Staying Calm, Either Way

The spotting still hasn't stopped, but it's definitely more brown (and sorry if this is TMI, but this is an IF blog, right?) and mucous-y rather than full flow. I've been feeling cramping in my lower abdomen since the spotting started which is pretty normal for me at the start of AF.

While we were at the restaurant I went to the bathroom at least three times to check. I know that it had to do with the amount of water I was drinking, but I wanted to see if the spotting was getting worse. It was particularly tough to be sitting with my cousin, his wife and their daughter. They got pregnant "by accident" soon after they're wedding at city hall (yes, they're both cradle Catholics, but they had bought a house and their parents didn't want them to live "in sin"). Yes, I'm bitter.

It's so tough to have to pretend that everything is fine and that nothing is wrong. All I wanted to do when I saw the first signs of spotting was cry in bed. Perhaps it was a good thing that I had the distraction of my family, I don't know. I know that crying about what is happening or what could've been is not a very fruitful way to spend my time.

So I've made the decision that if the spotting doesn't increase (i.e. if I don't have CD1-like bleeding by the morning) I will have my Peak +17 blood work done in the morning. Since my period restarted post-Lu.pron, my period experience has been pretty consistent -- spotting for a few hours then light flow for the first day then moving to medium flow for the second. I have been spotting WAY longer than I have been in the past four cycles, if I followed the same pattern I should be seeing red by now.

I know that I'm dissecting every, tiny thing, but I have NEVER seen anything resembling a positive pg test in almost FIVE YEARS of TTC.

Btw, Sew, I lied this afternoon. I have gotten a negative pg test on Peak +15 on HCG. The first time I made it to Peak +15 I got all excited (this was before my first surgery which I find really funny now, like I could've gotten pg with that mess inside of me!) so I bought a dollar store test. That night I got my period.

My boobs are still extremely sore and I'm still exhausted, those are the only other symptoms besides the faint, faint second line I saw this afternoon.

I guess after all of this time I shouldn't have thought that the actual experience of getting a positive pg test would be 100% happy. This seems to be yet another trial that Mr. JB and I have to endure. I wish that I could have the faith and calm that Mr. JB has because he has been absolutely unflappable today.

We'll be okay either way, I know it. And don't worry, I will keep you all posted! If I don't Sew and This Cross I Embrace are going to head up here to Canada and take me down!

p.s. Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement today. If it wasn't for all of you I would've lost it more than once! Thank God for all of you!