New Attitude

I got my hair cut REALLY short yesterday. For those of you that have met me IRL I had quite long hair up until last July. It has gotten progressively shorter with every passing hair cut and yesterday I gave my hair dresser carte blanche. He was so excited to give me this hair cut! Apparently the night before he watched A.eon F.lux and the character that Cha.rlize The.ron played had a very similar hair style. He also told me that when he first met me three years ago that he wanted to give me a similar cut but I wasn't ready. It will be interesting to see how a short hair style and a Canadian winter will mix, but I have a vast scarf collection to protect my neck!

So I was flying solo this weekend. Mr. JB was visiting his brother in M.ontreal with his best friend. We've had quite a busy fall so I was looking forward to having some time to myself. I'm so glad that we had good news this past week because I didn't want to spend my weekend alone being all sad and mopey.

Friday night I went to our parish to play trivia. We have a local food bank/outreach centre that our parish supports and one of the fundraising things we do is have a monthly trivia match. Our pastor is usually on my team but he joined the game late so I was on the same team as our associate pastor. We had a great time and came in second. I was so flattered that Fr. S said that he was sad that I didn't play with him! Mr. JB was so proud that I knew what age G.ordie H.owe retired at 52. Good thing that I pay attention to hockey trivia around our house!

I ended up sleeping in Saturday morning. It was almost 10am when I got up! I guess I needed the sleep 'cos I slept like the dead. I'm trying really hard not to get sick before Christmas. After my trip to the salon I went grocery shopping at my favourite organic grocery store. I spent so much money on so few items, but none of it is going to waste. I made a yummy stew in our crock pot (with organic beef) and a delicious fennel and beet salad. After grocery shopping I checked out my favourite craft show in the city. I had a great time looking around and buying a few Christmas presents. I was really good and I only bought two hair clips for myself. I figure with a new hair style that I deserved something cute!

I don't know if I'm giving off positive energy, but a whole bunch of cool things have happened to me since Thursday. When I parked my car near the salon yesterday I went to pay for my spot and a lady gave me her ticket that hadn't expired yet. I didn't have to pay anything to park! Then as I walked to the salon I stopped to look at some sweaters outside a little shop and a guy walking by said that the sweater I was looking at would look good on me (he wasn't being creepy or flirty, he was just being nice). Then at the salon I got a whole bunch of compliments for this funny pickle pin (FJIEJ I got it at the H.einz store in G.rove C.ity!) that I wear on my down vest. I've also noticed that everyone around me is being so nice to me!

For the first time since my first surgery in April I finally feel like I have my mojo back. I have energy to do things around my house again. I made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, did all of the laundry AND hand washing all by myself! It isn't something that I would've thought a big deal, but I haven't had the gumption to do much in so long. There are still quite a few projects that I have to tackle around the house, but I can actually picture myself completing in the near future. I'm glad that my energy is returning at such busy time. Next weekend marks the start of the official Christmas visiting season for us. We have a big family Christmas party with Mr. JB's family next Saturday and my in-laws and BIL will be staying with us. I have to get the guest room livable before they get here.

I think that it's fitting that today is the start of Advent. I feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time. I also have so much to be thankful for. I have spent so many months feeling sick and sad. I know now that my negative attitude was contributing to an already bad situation. I have no idea how long I can keep feeling positive. I'm trying to imagine that if I do get a BFN at the end of this cycle that I would be okay. I'd also like to imagine that next weekend when faced with a room full of babies, kids and a pregnant woman that I will be okay.

We finally have a fighting chance to get pg. It's like starting over. I have to stop worrying about being four years older than I was when we started. We were put on this journey for a reason. Perhaps if we had kids right away that our marriage wouldn't be as solid as it is today. I also know that we would've had a lot more money issues if I had gotten pg right after we got married.
We wouldn't have gone on all of the trips that we've gone on. I probably wouldn't get teaching grade one if we had kids right away.

I never thought that I would say this but a big part of me is thankful for my infertility. I don't know if we will have our own biological children, but I know now that I'm healthy. I no longer have endometriosis causing horrible cramps and strange bleeding. I also have a wonderful team of doctors that are finally taking proper care of me. And most of all, I have met all of you. Two years ago when I started this blog I felt so alone, but now I have a whole sisterhood of women that I can turn to for support. And for all of you I will be forever grateful.

Testing *Updated with GOOD news!

No, not POAS!

I have another ultrasound this afternoon. I have no idea if the abscess is smaller or not. I believe that it is, but who knows.

I see my surgeon after the u/s with the results (that I peeked at the last time!).

I'm thinking positively. I'm imagining that the abscess is smaller. I'm imagining that I will be able to stop the antibiotics.

I'll update this evening.

Let's hope and pray that I will have good news to share.

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends!!!!!

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I'm still shaking from the news.

I'm abscess free.

Praise God, Mary, Jesus and all of the saints and angels in heaven!!!!

I started to freak out when the technician was doing my scan because she said that she found cysts.

I had cysts before my laparotomy. They were removed with all of the other endo, fibroids and adhesions.

I spent a good 20 minutes freaking out. Silently, but freaking out nevertheless.

The ultrasound place is just a few doors up from my surgeon so as soon as I got the report from the technician I booted it up the street.

I was close to tears but I was trying to hold it in because I didn't think that the people of T.oronto needed to see me crying.

So I got to the office and I was the third or fourth patient in line and Dr. I waved me in. I was confused since I was so obviously queue jumping but he said, "You're my last patient, come in. Give me your health card and I'll get your chart."

By this point my head was spinning. He couldn't find my chart (not a surprise since his office is a organizational disaster!) but he said that it was okay and opened up the report I had.

He asked me when my period had started and how I was feeling. I told him November 13th and that I was feeling good but I was concerned about the abscess and that the tech had mentioned cysts.

He read over the report again and said, "The hemorrhagic cyst just shows that you just ovulated. You're on day 14, right?" I checked my chart and 'lo and behold I am!

Then he said, "The abscess is gone. Look here," and he pointed to the report, "the technician didn't see it."

I almost started to cry a second time, but this time tears of relief.

Then Dr. I said, "Promise me now that you're going to try really hard." Meaning, TTC I'm assuming.

And then I asked him when I would see him next and he said three months if we weren't pregnant yet.

I almost ran back to my car which was quite a feat since I was on the seventh floor of a parking garage. I got Mr. JB on the phone and just started to bawl. I tried to call my fertile best friend but she was no where to be found, I tried calling Sew but she wasn't available and so I called My Reality 'cos I remembered that she was home. (Thanks Reality! I'm so glad that you were around!!! I really needed a live human that understands what I'm going through!).

And the luck continues: the traffic wasn't too bad and I had time to get a celebratory S.tarbucks, go to the pharmacy to drop off my vaginal progesterone prescription, and change for yoga at home!

I'm thinking that my "project think positive" is working!!!!

I know that I'm not American, but I'm incredibly thankful right now that I wish that I had a turkey dinner in front of me!!!!

WOOHOO!!!!

Mini-rant

Still thinking positively, but it's been hard.

Just wanted to say that organizing a bunch of teachers for a Christmas party is a thankless job. 

Not only do I work for a bunch of really boring people, but they're also cheap. 

That's all.

Gotta teach math now.

Taking a breath

I really should be correcting my report cards. They're sitting right in front of me, but blogging is so much more rewarding.

I'm going to try an experiment. 

I have no idea if it is going to work, but I need to try.

I'm going to think positively. 

That's it. 

I have too many negative people around me. Instead of commiserating with them I will try to reroute the conversation to something more positive or I will try to get out of it (I'm pretty good at being passive-aggressive). 

I am also going to try and focus on what I have, not what I don't. 

Let's see:

- I have a job that I love and am well-compensated for

- I have a lovely home 

- I have a loving, supportive husband,

- I have many supportive friends

- I am mostly healthy

That's a start. 

I can see what a negative attitude can do to a person (i.e. my new teaching partner who's attitude is that EVERYTHING is horrible and that everyone is out to get her). I do not want to be that person.

Let's see how long this lasts.

p.s. Please pray for my friend's mom. She was just diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis doesn't look good. She's going to see a top-notch specialist in the city in the next week or so. This news has come completely out of the blue and the family are quite devastated. 

There is no f&*^ing justice

Honest to God, there isn't any justice.

At all.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who has no clue how to navigate around my infertility. She told me that my oldest friend (who was my matron of honour) is pregnant.

She told me that under no circumstances that her husband didn't want any more children. She also said that she didn't want anymore as well.

They couldn't afford another child (they have a HUGE house in the suburbs that is barely furnished because they don't have the money).

So she got an IUD. I tried to talk her out of it, but she felt that it was the only way for her to make sure that she didn't have any more children. I think that she was afraid that her husband would leave her if she got pregnant again, despite wanting more herself.

Have I also mentioned that her marriage has had quite a few bumps. They got married at city hall and when my friend wanted to have a church wedding her husband left her. Obviously they patched things up, but I know that there have been many disagreements. Although their daughter was baptised, their marriage hasn't been blessed.

So apparently her daughter (who is also my goddaughter) was pestering her for a little brother or sister, and lo and behold she gets pregnant.

I just feel so horrible.

Not only has she not called me to tell me, my mother went on and on about how you could see that she was pregnant and that it was time for them to have a second baby.

I'm fed up.

I'm tired of feeling jealous.

My infertility has completely exhausted me.

I feel like I haven't felt real joy in so long.

I wish that I could blame all of this on a lack of hormones.

My whole body feels heavy.

We're going to see the S.ound of M.usic tonight and I was so excited. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.

I'm so done. So absolutely done.

p.s. I also found out that one of my old colleagues is pregnant with her second. I'm so glad that I left that staff. I can't handle seeing baby bumps at all.

Thoughts on vocation

I was one of those forever students. 

I did my B.A.

Then my Honours.

Then my M.A.

And then finally my B. Ed. 

I would love to finish off my Ph. D (which I started, but abandoned for my Education degree, that's another long story) or even start another M.A., but my student loans are even close to being paid off and I'd really like to move and get a nicer car one day in my future. 

One of the reasons why I did so much school was because I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 

I toyed with the idea of being a journalist, an academic, a writer but none of them stuck. 

Teaching was the first thing that I did that felt right. 

The first class I taught was to some first year students. I felt like the clouds opened and that the angels started singing. I knew at that moment that I was meant to be a teacher.

Now I'm thinking because I feel so much love for this class, that perhaps that is all I'm meant to do.

Teach and love other peoples' children.

Perhaps that is what God and the universe is trying to teach me.

I don't know what kind of mother I would be if I had to teach full time. 

I don't know what kind of teacher I would be if I was a mother.

I invest so much time and energy into my work. I love (almost) every minute of it. I don't think I could put in the same effort if I had a family of my own.

Am I thinking this way because we will soon be TTC again? Am I trying to protect my heart from all of the heartache that preceded my drug-induced break? 

What I do know is that I'm scared. I also know that my heart and my head can't take much more disappointment. 

I do know that if given the chance I would give my career up in a second, with no regrets, no looking back. 

I want to have that choice. 

I really do. 

Overwhelmed

I don't usually get overwhelmed.

I'm a really good task manager, but with the arrival of AF, report cards and trying desperately to re-teach things to children that were absent (yes, my class got hit with H1N1) I haven't had the time to take a breath. 

My report cards are due on Monday and I haven't even finished teaching one of my math units. 

"But JellyBelly, you teach grade one, it should be easy to assess grade ones, right?"

Yes and no. 

The community I teach in is very involved with their children's education and I need empirical proof as to why I gave them the mark on their report card. In my teacher mind I know what they deserve, but I need a rubric to prove it.

Argh.

It also doesn't help that my cramps have been really bad the past couple of days and I've had to pump myself full of extra strength A.dvil. The cramps even woke me up at 4am!

It gets better right? 

I'm feeling most of the cramping on my right side and in my pelvis. Not surprising since my right side had so many adhesions and there's my friend the abscess in my posterior cul de sac.

I need a vacation. Or at least a mental health day.

Who would've thought that I would be looking forward to taking next Thursday off for an ultrasound????

A familiar feeling

So I have cramps.

Not the debilitating have to lie in bed with my heating pad, but cramps nonetheless. I've taken some A.dvil and it's taken the edge off, and it was half my usual, pre-surgery dose. I haven't had to drug myself every four to six hours.

Completely unheard of in my history of period pain management.

I guess that I expected some sort of cramping since my ladyparts have been in deep slumber for six months. It was quite unrealistic that I would get my period and feel absolutely nothing. Right?

It also doesn't help that I have a yeast infection and I have to wear a pad.

Sorry, TMI.

So all of you endo surgery survivors, how did your first period feel post-surgery? Does it get better?

Btw, we're jumping back on the TTC train. I'm getting my FSH levels checked tomorrow since my day three fell on a Sunday and our lab was closed. I'm hoping the eggies are doing okay, they've had a good long rest so hopefully they cooperate!

Hello old friend....

She's here.

Well, at least I saw dark brown this morning.

Definitely deserves a sticker on my chart (yes, TCIE & FJIEF I am officially back to charting!!!).

I hooted when I went to the bathroom this morning.

My noisy new neighbours must think I'm nuts, but who cares?

No cramps, although I took some A.dvil this morning as soon as I saw that my period was starting.

I don't remember ever being cramp-free.

Ever.

Btw, I've been feeling so down because I had convinced myself that I had Premature Ovarian Failure and that I had no more eggs and that I was definitely barren. I didn't blog about it because I felt a little crazy. So I'm feeling so much relief.

Today I was at an all day religious business-related meeting. I sang in the choir (which is one of my favourite things to do). As I sat listening to the mass the light was shining through the stained glass windows and I knew it was a sign. I've been asking for a sign from above for a LONG time.

My hope is renewed.

It isn't a coincidence that my meeting was today and that my period started on the same day. It wasn't just another Friday.

Now I can't wait to see what it's going to be like.

Will I have pain? Will I be able to function? Will I need my heating pad for the next week?

Who would have thought that after all these years of infertility that I would be so excited about getting my period!

Irony of ironies, eh?

p.s. Thanks for all of your encouragement in the recent past. I wouldn't have been able to get through the last little while without all of you!

I had a feeling.....

I felt it in my bones this morning.

I'm having a crap day.

I'm stressed because of report cards.

I'm stressed because my teaching partner is stressed out.

I'm stressed because I have to be away tomorrow at a workshop and I have a TON to do with my class to get ready for reports.

I'm also stressed because my best friend (yes the pg one) had H1N1 two weeks ago and she's going ahead with her daughter's birthday this weekend. 

I'm almost wishing that I don't feel well so I can have an excuse to miss it. 

I have to get back to work. My class is watching a movie so I can work on reports not blog! 

Disclaimer

I'm heading into a crazy busy part of the term. I'm trying to mark like a madwoman, catch kids up since so many are away, and start my report cards PLUS recover/cope with the strange virus/abscess that I've been dealing with.

Perhaps a little break from blogland will be good for my head. I've been feeling really low and I have a real bad case of the feel-me-sorries.

Btw, in all things TTC:

- I think that I have a yeast infection, but I still have a month to go on my super-strong antibiotics, I think that I'm going to wait on taking the D.iflucan until the end of the meds
- I had a few dry days (green stickers if I was charting), but I'm back to seeing cloudy CM
- my boobs are a little sore and I'm super cold (which are both commom symptoms of AF's impending arrival)
- the veins in my hands are really dark blue/purple, they get darker as AF gets closer
- my head is all foggy which definitely a PMS symptom, I'm usually really on the ball
- I needed falafel so badly after school that I went out of my way to the organic grocery store, they didn't have any but I got some vegan, gluten-free shortbread

I better go. I have a ton to mark and I'm already falling asleep and it's not even 8pm here!

Are you freaking serious???? Part 2

Just got two more pg announcements.

One on F.aceboo.k.

And a close friend e-mailed Mr. JB that his wife is also expecting. I don't feel as bad for them because they had a few miscarriages before they had their son.

That makes FOUR people in my inner circle that are pg.

1) My best friend
2) Mr. JB's best friend's wife
3) A close friend from university (who was married TWO years after us)
4) Close friend who dealt with IF before having her son

I'm still feeling sickly. I don't think I have a fever, but I'm all achy and exhausted.

When is it going to be my turn??? I'm tired of being the infertile.

Really, really tired.

Are you freaking serious????

Mr. JB just told me that his best friend's wife is pg.

With their second.

Btw, they got married a year after us.

I also feel pretty gross. I have a low-grade fever, yet again, but at least I don't have the pain from yesterday. I should buy stock in A.dvil.

I'm tired of feeling sick.

I'm tired of being childless.

I'm tired of waiting for AF.

Can I please get a break???????

Prayers please! *Updated

I've been in some pretty intense pain on my lower right side. I think that I ate something that disagreed with earlier today and I've taken A.dvil. It's not as bad as it was when Mr. JB took me to the hospital, but it is pretty bad. I can't even eat because the pain is so bad.

I really don't want to go back to the hospital. I really don't want to miss work tomorrow.

I just want a normal life. I hate always being in pain.

Argh.

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I took some A.dvil and T.ylenol at about 9pm and promptly feel asleep. When I woke up as the Y.ankees won the W.orld S.eries the pain was gone.

The pain was definitely digestion-related. Now I have to figure out what I ate to cause so much discomfort...

Thanks for all of your prayers! I don't know what I would do without all of you!

Yoga Retreating and Real Life

I'm still alive. 

I wasn't kidnapped by some chanting yogis last weekend, nor did I run away to an ashram to deepen my practice (although I have considered doing so in the past).

The weekend was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I got to be quiet, reflective and spend time in nature. The fall, although colder, is such a beautiful time of year. I love watching the leaves change. 

The best part of my weekend was that I didn't have to be "Infertile JellyBelly" all weekend long. We talked about our lives, our work, our yoga practice, and most of all food. The food at the retreat was phenomenal! I was more than a little sceptical since I do love to eat meat, but the vegetarian dishes that were prepared for us inspired me to cook! I even bought the cookbook and I can't wait until the weekend so I can pick up the ingredients to some of the dishes that we ate! 

It's been a long time since my body felt strong and healthy. I did take it easy, but I did partake in two hour long hikes in pretty hilly terrain. I also took one nap, but that's to be understood. 

My favourite part of the weekend was Sunday morning. I got up early and I got to practice while the sun was rising. I spent quite a bit of time just sitting on my mat and feeling the sun on my face. I could almost feel the sadness and frustration of the past few months melt away. 

I'm still waking up with a low grade fever and I'm still feeling achy. I've been taking so much A.dvil that I'm glad that I buy it at C.ostco! I really hope that these antibiotics kick in soon. I'm also pretty out of whack because of the time change. One would think that one little hour would be nothing, unfortunately my internal clock is super sensitive.

I wish I could take a nap, but I would have 22 little people who wouldn't be so happy about that!