Seeking Comfort

That's exactly what I have tried to do today.

I took the day off because I had my annual physical (with the GP that I really don't like, but cannot leave because it is nearly impossible to find doctors that take patients). I knew that I needed a day away from my class (who is driving me crazy and making me a miserable person, well actually, it's one specific student, but I'm not going to blog about that today), and taking the entire day off was what I needed.

I've been miserable for the past couple of weeks. Part of me feels like I have some form of PTSD that's related to IF -- is that possible? I feel like I have been dragging my broken spirit through mud. I know that it most likely hormonal and that when AF starts the clouds will break open and peace will come upon me (funny how that happens, eh?). Another part of me is worried that my normalizing hormones are making me feel like a basket case.

I am usually an optimist. I am also usually happy, despite five and a half years of being IF. I am constantly being praised by my friends and colleagues about how calm I am. I know that it isn't a persona, I am actually that person.

Since the Dalya and Danielle's deaths I have tried very hard to focus on the positive things in my life -- my ulcerative colitis being in remission, our upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic, my perfect eyesight, but I feel like the weight of IF is dragging me down.

I know that I have hit rock bottom many times, and so many of you have buoyed me through so many periods of intense suffering. It seems as though I am there again.

After my physical I went to the chiropractor (who is my biggest IF cheerleader) and I complained to her about my aching lower back as well as my jaw. She joked that I'm never an easy case to "fix." She asked me why I was so tense and I wasn't able to answer her.

Is my body trying to tell me that I need to get off of this roller coaster? Is it time to reclaim my life and move on?

It seems to me that every time I set a deadline for myself, I get a positive sign that we need to keep going.  I had thought that December 2010 was going to be the end of our TTC journey, but then I started to see Dr. Nora. Then in January my Napro doctor said that we had just had our first two viable cycles and that we shouldn't despair. And now, there's a possibility (however slight) that I will be able to have surgery with Dr. H.ilgers.

Is this divine intervention? Or is it coincidence?

I know that ultimately I have to make peace with what I want, and unfortunately that means that I can't give up. I did say to Mr. JB a couple of weeks ago (perhaps it was in the car on our way home from Danielle's funeral) that I believed that we were close. I have not had that feeling in a VERY long time.

I never thought that I would be 36 and still childless. Part of me just wants to mourn the loss of that dream, but I can't hibernate in a hole and do that. Another part of me (although lately, it has been a very small part) believes that my IF is serving a greater purpose in my life.

So for now, I have to continue praying -- which has been really great since we have a Legion of Mary statue visiting with us for a couple of weeks, and hoping. And maybe, I have to reach my hands out so all of you can hold me up while I am feeling so weak and small.

Thank God for all of you.