I see them all over my little house). It was nice to have our Advent wreath out first, but I do have to admit that I LOVE the Christmas season something fierce!

I spent every weekend in November in yoga workshops and I'm so glad that they're finally over. I learned so much and I deepened my practice, but I'm so glad that I have more time at home, particularly since I've been busy praying my butt off for my prayer buddy! I've never said three novenas at once before, but it has really helped me focus my prayers. I've been saying my rosary right before bed (which probably isn't the best idea) and I've caught myself falling asleep mid-rosary. It's the intention that counts, right???

We attended our first Christmas party of the season last night. It was with Mr. JB's nosy family (yes, the aunt that asked why I missed the scandalous baby shower was in attendance). It was tough to smile and be happy around all of the children and the pg belly, but with a couple glasses of wine I was okay. I was pretty tired since we had "Breakfast with Santa" at my school in the morning (the kids can eat breakfast and have their photos taken with Santa, it's a big fundraiser and we made 1000 pancakes and 750 sausages!). I wish that I didn't feel so jealous whenever I see Mr. JB's cousin's wife's huge belly, but I can't help it.

Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave Mr. JB's aunt said, "JellyBelly, you need to get my son to go to mass more often!" To which I responded, "It's his wife's job to get him into heaven, I have my own husband to worry about!" I don't know if I should be flattered that she thought that I could convince a grown man and woman to go to mass every Sunday, but I don't need that responsibility. On a similar note, my fertile best friend has been a pretty regular mass attendee with her family. Her daughter is going to be making her First Communion on the spring and she's making a real effort to get to church. Even her husband, who is Anglican, is going some of the time. Mr. JB is convinced that he can get him to convert and it would be so great if he did. I joke that my bf's mom will erect a statue in his honour if my bf's husband becomes one of us!

On a positive note: I have been feeling GREAT! The new regimen from my Napro naturopath is miraculous! It wasn't cheap, but it is worth every penny to have energy and a clear head. Not only am I taking H.ydrocort, but I'm also taking more vitamin C, magnesium citrate, zinc picolinate, vitamin E, molybdenum, and B-complex. I'm also taking these liquid herbs: maca, schizondra berry, triblulus, rhodiola,  and dong quai. My focus is better and my energy level is what it used to be pre-surgery. Emotionally I'm feeling so much more balanced. I didn't have the emotional crash that I usually suffer when AF arrived and I feel more patient, particularly with my class.

I really hope that all of these efforts are going to help with my hormone levels! The liquid herbs aside from being very costly, are not exactly tasty!

I apologize for the disjointed ideas in this post. I feel like I don't have a lot to say, but obviously there was something going on in my brain!

30 November 2010

On the Outside, Looking In

I didn't want to break my blog silence to whine.

But I'm going to.

I have been struggling with my feelings of joy, coupled with green-eyed jealousy in the past couple of days. There has been a wealth of good news as of late. News of BFP's and births have rocked the balance of my infertile world.

I even had a passing thought last week that I was dealing well with my barren state.

Alas, I was wrong.

Advent is a tough time. While I was listening to the homily on Sunday I was reminded about the wait.

The excruciating long wait.


I wish that I didn't feel so envious. I wish that I didn't feel so left behind (yes, it is hard to be atomically lapped -- those of you that understand this terminology, I welcome the sympathy). Patience is something that I am so done with!

So Advent Prayer Buddy, you've got your work cut out for you. I'm trying really hard not to be the Debbie Downer of the IF world, but despite the smile on my face, my heart is aching on the inside.

I'm so tired of waiting.

When will it be my turn?

p.s. The lovely lady that is on the receiving end of my prayers is going to get a ton! At least my misery is being fruitful in one way!

p. p. s. It is CD8 on my Fe.mara-free cycle. My cramps were pretty much non-existent. I love being (semi) drug-free! 

21 November 2010

The Need for Justification

I'm trying not to seethe, but it's really hard.

I was upstairs while Mr. JB was talking to his dad on the phone and I overheard some interesting parts of the conversation. You see, I missed the baby shower for the wife of the cousin (remember, the scandalous wedding?) this afternoon and one of the aunts called my father-in-law to "check on me" which is really code for "she wanted to get dirt on why I wasn't there."

I did have an honest excuse. I had volunteered to sell and pack up the religious articles sale that my parish was having. I also had plans to decorate t-shirts with my best friend's daughter (these plans were canceled, but I didn't know until today at mass) and then I had a yoga workshop in the afternoon. I know that plans or not, I would not have attended. The majority of the family members know that I am a barren woman and why I miss many baby-oriented occasions.

I wish that I wasn't so angry. Mr. JB did explain to his dad that we did have plans. I also called to send my regrets and Mr. JB's uncle understood completely. It is a busy time of year and it isn't my freaking fault that they had to have a wedding shower, a wedding and a baby shower in such quick order!

I hate it that I was the object of discussion, and of course, gossip.

Mr. JB did tell his other cousin's wife that I wouldn't be going to the shower and she was in attendance. She tries her best to steer clear of the gossip, but it was her mother-in-law that tried to get the dirt on my absence.

I just want to be left alone. I don't want their pity and I definitely don't want to be fodder for their boring lives. I am not going to drop all of my plans so I can pretend that nothing is wrong and that I am really happy for the mother-to-be. I think that my not being there and LYING to everyone was the better way to go.

What do all of you think?


Wicked was AMAZING!!!! Mr. JB didn't like the story (and I won't get into it here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone!), but I totally disagree with him. The music, performances, costumes, set, everything about the musical was fantastic! The company continues their tour at the end of the month and if it comes to your city you need to see it!!!

20 November 2010

A Pain in the Neck


I woke up yesterday morning unable to move my head. I went to bed with a tiny kink on the left side and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was in excruciating pain.

I taught all day and not one student noticed, even when I asked one of them to tie my shoe!

I was lucky to be able to see my chiropractor after school and she attached me to the IFC machine before she adjusted me which helped. I'm going back to see her on Monday so hopefully I have more mobility by then.

I saw Dr Nora again last Monday. She has me on a ton of new vitamins and supplements to help with my asthma and adrenal fatigue. We're heading into the city to see Wicked this after noon and I have to visit a couple of stores to get the other liquid herbs she wants me to take. Dr Nora is convinced that with this new regimen that I will be able to eat the food that I've been allergic to most of my life.

Now that would be awesome.

I'll post the details of this new phase of treatment later (it's too challenging to type the technical stuff on my iPhone!).

I don't know how this will affect my fertility, but I know that it isn't going to hurt it. I definitely have more energy and I feel good (despite the sore neck!!).

I just hope that I don't have to move my head too much while we're
watching the show.

14 November 2010

Surgery That I'm Actually Excited About

And of course, it has nothing to do with fertility.

My insurance is finally covering laser eye surgery! I've worn glasses since the eighth grade and I cannot wait to be able to live without glasses! So when we visited my optometrist a couple of weeks ago I told him that I was ready. He has been trying to convince me to have the surgery done, but I couldn't justify spending so much money out of pocket for an unnecessary procedure.

Of course he is 100% in favour of the operation. He has referred me to a clinic that he also works for (he does their aftercare) and he also said that if the doctors there decide that I am not a good candidate (which he doubts, my prescription has been the stable for years) they will not recommend surgery. To top it off he also gave me a gift card for $400 off of the procedure!

My consultation is on December 2nd and I've asked my mom to go with me (she offered to pay for laser eye surgery when I got into teachers' college, but I told her that I needed money for rent and books more!). She loves to be in the caretaker role and Dr. Nora recommended that I get "taken care of."  I also asked her to take the time off to take care of me.

Apparently I have to sleep for about 24 hours after the procedure then I have to wear huge, dark glasses so that the natural light doesn't touch my new eyes.

I am so excited. I figure that my surgeon is going to suggest another surgery for my ladyparts so I will most likely have two operations in 2011! Woohoo! [yes, I am being sarcastic!]


Thank you so much for your advice on my last post. The bleeding was very light for two days and I've seen none since Friday. I had no pain and I had no other symptoms. I'm going to see my Napro naturopath so hopefully she will give me some more insight. I'm going to have my Peak +7 blood work done (really, P+8, but the labs were closed today being Sunday). I know that Dr. Nora won't have the results, but hopefully it will tell Dr. T something.

Lastly, I am so glad that I will be F.emara-free for a couple of cycles. I've put on a bit of weight and I am not happy about it. I'm not a very big person (as those of you that have met me in person can attest to), and I've noticed that my pants are not fitting so comfortably. I know that weight gain is a side effect of Fe.mara, and that going off of it will dissipate the poundage.

Argh, gotta love IF!

11 November 2010

Strange bleeding

I just woke up to the strangest thing, and I apologize for the TMI nature of this post.

It is Peak +3 and this morning when I visited the bathroom for my morning ablutions I saw that my underpants were covered in blood. Not enough to leak onto my pj's, but enough to be disturbing. When I wiped I saw only a tinge on the paper and I feel no pain. The only thing I noticed in bed was that I felt a bit of dampness, but I thought it was because I had to go to the bathroom.

I have had no strange bleeding in over a year so I am more than a bit shocked.

The only thing different that I did yesterday was get a massage and my RMT worked mainly on my back and jaw. I'm starting my post-Peak dose of Es.trace and HCG today.

Advice anyone?????

8 November 2010

Selective Mute

I talk a lot.

All the time.

I was the loudest baby in the nursery (despite, my preemie status) and I talk ALL day at my job.

It is so strange to me that I feel like I have nothing to say here on my blog, although according to my archives, I've been quite prolific in 2010.

It's CD19 and I think that peak was yesterday. I've been a lackadaisical charter (sorry all of the practitioners out there!), but my body has followed the same pattern since my second surgery, so I don't pay as close attention as I used to. I've felt the pangs of guilt when I have a quick pee and I don't wipe before (sorry, TMI, but this is an IF blog and really, we are all very comfortable with talk about CM and the like).

I like to think of my nonchalance as a way to rebel and to take back control.

Yeah right.

I was thinking tonight while in the shower about something that Dr. Nora said to me at my appointment last week. While looking at my chart she noticed that Mr. JB and I only used our days of fertility and then afterwards there were no "marital relations." She basically ordered me to have sex with my husband.

She asked if I enjoyed the marital act and of course I responded yes, but it has become such a chore. Fertility-based sex is not fun and after "giving it our best shot" for the past five years I just want a freaking break after ovulation!

I miss the naivete that our early marriage had. I wish that I could not think about procreating every time I was with my husband, but I can't.

Oh Lord, do I need therapy or what????

I am so thankful that talking to Dr. Nora is like talking to a therapist! I honestly can't fit another health care practitioner in my schedule!

So friends, how has IF affected your lives in the bedroom? Do any of you have any tactics to help turn off the fertility brain?

All I know now is that I need to go to bed. The end of Daylight Savings Time has been a little hard on me and I'm pooped!

p.s. My new dose of H.yrdocort is helping, although I cheated on Saturday and tried 10mg in the morning and then 5mg at lunch and I was feeling so good. I was a bit late with my lunch time dose, so I took it at about 2pm and I was able to get through the rest of my day and a long wait at my GP's office with no problem. I don't think that 10mg is my sweet spot, but Dr. T is ever-cautious, so it'll have to wait until the new year until I can get more H.yrocort in me!

3 November 2010

Comfortably Numb

No, I'm not a Pink Floyd fan at all. Their music actually creeps me out a bit. Before I give you all the lowdown about my two appointments today (yes, I know my readers are waiting with baited breath! [insert sarcastic tone here]) I saw Geddy Lee from Rush walking on the street! Mr. JB and I were so lost trying to find the Napro-trained naturopath I decided to find the office on foot. As I was madly trying to find the office I saw Mr. Lee and I believe that he was fiddling with his i.Pod. I wasn't about to ask for an autograph since I was in a mad rush (ha ha, rush!) since I was so late. That's the last time I take the stupid GPS's word for it!

I was about twenty minutes late for my appointment with Dr. Nora, but she was so great. It was wonderful to sit down with someone that spoke Napro. She went through my infertility history and she also asked some very interesting questions. It felt almost like a therapy session more than meeting with a naturopath! The most important thing that I gleaned from my appointment is that she thinks that my asthma and allergies have really affected my adrenals. I can't remember all of the details since she gave me a lot of information in an hour and a half. Basically she wants to strengthen my adrenals and she hopes that my chronically low progesterone and estrogen will be helped by that.

Another thing she wants me to do is have a smoothie every morning with flax and hemp seeds (with berries, plain yogurt and apple juice). She wants to boost my intake of Omega 3's which will help with my hormones as well. I'm going back to see her on the 15th and she said that she's got some research to do. She seemed very excited and she reassured me that I'm not old and that getting pg is a possibility.

Oh how I wish that I could believe that!

Mr. JB and I killed some time between appointments by going to my favourite shopping mall (I used to work there when I was in university). I finally found a winter jacket that is not only warm, but stylish. It's winter for six months up here, I need to look good while I'm trying to stay warm! If you're friends with me on FB, you can take a peek at it. :)

My appointment with my Napro doc, didn't go as well. It seems like my case has stumped her. My hormones are okay -- although Dr. Nora said that they're still low. My estrogen in September was 564 and my progesterone was 240. In October my estrogen was 420 and my progesterone was 98.4. She also re-tested my DHEAs and they were in range (5.9). The only thing that she was concerned about was my fasting insulin level. It's at 43 and she wants it at 30. I'm going to do another fasting insulin test that takes two hours, but that will have to wait until Christmas break. She said that if I'm insulin resistant that she will have to put me on M.etformin -- does anyone out there know anything about insulin resistance? I'm stumped.

Dr. T also wants me to take a break from F.emara and I am so relieved. I've been battling with headaches for the past month or so and I definitely thing it's hormone-related (well, there's the stress factor at school, but the headaches are worse when I take Fe.mara). She still wants to continue with the HCG and E.strace until I see her in January. She has also upped my dose of H.ydocort to 5mgs twice a day (5mg in the morning and 5mg at lunch). I hope that will do the trick, but something tells me that I will still need more than that, but we'll see if Dr. Nora can bump up my adrenals naturally with B and C vitamins.

Dr. T also suggested that we go back to the surgeon that did my laparotomy. I had a feeling that since we were coming to the one year anniversary of my period returning post-L.upron that another surgery was on the horizon. Dr. T isn't 100% sure, but she suspects that since my case of endometriosis was so severe that perhaps not everything was removed or that I may have adhesions. I know that after my pelvic abscess that the risk of adhesions was that much greater. We will have to see what Dr. I, the surgeon says. Mr. JB was pretty surprised that I took the news of possibly another surgery so lightly. I guess I hadn't mentioned to him that I have thought that another surgery was possible.

Is it strange that I'm not even worried about being cut open again?

Dr. T did put going to Omaha out as an option, but we told her that we wanted to save our money for adoption. I have to have faith in our health care system and I know that there is no way that we could go to the US AND adopt a baby. She understood 100% and said that it was great that we were considering adoption. She's an amazing doctor, I just wish that she had some other ideas of what we could do for my treatment.

Hormone Queen told me this morning about a Napro RE that she has seen, but Dr. T said that she isn't currently taking any new patients. She said that she will refer me to her, but it won't be until early 2011, at the earliest. I'm not holding my breath.

I was hoping to do some adoption research today, but we left our house at 10am to get to the naturopath and we didn't get home until after 6pm because I wanted to do some retail therapy after our fertility-focused day. I was very happy to get new winter boots that are pretty darn cute and I think they will be warm too!

Honest to Pete, being infertile is like a full time job!

I remember when I used to feel so hopeful after seeing Dr. T. I wish that I felt something other than numbness, but self-preservation comes in all forms. I sometimes wish that after my second surgery that the doctor said, "Sorry JellyBelly, but you can't have kids." But it's the hope that seeking out new treatments from new people and that perhaps my doctor will have found some amazing discovery that has me hoping that perhaps we've found the missing link. I used to love being an eternal optimist, but right now that hope is driving me a bit crazy.

Who would've ever thought that I would begrudge being hopeful? [sigh]

p.s. I got an invitation to the baby shower for the bride from the scandalous wedding.  I am certainly not going and thankfully I have a real excuse! I'm helping at the religious articles sale at our church and I have a yoga workshop that same day. So when I call with regrets I have two excuses and I won't even have to stretch the truth!

2 November 2010

Wishing I Was More Excited

I'm going to see my Napro doc tomorrow.

In the past seeing her would fill me with a sense of excitement or at least anticipation.

I feel neither.

The only thing I want out of my appointment is a higher dosage of H.ydrocort. The 5mgs worked for a month and now I'm back to feeling tired.

I don't hope for better hormones, I don't know what else we can do with my treatment. I was going to ask my doctor to treat me like I'm hypothyroid, but I don't know if she'll do that since my thyroid is within range.

Before my Napro appointment I'm going to see a new naturopath who is also a Creighton Model practitioner. My current practitioner recommended her to me and I figured that it couldn't hurt. Perhaps she will have some insight.

I hope to do some more adoption research in between appointments and I want to send some emails to some other agencies since I only heard back from the one.

I feel so underwhelmed right now.


25 October 2010

New Focus

I thought that this new phase in our infertility struggle needed a blog re-design. I'm not done tweaking it yet and I'm not 100% happy with the new layout, but like my IF struggle as of late, it seems to be evolving.

I'd like to believe that I'm entering into a phase where more happiness awaits. I'm sure that there will be even more waiting, and more frustration, but hopefully there will be a baby in the end.

If I only knew that making a baby the old-fashioned way wasn't going to be straightforward five years ago. I know that there is no way that I could've prepared my heart for all of the emotions that I have felt since that first time that AF arrived after two weeks of hoping.

How naive I was.

I got a response from one of the adoption agencies that I e-mailed last night. In fact, the response came around 9am this morning. I haven't heard from one of the others and my message bounced back from the third. Here's what the message said:

Dear Mr and Mrs. JellyBelly,

Thank you for your interest in our agency.

The adoption process takes approximately 2 years to be matched with a 
child once your approved paperwork arrives in the P.hilippines.  
Currently there is moratorium in effect in the P.hilippines which means 
they are not accepting any new applicants for children under 24 months 
of age.  The youngest applicant cannot be more than 45 years older 
than the child.  The fees to facilitate the adoption are approximately 
$20,000.00 and is paid at different times throughout the process.  If 
you require further information please call the office at 
416-2*3-****  I could also arrange a consultation appointment for you 
which is about an hour in length.  During this appointment we would go 
over in detail time lines, fees, process and give you any paperwork 
specific to the P.hilippines.  The fee for the consultation is $210.00.

Have a nice day,
Adoption lady

So the cost is a bit less that I thought it would be. Mr. JB was a bit shocked, but he has no concept about how much adoption costs. I actually thought that it would be more! It looks like we're going to have to make an appointment for a consultation. I'm trying not to be resentful about the $210 or even the $20 0000. As so many of you have told me, it will all be worth it.

I also e-mailed a close friend of mine who has recently adopted a baby domestically. I knew that him and his partner were home study approved and that they were waiting and I was absolutely overjoyed to learn last week that their baby had come into their lives. He didn't know about our IF struggle and I gave him the short history of our struggle and as well as asked him about their experience with domestic adoption. I haven't taken domestic adoption off of the table and I am very interested in the agency that they used. We'll have to see what kind of information that we get from them. It would be nice to work with an agency that friends of ours have had experience with.

For the first time in almost five years I feel truly hopeful. Perhaps taking the focus away from my broken body and wonky hormones is just what my tired, disappointed soul needs. Like my dear, This Cross I Embrace said to me last night, "Your baby's in utero right now going "It's about time, mommy!"

That image alone made my heart smile.

I'm coming to get you baby. I don't know how long it's going to take, but mommy is coming to get you.

24 October 2010

One Small Step...

I just sent three e-mails to three international adoption agencies in my province.

I decided out of the blue that I was done sitting on the fence.

I didn't even tell Mr. JB that I was going to do it.

I want a baby.

And soon.

Dear Lord, what have I started here?????

21 October 2010

Dear AF

Dear AF,

First off, you suck and I really don't care if you're offended.

The one thing I ask of you is not to wait until the very end of the day to show up. Although I had an inkling that you were on your way (I know the signs after 5 years of IF), I did get my hopes up just a tad.

I am very glad that your arrival doesn't have me doubled over in pain, but that doesn't mean that I want you to show up.

Could you please take a nine month break soon?



Thank you so much for your wonderful supportive comments on my last post. I knew that my formerly IF friends would understand. You girls are awesome.

18 October 2010

An Open Letter To My Formerly IF Friends

Dear Formerly IF Friends (I didn't know what else to call all of you that are pg or have recently become mothers, I know that the scars of IF will linger forever, please don't take offense),

I have a confession to make.

I've had a really hard time reading and commenting on your blogs. It has been especially tough as of late since I am approaching the one year anniversary of my period returning post-surgery/post-Lu.pron -- the date I've had in mind to stop TTC (yes, another deadline, I know, but the madness has to stop sometime).

Don't get me wrong, I rejoice in your pregnancies and the births of your babies. I am overjoyed when you take your adoptive babies home.

But here I am, over five years TTC, and my womb is still empty. My husband has just turned 40 and he is still not a dad. My "room that was to be a nursery" is still full of crap.

I am so tired of the meds, the shots, the charting, the 2WW. As much as I want off of this roller coaster, I know that as December approaches that I will panic again and I will wonder if switching our focus to adoption will be the right choice.

I know that I've come a long way. I no longer plunge into the depths of despair when AF comes, but I think that part of it is because I have so little hope of actually conceiving. I know that it is a coping mechanism and that I've had to convince myself that everything is fine. If I didn't do this, I would've been committed to a padded room a LONG time ago.

So many of you are soon approaching your due dates. I know that your blogs are going to be filled with cute pictures of your newborns. I know that I will feel joy, but I will also feel the utter sadness that my arms are still empty. I will comment that I am happy for you (which I will be, don't worry), but I don't know how often I will be able to read about your baby. Jealousy is so difficult. I struggle with it every day.

I wish that I could look at a baby and not think that I should have a baby of my own. I wish that I didn't ache with every fibre of my being.

I wish that I didn't want to be a mom so badly.

I don't want any of you to feel guilty or sorry for me (pity is not something I deal with very well, one of the many reasons why I don't tell very many people about our IF in my real life).

I would like to hope that one day I will look back at my blog archives at this sad time while I hold a fussy baby while I try to catch up with my friends, but I don't know if this one dream of mine is ever going to be realized.

I continue to pray for all of you, particularly for your children. They are and will be so lucky to have you as mothers. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful network of girlfriends that have supported me through so many peaks and valleys, although it seems like the valleys have been more plentiful.



Kitty Cat Update: Mr. JB called my crazy mother after school today and everything seems to be better with my cat. She admitted to him that she hadn't cleaned the litter box in quite a while (they only have one box for two cats, totally not enough!) which totally explains why my cat was having "accidents." She failed to mention this to me.

When my cat lived with me I used to have to clean her litter out twice a day. I can only imagine how put out my cat was to have to use a dirty litter box!

Needless to say, I am that much more angry that she wanted to euthanize my cat because she didn't clean out the litter box! ARGH!

Saintly Update: Yesterday my brother-in-law got to be a Eucharistic Minister for the canonization of St Andre of Montreal! He was only about 50 metres from the Pope! I am so excited that we have the first Canadian born saint! If you want to visit a beautiful place you've got to see St. Joseph's Oratory in Montreal. It is quite the sight to see! Woohoo!

St. Andre pray for us!

16 October 2010

My Crazy Mother Strikes Again

One would think that I would be used to my mother's shenanigans by now.

Unfortunately, she is the only person on this planet that can have my blood boil and make me cry at the same time, all while unnecessarily blaming myself for having done everything wrong.

Earlier last week I asked my mom to be on the lookout for a new winter coat for me. My mom loves to shop and particularly loves to have something specific to look for. I know that she often goes to the mall with her girlfriends or sisters so I knew that it would be something that she would enjoy doing.

She called this morning while I was on my way from yoga and she told Mr JB that she may have found a coat for me. I was pretty happy to hear that so I called her as soon as I walked in the door. She was very pleasant and said that she would even put the coat on layaway for me if she found one in my size (she knows my taste in clothes very well). Then she gave me some news that completely shocked me.

Let me give you some background, before I continue: Mr. JB is deathly allergic to cats and when I moved into our house a few months before our wedding my cat went to live with my parents. It was the saddest day of my life and Mr. JB drove her to their house alone because I couldn't bear to do it. She has lived with them since April 2005 and has done so very happily. My dad has a cat and they have a large house and a big backyard, and there is usually someone home.

My mom has been complaining about her blood pressure for the past week and she's even taken time off of work (really, she takes a lot of time off in general, I really don't know why she even bothers pretending to work full time!) because of it.

Then she started telling me about how she wants to put my cat down because she's been missing the litter box. Apparently for the past week (which I find interesting since she has not mentioned my cat to myself of Mr. JB and we have talked to her pretty much every other day) my cat has been behaving strangely. She's been scratching the furniture, peeing everywhere and just not acting like herself.

My cat is a very laid back animal. She's almost 13 years old and she's always had a very gentle personality. The only times she behaves out of the ordinary is when she's sick. The last time she was really ill was when we moved to Ottawa for Teachers' College. I took her to the vet and she got some medication and then she was fine. I explained this very calmly to my mother and I asked her if she had thought about taking her to the vet and she said no.

I tried so hard not to yell or lose my mind and I explained to her that I would pay for the vet bills and medication, but instead of wanting to euthanize my pet, she needed to take her to the vet ASAP. She did mention that a new P.et S.mart had opened up by their house and that she knew that the vet was open on Saturdays and that she would check it out sometime today. I offered to take the cat to my old vet, but it would involve over an hour in the car which would drive my cat crazy.

I know that she's older and she is also very overweight (my parents are the most vigilant with keeping up with shots and that sort of stuff). Although my cat is an indoor cat, theirs goes out into the neighbourhood so who knows what the other cat has brought into the house.

Needless to say, as soon as I got off of the phone I broke down. Mr JB came up to find me crying on our bed. It also doesn't help that his dad is here and I have had to hold it together (I also got quite angry at him last night because of his use of "Chinaman," I've told him over and over again that the term is offensive, particularly because I am ASIAN!). He tried to backtrack and say that in his day the words weren't bad and I repeated that I have explained to him before that it is offensive to me so he should stop. I have never taken such a firm tone with him before, but I just couldn't take it, particularly because I asked him not to use the term over Thanksgiving last week.

Please pray for my beloved Fussy Cat. I know that there are a lot of animal lovers out there among my readers and that you would all understand my sadness and frustration.

12 October 2010

Having One of Those IF Days

I've been sitting in my lab's waiting room for over 45 minutes and I'm getting pretty anxious. My school day doesn't start until 8:45am, and it looks like that I will be seen soon, but I really hate not having time to get my bearings before the kiddies arrive.

There's nothing like having bloodwork done before work! It's the horrible reminder that I'm not like everyone else. I hate being reminded that I'm barren.

I have no idea if I should be hopeful this cycle. Mr JB and I gave it the old college try, but we've been doing that for the past five years! It also doesn't help that Mr JB has a milestone birthday on Friday. I don't know why his turning 40 is so hard on me. How I would love to give him some great news....

It's finally my turn. Argh, gotta love the lab!!!

5 October 2010

When it rains, it pours

How fitting for a rainy day. Have I mentioned how much I cannot stand rainy days as a teacher? Cooping up 19 seven year olds all day in a classroom was tough, particularly since I needed some quiet time today, but I couldn't find any.

I'm sure that my hormones (it's CD16) are playing a part in my horrible mood, or maybe not. I like to blame my hormones for so many things.

When I woke up this morning I checked my blog comments and I had "anonymous" commenter saying that she found something offensive about my opinion regarding my friend's sister having IVF. I don't want to start a debate on my blog, I don't have the time nor the inclination to start one. But I am not going to apologize to have the point of view that I have seeing that I am a ROMAN CATHOLIC INFERTILITY BLOGGER. I'd like to believe that the people that are attracted to my blog are reading because they appreciate and understand my point of view. I have never pretended to be anything but a ROMAN CATHOLIC INFERTILITY BLOGGER. I am a Catholic school teacher, so is my husband and my brother-in-law is a Jesuit priest. If you don't want to read what I write and if you find it offensive, please go elsewhere.

So there.

I'm not even going to start about my friend who is trying to get pregnant before her wedding. I've blogged enough about scandalous weddings in the past few months. This one is just beyond my comprehension.

My teaching partner made a snide comment about my delegating to her. I know that I have griped about her lack of initiative, but I cannot believe that she would say something about me giving her things to do. If I didn't she would do nothing. When we were planning Monday afternoon she said that she would make a title page for the kids to colour for today and it wasn't done. I had to scramble for something to do because I didn't have what we had planned.

I am more than willing to mentor her. I know that I have many more years of experience than she does, but she is giving me very little to work with. I am so angry and disappointed by the tone of what she said to our colleague and I need to put out this fire ASAP. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and hopefully she will understand my frustration. I am so tired of carrying the grade two curriculum on my back since she is a certified teacher as well. It would be one thing if she was a high school co-op student or a student teacher, but she is getting paid very good money to use my ideas!

If things don't get better I am going to have to talk to my principal. We have a very good relationship and I am not a complainer, but I am so concerned for the students in her class!

Lastly, I had a little altercation with one of my friends at yoga this evening. Remember my friend K? The one that is in love with one of our gay friends? Well we have plans to see Ea.t, P.ray, L.ove on Friday and she snapped at me because I didn't know what time the movie is going to be playing. The listings on the Internet and in the paper only have the movie listings until Thursday. There are a few of us that have wanted to see the movie since it came out in August (not surprising for a bunch of friends that practice yoga) and we've put it off because K has been having some family issues.

I told K, very calmly, that we could meet at a coffee place close to the theatre and if the movie isn't playing then we could just hang out there, and if the movie is playing then we could go see it. The solution was pretty simple in my opinion, but it wasn't good enough for her. I understand that she has issues, too many to list here, but her reaction took me totally off guard, particularly when she told us to plan to see the movie without her and she would see if she could make it.


I wish that I didn't take all of this stress to heart, but I do. My Napro doc and my wonderful husband both tell me all the time that I need to relax. I did go to a Restorative yoga class tonight, rather than do a more vigorous class to see if I could calm down, but as soon as I got home I totally lost it again.

I try so hard to not let my IF issues effect my life, particularly my job. If I let all of the issues about my health and my barrenness loose on the people around me there would be a maelstrom of negative emotions surrounding me.

But I don't let it.

Perhaps it isn't the healthiest thing to do, but I do put my IF in a box when I'm out in the world because I'm so tired of letting it consume me. I'm so glad that I have my corner of the Internet to purge my thoughts, but when I feel attacked (like this morning by "anonymous") it's hard to ignore.

Does it sound like I need therapy? Or a lobotomy? Or am I just in need of a long bath and a glass of wine? Opinions anyone?

4 October 2010

Checking In

I have been a very neglectful blogger. Here's a few reasons why:

1) My teaching partner has me at my wits' end! I've realized that I have to delegate to her and I can't treat her like a colleague, but like a student. It's frustrating and it kills me that she gets paid very good money to basically use my plans to teach her class. Will having to deal with her get me closer to heaven? Probably not since I've been swearing like a sailor since I'm so frustrated!

2) My dear, sweet Ralph is moving across the country. His mom told me on Open House night and I almost started to cry right in front of her. He asked me to tell the class today and I had a very hard time holding it together. I think that I'm going to throw him a farewell party on Wednesday and I don't care if the other kids think I'm playing favourites.

3) Apparently I have a teeth grinding problem. I got a night guard to wear when I sleep (yes, so attractive! Good thing Mr. JB has to wear one too!) and I've been sleeping so much better. I had no idea how much the grinding was disturbing my sleep!

4) The 5mgs of H.ydrocort is not enough. I'm back to feeling pretty exhausted, although my mental acuity is much better. I took 10mgs one day last week to test it out and I was still tuckered out at the end of the school day. I'm hoping that my Napro doc will let me up it when I see her in November.

5) Mr. JB did a little bit of research on International Adoption last week. The P.hilippines is only adopting children older than 3 years old at present which is more than a little disappointing. I know that I need to send an e-mail to a couple of the agencies that I found, but I've been so overwhelmed with all of the school-related planning that I haven't had the time. I really hope that having Fi.lipino ancestry is going to help. Btw, have I mentioned that my parents are going to build a house next year? They're both retiring in the new year and my dad really wants to go somewhere warm during the cold Canadian winters. My dad has also offered to pay for our plane tickets so we can see the new house when it's built -- could be very convenient if we do end up adopting from there!

6) It's so cold. I don't normally complain about the fall, but I'm having an exceptionally difficult time adjusting to the colder weather. It also doesn't help that it got so cold so quickly up here.

7) I found out today that one of my girlfriends (who is a Catholic school teacher like me) is going to try to get pregnant before her wedding in January. I am so disgusted. It doesn't help that she has been living with her fiance for more than a year, but I'm so pissed! To top it off her sister, who is single and not dating, is pregnant! I have no idea who the father is, but I heard rumours that she went to a clinic and got inseminated. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that kid gets the lowdown about his/her conception.

8) I think that my VP is trying to recruit me to become an administrator. He asked me to be one of the report card administrators (basically I will help with the programming and management of the report cards at my school) which is a pretty big job. On open house night he left me in charge of the set up and he wanted me to make sure that everyone was at their station. I entertained the thought of becoming a principal when I first started teaching, but my focus is growing my family right now, not my career. Nevertheless, I'm thinking more and more about it and perhaps when our babies are older it will be something that I'd pursue.

9) I'm going for a massage on Wednesday after school. My back is a stressed out mess, and yes, I blame it on my teaching partner. I haven't seen my RMT since before my second surgery so she is going to have her work cut out for her!

10) I apologize for my lack of commenting on all of your blogs. I'm still reading, but it's been hard to keep my head above water. Please know that I am praying for all of you -- I've spent quite a bit of time asking God for strength in the recent past!

26 September 2010

Distracted Discernment

There have been so many thoughts going around in my head in the past week since I wrote my last post. I knew that after five years of IF that completely changing my focus on how to build my family wasn't going to be something easy to do.

It also doesn't help that last week was so crazy busy. Not only am I planning a completely new grade, but we also had our open house barbecue and First Communion info meeting PLUS I had the cold to end all colds. Did I also mention that Mr. JB and I took part in a walk-a-thon for our local food bank?

It's the end of September and I already need a vacation.

I've also limited our computer access by moving the laptop to the basement. I was spending too much time (read: I was wasting time on Face.book!) on it and I thought that putting in the office would help me focus. I have been reading the blogs, but I haven't been commenting much. I knew that taking a break would be difficult, but being a lurker is kinda fun.

Mr. JB and I have discussed infant adoption briefly in the past week. His reaction was pretty funny when I announced to him that I wanted a baby. For some reason his first reaction was that I wanted to do IVF! He was very relieved to find out that I was talking about infant adoption.

I've been leaning towards international adoption since I really want a child that sort of looks like me. I know that adopting from the P.hilippines (where my family is from) is difficult and can take a long time, but I feel that is where my heart is leading me. I'm also curious about adopting from K.orea and Ch.ina, and we know couples that have adopted from both places.

I need to dedicate some time into some research. We haven't completely disregarded domestic adoption and there is an agency that I'm curious about in our city. Do any of you have any advice where we should start?

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed!

20 September 2010

Who was I trying to fool?

So after my pity-party post on Saturday Mr. JB and I went grocery shopping. A normal Saturday afternoon activity that we both enjoy doing -- I love going to the grocery store with Mr. JB. When we don't go together I'm kinda sad.

But I digress.

We were nearing the end of our shopping trip when we stopped in the clothing area (yes, we shop at the grocery store that sells clothing and housewares, one stop shopping that I love!). I was looking around for stuff for myself when I was paralyzed by a little girl's purple puffy jacket on the rack. Then I said to Mr. JB:

"I want to have a little girl so she can wear that."

How could I fool myself into thinking that I could be childless?

I sucked back the tears and continued to the check out, but the thought kept on coming back.

"I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

Which brings me to another conundrum. I have blogged before about adopting from the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety which means that we would not probably never adopt a baby. And I want a baby.


I've tried to convince myself since my infertility started to become apparent (heck, I knew that there was something wrong the first month I didn't conceive) that adopting an older child was something that I wanted. I tell people that I want a four year old and not a baby.

I am a liar.

I want a cuddly, big headed, milk smelling baby. I want the sleepless nights. I want to change diapers. I want to button up onesies. I want to baby-proof my house.

Again, duh.

The biggest reason, that I have just realized, that I have not started filling out the adoption paperwork (and I am really good at filling out forms, I'm that kind of type-A person) is that I don't want an older child. I thought that I could convince myself that adopting the "hard to adopt" child was my calling, but it isn't. At least not at this point.

So where do I go from here?

I have to tell Mr. JB, first off. I know that he won't be shocked. He sees me with my fertile bf's baby and I can't keep my hands off of him. I'm a baby person. Everyone knows it. Babies and small animals are drawn to me (yes, it's true, don't laugh). I know what to do when a baby cries and even the fussiest babies love me. I have stunned many a mother with my baby calming skills.

My biggest worry is the cost. I know that we're in a really good financial position, but domestic and international adoption are expensive. I also know that if this is the route that we are going to pursue I will not be able to be a stay at home mom. We lead an incredibly comfortable life right now and cutting that income in half would make our life very difficult. I also know that my dream of a detached home would not be possible any time in the near future.

I have seen many bloggers find a way to adopt, regardless of finances. If it is meant to be then we will find the money. We both have parents that have the means to help us, although I really don't want to have to ask.

So folks, what do I do? I'm frightened. I didn't expect this realization to rock my world like it is right now.

p.s. My chiropractor gave me a breast feeding book today. "You're going to need this," she said to me. I wanted to laugh, but I also felt a glimmer of hope. There's one person that's convinced that my barren uterus will conceive.

18 September 2010

Near Done


AF snuck up on me. I was in the middle of tiding up and there she was when I went for a pee break. I was suspicious since all I've wanted to do is ear chocolate and sleep, but there was a glimmer of hope that the H.ydrocort + HCG trigger was going to do the trick.


It's sad that I'm not surprised. The first thought that came to mind was that I want off of this TTC train. Five years of being disappointed month after month are just too much. I know that there are those of you that have been waiting much longer, but psychologically I can't do much more.

The scariest thing is what is going to come next. I hoped that I would be drawn to adopting, but the thought of remaining childless seems to be more and more of an option.

I never thought that I would ever think of the latter as an option.

The thing is, I'm not in the depths of despair, part of me feels almost at peace. I know that I have a wonderful life filled with many, many blessings and that perhaps this is how my life is meant to be.

More discerning to come, I'm sure.

13 September 2010

Ten Surprising Things -- the Procrastinator Version

That pesky girl over at All You Who Hope inspired me to write this, rather than mark my students' homework. She's such a bad influence.

Tee hee ;)

So here goes:

1) I hate to print which is not a good thing for a second grade teacher. I miss cursive writing so much. I have been complimented on my penmanship, but I think that it is such a pain in the butt to be neat while printing.

2) I wanted to be a doctor until I started university. I almost failed out my first year so I switched from Science to French. My grades skyrocketed and although my parents were really angry (they were in denial until I graduated), they were relieved when I decided to go to teachers' college since they had no idea what I would do with a degree in French!

3) I don't remember meeting Mr. JB for the first time. We were at an after school in-service and he noticed me but I had my blinders on so I don't remember him at all. Ha ha.

4) I listen to music really loud in my car, but I hate anything else that's loud. Loud TV commercials drive me around the bend and I hate any sort of loud voices or arguing. It's tough since Mr. JB has a naturally loud voice. I spend a lot of time asking him to lower his voice.

5) I love to exercise. If I didn't have to work full time I would work out EVERY DAY. When I was still living at home I would go to the gym five days a week. I figure it's the endorphins. I also have a fear of getting fat. It may have something to do with the fact that my mother has called me fat my entire life, even though I know that I'm not.

6) I speak three languages, but I am the worst translator EVER. I can only think in one language at a time.

7) I started my Ph. D studies while I was living in France. I left it all behind when I got into teachers' college back home. I don't regret it at all. I read some really good books and sat in on some interesting discussions.

8) If I could go back to school I'd get a Masters degree in Library Science or Art History. Have I mentioned that I love school?

9) I'm a neat freak, but I get totally overwhelmed with paperwork. I have so much to file right now that I have no idea where to start. My classroom, however, is perfectly organized.

10) I have owned only two cars in my entire life. My parents got me a car for my 18th birthday (the perks of being an only child) and then I got a new car when I was 29. I will continue to drive my car until it falls apart in the street then I am going to get a REALLY NICE car since I'm sick of driving a car that old ladies drive.

So that's it folks. I need to mark something before I fall asleep at my desk!

12 September 2010

A New Lease On Life

Thank God for whoever invented H.ydrocort.

For the first time in over a year I have had the most productive week of my life. I was able to teach, plan, go to yoga, see my girlfriends (I went out on Friday night until 11pm!!!), visited with family and I even had enough energy to finally move our home office to the basement.

I would not have been able to do all of that without H.ydrocort.

I was on adrenal supplements that were prescribed by my naturopath, but they did nothing in comparison! I did have to take a nap on Wednesday after school, but I think that was normal considering my body is still trying to adjust from the sloth of summer to being a whirling dervish.

What I'm most happy about is the thought clarity. I can plan things logically and not feel so absolutely overwhelmed. I even went grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon all by myself! I have not been able to do that without almost crying in the aisles of the store in a very long time.

It's been a little over a week and I am praising the Lord for the gift of this medicine. I wonder if the extra estrogen from the E.stace is helping with anything (any advice out there?). The HCG is definitely helping with the crazies, but I wonder if having two new drugs in my system are both helping.

I have to go to the lab to get my blood drawn before school. My Napro doctor wants me to have my Peak +7, insulin resistance (I'm not 100% sure and the requisition is two floors up and I don't want to run up to get it!), DHEA levels (since my spit test in July said that my levels were high) as well as my fasting glucose levels. I'm also seriously considering doing the food allergy test that she recommended in the spring, although I'm petrified that it will limit my diet even more.

I love feeling a sense of accomplishment. The only thing that I wasn't able to do was figure out the WiFi connection to our new printer. There is no way that I would've been able to do all that I did today without a two hour nap. Mr. JB was shocked that I didn't nap at all today! I don't want to speculate about what the H.ydrocort is doing for my reproductive parts, but I'm hoping that it's helping out in that department!

9 September 2010

A Test To My Patience

And this time I'm not talking about my empty uterus.

My teaching partner is on maternity leave (FYI: In Canada you get a year of paid mat leave, you only get 60% of your salary, but hey, it's better than a kick in the pants!) and she will be returning in January. The teacher that they hired is fresh out of teachers' college and although she seems sweet, she's already driving me crazy!

It's not the greatest time to be a new teacher. Hardly anyone is hiring full time positions and it's hard to get sub work. The fact that this girl got a contract for four months is a pretty amazing thing.

Which brings me to why I'm so frustrated:

1) She missed the staff meeting on the very first day of school. The principal mentioned that we were having a meeting at 8:15am to get any last minute concerns out of the way and he also wanted to have a short liturgy. I was at school at 7:30am on the first day of school (our bell rings at 8:45am) to make sure everything was ready (which it already was, but I'm more than a bit OCD). Who misses a staff meeting on the first day of their very first job??? Her excuse was that she forgot which is also proof that she doesn't pay attention.

2) We decided that we were going to do our lesson plans in the morning. I can barely spell my own name at the end of the day and I am definitely a morning person. She asked me what time I usually arrive at school and I told her between 7:40 and 7:45am. I assumed (I know that I shouldn't have, but I did) that she wanted to know so she would show up at the same time. She showed up at 8:15 one morning and 8:10 the next. What is up with that????

I plan to tell her that I want to plan a week at a time so that we don't have to worry about meeting every day -- it also lessens the stress because you know where you have to end up by Friday. I honestly thought that she would've learned something about lesson planning in school, but obviously I was wrong.

3) She didn't understand the math lesson that we taught today. It was the first lesson in our patterning unit (i.e. one orange block, two white blocks, one orange block, two orange blocks, etc). The kids had to transfer the pattern on a grid. That was it. We're teaching the second grade, not university calculus. I was a bit shocked since the teacher manual had the lesson laid out step by step. She also brought the book home to review the lesson. I may have to send in a kid from my class to help her teach!

I recognize that my patience level is not at it's highest. I've been TTC for over five years, I'm sick of waiting for anything. I was also hoping that I would have a PARTNER, not another student. I think that she realized that I was annoyed today, but I don't know if that knowledge is going to change her behaviour. The thing is that I hate confrontation. I told Mr. JB that I would just do all of the planning, but he reminded me that she is getting paid to do her job (and pretty well, I might add) so she needs to contribute.

It's obvious to me that she just doesn't understand how hard a teacher's job actually is. I remember when I started teaching that I would get to school early and not leave until 5 or 6pm! I did that for the first two years and when I was off of probation I relaxed, a bit. Mr. JB is having similar issues with new teachers on his staff. He calls it a sense of entitlement. I have job security and I still want to impress my boss!

I know that I need to be more understanding. Perhaps no one told her what is to be expected of her? Perhaps she isn't a morning person? Perhaps she is just clueless?

In cycle news: I started taking E.stace last night. My Napro doc wants me to take it from Peak +3 to +10. I've already noticed that my CM has all dried up. I almost never use the green stickers on my chart and I'm so shocked that I get to today! The only side effect I felt this morning was a dull headache that went away after I had some breakfast and green tea.

The H.ydrocort is still working its magic. I did fall asleep on the couch for about an hour last night, but I functioned like a normal human being all day yesterday. I have to see my naturopath so I can discuss my normal thyroid, iron and Vitamin D levels, but that's going to have to wait until life settles down.

I can't believe that it's only been three days. It already feels like I've never been gone!

7 September 2010

Day One

So it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

The morning was a bit chaotic and I lost some kids from the gym (where we convened for our opening day paraliturgy -- I LOVE teaching at a Catholic school!) and I had to send some reliable kids to gather my stragglers. I thought that teaching grade two would make the first day a little smoother, but I was wrong. One of my kids ended up in completely the wrong class and the principal had to deliver her to my door! Poor little thing, a new school AND she had no idea where to go!

I did get some sad news this morning. One of my best students has moved to Poland! Apparently her mother just couldn't adjust to life in Canada (after ten years!) and she decided to move her three kids back to the homeland. I heard through the grapevine that my little student is having the worst time adjusting and that she is so unhappy. The dad is still in the neighbourhood wrapping up loose ends and he said that he's going to join the family, but I'm a bit suspicious. Could you please say a prayer for little A? She was like a bright light in my class and I miss her terribly.

In cycle news: Today is Peak +2. I think that I did my trigger shot on the wrong day 'cos I had peak-type mucus after I did the shot. Mr. JB and I used all the fertile days plus Peak +1 so hopefully with the H.ydrocort my ladyparts are going to work!

I'm feeling so good on the H.ydrocort! I didn't have an energy dip at lunch and I felt completely human all day long. The only time that I feel tired is before I have to go to bed which is completely normal! I love this stuff!!!

Only 187 days to go. I hope that this year is a good one.

6 September 2010

Reality Eve

I hate Labour Day.

For so many reasons.

I have been trying not to think of yet another Labour Day that is about to pass without a child in my arms. I have been trying not to think of just a few Labour Days ago that I thought that I would surely be staying home -- for good.

But this Labour Day is different. I'm not recovering from surgery. I'm not in pain and I have thankfully been taking H.ydrocort since last Friday. I'm definitely not 100%, but at least I'm not a hopelessly tired person that is trying her best to hold it together! I did feel an energy slump yesterday around lunch, but we had just eaten a huge breakfast and I always feel sleepy after a big meal. I had another slump today, but I was able to drive all the way home from my father-in-law's place which was no mean feat in traffic AND a manual transmission!

My biggest guess is that I'm going to need more than 5mg to get me through the day, but we'll have to see how I feel after a day of teaching. It's one thing to be tired when at home or entertaining, but actually using my brain is a totally different story.

Yesterday was an interesting day. My brother-in-law invited a whole bunch of friends and family over to my FIL's place for a barbecue. He's returning to Rome to finish his degree in Canon Law so it was his last chance to see everyone before the 14th. The house was full of babies and little children and although I felt the familiar pangs of sadness, I had a lot of fun playing with the little kids. One of the most interesting games seemed to be "chase Auntie JellyBelly around the back yard." It seemed like every child chased me around and tried to catch me, great practice for teaching gym to my class!

I would like to believe that this will be my last anxious Labour Day post. I would like to believe that I am not going to continue to be barren this time next year.

But I can't.

I do feel like I'm on the cusp of something new. The adoption paperwork has been calling my name and I know that it is almost time to crack open the envelope and be brave. I'm tired of living in limbo and the promise of what could be if...

So Happy New Year to all of you out there. I'm too tired to be anxious or nervous. My back to school dress is hanging in the closet and I've even packed extra flats just in case I get sore feet (which will inevitably happen!). All I have to do is say my prayers and go to sleep so that's where I'm off to now!

1 September 2010

Normal Sucks

Yes folks, normal sucks big fat donkey balls.

Ha ha.

First off, today has been the LONGEST day of my life. My appointment was at 11am and I felt like I have not stopped since I got out of bed this morning. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but setting up a new classroom takes A LOT of effort.

But I digress since this isn't a teaching blog.

So, my appointment with my Napro doctor was anticlimactic. After imagining the worst of the worst, I found out that my thyroid is normal.

I'm not hypothyroid.


Here are the numbers:

T4 Free 16 pmol/L
sTSH 1.06 mIU/L
Free T3 3.8 pmol/L

All within the stupid range.


My vitamin D was also normal: 153 nmol/L

My vitamin B12 is fine: 903 pmol/L

I was also concerned that my iron was deficient, but alas that wasn't: 75 ug/L

So nothing new is wrong with me, but my stupid hormones are still messed up.

Here are my Peak +7 numbers for June:

estrogen 204
progesterone 189

And for July:

estrogen 150
progesterone 95

(Sorry about the lack of units. I got a photocopy of some of the results so I could show my naturopath.)

My Napro doctor is concerned that my LH was high and that I didn't seem to ovulate until two days later according to my hormone and ultrasound panel from July. She would like me to try an HCG trigger on my Peak day to help the follicle rupture (thank God that HCG is covered by our insurance!). She also wants to change my F.emara dosage. I will be taking five pills on days 3, 4 and 5. In addition to that I will be taking E.stace post Peak (I will also continue HCG on Peak +3, 5, 7 and 9).

Two more cycles of this new protocol.

The biggest event is that she prescribed H.ydrocort for my adrenal fatigue, even though my levels weren't crazy low. I complained at length about my pervasive fatigue and she agreed to put me on a low dose (5mg daily). It's a start and hopefully it will give me enough of a boost so I'm not a zombie.

Lastly, Mr. JB got the result of his most recent sperm analysis. Apparently his great summer (= lots of adult "pops") has affected his sperm count. His count from last week was only 11 million whereas at his last sperm analysis two years ago his count was 36 million. The motility and morphology were both fine, he's just got to cut back on his drinking A LOT. Not a huge sacrifice in comparison to all the things I've had to give up!

I'm feeling so numb to my results. I so wished that I was hypothyroid so I could have a clear-cut reason for my IF. I would like to hope that the H.ydrocort will give my reproductive system enough of a boost so we can conceive, but I know that I am almost at the end of my TTC journey. I know that I have only so much more patience with my body and I need to move on.

I hope that after my meeting tomorrow then a restful long weekend will bring me more perspective. I know that I have a lot of discerning to do in the next while. There are adoption papers to fill out in my basement and other agencies to research. And most of all, I have a lot of praying to do. I have to figure out how to heal my disappointed and broken infertile heart before I can see what is ahead of me.

And hopefully it isn't an insane asylum, because I'm close folks. Really close.

11am (EST)

I get my thyroid and assorted Napro-related results at 11am.

Why do I want more stuff wrong with me????

I promise an update as soon as I can. Unfortunately I have to head back to school to finish up my set-up. I hate being a type A, OCD teacher.

I so want a busted thyroid (yes Sew, it is your fault!!!!).