5 December 2012


Dear Formerly IF Colleague,

I think it's great that you are pg. I am so glad that you don't have to suffer through more years of IF like I do, but do you really have to talk about your pregnancy all the time?

The "sex announcement" cupcakes were cute, but I feel like they're mocking me. The talk about the baby names you've chosen, the things you've bought for your nursery and all things baby are kinda driving me nuts, especially when you go on and on in the staff room while I'm eating my lunch.

Give an IF girl a break!!!!

Obviously you have forgotten the pain of IF. I wish I could, but I'm still on the outside, looking in.


ps Thank God for my IF counsellor. If it wasn't for our meeting on Monday this would've been a much angrier post.


  1. Ugh! This is so hard, even more so, I think, from someone who was IF and should understand where you are at. I'm so sorry you're having to listen to it all.

  2. That's tough, you would think she would remember the pain of IF. Praying for you JB!

  3. I wish I could come hug you! And bring you a gender-nondescript, gluten-free, uber-delicious, "JB is awesome" cupcake. And we won't let her have any. ;) <3 you buddy!!

  4. I can personally state, now that I am on the other side of adoption, that it is really easy to forget what it was like to want kids for all that time. Not that I mean to upset anyone or dismiss what I went through, it's just easy to be happy where I am and not be longing for this anymore. I'm sure she's just so happy it is bubbling over too much. Be as gracious as you can muster.

    On another note, I'm glad that you're moving forward with the homestudy. Having to deal with your IF doesn't mean you would be a broken mother, in my opinion. It means you would be a mother who understands what it is to hurt. Keep going with the social worker. I'm sure that with all the questions they are going to ask you, it will help you process your feelings even more. It did with me. I really enjoyed talking with ours.

    I hope this will bring you one step closer to being a family of three. Can't wait to see how God chooses to use you as a mom.

  5. See...I get that it's easy to forget. If that weren't true, these things wouldn't happen. But I'm going to go ahead and disagree with Sissy. Sure, if you want to earn points in heaven (FINE), be as gracious as you can. But the person who should be gracious is not the person being hurt. Graciousness is really called for from the callous over-celebrator. I KNOW she forgot. The point is that she should be WORKING to remember, not so that she stays sad, but so that she doesn't make anyone else sadder.

    I don't get to forget what it's like to be a student with no money because I have a salary, when flaunting it would hurt someone. I don't get to forget what it's like to be single and lonely (even though I wasn't single long enough to be lonely about it - and I know for some people it worked that way with kids) because I'm married, and be callous to my friends who are still waiting. In short, my enjoyment of what I have will never, ever entitle me celebrate so obviously as to hurt someone who I know (or would know if I cared) is suffering. Do I break this rule? Sometimes. I probably do. I really try, though. And if I were hurting someone, I would WANT to be told. But we assume that we're not allowed to tell the new mommies (even former infertiles!) - we're lepers. We have to suffer in silence, because God put the mark of Cain on us, and we don't have the right to ask for compassion or basic courtesy from other humans. Why is that?!

  6. yuck. Sorry you have to deal with this insensitive person. Just not fun, not fun at all.

  7. Ugh. So sorry, JB!! Wish she could try and remember to be a bit more sensitive! Definitely sounds like a great idea to have an IF counselor, though.

  8. It's hard to live with IF especially when an IF friend does conceive and that friend just seems to forget about the pain and cross that you are still carrying.

    When one of my best friends in life was getting married and I was still single...all she would say is "I'm getting married or I'm married now." Blah, blah, blah. I did eventually get married and guess what...she's now divorced...but do I rub it in her face that I'm STILL married...no...I'm better than that. God wants you to rise above this...and you can!

  9. As my kids would say, "Oh, snap!" So, so sorry that you suffer this additional pain. And it IS emotional pain not easily brushed under the rug. Glad you have someone who you can trust and talk to about it. Hang tough! What if you quietly got up and walked out of the room?

  10. Argh is right. Sorry you have to sit through this. I agree with the misfit. It's one thing to forget the pain of IF, but it's another to go over the top with celebrating in front of someone you know is still IF. That's really insensitive.

  11. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your school's Christmas break comes quickly, so that you have a rest from her over enthusiasm.

  12. Too bad she forgets so quickly what it's like to be on the other side :(. I know we'd all love to be in her position - pregnant and able to shout it from the rooftops, but once you've suffered from infertility, there is no celebrations without awareness. Surely she could temper her over-the-top baby talk out of kindness to you :(.
    Glad you've got an IF counselor to help you work through those feelings! I remember when I was doing acupuncture, the doc would tell me that my heart was too "open" and I needed to get better at protecting it. We can't control the actions of others, but over time we can learn how to guard our hearts from every barb. It is definitely not easy to do, though, when you're feeling such grief and loss all the time!
    I hope your week improves ((hugs)).

  13. So glad your IF counselor is helping!

    I totally agree with misfit, while I know you are trying to be gracious, you really do not need to be.

  14. Well, she might not have forgotten the pain of IF, she just might not be talking about it in the work lunchroom.

    I'm sorry JB, I know it sucks.

    Glad you appt with your IF counsellor went well.

  15. Thank-you for posting this, i too forget and i haven't been as careful with my close IF friend and this post has served as a reminder how as time has passed by how insensitive i've become. i said i would never forget so i can have some compassion. I don't forget that they are miracles and so i don't take them for granted but i shouldn't be living for myself either and remember the pain of others.
    My prayers are with you and your spouse always. Hold on to your cross of IF cause I know God is working wonders through it, i know you may not see it all the time but He is and does.