In-car Catharsis

First off, my Napro-trained naturopath is a total rock star. Not literally a rock star, but she is nonetheless awesome. Not only is she helping my wonky-ass hormones get on track, but she's doubled as an amazing therapist and cheerleader (I guess, that means she's a triple threat, if you're counting).

During our visit today Dr. Nora and I discussed letting go. She described my speaking style (which isn't the case in my "real", non-IF related life) as halting. And that's when I told her that I try so hard to hold it together, particularly in the face of those that know about my IF struggles. It isn't a surprise after five an a half years of monthly disappointment that I am upset. Heck, I am p*ssed off. Royally.

That's when Dr. Nora told me that it's okay to be angry at God.

"Whoa. That's nuts!" I told her. "I didn't know that I could be angry at the Lord!"

And that's when she quoted something very eloquently from the Bible (but because I have a strange memory I can't recall what the passage was), but the gist of what she was trying to tell me was that it was okay to be angry at God. Apparently He likes it when we're not being tepid followers. My anger is a signal to heaven that I am engaged in my faith and that I'm being an active participant.

A novel idea that I need time to wrap my head around. I've always thought that I was supposed to be obedient, at all times.

So there Lord, I'm angry. I'm p*ssed off. I'm so engaged in my faith that I am Greco-Roman wrestling with it on the floor. And I have no idea who is winning.

I also told Dr. Nora that I have a daily struggle with surrender and trust. As a type-A infertile who is obsessively task and list-oriented, it kills me that I can't check off "get pregnant" from my spiritual to-do list. My body is seemingly doing the right thing, my chart looks FABULOUS, I even have three "battle" scars from my surgeries, but I have NOTHING to show for it (well, except for a vast network of IF women and a fruitful blog, but please don't take this the wrong way, but I wish that I didn't know all of you, instead I wish that we all wrote tired mommy blogs).

The wisest advice that I gleaned today was that I need to be able to let go. I am so afraid of letting tears or anger come. I fear so much that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop. I give myself a few minutes here and there, but I haven't had a full-on cry in a LONG time. So of course, as I was driving home I broke down. I cried huge, ugly tears pretty much to my front door. I did feel better, but I know that there's more where they came from.

So before I get too deep or stop making sense I'm going to pour myself another glass of wine. I think that I've had a few too many revelations for a Monday night!