Bring on the big guns!

CD1

Sorry TCIE, maybe next month.

Mr. JB is filling the prescription for F.emara after school. 

And really, with my fertile days falling over the Christmas holidays (while at my father-in-law's house) we didn't try our hardest. 

I'm putting on a brave face. 

I have to.

The bell is going to ring in 15 minutes and I'm not allowed to be a miserable infertile at work. 

Is there an Academy Award for the performance I'm giving?

Patience

I've blogged many, many time about my lack of patience.

In almost four and a half years of IF I've waited, it seems, FOREVER.

I'm Peak +13 (13 DPO) today. 

So I'm waiting to see what comes of this cycle (but since I had such crazy bleeding around ovulation, I figure that it is definitely a bust).

I'm waiting to hear back from the person that can book our flight to Arizona (how long does it take to look into plane tickets? I e-mailed her yesterday at noon and I still haven't heard anything!).

I'm waiting for warm weather (it so cold outside! I was just out on recess duty and I thought I was going to freeze to death!).

I'm so tired of having to be patient.

I so want my wait to be over. 

I want it to be my turn to be a mommy.

But it isn't my decision.

I have to be patient. 

Thank God there is chocolate in my desk. 

Aptly Named

I'm referring to my "frustrated musings."

We had another bad news free day. In fact, my work day was quite good. I only had to teach half a day because we had an afternoon for planning. I love having the afternoon to work in my classroom! It is amazing that I stay late almost every day and am at work early every day, but there always a TON to do!

We finally spoke to our relatives in Arizona over the weekend and we've made plans to visit them over our March Break. Considering that the first two weeks of January have been challenging, we're going to need a vacation by the middle of March!

Last July Mr. JB and I bought a time share from a very large vacation ownership company. One of the perks that we received when we signed on the bottom line was a $1000 credit towards air fare. So I thought that it would be pretty painless when I called the company to book our tickets.

Alas, I was VERY wrong.

I spent an hour and a half on the phone and then had to hand it over to Mr. JB because I was about to lose my mind! We spoke to almost a dozen people and NO ONE COULD HELP US!

I ended up e-mailing a very long e-mail to one of the people that sold our time share to us. It took until the second last person to tell us that they weren't able to help us and we had to contact our home resort.

Argh.

The incompetence of customer service representatives just boggles my mind!

I know that my patience is running low since I'm on CD28 and I'm all hormonal (although not as bad as last month on the vaginal progesterone). My boobs are sore and all I want to do is eat salty things or chocolate. I also could barely get up this morning despite getting a full night sleep and taking a two hour nap yesterday!

In the grand scheme of things, all of this vacation business is very small in comparison to all of the illness in my family. I feel quite fortunate to be complaining about something so insignificant.

So there.

Ho Hum.... *Updated with blog give-away winner

First off, thank you so much for your prayers and support.

Thankfully we didn't any phone calls with bad news today.

Understandably I've been feeling really down. I stayed close to home and only left the house to attend mass. Mr. JB was running a movie afternoon with the K.nights of C.olumbus so I was home alone for most of the afternoon.

I took down the Christmas decorations today and the house is looking a little sad. Aside from all of the bad news, I always feel like I mourn the end of the Christmas season. Winter in Canada may be beautiful, but it is LONG and VERY cold and the end of Christmas usually means three or four more months of cold, cloudy days.

In cycle news: I finished my HCG injections last night. Today is Peak +10 (10DPO) and I finally have green stickers! Yay! My bbs started to feel sore yesterday and I'm EXHAUSTED! All par for the course at the end of my cycle.

I decided to fill my prescription for F.emara for the start of my next cycle. I'm also going to take the mucous enhancers that my Napro doctor prescribed for me before my surgeries. I don't want to have to wait until February 8th when I see her to hear that I can do both! I don't have time to waste!!!

Btw, I'm going to do the draw for my blog give-away this evening. I apologize again for the delay!

p.s. Not everything was completely sad yesterday. I found some delicious gluten-free breads at my local health food store. I got bagels, pizza crusts and a baguette! So tasty!

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Congratulations to Joy Behind the Cross! Mr. JB picked your name out of the winter toque. Please send me a message at jellybelly_75 at yahoo dot com with your address so I can get the Plain White Box in the mail to you!!

Bad things definitely come in threes

I wish I was posting with more uplifting news, but I'm not.

Remember Mr. JB's uncle that was rushed to hospital last week because his kidneys shut down?

Well his health problems don't end there.

Mr. JB just got off the phone with his dad (who is feeling pretty good, btw) and he found out that Uncle R is also full of cancer.

The doctors don't expect him to last the week.

His daughter is returning from out west where she just flew back to on the 2nd.

We have a very hard time believing that Uncle R didn't know about the cancer. He sees many, many specialists for his diabetes and other health issues. It wouldn't be this advanced if the disease just started.

Apparently he has some sort of death wish.

I feel completely shell-shocked.

Please pray, please think positive thoughts and send them in our direction.

I'm just about ready to curl up into the fetal position and cry.

I'm done.

And this time it has nothing to do with my infertility.

Throw us a bone Lord!

We just got some bad news.

A friend of Mr. JB's just passed away from cancer. She was 39 with two little kids. Needless to say, Mr. JB is quite shaken up.

Please pray for her family, especially her husband and children.

Also we just found out that my father-in-law's girlfriend has a huge blood clot in her brain, she hasn't had a stroke. Apparently, the initial diagnosis was completely wrong. The reason why her condition has been deteriorating so quickly is that her brain isn't getting enough blood. She's moving into assisted living on Saturday, and it doesn't seem like it's not a moment too soon.

It's been a little bit of a stressful week at casa JellyBelly.

We'll do the draw tomorrow or Friday.

Sorry!

p.s. In happier news, All You Who Hope picked up her baby today. Go over there and wish her congratulations!

Brimming over

There's been so much excitement in the bloggosphere.

My buddy All You Who Hope is en route to picking up her baby girl. LifeHopes is counting the days until her baby girl is born. My friends, Living Advent, Finding Joy in Every Journey and Journey of One Couples Hopes to Have a Baby are all pregnant. And my crazy friend (I mean that with much love Sew!) Sew Infertile is getting her heart and home ready for foster care.

Honestly girls, did we actually think that this was possible so soon?

I keep reminding myself that it is also going to happen for me, but the timing isn't mine. I'm not in control and that there is a perfect plan for me as well.

All of this good fortune has given me hope, and hope is definitely something that I'm in need of.

My father-in-law started radiation yesterday. He's feeling pretty good and he doesn't expect to feel any ill-effects until about three weeks into his treatment. He has a buddy that lives in the same village that is taking him into the city (not the one we live in, but one closer to him) for his treatments. Mr. JB and I are so relieved that he doesn't have to be alone.

We got some more bad news. My FIL's girlfriend saw a specialist today (in the same city where he is having his treatment, but not at the same hospital) and it seems like the small-town doctor that diagnosed her with mini-strokes (or TIA's as they're called) was wrong. She's actually had a major stroke which explains why she has deteriorated so quickly since the summer. Over the Christmas holidays she was so confused, much more so that she was at Canadian Thanksgiving. The new specialist has changed her medicine and her family has sped up her transition to assisted living. The last thing that Mr. JB and I want is my FIL having to take care of her while he's undergoing radiation!

And if that isn't enough, Mr. JB's uncle was rushed to the hospital via ambulance because his kidneys have shut down. He has diabetes and is in pretty bad health. He's on dialysis right now and we don't know how long he's going to be hospitalized.

On a brighter note, my parents left for their holiday last night. They're gone for six weeks! My dad hasn't been back to his homeland since my grandmother passed away in 1998! He was so excited and that's pretty big for a guy that hates to travel.

Please keep my family members in your prayers. It's so hard to see your loved ones age and get sick. It frightens me to think of what is ahead.

p.s. The spotting stopped. I have no idea what is going on!

p. p.s. Tomorrow is the last day to enter my blog give-away. See my post from January 3rd if you haven't entered yet!

Okay ladyparts, what is up with you????

It's CD21.

And guess what, I spotted very light brown all day.

WTF?

I've been feeling strange crampiness all day.

According to my strange chart my peak day was the 31st -- I also had very light spotting that night (we also "used a day of fertility on the 30th, when the spotting started). I also think that I felt myself ovulate at about 10pm. It was the strangest thing. A very sharp, short pain in my right side, but really who knows!

I started the HCG injections last night which were remarkably painless. Mr. JB was WAY more stressed out than I was!

This cycle is definitely a bust.

My chart looks like it did when I started charting two years ago and before any hormone therapy or surgery!

I have a prescription for F.emara that my Napro doc gave me in January. Should I start taking it, or should I wait until I see her on February 8th. I'm feeling like I don't have any time to waste!

Help!

p.s. If you want to enter my blog give-away please leave a comment on my post from the 3rd. Only two days left!

The "Better Late Than Never" Blog Give-away

I got the Plain White Box from my IRL blog friend, My Reality (who just had a beautiful baby girl on December 27th! Woot! Woot!) way back in November.

Now, I know that I was supposed to pass it along quickly, but my life was crazy busy (remember, I was growing an abscess, writing report cards, waiting for my period, conducting parent-teacher interviews and then Christmas happened!) and I kept on thinking that I would find time to post about it.

My Reality filled the Plain White Box with many, many cool things. I got some cute little notebooks (the flowery one is going in my purse for tomorrow!), slipper socks, Jelly Belly jelly beans, a lovely candle holder (that is in a place of honour in my bedroom) and some rockin' K.iss M.y F.ace lotion that lives in my yoga bag.

I've put some goodies of my own in the box, but I will add a few personalized things once the blogger is chosen.

So if you're interested in receiving the Plain White Box just leave a comment before January 6th. I'll put all of your names in a snugly winter hat (or touque as us Canucks call 'em) and Mr. JB will choose who the box will go to!

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I'm feeling more than a little anxious about going back to work. I feel like I haven't gotten enough rest (although I've napped like a champ and slept in like crazy, the benefits of being barren!). I'd love to just go to work and hang out with the kiddies, but I don't think that their parents would be happy that my curriculum would consist of playing freeze-dance and reading stories!

I start my HCG injections tonight. Mr. JB told me earlier that he's anxious about it, which is so strange since I'm the one that is scared of needles! I can't wait to have a normal amount of hormone in my body. The progesterone suppositories SUCKED!

Dear 2010...

Dear 2010,

Hi, how are you? You're almost 24 hours old and I figured that I should take an opportunity to introduce myself.

But before I do that, I really have to admit something. I didn't really like 2009. It was a tough year. Not only did I have a class of crazies, well a handful of crazies and even more frustrating parents, but I had a difficult year health-wise. In eight months I was in the hospital three times! As much as I love my province's health care system, I really don't want to see a hospital for a long time (except to give birth, but I think that's understood!).

2009 was also a time of waiting. I waited to see a specialist, I waited for surgery, and I waited for my period to come.

And I also continued to wait for my BFP.

So I'm not going to beat around the bush here 2010. I'm tired of waiting. I really want a baby. Like ASAP.

I'm trying not to freak out about turning 35 in a few weeks, but time is of the essence here 2010. I want to be a mama, pronto. And most of all, I want Mr. JB to be a dad. He's waited a long time and he's been so patient. He was such an amazing caretaker while I was recovering from my surgeries and the abscess my posterior cul de sac decided to grow. The poor guy deserves to be a daddy, please don't make him wait much longer.

So 2010, I hope that you're a kinder, gentler year, not just for me, but for all of my blog friends. There are so many of us that have waited to be mothers and frankly, they shouldn't have to wait much longer as well.

I promise to continue to be the best person that I can be. I will also try to focus my energies on things that I enjoy doing, not just feel obligated to do. I also promise to try new things (mainly different yoga classes, I know that it's okay to attend classes of teachers that I know and like, but I should also give new teachers a chance too). I will also try to let go of so much of the anger that I have in my heart. I know that much of it is self-blame, so I need to learn how to forgive myself.

2010, I'm going to try to believe that my infertility is not my fault.

That's my biggest resolution.

And most of all 2010, I'm going to enjoy my life. I have so many blessings: a wonderful husband, a rewarding career, a lovely home, supportive friends (in real life and in the bloggosphere) and a wonderful family. I need to surrender the anger in my heart and I must embrace the good. And most of all, I have to trust God's plan for me. I can't rush my life and I know that motherhood will come when it is meant to be.

2010 I am so excited to meet you. I am so hopeful for the possibilities that I will encounter in this new decade. The first 10 years of the 2000's were pretty crazy! I don't know how you're going to top moving to France, moving back to Canada, becoming a teaching, meeting Mr. JB, buying a house and getting married!

So I'm going to wrap up now. I'm sure that we'll talk soon. I promise to write back soon and don't worry, I'll be in touch before the end of the year!

Love,
JellyBelly