I have learned so many things from almost six years of IF.
One of which is how to wait.
I hate waiting.
I hate having to be patient.
All the time.
Argh.
Setting up a surgery date with PPVI is proving to be yet another trial to my patience. The woman that does the bookings is only there Tuesdays mornings. Like most teachers, I am quite busy on Tuesday mornings. It's tough for me to find time to pee, let alone call Omaha during my morning! So I fired off an e-mail to the booking nurse explaining my case and why I needed a date in the near future.
Let's just hope she takes pity on me and gives me something!
[sigh]
I did have a moment of clarity last week: I know that I am meant to have my third (and hopefully final!) surgery in the US. I am not counting on my provincial health care footing the bill for my surgery and after the summer I will have most of the money to pay for surgery in Omaha, although I'm hoping that surgery in PA will be cheaper since we can actually drive there!
I should be thankful for the options that are open to us and I know that all of this was meant to happen -- yes, even the pesky pelvic abscess which was so much fun.
I just hope and pray that this part of my IF journey is just a little easier that the road that I have already traveled.
------------------------------------------------
Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. Aunt Fran's funeral was so beautiful. It is so unfortunate that we only seem to see our extended family at weddings and at funerals. The church basement was being painted and the Lion's Hall was being used so the reception after the funeral was at her house. She would've been so happy that everyone got to see her beautiful garden that she was working in when she had her heart attack. We've shed many tears, not all sad, but she was a reminder to live life to its fullest and to appreciate everything that God has given us.
30 May 2011
24 May 2011
Paralysis
I've been sitting on the couch in a relative stupor for hours.
I thought that going to a Restorative yoga class this afternoon would help clear my head, but I'm just done.
I have my PPVI paperwork to fill out. I have math tests to mark. I have a messy kitchen.
And most of all I'm sad.
I know that Auntie Fran lived a long and happy life. She survived the sudden death of her first husband in a tragic train accident when she was pregnant with her third child. She was a single mom when it wasn't common. She finished her degree at night school and taught Family Studies, all with young children at home. She went on to marry her second husband who she also survived.
I couldn't imagine outliving TWO husbands!
She was a happy grandmother who loved to garden and cook for her family. I will never forget the first squishy hug that she gave me at my very first family reunion, or the happiness on her face when we saw her after mass on Sunday morning.
Auntie Fran would be so upset with us if she knew how many tears we have shed today.
It seems like 2011 is a year of loss for the JellyBelly household.
And yes, AF arrived today. I prayed for a miracle, but alas my many novenas and supplications didn't work.
I'm so tired of being sad. So, so tired.
Thank you all for all of your prayers and support. I need to find something low GI that will work as good as chocolate and wine does. I think that I'm in for quite a search.
I thought that going to a Restorative yoga class this afternoon would help clear my head, but I'm just done.
I have my PPVI paperwork to fill out. I have math tests to mark. I have a messy kitchen.
And most of all I'm sad.
I know that Auntie Fran lived a long and happy life. She survived the sudden death of her first husband in a tragic train accident when she was pregnant with her third child. She was a single mom when it wasn't common. She finished her degree at night school and taught Family Studies, all with young children at home. She went on to marry her second husband who she also survived.
I couldn't imagine outliving TWO husbands!
She was a happy grandmother who loved to garden and cook for her family. I will never forget the first squishy hug that she gave me at my very first family reunion, or the happiness on her face when we saw her after mass on Sunday morning.
Auntie Fran would be so upset with us if she knew how many tears we have shed today.
It seems like 2011 is a year of loss for the JellyBelly household.
And yes, AF arrived today. I prayed for a miracle, but alas my many novenas and supplications didn't work.
I'm so tired of being sad. So, so tired.
Thank you all for all of your prayers and support. I need to find something low GI that will work as good as chocolate and wine does. I think that I'm in for quite a search.
:(
Auntie Fran died this morning at 5:40.
Needless to say we are both devastated, but as Mr JB just said, she is reunited with her husbands, one of which she hasn't seen in 60 years.
Please pray for the repose of her soul and for the comfort of her children and grandchildren.
Now, I have to get through the day. [sigh]
Needless to say we are both devastated, but as Mr JB just said, she is reunited with her husbands, one of which she hasn't seen in 60 years.
Please pray for the repose of her soul and for the comfort of her children and grandchildren.
Now, I have to get through the day. [sigh]
23 May 2011
Prayers please!
I'm in need of your help again, my dear blog friends.
Mr JB's Aunt Fran had a heart attack this afternoon. She's about 80 and is in pretty good health, or so we thought until just now. We saw her after mass yesterday and she was so happy to see us. Aunt Fran has survived two husbands (one that was killed in a train accident while she was pregnant with her third child), the deaths of two son-in-laws and has a daughter-in-law who is currently battling cancer. She lives in a house right beside the Catholic church in Mr JB's hometown, so hopefully that proximity will help out.
She is the sweetest lady and has one of the biggest hearts in a person so small.
We had a couple of months of quiet, I guess.
Please storm heaven for our Auntie Fran!!!!!
18 May 2011
Hi God..., (with a new p.s.)
...it's me, JellyBelly,
First off, thank you so much for the break in the rain. I thought that I was going to lose my mind this morning when we woke up to another morning of the wet stuff. Indoor recess with 19 7 year olds is not fun. Ever.
I've been having one of those days. When I got to school one of my colleagues told me about the house that she is going to look at with her soon-to-be fiance. She mentioned that she didn't want to move in together before her wedding, but she wasn't sure if her fiance could afford to live in the house they want alone. She was trying to justify living together before marriage and it annoyed me so much! I had to bite my tongue and leave the room. I know that I shouldn't judge others, but it was so hard.
It also doesn't help that this particular colleague has been getting on my nerves. One of my students won a competition the other day and she was trying to take the credit by saying how much work she did with him in grade one. It really hurt my feelings since I've done a lot of work with him too!
Oh God, please give me more patience. I seem to be lacking.
I am also having a very hard time with my colleague's new pregnancy. Every day I see her, and we see one another a lot, I feel pangs of jealousy. I want so badly for a baby to grow in my womb. Haven't I been waiting long enough?
Lord, I am pleading with you for a break. IF has been a heavier than usual weight on my shoulders. I feel like you keep providing more answers, but it doesn't make it easier.
I feel so forgotten right now, Lord. I wish that I didn't, but I do.
Love,
JellyBelly
p.s. I attended my school's Confirmation this evening and the Bishop's words really stuck in my head. He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course) that watching the young people of my school receive such an important sacrament is a reminder for us (the congregation) to become closer to Christ and remember our Confirmation. I remember my Confirmation night so clearly -- particularly because I was afraid that I was going to start speaking in tongues when I got anointed with the chrism! I'm holding fast to this cross Lord, but please be merciful on my impatient heart!
First off, thank you so much for the break in the rain. I thought that I was going to lose my mind this morning when we woke up to another morning of the wet stuff. Indoor recess with 19 7 year olds is not fun. Ever.
I've been having one of those days. When I got to school one of my colleagues told me about the house that she is going to look at with her soon-to-be fiance. She mentioned that she didn't want to move in together before her wedding, but she wasn't sure if her fiance could afford to live in the house they want alone. She was trying to justify living together before marriage and it annoyed me so much! I had to bite my tongue and leave the room. I know that I shouldn't judge others, but it was so hard.
It also doesn't help that this particular colleague has been getting on my nerves. One of my students won a competition the other day and she was trying to take the credit by saying how much work she did with him in grade one. It really hurt my feelings since I've done a lot of work with him too!
Oh God, please give me more patience. I seem to be lacking.
I am also having a very hard time with my colleague's new pregnancy. Every day I see her, and we see one another a lot, I feel pangs of jealousy. I want so badly for a baby to grow in my womb. Haven't I been waiting long enough?
Lord, I am pleading with you for a break. IF has been a heavier than usual weight on my shoulders. I feel like you keep providing more answers, but it doesn't make it easier.
I feel so forgotten right now, Lord. I wish that I didn't, but I do.
Love,
JellyBelly
p.s. I attended my school's Confirmation this evening and the Bishop's words really stuck in my head. He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course) that watching the young people of my school receive such an important sacrament is a reminder for us (the congregation) to become closer to Christ and remember our Confirmation. I remember my Confirmation night so clearly -- particularly because I was afraid that I was going to start speaking in tongues when I got anointed with the chrism! I'm holding fast to this cross Lord, but please be merciful on my impatient heart!
16 May 2011
Random Monday Night Thoughts
1) First off, thank you all for your comments on my last post (yes, even the ones that were eaten up and erased forever by Blogger). The nurses at the PPVI are going to call tomorrow afternoon and hopefully Mr. JB can talk to them to arrange a surgery date. As soon as we get a date, I can let my Napro doctor know and she can send in that paperwork!
2) I was overcome with gratitude when I read Tishi's comments about having a fundraiser for my surgery if my provincial health insurance doesn't cover my surgery. Part of me would feel guilty to raise money, but it would make things so much easier! I've also decided to write my local politicians to ask for their help. This is an election year and our local MPP and our newly elected MP are also Catholic, so who knows? It could only help, right?
3) I've been so torn about what to do with our adoption plans. My heart is really set on international adoption, but there is no way we could do a surgery in the US and adopt from Asia. I feel like we are really called to adopt a baby from close to where my family is from. I wish that it wasn't so important for me to have a child that looks somewhat like me, but it does.
4) It looks like my brother-in-law is heading to East Africa next year. He's almost done his studies in Rome and then he will be in Boston for a short while and then he'll be in Africa for a year. He floated the idea of being in Ethiopia. My first thought was, "Maybe he could find us a baby to adopt!" I was hoping that he would end up in the Philippines so my family could take care of him, but alas that doesn't look like it's going to happen.
5) School is ridiculously busy. I feel like I haven't stopped in weeks! I have a couple of students that have been acting really strange lately. I've had to pray for patience more than once, and I'd appreciate a couple prayers that I can stay patient. I don't like to raise my voice, but sometimes it's unavoidable (particularly when they're doing things that aren't safe!). I suspect that one of the kids is somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I know that his mother is not prepared to deal with a diagnosis like that!
6) A really nice house came on the market and Mr. JB and I decided that we were going to pass. I think that we need to focus our money on getting me healthier and growing our family. We're not going to stop looking, but I know in my heart that this is not the right time to be house hunting.
7) I've been so exhausted. I think that my body (and particularly my liver) have been working overtime! On top of all of my vitamins and liquid herbs, I'm taking E.strace, Met.formin (which is going so much better), HCG, and LDN. I've been waking up with a headache since starting E.strace post-Peak. It also doesn't help that it's cold and rainy. Yuck.
8) I have to get my Peak +7 blood work done tomorrow. Again, yuck.
9) I have a cyst on the bottom of my middle toe on my left foot. I went to my GP (yes, the one that I can't stand) and she's going to send me to a foot specialist. Not fun. I hope that it can removed in a doctor's office. The last thing I want is to be under anaesthesia again!
10) I've been having problems with my jaw again. My RMT and my chiropractor have been working on it for months! I asked my chiropractor if she thought that an osteopath would work (she doesn't, but she thinks that it would help my IF). I think that I may need a hypnotist since all of my jaw issues are subconscious. I see my dentist in July so hopefully he has some ideas. Do any of you have any experience with hypnotists? I'm serious here.
I need to get to bed and say my novenas!!!
p.s. This is my 504th post! So crazy!
2) I was overcome with gratitude when I read Tishi's comments about having a fundraiser for my surgery if my provincial health insurance doesn't cover my surgery. Part of me would feel guilty to raise money, but it would make things so much easier! I've also decided to write my local politicians to ask for their help. This is an election year and our local MPP and our newly elected MP are also Catholic, so who knows? It could only help, right?
3) I've been so torn about what to do with our adoption plans. My heart is really set on international adoption, but there is no way we could do a surgery in the US and adopt from Asia. I feel like we are really called to adopt a baby from close to where my family is from. I wish that it wasn't so important for me to have a child that looks somewhat like me, but it does.
4) It looks like my brother-in-law is heading to East Africa next year. He's almost done his studies in Rome and then he will be in Boston for a short while and then he'll be in Africa for a year. He floated the idea of being in Ethiopia. My first thought was, "Maybe he could find us a baby to adopt!" I was hoping that he would end up in the Philippines so my family could take care of him, but alas that doesn't look like it's going to happen.
5) School is ridiculously busy. I feel like I haven't stopped in weeks! I have a couple of students that have been acting really strange lately. I've had to pray for patience more than once, and I'd appreciate a couple prayers that I can stay patient. I don't like to raise my voice, but sometimes it's unavoidable (particularly when they're doing things that aren't safe!). I suspect that one of the kids is somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I know that his mother is not prepared to deal with a diagnosis like that!
6) A really nice house came on the market and Mr. JB and I decided that we were going to pass. I think that we need to focus our money on getting me healthier and growing our family. We're not going to stop looking, but I know in my heart that this is not the right time to be house hunting.
7) I've been so exhausted. I think that my body (and particularly my liver) have been working overtime! On top of all of my vitamins and liquid herbs, I'm taking E.strace, Met.formin (which is going so much better), HCG, and LDN. I've been waking up with a headache since starting E.strace post-Peak. It also doesn't help that it's cold and rainy. Yuck.
8) I have to get my Peak +7 blood work done tomorrow. Again, yuck.
9) I have a cyst on the bottom of my middle toe on my left foot. I went to my GP (yes, the one that I can't stand) and she's going to send me to a foot specialist. Not fun. I hope that it can removed in a doctor's office. The last thing I want is to be under anaesthesia again!
10) I've been having problems with my jaw again. My RMT and my chiropractor have been working on it for months! I asked my chiropractor if she thought that an osteopath would work (she doesn't, but she thinks that it would help my IF). I think that I may need a hypnotist since all of my jaw issues are subconscious. I see my dentist in July so hopefully he has some ideas. Do any of you have any experience with hypnotists? I'm serious here.
I need to get to bed and say my novenas!!!
p.s. This is my 504th post! So crazy!
11 May 2011
Calling Omaha
In the midst of all of the feel-me-sorries and getting used to my new diet (as I type this I have been gorging on the most tasty gluten-free popped corn chips, not low GI at all, but I just need to eat them!) I completely forgot that I got a letter from the Pope Paul VI Institute!
For those of you that are not in the loop, my Canadian Napro doctor is trying to get my provincial health care to pay for my surgery in Omaha. She sent my file to Omaha for Dr. Hilgers to review and I received a copy of the review a few weeks ago.
So these are Dr. H's recommendations:
"She should have a thorough hormone evaluation of her menstrual cycle (without medications), a thyroid system dysfunction panel, an ultrasound series to determine whether there is an ovulation-related defect, and a diagnostic laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and selective hysterosalpingogram, as well as, possible dilation and curettage (D&C) and endometrial cultures. I do realize that she has had a laparotomy in the past for endometriosis, pelvic adhesions, and uterine fibroids; however, given that she experienced a pelvic infection postoperatively, there is a high likelihood of discovering pelvic adhesions in addition to possible recurrence of endometriosis lesions or a persistant endometrioma based on the postoperative diagnostic CT imaging."
He also continued to say that I would need to stay in Omaha for 7 to 10 days to complete everything.
Holy moly!
My Napro doctor said that when I received the letter that I would have to call Omaha to get a tentative surgery date, which I did when I got home from school. I spoke to a very friendly nurse on the phone and I was told that I would be phoned next Tuesday to schedule.
I have no idea whether my provincial health care will pay for my procedure. Dr. Nora, my naturopath extraordinaire thinks that it would be very good PR for the government to fund my surgery as an alternative to ART. I never thought of myself as a public spokeswoman for Catholic IF, but if it's going to get my ladyparts cleaned up, I will have to do it.
I hope that the powers that be will be sympathetic to my poor barren self. We could find the funds to pay for surgery, but it would be so wonderful for someone else to do it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Update of my weirdo bleeding: It hasn't subsided, but hasn't gotten any heavier. It seems to be the same timing as the bleeding that happened November, although so much lighter. Unfortunately it's definitely been more brown than anything. [sigh]
Can't an IF girl get a break????
For those of you that are not in the loop, my Canadian Napro doctor is trying to get my provincial health care to pay for my surgery in Omaha. She sent my file to Omaha for Dr. Hilgers to review and I received a copy of the review a few weeks ago.
So these are Dr. H's recommendations:
"She should have a thorough hormone evaluation of her menstrual cycle (without medications), a thyroid system dysfunction panel, an ultrasound series to determine whether there is an ovulation-related defect, and a diagnostic laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and selective hysterosalpingogram, as well as, possible dilation and curettage (D&C) and endometrial cultures. I do realize that she has had a laparotomy in the past for endometriosis, pelvic adhesions, and uterine fibroids; however, given that she experienced a pelvic infection postoperatively, there is a high likelihood of discovering pelvic adhesions in addition to possible recurrence of endometriosis lesions or a persistant endometrioma based on the postoperative diagnostic CT imaging."
He also continued to say that I would need to stay in Omaha for 7 to 10 days to complete everything.
Holy moly!
My Napro doctor said that when I received the letter that I would have to call Omaha to get a tentative surgery date, which I did when I got home from school. I spoke to a very friendly nurse on the phone and I was told that I would be phoned next Tuesday to schedule.
I have no idea whether my provincial health care will pay for my procedure. Dr. Nora, my naturopath extraordinaire thinks that it would be very good PR for the government to fund my surgery as an alternative to ART. I never thought of myself as a public spokeswoman for Catholic IF, but if it's going to get my ladyparts cleaned up, I will have to do it.
I hope that the powers that be will be sympathetic to my poor barren self. We could find the funds to pay for surgery, but it would be so wonderful for someone else to do it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Update of my weirdo bleeding: It hasn't subsided, but hasn't gotten any heavier. It seems to be the same timing as the bleeding that happened November, although so much lighter. Unfortunately it's definitely been more brown than anything. [sigh]
Can't an IF girl get a break????
10 May 2011
The mystery that is my body --- HELP!!!
So I believed that after my last blood draw that things were improving.
Oh, how my body likes to surprise me.
At the end of the day I started spotting. It's CD18 and if I am following the same pattern as last month, today should be my Peak day.
I did have strange bleeding in November 2010 and Dr. Nora figures that it was because of low hormones.
Now I have no idea what to think.
So my friends, does anyone have any insight? advice? a padded room that I can retreat to?
Oh, how my body likes to surprise me.
At the end of the day I started spotting. It's CD18 and if I am following the same pattern as last month, today should be my Peak day.
I did have strange bleeding in November 2010 and Dr. Nora figures that it was because of low hormones.
Now I have no idea what to think.
So my friends, does anyone have any insight? advice? a padded room that I can retreat to?
9 May 2011
Spring Fever
The sunshine totally lifted my spirits today.
I'm so tired of seeing all of the depressing blog posts so I thought I would post about something that wasn't so sad.
I know that this is a TTC blog and that it is pretty obvious what activities one has to engage in to help facilitate conception.
Do you know where I'm going here?
Well, for the past week I've been feeling a lot more randy (I just made sure that the definition was correct on dictionary.com, and yes if you check it out, I do mean the first definition).
I have to admit that after almost six years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby that my libido isn't always at its peak. Anyone that has gone through IF knows how much of a trial it can be to even want to engage in marital relations. I assume that it's my normalizing hormones coupled with all of the amazing herbs, tinctures and vitamins that my naturopath has me on as well as the arrival of warmer weather.
Mr. JB is thrilled, to say the least!
Anyone have any insight into this latest development?
I'm so tired of seeing all of the depressing blog posts so I thought I would post about something that wasn't so sad.
I know that this is a TTC blog and that it is pretty obvious what activities one has to engage in to help facilitate conception.
Do you know where I'm going here?
Well, for the past week I've been feeling a lot more randy (I just made sure that the definition was correct on dictionary.com, and yes if you check it out, I do mean the first definition).
I have to admit that after almost six years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby that my libido isn't always at its peak. Anyone that has gone through IF knows how much of a trial it can be to even want to engage in marital relations. I assume that it's my normalizing hormones coupled with all of the amazing herbs, tinctures and vitamins that my naturopath has me on as well as the arrival of warmer weather.
Mr. JB is thrilled, to say the least!
Anyone have any insight into this latest development?
Thank God...
...that it's a new day.
And that it's sunny.
And that I don't have to hear "Happy Mother's Day" or be wished it in error (it only happened once, but it still stung).
I survived without tears.
Lord, please help me be a mother next year.
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