Honestly, before IF I was much better at making decisions!
So last night I noticed on our call display that one of my girlfriends had phoned. Although we are very good friends, we aren't exactly "phone friends", instead we e-mail one another and then go out together. I had a feeling in my gut (and also the last time we had dinner at her house) that she was expecting, and of course my instincts were right!
Yet another friend that was married (two years) after me that is expecting. I am happy for her, don't get me wrong. She's gone through a lot in the past few years: her first husband cheated on her and she had to deal with an icky divorce and she was barely 30 when all of this happened. Her new husband is amazing, Mr. JB and I love him. They were the couple that we travelled France with last summer so we get along great.
But yet again I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I kept on waking up last night (something that I never do because I sleep like the dead!) thinking, "She's pregnant before me."
Mr. JB told her that I would call her today and I just can't without crying. I don't want to spoil her excitement with my infertility.
Which brings me to another realization: I need to come our of the infertility closet.
My fertile friends don't know that I'm going through this pain. They have no idea that their joyous news hurts me so much. Now, I don't think that I'm going to send them a link to my blog, but some of them need to know.
But how do I tell them? I know that I can't go out to S.tarbucks and tell them over a latte. I don't know if a mass e-mail is going to work. I know I'll break down if I tell them over the phone.
So what to do? How did all of you tell your friends and family? Was it easier after you told them or was it more difficult?
The last thing I want is a pity-party. I'm good at throwing those all by myself.
Advice? Assvice? Help!
Hi My name is Sew, I am infertile, I didn't catch your name? :)
ReplyDeleteThat is how I come out of the closet! hahahaha
I just share it with anyone I meet or know. It's not a secret that I a barren due to the lack of children I have suckling on my tit. So either deal with my infertility of get the heck out of my life. Because right now this is me. Like it or leave it. I have found that the ones that don't really matter in my life leave and the good ones stay. :)
I am the same, I just tell everyone. It is a part of my life everyday, so they had better get used to it. I think a mass email would be a good place to start, and then if anyone has further questions, or the lovely assvice we all get, they can reach out to you.
ReplyDeleteOur close friends have known for a while, mainly through me telling them at strategic points when I felt that I was ready or when I needed support. For those who were farther afield, we finally came clean last December in our holiday letter, but we kept it rather vague.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest telling those who are very close to you in an email - I find that when I tell people in person, they get very sympathetic which is nice, but makes me cry. So, email is great that way in that they can express what they want to say, you can absorb it and cry as needed and then move on.
You can also give them permission to tell some friends with whom you aren't as close. That way, you cover them without having to do the dirty work. :)
Best of luck!
All my friends have known from the beginning. Sometimes I wish I kept the details more personal, but it has helped me to have people know. I wouldn't send them a link to your blog but maybe email them. After they receive all your pain and suffering..you might want them to read your blog. Though I think it is hard when your IRL friends have access to your blog.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hope you are feeling okay. My GI appt went well this morning. I got to decrease my 6MP. YAY!
My troubles w/fertility was given away when i had the first misscarriage. THere was this little girl at my church (my friends daughter) 6 years old now, who would always ask me why I wasn't pregnant or had no children (her mom has 5 in total) since she knew i was married she would always ask me so when I got preggers the first time i was happy to tell her she was happy to hear, but then i had the misscarriage and she found out. the other day she asked came up to me (kids have no filter) and said so your baby died right and is in heaven now right? And I said yes that's right, but because i was waiting to tell her parents until 12weeks i didn't tell her about the child i know carried. I wonder what her reaction will be. I'm going to tell her this saturday, since i see her in church on saturdays. What's my point you as JB.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good that you let your close friends know. I was open about it and remember not everyone will know how to react to it. You may get some unwanted remarks but that's cause they don't know how to handle suffering and they won't be able to understand and they'll want to give you words of courage but won't know how. That's how I felt, i know my friends tried and some failed at it but i didn't hold it against them b/c they just don't know but i knew they had good intentions.
Expect weird remarks from them...
always praying for you!
Courage I'm sure once you tell them you'll be able to ask for more prayers! they'll be able to pray for you (that's all they can really do anyway)
I think email's a good idea. It takes the pressure off both sides, and even if you wind up discussing matters, you've had a chance to say your peace in a careful, thoughtful, somewhat removed way.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can explain some of the medical details if you feel comfortable to avoid any unwittingly stupid assvice from well-meaning friends.
Do you feel okay leaving the door open to talk more? If so, I'd say it. Some folks get all tied up in knots thinking they might inadvertently hurt or offend you.
so no one knows in our world, like yours and I'm fine with it, lots of people like to tell everyone, and some are private. I don't want it to define who i am, so we don't tell people and that is fine with me. If you feel it will help go ahead and tell your friends (I wouldn't do an email as it can be forwarded along).
ReplyDeleteIf I was going to say something I would just say I'm having surgery because we can't have children because of this disease. the end.
People dont' ask us when we are having children, so we dont' really have to deal with that.
hugs to you.
I've done a lot of the things mentioned. I work it into a coversation when I know people are wondering and it fits in - and I make it VERY offhand so they are not under pressure to make any stupid comments. (I.e., oh, sure, we've been trying forever - I'm actually seeing a doctor in ____ now, she's really good; or, I was diagnosed with endo before I was married so they said it might be harder than usual, but we're getting it looked into; or, we're open to life and it will happen in God's time, if I'm feeling vague). I try to make the reveal minimally dramatic so no one offers to hug me, because, let's be honest, I might hit someone.
ReplyDeleteThe other perk of this method is that as you slowly tell people, they talk about you behind your back. Score! Now the people who have heard won't ask "So are you going to have kids soon?" because they know you most likely are not. (You are, obviously.) BUT, they didn't hear it from YOU - so they can't bring it up! Then, if you decide you're willing to deal with a dumb question or two, you can give them a conversational opening at some point, but you don't have to.
So my advice is to tell your friend with the biggest mouth who knows the most people, and specify that it is NOT a secret. (It's not like people can't figure it out!)
Since your big concern right now is the pregnancy announcements, whatever method you use to tell people, I suggest you throw them a bone there. If it were me, I wouldn't want to find out when they were 7 months pregnant, but I also wouldn't want to have to act all giddy in real time. (Actually, I do that really well, but it's an ACT. And it took a while to learn.) So what _I_ would ask for is for people to notify me when they notify everyone else, but do it by email (I might also mention that I don't attend most baby showers but it's not personal). Then you can read the email, swear, eat an entire batch of brownies, kick the couch, refuse to reply for 36 hours, and then respond, "I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Congratulations!" and not speak to them for nine months.
Just my $.02.
Believe it or not, I forgot something. I would mention that you're seeing a SPECIALIST in the very first sentence (and be prepared to repeat it three or four times). Because my homicidal instincts are truly sharpened when people offer me outlandish (or any) medical advice, and THEY ALL DO. It's like some sort of Pavlovian thing.
ReplyDeleteEveryone in our world knows. I got sick of hearing "you have been married for x number of years" or "you aren't getting any younger" and "what are you waiting for?" and it was making me crazy. So we told. I don't discuss basics of when we are going through treatment. But everyone knows we are infertile.
ReplyDeleteIt made things easier. The questions stopped. And if I am not thrilled about announcements and babies, nobody gives me a hard time. I have skipped baby showers without any grief.
(Oh, and last Saturday, I did get an announcement from my SIL. I am still fuming about the lack of sensitivity. She pulled out an ultrasound picture at a table full of people and tells me I am going to be an aunt. She knows what we have gone through. I would have appreciated some sensitivity from her. But I guess you win some, you loose some.)
And it has taken me close to an hour to type this comment. The phone won't quit ringing. So if it doesn't make sense, ignore me. :)
We didn't tell that many people. A few family members and a few very close friends were all that knew how hard we were trying, and most of those only knew after it had been over a year. I was ready to ask my friends that knew though, to explain to the other girls why I wasn't at certain functions. There have been a lot of babies in our group lately and it was just getting to the point where I'd be too overwhelmed.. but then we finally succeeded. But I was going to have my good friends tell the other girls that it was just really hard for me and not about them at all.. that I was still happy for them but it just reminded me of the pain of not having it.
ReplyDeleteNow my DH has been telling everyone how it took us so long and what a miracle it was!! Honestly, everyone has been really supportive -- some people said they understood why we hadn't said anything, others apologized in case they had said something hurtful or offensive unintentionally, and others wished we had said something so they could have been there. It kind of made me wish I had opened up to people during the hard times.
One thing I've done when I've had to announce we're pregnant -- from being on the other end -- is be as sensitive as I can. One friend I e-mailed.. it hasn't been a year yet but I know she's anxious, and in the e-mail I told her it was easier for me to get announcements via e-mail. For another couple who had recently miscarried, my DH talked to the husband, because they are closer. He opened up about our struggles and our pain over the months and months and his friend was able to share his pain, too.
Really, it's up to you. But like I said earlier, I kind of wished I had spoken up earlier because I think some people would have surprised us (in a good way) with their support -- and that's something we really need.
My family, close friends and some work friends know. We have been going through so much the last 4 years (surgeries, trips to NYC, etc.) that some people had to know. But it is something that I NEVER post about on fbook.
ReplyDelete