15 October 2012

Changing my heart...

Our first weekend of P.RIDE training went well. The first day was overwhelming, but I'm so glad that we are taking the course. From what we can guess, there is only one non-IF couple in the class with us! 

After the first day I was almost 100% certain that we were going to pursue international adoption, but yesterday there was a guest speaker that planted another seed. She said that the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety is looking for mixed race couples, particularly Caucasian/Asian and Caucasian/Black couples. Apparently there aren't a lot of biracial couples that are looking to adopt! 

The CAS adoption is definitely attractive for one big reason: cost. There isn't one (although we decided to pay for our adoption training and most likely will be paying for our own home study -- I'm done with waiting!!). It would also help with my plan to be a stay-at-home mom AND we do have the HUGE debt we are still paying off to Omaha. 

I am definitely excited by the new options. I have felt so frustrated at the doors that seem to have been closing for us, this weekend just showed us that there are more avenues that we can pursue to become parents!

I also know that I am going to need to do some therapy before we go too far into our new journey. I haven't gotten past the anger of IF and I want to be able to work through those feelings. I knew that the time was coming, and we talked about all the feelings of loss that adoption can bring about. I am tired of carrying the weight of my sadness around. 

So there we are. I can't wait until next weekend. It definitely is a big perk being an educator since we seemed to know so many of the answers!

37 comments:

  1. This is wonderful...I think I'm going to write it on my mirror so I see it every morning and every night....thanks for sharing this!

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  2. My heart is smiling for you and Mr. JB. I can only imagine the emotions you are going through, and will still have to go through, but I am so glad for your journey and what is to come.

    "I'm done with waiting" - I think there is more power in that statement about how ready you are for adoption than you realize :).

    St. Joseph, pray for us.

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  3. I am delurking to comment on this post. I am a birthmother and I want to applaud your commitment to working through your IF issues while you persue adoption. When I chose my son's parents, I chose a couple who had done the hard work of healing from IF because I didn't want my son to be in a home where he was expected to be the "bandaide". That's a lot of responsibility for a child and I personally think it's unfair. I will pray for you that joy replaces your sadness and that motherhood finds you feeling peaceful and whole. Each day is a day closer :) God bless!

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  4. Wonderful news, JB. You will be in my prayers as you move along this new path. :)

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  5. Love that doors and possibilities are opening! Praying for you!!

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  6. So happy for you JB, I can hear how uplifted you are! Good things are coming your way.

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  7. This is wonderful JB - so happy for you and your DH! Many, many prayers headed your way!!!

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  8. Ditto! And what the beautiful Anonymous wrote...oh my. What a beautiful perspective, very honest and very real. Prayers and hugs and happiness for you both.

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  9. I love the excitement and peace that you share in this post! You two are so much fun and so kind - any child in your home will be blessed!!!

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  10. Sending love and prayers! So happy for you!

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  11. I am so excited for you! Excited about the possibilities of adoption through the CAS. Excited about your recognition of needing to work through your sadness. And so on. You are going to be such an excellent mother!!

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  12. Such great news and I'm so happy you are liking everything and pray that God guide you as you go through the adoption processes. I think that I should have probably gone through some counseling myself during the adoption process. Actually, through IF! I think I had anger issues. I hope it lifts you up and like you said, takes a weight off your shoulders.
    What a beautiful quote! It brings tears to my eyes. Know that I continue to pray for you and your DH!!

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  13. Great news! you got this, love you boocharella! :)

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  14. Hooray! CAS is so exciting! A very good idea to do some counselling first - I applaud you!. Wow, to be a SAHM! I agree, paying for your own pride and home study is way faster and more likely to make a match sooner, it is the way to go - but miles cheaper than international or private.

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  15. Glad that you are taking this course! Such a great step on our journey.

    I agree about dealing with the pain of IF before adopting. Great plan. It was during our adoption training that I once and for all let it all out (to our social worker and my husband) about how I really felt. For me it meant saying that "I am DONE TTC" I put it behind me. God opened the doors of my heart to reveal His Plan A for us ADOPTION!
    For you, He will work through your heart/emotions exactly how YOU need them to heal. Praying for you!

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  16. Your strength is amazing. You are impacting people with your strength in ways you wouldn't know. I'm so proud of you and your willingness to go down this path. Keep doing God's will friend...He is LOVE and he will bring you JOY!!! Hugs:))))

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  17. What a brilliant saying. And I, too, have had that feeling for some time that IF-related therapy will be in my future - I guess I'm just figuring I'll know when it's time. (Maybe when I stop being so busy and take stock of where I am, it will be past time. Ah, well.)

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  18. Wow- the comment from Anon, I hope that gives you the confirmation you need, because it sure spoke volumes to me! Thanks for sharing, Anon!
    There was a time when I realized I was fighting SO HARD to conceive because I was so angered by my inability to adopt... Opposite of most couples, I was using TTC to be the bandaid for Inadoption, and it wasn't pretty. I realized I needed to be equally open to life on all avenues, including the childless avenue. It was only then that true healing began. I can hear you embarking on those same emotions and I am SO excited for you. :). Because no matter what waits for you at the end of this road, if there can be healing, it will all be worth it!

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  19. It sounds like you are turning a corner- always a scary proposition. The therapy I'm doing for anger management has been very powerful in all areas of life. You are in my daily prayers...

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  20. So very excited for you!!! I can't even begin to imagine all the emotions that are running through you right now-just know I'm definitely praying for y'all and so excited to hear all about what's to come!

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