Prayer Buddy Reveal & Happy Boxing Day!

My Advent Prayer Buddy was Polkadot from Making God Laugh!

First off, I can't believe that Advent is over! One would think that being homebound for most of the season would make time move slower, but it was the exact opposite!

I offered up my discomforts and healing pain for your intentions Polkadot (so you got A LOT of prayers!). I also prayed the Immaculate Conception and St. Andrew Christmas Novenas for your intentions. I hope that my prayers helped! I will continue to pray for your intentions and your work as a
FertilityCare practitioner -- you are truly doing God's work and I know that He will bless you for all that you do!

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I also want to thank Hebrews who was praying for me! She has been such an amazing support to me in the recent months. Not only did she visit me in the hospital in Omaha, but our daily communication has helped me get through a very difficult recovery. The Holy Spirit definitely had His hand in pairing us together! God bless you my amazing friend!

You are amazing at keeping secrets!!!!!
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Our Christmas celebration was mostly drama-free. My parents had to leave early so as soon as they were gone I was able to relax and have fun with the rest of my extended family. My biggest complaint was that my father-in-law insisted on leaving early (Mr. JB and I would've stayed if he wasn't with us, but we had to leave).

We're hanging out with my fertile best friend's family today. If my FIL wants to go home early he can walk around the corner and take himself!

I hope that the rest of you are having a wonderful holiday. My cousins are coming over tomorrow and I am so excited. I love it when the people I love come to my house!

Do not be afraid...

...for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy
that will be for all the people.
For today in the city of David
a savior has been born for you who is Christ and Lord.

 Merry Christmas!

For nothing is impossible with God...

So I was feeling sorry for myself this morning at mass. I was looking around at all the beautiful little kids, mainly the kids that have been born since we got married, and I felt so sad.

Don't get me wrong, I love Advent. I love Christmas. Our parish is so beautiful and it is so easy to feel the spirit of the season.

But this morning as I sat in the pew, I just felt sad. I wanted to be like Mary. I want to have a life growing inside of me. I was so tired of being an infertile woman. So very, very tired.

And then during the gospel it hit me like a ton of bricks:

And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing is impossible with God.


For nothing is impossible with God.

When I heard the words read aloud the doubt and feel-me-sorries disappeared. It was like the Holy Spirit was talking directly to me.

"Wake up JellyBelly, I'm here. I've lead you this far, just be patient."

Our journey, particularly our journey to Omaha, was filled with so many blessings. I have been able to stay home knowing that I have a job to return to (not that I ever want to return to work, but that's another post for another time). I have been able to let myself rest and relax, two things that I have a hard time doing.


For nothing is impossible with God. 

I have said to myself over and over today. I may have to get a t-shirt made or a billboard-sized sign for my house. 

Thank you for getting through my thick skull Lord, I needed it.
 

Strange Dreams & Phone Frustration

I have to admit that since going off of Lo.w D.ose Nal.trexone my dreams have been less vivid, but last night I had a doozy. It wasn't the strangest dream I've ever had (I regularly surprise Mr. JB with my crazy dreams), but I felt so weird when I woke up.

I dreamt that I was shopping (something that I've been doing to get myself out of the house -- I went to the mall two days in a row! Yay!). I went into a shoe store and while I was browsing I picked up a really cute and comfortable pair. For those of you that spend a lot of time on your feet, cute and comfortable shoes are hard to find (I am not ready to wear grandma shoes!). When I examined the shoes closer there was a label inside that said, "For pregnant women only."

In my dream I walked out of the store all shaken up and that's when I woke up.

What's up with that?

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So I know that I need to learn more lessons on patience and waiting. In retrospect what happened yesterday was not that big of a deal, but at the time it felt earth shattering.

You see, I was told to call PPVI this week for my six-week post-op follow-up. So I did what I was told and I called at 9am CST (I am very good at following directions). I figured that the call would come later on in the day so I was able to go to the chiropractor and then I did some Christmas shopping. When I didn't get a call back Monday evening I figured that I would get a call the next day.

When lunch time rolled around on Tuesday I decided to call to see where I was in the queue. The receptionist apologized and said that she had seen my file and that I would be called some time that day. And guess who didn't get called?

So Wednesday rolled around and I had to attend a funeral mass for the mother-in-law of a friend, so I called again to see where I was in the queue before I left the house. I was relieved that when I got home that they hadn't called (if you miss a call from the nurses you go to the bottom of the list, strange system since it isn't a new call, but a call back -- really, don't get me started). I had to leave my house for another chiropractor appointment so I called PPVI again to leave them my cell phone number, just in case.

And guess what happened. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and they called. I left my phone unattended for two minutes and they called.

What???

I immediately called back. This time I was desperate. I told the woman on the phone that I had been waiting for THREE days for a call back and I had missed the call by TWO minutes. I was almost in tears, which is not the norm for me. I pretty much begged for mercy for a call back. I really didn't want to have to wait THREE more days for a call back. I was also stressed because I had to leave to go to the chiropractor. It was raining pretty heavily and I knew that my twenty minute drive was going to be much longer.

I guess my "patience" was rewarded because the nurse called me back in fifteen minutes. Although I'm not allowed to talk and drive, I broke the law for a good cause. I asked if I could go back on LDN (and I was told that I would get a call back, hahahaha).

I said to Mr. JB that if it wasn't PPVI I would've yelled at someone. I have no patience at all for being given the runaround. I know that PPVI is understaffed and that their client base is growing which is a good thing in the grand scheme of things.

The Lord is reminding me to be patient. My journey is not over, not by a long shot.
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I am finally done my Christmas cards. I did finally find my groove and was able to finish. I tried to put love and good intentions into each card. My big outing today is the post office and I'm so excited about that! I love having the energy to get out by myself. Thank you all for your kind comments. Btw, I can't count, this is year seven of the Christmas cards.

[sigh]

Prayer buddy, I've been offering up so much for you! I hope you're feeling it!

Christmas Card Resentment

I would like to think of myself as the queen of Christmas.

I love decorating (my main Christmas tree has a theme and we have a tree in our bedroom).

I love holiday baking.

I love buying gifts, and mostly I love wrapping them (I need to get into a groove and once I do, I'm a machine!). 

I love listening to Christmas carols.

And until this year, I loved sending out Christmas cards.

Our first Christmas as a married couple we sent out a wedding picture as our card. The second year we sent out very beautiful Uni.cef cards. The third year... And the fourth year...

We're on year six.

Year six of sending out very beautiful cards.

Cards that I wish were cute pictures of our equally cute kids with "Merry Christmas from the JellyBellies" written on the bottom.

I am so afraid that I'm going to be here staring down our seventh Christmas sending out the same boring cards.

Even the Ho.w I M.et Yo.ur Mo.ther marathon is only lessening the blow just a tiny bit. Perhaps I may need to crack open a bottle of wine....

IF you suck big, fat donkey balls.

Take me back to the start...

CD2.

Praise Jesus!

Yesterday morning when AF finally arrived after her long, unpregnant hiatus, she returned in all her glory. I can already tell that things are different, and in a good way. I am again thankful for pain medicine -- I was warned by many that the first couple of cycles were going to be rough.

I was absolutely joyful and then it hit me.

We're back on the TTC train.

Break over.

No excuses.

One would think that after six years and finally having a real shot at making a baby JellyBelly that I would be overjoyed, but I'm feeling more than a little scared. Heck, I'm petrified.

The "what ifs" have been running through my head, and most of them negative. Oh Advent Prayer Buddy, I'm offering so much up for you!

So as I was driving the feel-me-sorry train this song popped into my head. I'm going to try to erase the past six years of disappointment by distraction. Thank you to Ch.ris Mar.tin and the boys.

If I can't have an infertile island...

I will dream of spending Christmas in my beloved Paris.

[I was secretly wishing that I would magically fall pg before my surgery in Omaha and we could take our surgery fund to Europe, alas we all know how that turned out.]

Christmas in Paris is so beautiful.

The city is decorated so fantastically. Every building, every tree, every window display is just exquisite.

Unfortunately my photos of Christmas in Paris are not digital so I had to borrow some images from the trusty internet.

Galé.ries Lafa.yette is my favourite department store. I couldn't really afford to shop there, but I would walk through the aisles of the top designers and I would dream. Mr. JB have a gorgeous photo taken on the rooftop terrace when we were there 2008. This Christmas tree is in 'le grand dome' inside.

I never spent Christmas in Paris because I couldn't stand to be away from my crazy family. We did spend Basti.lle Day at the E.iffel Tow.er and it was the most magnificent fireworks display that I have ever seen.  I can imagine that the light show at Christmas is just as spectacular.

I miss the girl that I was while I lived in France. She had no idea what was in store for her. She was so innocent and hopeful.

Who wants to join me on my imaginary trip? 

A Knife Through My Infertile Heart

Oh Face.book.

You've been so good to me during my recovery, but not this morning.

A friend that got married two months after us had their second child this morning.

[sigh]

I wish that I wasn't so jealous, but I am.

I wish that I could be cuddling on my couch with my baby, but I'm not.

What sucks is that I woke up feeling so good. I took Ad.vil last night at 8pm and I took my next dose at 10am.

And now I'm deflated.

I am definitely going to treat myself to a St.arbucks treat after I get my eyebrows threaded (yes, this is what I've chosen as my first solo trip, I LOVE getting hair removed from my face). I'd much rather have a glass of wine, but not just yet....

In Search of Aunt Flo! Help!

Who would've thought that I would miss my period?

But I do, badly.

I had my first surgery with Dr. Hilgers on November 1st and I was on CD9 (he likes to do surgery before CD10). I had the "works" done and I know from looking at my (scary) bill, I had a D&C (I also remember being told that it was done, but that was in my post-surgical pain haze).

My CM returned last week, and if I was actually charting and paying attention I'd have some idea of where AF could be.

Also, I've been noticing hair loss. I know that my body is under stress from recovery and that I have thyroid issues, but I'm starting to think that I need to get some R.ogaine!

Advice anyone?

And now back to our scheduled programming...

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers on yesterday's post. I'm thinking that the Lord wants me to learn even more patience as part of my Advent preparation. Tomorrow my parents are taking me to my chiropractor appointment (I didn't realize that my mom had the day off and I just wanted my dad to take me, but that plan backfired) and then we're going to go dishwasher shopping. That will definitely be an exercise in patience.

Would it be a really bad thing if I starting drinking wine while still taking pain meds?

[don't worry, I'm just joking]

So I've been feeling so much better. I've decided to stop setting the alarm to take my pain medication through the night and I've been waking up without too much pain. I started this experiment on Thursday and I just realized that I had missed my evening dose of Ad.vil, but I wasn't uncomfortable (and this was after taking a shower upstairs and giving my purse a good clean-out). Having a night of uninterrupted sleep has been so good for my recovery.

I've also decided to sleep in after Mr. JB leaves for work. The first week I was alone I was getting up with him at 6:30 (the time I usually wake up to go to work) and I was feeling sluggish during the day. This past week I slept in until 8:30 and I felt so much better.

My appetite is back with a vengeance. We got some nitrate-free cold turkey and pork and I've been having open faced sandwiches for breakfast, with my homemade pickles on the side. Not being able to eat eggs is such a pain and I have to be creative with my protein! Anyone with any other gluten, egg, or cow-dairy free breakfast ideas? 

I've been having some serious blood sugar issues. I was diagnosed with insulin-resistance earlier this year and I've really made an effort to eat low-GI (although some days I would love to eat a loaf of my gluten-free cinnamon raisin bread, but I don't!). I've been feeling really strange, particularly tingly hands and feet after eating dairy-free ice cream (which is not exactly low in sugar!) for dessert. My heart also starts to race. The first time it happened I thought I was having a panic attack. The second time I was able to breathe deeply and make myself fall asleep. On Friday night I spent an hour trying to find a way to lower my blood sugar naturally on the internet.

I made Mr. JB goo.gle my symptoms and I am convinced that it has to do with my blood sugar. I think that the biggest part of my problem is that my activity level is so much lower than normal -- I miss going to yoga four times a week (which I guess is a sign that I am feeling better). I've tried to walk around the house more and I even did a bit of laundry yesterday (I loaded the washer, but I didn't unload the dryer since there was too much pulling involved). Do any of you that are insulin-resistant feel the same way after eating too much sugar? Btw, I'm taking 500 mg of Met.formin twice a day as well as chromium to help with my sugars.

Regardless of my strange new symptoms I feel like I'm making a turn towards recovery. It's amazing how much better I feel in comparison to last week. Riding in the car isn't too bad and we even attended my cousin's daughter's dance performance last night! We didn't get home until almost midnight!

I feel such a difference in my pain and my pelvis feels clear -- my pelvic abscess sister Hebrews understands the mess that infection can leave behind! My body actually feels lighter, does that make sense?

Prayer buddy you are working wonders! Thank you!

Why does it always surprise me?

I'm an optimist.

It's my default setting. And am I ever glad that I try to look at the good rather than dwell in the bad. If that were the case IF would've crushed me a long time ago.

I've been stewing about this for a couple of days. My blood pressure is surely elevated and I wish that I could have a glass, heck a bottle of wine right now. The fact that I have to deal with stress on top of recovering from major surgery is not making me happy.

It's my mother.

She has done so well since my surgery. She's good in a crisis. She likes taking care of me and I've let her -- I don't like to be coddled at all which is one of the biggest reasons for our conflict. She is one of the biggest reasons why I went into therapy while I was in university and why I needed to "find myself" on the other side of the world.

I have come to peace with my relationship with her. I know how to deal with her without making myself crazy, but now I'm a little flummoxed. Now she's fighting with her siblings and I feel like I'm caught in the middle.

You see, she's one of ten and seven of her siblings live very close to one another (north of me, thank God!). There's been family drama since last Christmas (that my immediate family wasn't involved in) and now my mother has announced that although it's her turn to host "No one is going to want to come to my house anyway."

My mother tells me nothing. This post is the biggest proof. I also have strong suspicions that she deals with crazy hormones like I do. Unfortunately for her she doesn't have treatment for her craziness, hormonal or not.

What worries me is that it seems like she's holding grudges. She had an altercation with one of her younger brothers a while ago and although he has since apologized, she is still very angry at him. My parents didn't show up at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving, but my mother gave me a lame excuse that they had a previous engagement. I didn't know about the fight until a couple of weeks ago.

I know that there is more going on then what she's telling me. There has to be. She's trying her best to get Mr. JB and I to side with her. I told her with 100% certainty that I am going to spend Christmas with my cousins. I do have issues with one of my uncles (remember the one that told Mr. JB that he should find a "second wife" to give him kids? I don't even speak to him), but I love my cousins. I was taught to forgive and love my family, but she is obviously not following any of the lessons that she tried to teach me.

I wish that my mother didn't make my blood boil. The sad thing is that if I was made to choose between my extended family and my mother, it wouldn't be an automatic choice. She has not been the most supportive parent and she treats me so horribly. I hate feeling manipulated.

Please pray for my crazy mother. It's obvious that she's dealing with a lot. I just wish I could feel more patience for her.

Thankful Thursday & Liebster Award

I was inspired this morning by Rebecca at the Road Home to participate in my first Thankful Thursday.

1) I am so thankful for my Vita.mix! I made an Emerald Smoothie this morning as part of my breakfast, and although I think that the pineapple is disagreeing with me, it was so delicious!

2) I am so thankful for having more and more energy every day. I've let myself sleep in this past week and I feel so much better than I did last week when I was getting up at the same time as Mr. JB.

3) I am thankful that we finally got an Advent wreath. I usually get a fresh one, but we weren't around to order one from one of my church friends that sells them in November. I have some crafty ideas to add to it, but it looks great with the candles on our sideboard.

4) I am thankful that my father-in-law is giving us a Christmas tree this year. He planted three pine trees in his front yard, but they grew a little larger than he expected. He offered a tree to us and my fertile bf's family and Mr. JB is picking it up this weekend. It's a big savings at a time where we're a little stressed about money.

5) Speaking of money: I am so thankful for our financial planner. He is on the same Kni.ghts of Co.lumbus as Mr. JB and he's figured out a way for us to pay the surprisingly large extra bill we got from PPVI. It's an option that doesn't compromise our savings and we don't have to do any crazy belt tightening at the JellyBelly household. Thank you Jesus!

6) I am thankful that I am feeling better each passing day. I've been able to do a little bit more for myself which is so good for my pride!

7) I am so thankful that my appetite is back. I've lost quite a bit of weight since my surgery and if I get under a certain weight I start to get sick (I'm not the biggest person to begin with). I've been trying my best to eat healthy calories, but we got some dairy-free ice cream the other day and it's so tasty!

8) I am so thankful for my blogger friends. You girls have kept me company as I recover and I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself or feel lonely. God bless all of you!
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I was the lucky recipient of a Liebster Blog Award from I must have prayed for patience. Thank you for your nomination!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favourite bloggers.  

Here are my winners (and I apologize if you've already received one!):

1. This Cross I Embrace

2. Sew Hormonal

3. All Things

4. Patiently Waiting....Kinda

5. IF Me

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.