One...

...more sleep!!!!!

I'm exhausted.

And sad.

I've had the best year with my class.

I guess the Lord gave me quite the gift to distract me from my IF.

I'm sure that there will be tears, a couple of the girls even said so this morning.

I will be forever grateful to these beautiful children for giving me the most wonderful distraction.

188 days of fun.

I just hope and pray that next year is just as good...

Anxious JellyBelly

I should be resting.

Or doing laundry.

Or putting clothes away in our closet.

Or maybe even having a snack.

Instead, I'm blogging in an attempt to keep a panic attack at bay.

It doesn't help that I have a little summer cold. I started sneezing while we were grocery shopping yesterday and I haven't stopped since. I've increased my vitamin C dose and I got a good night's rest, but the sniffles are getting the best of me.

I know that I'm anxious about the end of school. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with more things to add to my to-do list. Lucky for me, I think that I finally have enough boxes for all of my school stuff (yes girls, I am a school resource pack rat AND I have hardly any school-related stuff at home since I've had a classroom to store it in for nine years!). I had the bright idea of asking some older kids to help out since I know that I can't do it all myself while keeping my class entertained!

Another reason why I'm feeling anxiety is that the first time the bottom feel out, it was the end of the school year. Last year I was so glad to see my class move on since they were NUTS, but this year has been so great that I'm sad to see this class go. I know that I will be teaching half of them again, but the current dynamic of the class is great. I feel such a sense of pride when other teachers say how smart and well-behaved they are!

On Friday we did a rotation with the other grade one classes and my teaching partner said that my class applauded when she finished explaining how to make their craft. One kid even told her that it was a good lesson. What 6 year olds do that???

My teaching partner and I have mixed our two classes really well and I got to keep the kids I really, really like, but I'm worried that the poor behaviour of the other kids is going to ruin the good behaviour of my students. I know it's silly to worry about it since there's no way of telling what my class in September is going to be like, but I can't help it!

So on Friday one of the special ed teachers and I were talking about next year and she made an interesting comment. We were talking about one of the little guys in my class who has a mom that is quite difficult (which is teacher speak for crazy, really, really crazy, she has driven each of her kids' teachers nuts AND I have a suspicion that she has dealt with IF, lucky for me, she likes me and her son is a nice kid).

Mrs. M made a comment that it would drive J's mom crazy if I were to go on maternity leave next year and that it may be the trick to getting pregnant. I didn't know how to respond since I have only discussed my fertility issues with my principal and one other teacher on staff (who dealt with endo before she had kids and now has three adult children and a bunch of grandkids). Nevertheless I thought that it was sweet of her to be encouraging, in a roundabout way.

Lastly, I'm in a bit of a conundrum. In the past couple weeks I've dealt with some really bad migraines and I've traced them back to having received communion! I know that the host is made with wheat, but I don't want to stop receiving. Mr. JB has said that I should just take the wine, but I just don't like not receiving the Eucharist. I have a very friendly relationship with our pastor and I know that he wouldn't have a problem with giving me a tinier portion of the host (which is what my brother-in-law does when we have mass with him), but do any of you know of any wheat-free host options? It would break my heart to have to stop receiving communion and I want to go prepared when I speak to our priest!

Stick a fork in it

I'm done.

So absolutely done.

I was so tired this morning that I didn't even go to yoga, which was quite the shock for Mr. JB since the only reason why I miss Saturday morning yoga is if I'm deathly ill.

Have I mentioned how difficult it is to teach until the end of June? And my school isn't air conditioned. And I have to pack up my room and have all of my boxes ready for moving by the end of the day on Wednesday.

Needless to say, I've been a little stressed.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to have a new teacher (who is also a good friend) shadow me for the day and she helped me pack up while I was running activities outside for the grade ones. I was so happy that she packed up my "cupboard of shame" and she even organized it for me! It was pretty embarrassing, but she understood that after two years of teaching grade one that I have no time to put things away neatly and things just get shoved into places so they're out of sight.

So I did get a response from my maid of honour. Her second child is getting baptized today and Mr. JB and I are not attending. She said that she understood that I was having a hard time since she was having kids and that I was being left behind. I don't think she understands that my biggest difficulty is that she didn't share the fact that she was pregnant with me herself. I don't know if I will ever explain it to her because I feel so betrayed. I'm also not going into all the years of contracepting that she did between her two children. I think that is what is making me the most angry.

I know that my infertility has nothing to do with justice and following the rules, but sometimes I can't help but feel like the universe is mocking me.

I also received a wedding shower invitation for Mr. JB's cousin's fiancee, yes the pg one. It also falls on our wedding anniversary weekend. I told Mr. JB that I will send a gift, but I do not want to attend. It just seems so hypocritical that we're celebrating something that is so wrong! I'm going to have to grin and bear the wedding and reception, and I'm sure there will be baby shower in due course (she's due January 3rd). Mr. JB said that he was worried that it would look weird that I would miss both showers, but at this point I just don't care.

On Wednesday night Mr. JB got together with his cousins and the groom to plan the stag and his cousin was at our house when I got home. It was hard to look him in the eye and pretend that I was not feeling so much anger. I'm not very good at pretending. It just seems strange that this couple is going through the motions of a "normal" wedding. There are going to be SEVEN bridesmaids and SEVEN groomsmen! There is obviously no shame at all with these two people!

Mr. JB and I have talked about it over and over again. If it were us in this situation we would've gotten married quietly and then went on with our lives, but I guess that we have a more healthy dose of Catholic guilt than these two (and we also go to church every Sunday and actually live like Catholics, but that is another rant for another day). Don't get me wrong, I'm a big sinner, but I think that we followed the MOST important rules before we got married!!!!

Anyhow, I need to deal with these emotions, and pronto since I'm going to have to deal with these people FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. They live in my neighbourhood AND they're (technically) parishioners at our church. And don't worry, I know that I can't do it alone. Although I'm sure that it's my thyroid/adrenal gland at fault for feeling low, I need some outside intervention to help me process all of the crap that is going on in my head.

Lastly, I looked into how much it would cost to ship my cortisol level test back to the US and with the shipping costs I would only save $30 from the price from the Canadian company my naturopath suggested. Mr. JB and I decided that the $30 difference was worth swallowing since it is so much more convenient to use our postal service. The test that I have already has a pre-paid mailer included and all I have to do is stick it in a mailbox. So thanks so Sew and Barbie for the tip. I'm sure that if we had the time to cross the border with my spit samples, it would be more cost-effective, but it just isn't feasible with our crazy schedules.

I wish I could curl up into a ball on my couch and sleep until Monday, but unfortunately laundry, coffee dates and grocery shopping calls. I'm trying my best to keep up with your blogs and commenting, and I promise that I'll be a much better blogger when school ends and I recover!

Coordination

One of the things that my Napro doctor wants to do with this cycle is another hormonal profile and ultrasound series. I haven't had one done since May 2008 and that was WAY before I had all of the endo removed.

I knew that when my period arrived on Saturday that my ultrasound series scheduling was going to be difficult. I'm supposed to start on day 12 which also happens to be the last day of school, which means that there is no way I can go. It also doesn't help that July 1st is a national holiday so the lab is closed. So my first appointment is on July 2nd which will be day 14. Then I can't be seen on the weekend since it's a long weekend, the lab is closed on Saturday, argh.

So it seems that I'm only going to get in four or five scans and I have no idea if that will be enough for my doctor. I guess in this case I'm lucky to be a late ovulator, I usually ovulate between days 17 to 19. I really hope and pray that when I call my doctor's office tomorrow that she will say that it will enough.

If my calculations are right it looks like the timing for the ultrasound series will fall right before we head to the Poconos, which would work timing-wise, but my doctor said that it would be preferable to have the scan done this cycle.

Is it selfish to ask for prayers that this works out?

I would love to have something be easy in this fertility game, just one thing. Is that too much to ask?

Is there life after F.emara?

I just started my third go of F.emara.

Yay CD3!!!!

My Napro doc said that I can only do two more cycles on such a high dose. I can't remember why, but I know that it isn't good. Perhaps it has to do with boosting estrogen and it being bad for endo regrowth.

And we definitely don't want to have the endo grow back.

Btw, I've had some pretty bad cramps, not like the pre-surgery cramps, but bad enough to take some A.dvil, three times.

I definitely don't want to go back on C.lomid since it made me a stark raving maniac AND it made my periods very painful.

Are there any other ovulation-inducing drugs out there that I haven't tried?

I had my day 3 blood taken after school. I tried to avert my eyes since I'm not the biggest fan of needles, but I think there were four vials. Since I had the "works" done, it was more than what the technicians take when I get my Peak +7 or just FSH taken. I cannot wait to hear the results!

Is it sick and twisted to wish that there is something else wrong with me????

p.s. I'm convinced that something is going on with my hormones. I'm definitely feeling much better than I did yesterday and AF is definitely heavier today (sorry, TMI). It's almost as if a cloud has lifted. Don't worry, I'm not assuming that I've passed the worst and that I don't need some outside help to deal with my emotional health. I don't think that I can grow a baby inside of me if I am an emotional wreck inside. That would be toxic.

p.p.s. Still no response from my maid of honour. I'd like to believe that she's going to respond, but who knows. Mr. JB says that her response is going to be a gauge to see if I maintain the friendship. I'm not sure what to think, but I hope that she doesn't disappoint me, yet again.

A New Day

Thank God for a new day.

I'm not saying that I feel 100% better, but it definitely feels better to be at school with my class that loves me (have I mentioned that I'm sad about the year ending? I may be tired, but I love these kids and I'm sad that I won't be teaching all of them next year). I got some hugs this morning, and Ralph was particularly sweet and came back for a second hug.

One of the things that was bothering me yesterday was my maid of honour had called me last week. She had e-mailed me to announce the birth of her daughter -- a month later -- and I just couldn't bring myself to respond. Mr. JB went to my parents' house yesterday without me since I had a migraine and my mom mentioned that her baby was going to be baptized this Saturday (now, who gives a week notice for a baptism?????). It was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

So last night, with the help of Faith like a child, I composed an e-mail telling her that I was having a tough time and that I just couldn't be around a newborn. I was very to the point and I made sure to congratulate her, but I thought that it would be hypocritical of me to attend such a happy occasion when I was feeling so sad. Who knows how she'll respond, but at least I've got the issue of actually sending her a response out of the way.

I was talking to Mr. JB about the situation last night. My fertile best friend also has a newborn and I can go to her house, hold the baby and on Friday night I even rocked him to sleep. I was a bit apprehensive when he was first born, but I quickly warmed up. The biggest difference is that my fertile bf never made it a secret that she wanted to have a bunch of kids AND as soon as she was pg she told me and she felt so horrible. Since her baby's birth she's asked if I was okay to be around him and I said that it didn't bother me since she was so open about it AND she lets me hold him as much as I want. 

Last night when I was doing some research into counseling I found the website for the company that my school board uses. Apparently the service is free to employees and there's a 24 hour phone number that I can call. My Reality recommended a fertility therapist that works in my city, but I think that I'm going to explore the free option first. A friend of ours used the counseling service and she was very happy with them. I know that my sadness is situational and that I am not in need to medication (at least I don't think so).  All I need to do now is to make the call.

Thank you all for all of your kind words and prayers on my last post. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such a supportive community of women that understand and don't judge. I have been trying to remind myself that this phase will pass and that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Can you talk me off of the cliff?

I am having a really bad day.

Not only do I have a migraine right now, but I also woke up hung over.

Yes, "Miss I do yoga and eat organically and only occasionally drink wine" woke up hung over.

Not fun.

We attended a Stag and Doe for Mr. JB's cousin who is getting married and I was given a second glass of wine by another relative -- honestly who gets drunk on two glasses of wine??? And of course, I could not eat a thing that was being served so I was drinking on basically an empty stomach.

To top it off I'm dealing with a heck of a lot of guilt -- yet another Father's Day for my wonderful husband has passed and he still isn't a dad. It's one thing to feel sorry for myself on Mother's Day, but my guilt level has reached new proportions this year.

I've mentioned before that I dealt with clinical depression while I was in university. I had a breakdown the summer after my second year and it took a few years of antidepressants and therapy to get better. Not only was I depressed, but I had horrible anxiety attacks that left me physically paralyzed and I couldn't get out of bed.

It was the worst time of my life.

I was very lucky to have the support of my best friend (yes, the fertile one, who was my roommate at the time) and an incredibly supportive therapist. I was suicidal more than once, and I was even taken to the hospital after seeing my GP at the time because I was in such a state. I guess she was afraid that I was going to hurt myself.

I stopped taking antidepressants when I moved to France. It was four years after my lowest point and I decided that I was done with being sad.

I never thought that I would feel that horrible ever again, but here I am.

I admitted to Mr. JB this afternoon that I think that I need to seek professional help. As usual he's 100% supportive. I know that my feelings of anger, frustration and sadness are not normal. I don't want these horrible feelings to swallow me up like they did when I was an innocent undergrad that no idea that infertility would rock her world some ten or so years later.

So I apologize for, yet again, being the Debbie Downer of the infertility bloggers, but if I kept this post in any longer I would have to find a cliff to jump off of.

Numb *Updated with DHEA question

CD1

I'm not surprised since my Napro doc and my naturopath saw blood in my urine when they tested for my UTI. I'm disappointed nonetheless.

But on the bright side, I can get my hormone and ultrasound panel done before I start working in July AND I can get my thyroid and Vitamin D blood work (along with my FSH and other assorted items that were checked off on my blood requisition). I have to thank Sew and Barbie for sending me a link for getting my adrenals tested. I'm going to save a TON getting it done at a lab in the States!

I didn't mention that my Napro doc is changing my post-Peak protocol for the next two cycles. I'm still on the triple dose of F.emara (but only for two more cycles, since apparently one can't be on such a high dose for long) and she wants to decrease my HCG to three needles rather than four. My dosage is still the same, but I only have to inject on Peak +3, +5, and +9. My progesterone level is really good, it's my estrogen that's still low.

In May (the "Oops, I didn't mix the HCG properly month") my estrogen was 209 and my progesterone was 101 (again, sorry, I don't know the units. In June my estrogen was 253 and my progesterone was 200.5.

Does anyone out there have a tip on how to boost estrogen levels? My Napro doc mentioned that my estrogen would've been lower this month because of the lack of HCG. She also wanted to try progesterone (either via lozenge or vaginally) again, but I told her that I would LOSE MY MIND if I went off of HCG. It was pretty funny since Mr. JB piped up and said that on HCG my PMS was so much better.

Lastly, my thyroid was checked when I first did my hormone panel in April 2008. Who knows if anything changed since my surgeries. My money is on my adrenals being wonky. My naturopath put me on an adrenal support since December 2009 because I was sick for so long (I had a cold for FOUR months!). I've also dealt with a heck of a lot of infection in the past year so my immune system has been working overtime.

For those of you out there that have adrenal issues, what is your doctor doing for you?

Anyhow, I need to get my infertile butt in gear. We're headed to Mr. JB's dad's place for the night and I'm still wearing my yoga clothes from this morning!

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Update: While Mr. JB was driving to the country I did some research on Dr. Google (I know, bad, bad JellyBelly!). It seems like DHEA is used to treat low estrogen (if anyone out there has any experince with DHEA, you're welcome to correct me, I was reading on the tiny screen of my i.Phone!). Is anyone out there on DHEA?

Waaaaay back when I started my blog someone recommended DHEA to me and I've always had it in the back of my head. Now, after having my surgeries I know that it wouldn't have helped since my pelvis was a mess, but I'm wondering what if it would help now.

Anyone?

11am (EST) *UPDATED + What I had for lunch -- for you Sissy!

We're leaving for my appointment with my Napro doc in about 20 minutes. Thanks so much for your advice and words of support. I really hope that I don't have to fight too hard for the tests that I want since I am so absolutely exhausted (hmmm, adrenals? hmmm, thyroid?).

It also doesn't help that the UTI that my naturopath tried to treat isn't getting better. Looks like I'm going to be returning to antibiotic city.

Blech.

Mr. JB promised that we're going to do something fun for lunch after my appointment. So I'll update when we get home (since I can't seem to figure out how to do so on my i.Phone!).

Could you all say a little prayer and send some positive energy my way around 11am (EST)? I'm sure that my appointment won't be on time, but prayers thereabouts would be appreciated!
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Update:

Sorry it took me so long to update, I just got back from seeing my naturopath.

So I was all prepared for a fight, and I didn't need to be. My Napro doctor is AMAZING! She listened to all of my concerns and how frustrated I've been since it's almost been a year since my surgery (my second surgery was on August 4th) and despite having good hormone levels (I have it written upstairs, but I'm too lazy to go see, I'll post that later!).

So on my bloodwork requisition she wants to check my FSH levels, my TSH, T3 and T4 levels as well as my Vitamin D levels. The only two things that she didn't want to test for was Tpo and TgAb since they only run those tests if there's a history of miscarriage. We also talked about testing my adrenal function, but she knew that the blood test for cortisol levels wasn't a good indication so she said to see my naturopath.

Btw, according to the pee test that my Napro doc took I don't have a UTI, but there was blood in my urine. It's Peak +14 today (14dpo), looks like cycle 6 was a bust as well.

Which brings me to my second appointment. My naturopath was really surprised that my Napro doc even knew about the salivary test for adrenal function. After reading through the information it seems quite obvious that I have a cortisol difficiency. Here's what the literature says:

"Cortisol defiency: allergies, fatigue, muscle aches and pains, feeling cold, morning sluggishness, low sex drive, feel unable to cope, feel 'burned out', impaired memory, symptoms of pooer thyroid function"

The only downside is that the test (which will also test my progesterone and estrogen levels) will be just over $400. I know that it's a pittance to what the majority of what so many of you pay for your health care, but I hardly ever pay out of pocket for stuff. Mr. JB said that it's about my health and that we should just spend the money.

Have I mentioned that my husband is awesome?

Thanks for your prayers! I really hope that I get to find my answers soon!

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Sorry Sissy!

Mr. JB and I had a fancy salad. I was craving salad after my appointment (honestly, who does that??) and we found a new custom salad place quite a way from where we live and work. I had a chopped salad with goat cheese, artichokes, zucchini, mushrooms, tomatoes and chicken. Soooo tasty!

Done!

I just finished my report cards.

Praise the Lord!!!!

And now I can go back to my regular life!

Woohoo!!!

Btw, any advice on how I can convince my Napro doctor on Thursday to test my thyroid and my adrenals? Any other questions that I should ask my doctor?

If I wasn't so tired I'd do a happy dance, but instead I'm going to snuggle into my couch and fall asleep!

Running on Fumes

I have had the busiest weekend of my life.

Here's my laundry list:

1) Did laundry (thank God that it was a week that our lovely cleaning lady came to clean our house!)

2) Ran errands/Did groceries

3) Volunteered at a barbecue at church

4) Helped put away groceries

5) Tried to do report cards, but didn't succeed

6) Participated in a dragon boat competition (had to be at the canoe club at 7:15am this morning!!!)

7) Did TWO yoga classes (one on Saturday and one this afternoon, post-regatta)

8) Made an appearance at my neighbour's daughter's birthday party

9) Finished marking my students' journals

10) Entered the last of my marks, but decided that I was too tired to enter the comments.

My reports are due on Wednesday and I was hoping to have them done by the end of the weekend, but I just didn't have the time nor the inclination to do so. I see my Napro doctor on Thursday and I'm hoping that I can convince her to do all of the tests that I want. I think that I'm looking more forward to having a day off!!!

In cycle news, it's Peak +10 and I finished my proper dose of HCG last night. I'm hoping that my hormones are better than they were the last time I saw my doctor!

And lastly, thanks so much for your comments on my last post. I'm still having a hard time with dealing the anger. I also think that I need to seek some professional help. I'm tired of feeling sad and angry and it's becoming more obvious that I'm not coping well on my own.

Now I'm off to bed! I'm pooped!

Lord, Why Do You Test Me So???

I'm breaking my "I should be working on report cards" fast to rant.

I feel like I'm going to loose my mind. Actually, I'm much calmer than I was when I got the news. I spent some time lying down in our bedroom while playing with my i.Phone and then I finished my math marks for my report cards before I even dared log into my blog.

So Mr. JB has a cousin that is engaged. We were pretty excited because his cousin and his fiancee bought a house in our neighbourhood. They're great people and we love hanging out with them. They are living together (I know I shouldn't judge, but I am), but they didn't move in together "officially" until he gave her a ring (Mr. JB's cousin lived with his fiancee before they bought their house, but it was on the Q-T).

Anyhow, Mr. JB's cousin called him tonight to ask him to stand up for him and that the wedding is going to be in August, not June 2011 as planned.

You guessed it.

His fiancee is pregnant.

[insert A LOT of swearing here]

WTF????

Apparently following the rules doesn't help one get knocked up.

Sucks to be me.

Mr. JB apologized for giving me the bad news (I know, a new life isn't bad news, but you all understand, right?). Mr. JB also said that he said a prayer for me since he knew how I was going to react.

I can't help but feel that God is playing a bad joke on me. It's hard not to think that I'm being punished.

All I do know is that I'm angry. Pissed, in fact.

When is it going to be my turn???

Hopefully watching last night's episode of G.lee is going to cheer me up!

Report Card Season

I apologize for my absence in the blog-world.

It's my least favourite time of year -- report card season. Instead of enjoying my class, I'm all worried about finishing up the curriculum and assessing my students.

At least I'm not feeling like this, as I was last year, and I'm not having hot flashes because of L.upron!

I'm still trying to read your blogs, but it's crunch time and I need to limit my time-wasting activities.

Life will go back to normal on June 16th, or hopefully sooner.

Btw, it's Peak +4 (4dpo) and Mr. JB mixed the HCG properly last night. The pain I was feeling last week is due to a very mild UTI and my naturopath has me on some stuff to treat it. Unfortunately I have to take half a teaspoon of baking soda with the remedy because my PH is too acidic. Not pleasant, but not as bad as taking antibiotics and getting another yeast infection!

Something strange going on... *UPDATE

There is something really strange going on "south of the border."

I've been feeling pain in my ladyparts. I don't know if I have yet another UTI or if it's something else. I really hope that it isn't another UTI, I can't handle another set of antibiotics!!!

Also I'm on CD15 and I have no idea what is going on with my CM! I had some fertile business going on (10KL at least a couple times a day, sorry I don't have my chart!) then yesterday I was back to nothing (10SLAD). Then today the fertile stuff is back again (10KL). I have had excellent CM the past few cycles and when I have 10KL I have it ALL DAY. Not just once or twice. Before today I was feeling still quite dry "down there."

I'm a late ovulator -- at least CD 17 or 18, I was before I went on F.emara.

Any of your Creighton people out there, what's your take? I'm wondering if I had a double peak now that I think about it.

I'll post with more details when I get home. It'll be easier when I have my chart in front of me.

I'm going to call my naturopath now to see if she can help me with this strange pain. After my last visit with my GP I don't want to see her for a LONG time!

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Update:

Praise the Lord! I finally have normal fertile CM!!! It's CD17 and I see beautiful 10KL (ewcm). I was worried that there was something wrong and that I wouldn't see my beautiful 10KL this time!!! Seems like I'm going to be "busy" this evening... ;)