Tissues at the ready...

The perfect movie for a rainy Sunday afternoon for a woman that is so ready to adopt...

Good thing I bought a bunch of tissue at Cost.co this past week.

Home

I have blogged before about the importance of music in my life.  And this morning, the message in this song hit particularly close to home. Listen to the lyrics, they fit the adoption journey so well!

We finished our P.RIDE training yesterday and I feel so excited about this new step in our life. I have to admit that the arrival of CD1 barely crossed my emotional radar -- I haven't felt this relaxed about AF arriving since before my surgeries!

Mr. JB and I are almost certain that we are going to pursue public domestic adoption through the C.AS, something that we started talking about a few years ago, before we started down the route of my multiple surgeries.  What helped solidify our decision was a family that came to speak to us. They had undergone fertility treatments which resulted in a stillbirth, so they had decided to pursue international adoption.

Unfortunately, after all their paperwork (and most likely, a lot of money) they discovered that they wouldn't be able to continue with their adoption because the husband had suffered from cancer. Soon after their failed attempt they started the process with C.AS and within a year and a half they adopted three siblings! Two out of their three adopted children were present and they looked so happy and well-adjusted. The most heart-warming part of their story was that they miraculously became pg (yes, the "if you adopt you get pg cure to IF!").  Their older children were over the moon at the arrival of their new sister and the eldest child decided to stay home with the baby rather than speak to us -- something completely understandable!

Mr. JB and I are definitely open to sibling groups, although we don't have room for more than two children in our current home. Then again, bunk beds are always an option!

Our next step is finding a social worker to get our homestudy done. That e-mail is going to get sent tomorrow.

For the first time in a very long time my heart feels at peace. God is leading us down this path and I feel His hand steering us the entire way. 

Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!

Changing my heart...

Our first weekend of P.RIDE training went well. The first day was overwhelming, but I'm so glad that we are taking the course. From what we can guess, there is only one non-IF couple in the class with us! 

After the first day I was almost 100% certain that we were going to pursue international adoption, but yesterday there was a guest speaker that planted another seed. She said that the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety is looking for mixed race couples, particularly Caucasian/Asian and Caucasian/Black couples. Apparently there aren't a lot of biracial couples that are looking to adopt! 

The CAS adoption is definitely attractive for one big reason: cost. There isn't one (although we decided to pay for our adoption training and most likely will be paying for our own home study -- I'm done with waiting!!). It would also help with my plan to be a stay-at-home mom AND we do have the HUGE debt we are still paying off to Omaha. 

I am definitely excited by the new options. I have felt so frustrated at the doors that seem to have been closing for us, this weekend just showed us that there are more avenues that we can pursue to become parents!

I also know that I am going to need to do some therapy before we go too far into our new journey. I haven't gotten past the anger of IF and I want to be able to work through those feelings. I knew that the time was coming, and we talked about all the feelings of loss that adoption can bring about. I am tired of carrying the weight of my sadness around. 

So there we are. I can't wait until next weekend. It definitely is a big perk being an educator since we seemed to know so many of the answers!

Shifting Focus

I apologize for my blogging absence, but I've needed to step away from computer to preserve my sanity. It also doesn't help that I am so exhausted from teaching that I can barely stay up past 9:30pm.

I also apologize for being so vague in my last post.  We sent off our application and fee for our P.RIDE training and we're doing our course this weekend and next. I have many mixed emotions about our next step, and I promise a more detailed post when I can wrap my head around everything.

So, I will leave you some musical inspiration. We've been on a Mumford and Sons kick in the JellyBelly household. It hit me the other day that I'm entering a new season of waiting, and this song just fit.

The Envelope

...that will (start the) change our lives.

It seems like everything in my life is saying no to me.

I wish that I could return to the blogworld with happy news, or even a more positive outlook.

But I can't.

And I'm worried that if I don't return to blogging that I will lose my mind.

So here I am, after almost a month away -- which I needed. My mental state needed the break, and I was feeling so low and angry that I didn't want to sully the internets with my negativity.

Btw, the situation that I asked for all of you to pray for is getting better. I couldn't decide whether or not to share what was going on (another excuse as to why I took my break), and after much prayer and contemplation I decided that I'm not going to. The situation is better and I know that your prayers helped. Maybe one day I will be ready to blog about it, but right now I can't.

You can probably guess from the tone of this post that my trigger cycle didn't result in a miraculous pregnancy. That cycle only got to Peak +9 -- yes, even with progesterone supplementation. I decided that since my luteal phase was so short that I would take the next cycle off and I'm P+10 of my break cycle number one.

I really needed the break.

And it seems as though my break is going to be a little longer since we got some more bad results today at the doctor's office.

Not only is my AMH level really low (it's 0.16ng/mL where it needs to be more than 0.69 to be considered normal), but now Mr. JB's most recent seminal fluid analysis was not good. In fact, it was horrible. His count was low, there wasn't any motility and the morphology was only 61%.

Despite all of this, our Napro doctor isn't sounding the alarm. She wants me to take two more months off, so no trigger shots and just post-Peak HCG for me since my PMS has been so bad that I fear for the lives of those close to me. She wants us to repeat the SFA in six weeks (which I'm sure will come out normal, Mr. JB has done five other SFA's and they were all normal).

On our way home I admitted to Mr. JB that I think that God does not want us to be biological parents. All factors are pointing to no, there is not denying it. I have low ovarian reserve and now we have no sperm. I honestly felt like God was kicking me in the teeth.

And for the first time in a LONG time, IF brought me to tears.

Thank God for big, dark sunglasses.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. Mr. JB and I feel like we've been completely abandoned. It's hard to admit it, but I can barely pray anymore. I'm going through the motions and I'm just not feeling it.

In the past month I've had a failed cycle, my best friend moved away, and we started school (thank God, my class is so good!). I'm not even going to get into the labour unrest for our province's teachers. I can't barely watch the news or read the paper because it stresses me out so much.

I keep telling myself that I've had almost a year of pain-free living. I am so grateful for having that, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it isn't enough.

I am so grateful for your prayers, your comments and your e-mails. The blogging community has been such a blessing. I hope that this phase passes with my whole self intact. Unfortunately, I know that it isn't going to be pretty. 

Yet another prayer request

I feel like all I've been doing is ask for prayers.

I'm sorry to be vague, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around this latest stumbling block in our lives, and this time it has nothing to do with my ladyparts.

I promise more details when I am able. For now, I need to prepare for a workshop I'm teaching tomorrow and Wednesday and I need to be at the top of my game.

Please, please pray for us.

Could you watch this movie?

It seems like IF has been Disn.ey-fied.

I saw the preview for this film and I was instantly intrigued.

So, could you watch it?

p.s. This 2WW sucks. Big, fat donkey balls.

St. Rita, Pray for Us!

This image of St. Rita is going to be on the façade of the altar in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel at St. Rita's Shrine

A relic (which I believe is her skin)

        















So, here goes nothing, or everything -- it just depends on how you look at it.

I've been trying not to think about what may happen after this trigger shot. I have already convinced myself that it isn't going to work -- not the best way to look at things, I know.

I also don't think that it's a coincidence that I finished a novena to St. Maximilian Kolbe AND I'm finishing my consecration to Mary tomorrow.

No, I don't believe in coincidences. God-incidences, however, I believe in 150%.

I'm trying so hard to surrender my fear and trust.

I guess we'll see how I actually do in about two weeks.

St. Rita, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, Sts. Anne and Joachim, St. Jude, pray for us!!!

---------------------------------
Post-trigger shot update: I couldn't use the HUGE needle that our Napro doctor gave us to do the shot, so Mr. JB and I used two of my regular HCG needles. It took multiple tries since I'm more than a little scared of needles, but it's done. Ouch!

I'm still here...

...but I've been on full vacation mode (Here I am enjoying a cherry ice with my feet in the fountain in Philly). 

I would like to thank those of you that are praying the St. Rita Novena on my behalf (and on the behalf of all the other IF'ers still in waiting). We visited the National Shrine of St. Rita Cascia and I prayed for all of my IF sisters, as well as Mrs. Hebrews' baby Claire. I left our intentions beside her relics and I lit a candle for all of you. Mrs. Hebrews and I are going to say the novena one extra day to cover trigger day, I would love it if you joined us!

I'm trying my hardest to not think about our trigger shot on the 14th, although it's hard not to. I'm not looking forward to having to inject myself in a hotel room in Pitts.burg (we decided to visit so Mr. JB can see the city where his beloved St.eelers play!). We also wanted to hit the outlet mall in Gro.ve C.ity since we are both quite disappointed with the shopping here in William.sburg.

I've had two highlights to our trip, thus far. Mr. JB and I had breakfast with Karey and her beautiful family. Clara is even cuter in person and she has to be the friendliest toddler that I have ever met! I have been called the "baby whisperer" more than once, but I've never had a child jump into my arms five seconds after meeting her! It always gives me hope to see a former IF buddy with their family!

This morning we attended mass at the most beautiful parish. We had driven by the sign in our travels, but we had no idea how beautiful the grounds were AND how large the parking lot was. Mr. JB and I have visited a lot of churches in our time and we have never seen such a sight. To top it off there was a police officer directing traffic into the parking lot! He saluted every car that drove in and out! So cool!

I've enjoyed being super lazy during our stay in Vi.rginia. I've barely read and I've slept in every morning. I even ate lunch in my pyjamas yesterday! I had a long, hard school year and I want to make sure that I'm rested for the new kiddos!

So, I'm going to stop "working" so hard so I can get into my comfies to watch the closing ceremonies of the Olym.pics. I don't want to get over-tired!