Twelve boxes

So I'm done. I've packed up my classroom. All of the posters have been packed away and the only thing left on my desk is a couple of pencils and my planning binder. Six years of teaching at my school is now tucked into a storage room until my new classroom is ready for me in August.

I spoke to one of the moms in my class this afternoon. Whenever I get messages from parents in my mailbox I always feel dread. You see, my parents are VERY involved. I get calls for everything. Notes almost every day. Surprise visits are normal. So this afternoon when I saw the green message in my box I felt dread. But as a good, responsible teacher I mustered up the energy to phone.

Little E's mom was concerned that her son wanted to return to his home school. She wanted to know if there had been anything going on in the class. Maybe it was the other kids or someone was bothering him. Then I asked, "Could it be because I'm leaving?" And then she said that she didn't want to come out and say it, but she definitely thought it was.

And then I felt my heart break.

Little E is a great kid. Super energetic, smart, funny, but would drive most teachers crazy. I've managed his boisterous behaviour by making him the kid that collects anything and everything. He delivers messages around the school for me. He gets to stamp my tests and pile things in order for me. He has sat at the front of the room for most of the year, right in front of my main work table. I've joked time and time again that he's going to spend the rest of his life in grade five since he can't sit still and pay attention and he thinks that it's hilarious. We banter about our opposing hockey teams (Mr. JB has brought so much sports knowledge in my life! I totally have street cred with the boys!). And because he likes me (well, his mom has mentioned more than once that she's convinced that he has a crush on me -- how cute!) he listens to me and knows when he's gone too far.

I don't regret my decision to apply for the job that I got. And as I've tried to explain to a room of ten year olds: if I didn't apply for the job I would regret it for the rest of my life. I've tried to explain to them that after six years of doing the same thing I was getting so bored. All of this makes sense to adults, but to kids I'm just leaving.

I really hope that the next two days aren't going to be too painful. I know that the school will be presenting me with my going away gift at an assembly tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I won't dissolve into tears in front of 400 kids.

I'm not good at saying goodbye and I'm definitely not good with change, but I guess I have no choice since I'm definitely not going to unpack all of those boxes.

More questions

So I was right. Mr. JB and I visited my Napro doctor on Friday (who only has walk-in hours in the summer, thus we had a THREE AND A HALF hour wait) and she has given me yet another diagnosis. When we saw her in May she suspected that my 14 day periods were being caused by low progesterone and perhaps a uterine bacteria. Well, the results came in positive. I have ureaplasma (which sounds kinda gross) and she's also decided that she is going to treat me for an endometrial infection although she doesn't want to do a biopsy.

So here I am, with more pills to take. Since I've always been pretty sickly I've had a laundry list of meds. So this is what I have to take to keep me going:

1) Prenatal vitamins
2) 5 mg of Folic Acid (not only am I prevent neural tube defects for my future children, it also helps with Colitis)
3) Sublingual B12 (which apparently helps with the absorption of Folic Acid)
4) An Omega supplement
5) Flovent (for asthma)
6)Flonase (for allergies)
7) Imuran (to treat my Colitis)
8) Singulair (for asthma)
9) Metamucil (for Colitis)
10) Progesterone (in troche form from Peak +3 to +12)

And for the next ten days I'm on 500mg of Clarithromycin and 500mg of Metronidazole as well as some Acidophilis in hopes of not getting a yeast infection (cross your fingers!).

Now, it doesn't always bother me that I have to take so many meds. It's part of my daily routine. Mr. JB even doles out my nighttime pill regimen before we go to bed. But I've been particularly down about having to take antibiotics. Besides being blessed with a body that doesn't work, I also have numerous allergies, including those to various antibiotics. I've been taken to the emergency ward more than once because of adverse reactions to medications. Although I'm free and clear with the new meds, I'm suffering from all of the side effects. I've had a headache, a metallic taste in my mouth, dizziness, and nausea since Friday night -- which is not as bad as hives, cold sweats and delirium (my reaction to sulfa).

Really, I should be happy that my doctor has found something that is treatable that doesn't require invasive surgery. Taking pills is something that I'm used to doing. I'm also glad that my doctor is vigilant about my treatment and that she doesn't want to subject me to painful surgeries. She's also very thoughtful: she decided that since we're travelling most of next month that she's going to start me on my month-long antibiotic run when we return from Europe (which is going to treat the ureaplasma).

But even though I am a rational woman, I'm also frustrated.

I know that it's the end of year and that I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm also very emotional since I'm leaving my school and starting something unfamiliar. So having more meds to take, just seems that much more daunting. I'm also waiting for my teaching partner to finish her portion of our report cards (which are TEN DAYS late at this point, WTF?????) which means that I feel like I can't relax although I've been done since Tuesday.

But like any good soldier in the IF world, I've got to struggle forward and hope that this treatment will bring me that much closer to a baby.

Right?

Spinning my wheels

Although I'm so glad that school is going to be done on the 26th I always feel strangely stressed out at this time of year. I guess this year end is bringing the sadness of leaving my school and my students as well as a move (that hopefully won't be too painful) to an unfamiliar situation, so I think that I have an excuse.

I broke the news to my class that I was leaving this morning and I ended up with kids breaking down and crying for most of the morning. One girl started and then they all seemed to start. I tried to explain to them that it was a good opportunity, but it's hard to reason with ten year olds. You see, I usually teach my class for two years in a row. In our Middle Immersion program that starts in grade five I teach the 5's in the morning and the 6's in the afternoon. The sixes didn't react too badly since I wasn't going to be their teacher anyway. I'm very proud of myself that I didn't cry along with the kiddies (something that I've done more than once), but I guess I should feel good that they were so upset. I really hope that they're nice to the new teacher....

So not only am I procrastinating -- I'm almost finished my report cards, but I just can't seem to compel myself to finish them! -- I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm feeling better with this round of progesterone troches (which I'm definitely getting in a different flavour next month, the "strawberry" flavouring is not tasty at all), but now I'm spotting again. I'm at Peak +9 today (I think 10 DPO, if I have my lingo right) and I was told that the progesterone would make my cycles longer. Alas, two months of progesterone and nothing has changed. Does anyone have any advice? I'm going to see my doc on Friday and hopefully she will have some advice, but I'm also scared that she's going to put me on antibiotics for a uterine infection (when I saw her in May she did a Pap test and my cervix started to bleed and she suspects that I have an infection, although I can't remember what it's called!). I'm just hoping that if I do have to take antibiotics that she can find one that I'm not allergic to since I'm allergic to all of the major ones.

I can't wait until July 11th. I am in serious need of a vacation!
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Update: I just finished my report cards. Let's hope that my teaching partner finds some giddy up so she's done before Friday!!!! AND I also figured our GoogleReader. I think that I've found a way to read my favourite blogs at school! Woohoo!

Suprisingly sad

I'm married to a political junkie, and I married into a family that loves to discuss politics, especially American. So needless to say, I'm quite saddened that Tim Russert has passed away so suddenly.

Mr. JB gets up early every Sunday morning and watches his show Meet the Press religiously before mass every Sunday. He missed last Sunday's episode because he was away with the boys and he watched the podcast so he didn't miss anything. I would have to say that Mr. JB and his brother are his biggest fans (apparently my BIL started to cry when he called Mr. JB with the news). Although I'm already supersaturated with the current presidential campaign, I really enjoyed watching Tim on TV, which says a lot since I tried to avoid watching too much.

It's so sad when someone so talented and dedicated to his work passes away so suddenly.

God bless you Mr. Russert, you will be missed.

Filling time

So now that I know that it won't be all systems go for serious baby-making until the early fall, I've had fun finding things to do.

Now that summer has finally hit (it's been 33 degrees with humidity for three days) and I'm counting down until the end of the school year, I'm feeling pretty good. I've gotten all of my summer clothes out and have put away all of the lined wooly pants. I haven't worn socks in over two weeks AND my eco-grass is finally sprouting. I may even get around to planting flowers to keep my perennials company.

My favourite thing about the summer is our local dragon boat festival. I've always loved rowing, or paddling as the die-hards call it. Being on the water is my favourite thing in the world. Although I love yoga and it is an absolutely necessity to keep me sane, there is nothing like the joy that I feel when I'm paddling. We had our first practice with my team last week and we had our second and final practice yesterday. My muscles are quite sore, but I can't wait until the race on the 15th. Last year my team won a gold medal -- my first ever! If we ever won the lottery one of my first purchases would be my very own kayak, but I think that I'm going to have to settle for my own life jacket this year!

So I'm feeling at peace, for the first time since TTC. And I like it.

Let's hope that it lasts.

And then there were fifty

When I started my blog in the early days of January, I had absolutely no foresight as to where it was going -- something that is totally unlike my type-A, planner-o-holic self. Perhaps I was hoping that I would miraculously find myself pregnant, or perhaps I thought that I would find solace or perhaps I would find answers as to why I could not get knocked up.

So six months later, I haven't succeeded in getting knocked up, although I have a much clearer idea as to why (stupid progesterone!), but I have found many wonderful women that have supportive me through, many, many low points. I have hit rock bottom more than once and felt that I was never, ever, going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have gotten through it.

If it wasn't for my blog, I wouldn't have found my wonderful NaproTechnology doctor who has finally listened to me. From early on in my struggle to get pregnant I knew (from obsessively reading info on Google and taking every book out of the public library) that I had an issue with my progesterone levels. I had three different doctors tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and that unexplained infertility was a common diagnosis. I endured painful tests and the dildocam way too many times. I felt as though I was just a set of malfunctioning reproductive organs with no feelings or concerns or even opinions that counted. I know that it wasn't a coincidence that I came upon Blogger and yet another sister in struggle found me and gave me the information that I needed.

I do not believe in coincidences.

Although life has gotten in the way of regular posting, I always knew (and know) that as soon as I log into my account, that I had somewhere to go where people understood how hard it is to be barren. And thank God for that.

So on this, my fiftieth blog-niversary, I have found myself at a good place. Finally.

I know that am so lucky to have finally found an answer, and although the progesterone I good for eight days made me feel like a truck had run over me, I know that it is going to lead me to my baby. I didn't have to compromise my beliefs and personal ethics in order to get me closer to my goal.

Good things have happened, despite all of the cold and darkness: I got a new job (woohoo!), I've met wonderful, supportive friends that understand exactly what I'm going through, I've planned and booked an awesome European vacation for July. Most of all, I didn't drive a gigantic barren wedge between myself and Mr. JB. It's amazing what words on a website can do!

So as I wait for my NaproTechnology doc to give me the green light for optimal conception time (hopefully in time for a fourteen month maternity leave!), I'm going to have to find a new focus for my little space in the bloggosphere. So stay tuned for a much happier, positive space. I know that the next month is not going to be free of sadness. I know that leaving my very first school to move onto the next phase of my career is going to be difficult (I am dreading telling my students. I already had a breakdown when I read my job posting!). But as I look at the calendar I can count the number of days until summer vacation, and most of all, I can say, "Next month, I'm going to Europe!"

So gentle readers, perhaps I'm on my way to being less frustrated, perhaps not. I just hope that I have some help blowing out my fifty candles!

Tagged! JB, the negligent

I just remembered that allyouwhohope tagged me a LONG time ago. I'm going to blame my negligence on the progesterone I was taking until last night. My body finally feels like it belongs to me again and I have the energy to function like a normal human being! Woohoo!

So here I go:

1. Why did you start your blog?
I started my blog because I couldn't face another year being barren. It's my outlet. Although I haven't been posting regularly (I'm blaming that on the end of the year madness) I always feel better after posting.

2. How did you come up with your blog name?
I just started typing and it sounded right. I really didn't put a lot of thought into it, but I think that, although it's wordy, it just fits.

3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?
Nope and nope. Although I think that I'm going to have to tell my hubby since I'm taking the laptop on our European vacation so I can blog while away. My family is nuts and doesn't really know what we're IF (although if they could put two and two together they would figure it out! We're conservative Catholics so it's not like we've ever used birth control!).

I sometimes think that I'm going to "come out" via my blog, but I'm not courageous enough to do so just yet.

4. How do you write posts?
Whatever comes to mind and then I edit afterwards. I'm pretty good at putting my ideas onto computer screen really quickly -- I have to do everything quickly since I'm an elementary school teacher.

5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?
Not yet, but I'm sure it will happen eventually...

6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?
The way that I look at my life in the bloggosphere I like the randomness of finding other bloggers. I've found some good friends just by sheer luck and that's how I want to keep it. I think it's too much pressure to increase readership -- that would seem like too much of a job, and I have a job already. Blogging is supposed to be a positive outlet, and not a work-making activity.

So I'm not going to tag anyone. I always feel guilty when I tag people. So if you want to answer the questions, feel free, if not, it doesn't make a difference!

Flipping the bird

I don't usually have a filthy mouth, but in the past (almost) three years of TTC my patience level is definitely on the low side. I was a very sheltered kid. I didn't know what the f word was until I was fourteen (I know, it's pretty unbelievable, but it's true). Every year for Lent I give up swearing and I find it very liberating to use other words to describe my frustration. Mr. JB and his priest brother have a very bad habit of swearing (It was the strangest thing to hear my BIL curse the first time, I honestly didn't think that clergy swore! Was I ever wrong!!).

I've been lying low since Mother's Day for a myriad of reasons. I've been crazy busy with school (not that I've been doing much work at at all) and by May I'm almost completely brain dead. Regardless of how many good hours of sleep that I get I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning (I'm usually a 7 hours and done type of girl, so I know that I'm low on motivation). It also hasn't helped that I've been taking progesterone for the past week and a half and it's absolutely drained me of any energy that I had.

Speaking of my progesterone protocol: we saw our NaproTechnology doctor on the 15th and she said that aside from my low progesterone levels in my luteal phase, I'm reproductively healthy. I'm ovulating (which I knew) in the middle of my cycle, my estrogen levels are good and my uterus is looking good. The only problem is that my progesterone level in my post-ovulatory period (or after my Peak Day for the Creighton model people out there) is 50% lower than it should be. When the doc told us this I was so relieved. I honestly thought that there was going to be something else wrong (I've had three years of imagining worst care scenarios), but my instincts were right.

What gets me is that I have told three doctors that my progesterone level was suspect. My GP brushed me off, the evil doctor at the first clinic said my levels were fine (one blood test is what he took, my current doc had TWO weeks of blood tests to base her findings) and my OB/Gyn said that it was all in my head.

So since my diagnosis I've been oscillating between absolute anger and self-satisfaction. My body has been telling me since we started TTC in July 2005 that my progesterone was off. All of the mid-cycle spotting and the crazy long periods (last month's lasted 14 days, honestly, I should've bought stock in OB!). I'm so glad that I've finally found a doctor that listens to me and actually has a conversation with me like I'm a person, not just a bunch of reproductive organs.

So since May 17th I've been taking progesterone orally. It's a lozenge that is supposed to taste like strawberry, but actually tastes like a bizarre chemical with a strawberry undertone. I dissolve one lozenge twice a day between my gums and cheek. It takes about thirty minutes to dissolve, but it's pretty painless. I've had some minor side effects: my boobs are sore, I'm exhausted and I have so little energy, and I was feeling a lot fewer PMS-related emotions. I took my last dose for this cycle this afternoon, so I'm hoping that I start to feel more like myself soon.

The new doc thinks that by September that we'll be ready to try to get pregnant. Initially I wanted to try again as soon as I started the progesterone, but with the new job I think that I would like to try to have the 14 month maternity leave (the infamous teacher-planned pregnancy -- conceive between October to December to ensure a summer baby so that we have the school year plus the summer off!). I didn't think that after all this time that I would want to put off having a baby, but I really want to finish the year with the new kiddies.

So here I am, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in our journey. I feel in control of my body and I am so happy that my biggest problem was my progesterone level. I see the doc again in August after our trip to France and Spain and I hope that all goes well until then.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I got my new job and not the others that I applied for because I was meant to teach grade one. I found this doctor that finally treated me with dignity and respect because I was meant to find her. This struggle has made me a stronger person and it has also brought me closer to Mr. JB. So really, it hasn't been all bad.

I am also meant to be a mom.

I promised myself that the moment I get my BFP I'm going to send the evil doctor a nice long letter telling him to go f*%^ himself.

I can't wait.

And today's episode is brought to you by....

The letter B!

All week I've been feeling really hostile. I've been incredibly tired and grouchy which I'm going to blame on extreme end of the year exhaustion and not on PMS or just being crazy. It also didn't help that I got a yeast infection. Honestly, I believe that my lady parts are holding a revolt against me. I'm going to blame the invasion of the yeastie beasties on wearing the wrong type of underpants to yoga last week and I'm sticking to it. AND I've also done something to my IT band on my left side so I couldn't go to yoga yesterday or today.

Argh.

But despite all of the anger and hostility the letter B does not stand for bitchy.

When we got home from church this morning Mr. JB's dad called to wish me Happy Mother's Day.

WTF????

Well, really he left a message saying that he had to speak to Mr. JB and the Happy Mother's Day was just a tag-on at the end. He really wanted to mention that he had some gossip to share and that it was too cold to plant flowers at Mr. JB's mom's grave. I realize that at 71 he just wasn't thinking about what he was saying, but come on!

Even before our incredibly frustrating TTC journey Mother's Day has been bittersweet. My mother being the crazy lady that she is has always made the day difficult. It was always easier when I was in a totally different city or even better a totally different country and I could send her something and placate her. But now that I'm a homeowner in generally the same vicinity, I am obligated to play the dutiful daughter and invite her over to our house. Which is a total joke.

My issues with my crazy mother could fill volumes, but since her manipulation surrounding my birthday (see here if you're interested in the lowdown) is still really pissing me off. It took her until the end of March to come over to give me my birthday present (and it took digging in my heals and refusing to go to their house). My birthday is at the end of January. We live in the same city only a twenty minute drive away. She also went to visit my cousin's baby on my birthday instead of coming to see me. She also manipulated us into paying for her plane ticket to the Dominican Republic for her sixtieth birthday (she said that she found a ticket for $200, which then changed to $300 and then I just finally cut her a cheque for $500 just to shut her up). Well, she's decided that the tickets are just too expensive and that she's just going to buy a new mattress with the money we gave her. Yeah right.

So I'm tired of dealing with her and the fact that I still am not a mom is turning the knife just that little bit more.

There isn't a Happy You're Barren Day card. There isn't a special brunch that I can get taken to. Last time I checked there aren't any commercials that celebrate my empty uterus and childless life.

So this B is for me and for the rest of my sisters in struggle. I don't think that I'm ready to sport the B as my new spring fashion accessory, but I'm going to own it.

And hopefully, one day I will get a Mother's Day card and not just an awkward message from my well-meaning father-in-law.

Hopefully.

Rain on my parade

Since we starting TTC almost three years ago I feel like a lot in my life hasn't gone my way. I realize that a lot of this feeling has to do with optics and the feel-me-sorries, but I'm human and I feel like life has been kicking me in the butt. So when I got the job that I interviewed last week I was pretty pumped. I may not be able to make a baby, but I can get a job that I actually want! Woohoo for me!

I have also realized since TTC that people are very envious. I know that my dislike of teaching nemesis is that fact that she got pregnant almost instantly. I know that so many of my angry thoughts directed in her direction are all based in my jealously.

But at least I can recognize that.

I also know that I have very little patience for super-fertile women that complain about their bodies changing for the worst and their lack of sleep due to their little ones at home. I recognize that if I was also one of the sleep-deprived fertiles out there that I would be able to commiserate. Alas I am not.

One of my friends at school, let's call her StoryTopper, has been raining on my parade since I announced that I got the new position. She is also a French teacher and has been teaching the same thing for quite a long time. When the postings came out she expressed interest in applying, but she didn't. As soon as I started telling my colleagues that I got the position she said, "Well I should teach with you!" Which totally doesn't make sense since she didn't even apply. I also feel like every time that I say something she negates it with yet another story. I realize that she must have a really low self-esteem that she has to be the centre of attention at all times. I also realize that she must feel like she wouldn't have gotten the position to not even try and apply. At times I think that StoryTopper is my friend. We have fun together and I think that she's great. I also know that I don't need constant validation to feel good and appreciated. I know that I'm a good teacher and I know that my students are happy. I just want the opportunity to feel happy and proud of myself for just this once.

I really have to let this go if I can stand being around StoryTopper until the end of the school year. Thank God for the bloggosphere.