I drove home in Mr. JB's new car.
Yes, the manual transmission vehicle that I've only driven twice before.
And we were far from home -- in the north part of our suburb and it was more than a half hour drive in the rain.
We went out to eat after my cousin's Confirmation (Mr. JB was her sponsor, woohoo!) and I told him that I wanted to drive partway home. I kept on asking him if he wanted to pull over, but he told me to keep on going. I ground the gears once and I stalled when I tried to drive into our driveway! I was so worried that I would crash into our garage door (which would've sucked!).
Anyhow, Mr. JB told me more than once that I was being too hard on myself. I kept on panicking and apologizing needlessly that he was getting annoyed. He was pretty impressed that I was doing so well after only having driven standard two times before.
Which brings me to a little revelation.
Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I'm not saying that I'm feeling more optimistic in the TTC department, but I'm being too hard on myself. Five cycles is nothing (I can't imagine getting to 18 cycles at this point, but we're taking baby steps here).
I have to lay off the pressure that I put on myself. I can't help it. I'm a type A go-getter that has been successful at pretty much everything I've done, with the exception of having a baby.
Let's see if I can take my own advice.
I know that I'm going to get better at driving the new car. I just have to start believing that motherhood is a possibility.
Let's see how long that takes.
I just wanted to stop by to say thank you so very much for your thoughtful gift! It has already been an immense blessing to me. Thank you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI truly FEAR the idea of driving stick! You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteAnd, I am glad that you are renewed in your hope! You have good things ahead, I am sure of it! Praying!!
It's so easy for us to be hard on ourselves - I think women in general can be this way sometimes. It's good to hear that you are lightening up the pressure you place on yourself.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the car!
Your a brave lady! I can't drive stick, no way no how!
ReplyDeleteThat is a great point. I know what it is like to want instant success in all you try. Wish I achieved it more often, lol. I have to say that noone can look a long period in the eye and face it (like dh and I not able to be intimate while pregnant) but we take it one day at a time and with the help of the Holy Spirit (I crazy love the prayer on my blog-sidebar) we have strength and perspective through it all.
ReplyDeleteGreat new insight and you are right.....5 cycles is a start to getting healthy and so great fertility is a'comin!
ReplyDeletebtw, once you get the hang of it a stick is GREAT! Sounds like you are doing a good job!
Good job driving! My hubby taught me how to drive a stick on the same truck he learned on way back when - we drove around a park, around and around and around until I could do it smoothly. Then he made me drive back to his parents house (they lived on a hill, so I was terrified) and I only stalled once! It feels good to finally conquer a manual transmission, doesn't it? Our main car is a manual now, and I don't even think twice about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better today! It's easy to be hard on ourselves. Sometimes a 5 month stretch can feel like 2 years! Hang in there though, I'm really thinking there's a light at the end of this tunnel for both of us!
Good job! I can drive Mr. Blondie's car which is a stick in a pinch if he tells me when to shift. I need to make some time so I can really know how to drive it.
ReplyDeleteI definitely get the pressure thing. I'm glad to hear you are trying not to put so much on yourself.
I think we seem to give ourselves such a hard time, we beat ourselves up over everything, and we carry the weight of all that is wrong in our life (and if you are like me in our parents lives etc). It's an impossible way to live, and only recently I have been letting it all go, you and I can only be responsible for ourselves, and not for natures work, not for other's lives and opinions, just us.
ReplyDeletei'm rambling a bit, sorry, hope it makes sense,
PS - proud of you for driving stick - I HATE stick and suck at it - only do it when we do the long drive out east on the highway...
Sometimes, I miss driving stick. Until I get stuck in mad traffic and then I'm glad my car is an automatic.
ReplyDeleteKeep on believing. It can happen.
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