Signs?

I saw 10KL (clear and stretchy) cervical mucous today. I was in the washroom in the staff room so I hope that no one heard my yelp of joy.

So I guess that it was ovulation pain that I felt yesterday. I'm pretty rusty on the Creighton charting, but I knew right away that it was 10KL. And it was only once today.

Okay Aunt Flo, I'm ready for you. Can you show up already?????

What was that?

I just felt some pain in my lower right side. Could it be ovulation? Or perhaps it's just my belly digesting the Thanksgiving leftovers we had for dinner.

I must sound like a broken record, but I can't help it.

AUNT FLO WHERE ARE YOU?????

p.s. I put away all of the sandals and summer clothes. Our furnace is on and I wore a winter coat (although it was a thin one) to school today. Although winter is my favourite season, I'm just not ready yet!

Thankfulness

I wish that I felt a little more thankful. We celebrated Thanksgiving this weekend and I am so glad that we had a long weekend, but other than that I'm feeling blah.

I've convinced myself that I'm suffering from PMS. I've been tired and irritable, both of which are classic PMS symptoms for me. I also devoured a ton of chocolate when we got home from Mr. JB's dad's place, which is definitely something very common for me when I'm anticipating Aunt Flo.

Our weekend was pretty quiet. Mr. JB's dad's girlfriend was with her family celebrating Thanksgiving so it was a stress-free weekend. I love spending time with my father and brother-in-law, especially when she's not around. We visited with one of Mr. JB's uncles and his family and one of the cousins moved my vest to see if I was growing a belly. I wanted to kick him, but I refrained. There were a couple of comments from his cousins, "So how long have you two been married?" "No kids yet?" The typical, nosy family stuff. I'm assuming that the gossip about my surgeries and my last hospital stay didn't make it to their side of the village.

Mr. JB and I stopped by a pumpkin patch to get some goodies for our house. It was tough to see the families and their little kids running around. We picked our pumpkins, I always want to get three for our front porch, and got out of there quickly.

I'm back to feeling numb. Perhaps the sadness will come back when my period comes back and we start TTC again. Or maybe not. I do have to say that I'm getting tired of spinning my wheels and waiting.

Aunt Flo where are you????

p.s. My brother-in-law made gluten-free stuffing and gravy for me and it was delicious! The best thing about Thanksgiving is the left-overs!

Ouchie

I've been feeling some strange pain in my pelvis. It isn't the same pain that I felt when Mr. JB rushed me to the hospital a few weeks ago. I'm pretty convinced that it isn't the same pain as I had with the abscess. I'm sore in the front part of the lower pelvis.

Perhaps it's my ladyparts waking up from their estrogen-deprived slumber. Perhaps it's just healing pain. I have no idea.

I shouldn't worry too much about it being abscess-related. The antibiotics that I'm taking should kill anything bad that's growing inside of me. The one thing that I got out of my wasted trip to my surgeon was that my meds are REALLY strong.

What I am noticing is that I have more cervical mucus and I'm also feeling like how I used to when I am about to get my period. I've been feeling so tired despite sleeping enough at night. I had to drag myself off of the couch so I could make dinner. I'm usually someone with quite a bit of gitty-up, if you know what I mean.

Am I premenstrual? Am I coming off of the L.upron? Any advice or opinions would be appreciated.

p.s. I took my car in for an oil change today and the mechanic checked my engine light (it's been on since the end of August). I also had some work that I deferred a couple of months ago because we just couldn't afford it. Today's price tag was $1500. Ouchie again!

A little confession

I went to dinner with my former colleagues on Friday night. One of the girls had her newborn with her and I couldn't even look at the baby. I had an even harder time pretending that all was well and that my friend, who decided after six years of marriage and constant assertions that she was too selfish to be a mom, got pregnant soon after she started TTC.

I guess that the bitterness that has been masked by all of my recent health issues is not too far from the surface.

Babies are hard to take, especially newborns. I don't have the same feelings around older kids.

Still praying for Aunt Flo to show up. I would really like her to arrive so we can get this show on the road!

Then again, we've been trying for four years and three months, what's another couple of weeks?

Right?

Where did September go?

I finally tackled the walk-in closet reorganization. I realize that I did have a pretty good excuse as to why it took almost a month to do, but the chaos in our closet was driving me nuts. I can't believe how many clothes I have to give away!

It took me a couple of days to stop being angry. Mr. JB has not seen me that upset in a very long time. I do wish that I could have gotten some good news from my doctor, but I guess I just have to trust my instincts. I have been feeling some strange pangs in my pelvis. It could be related to digestive issues -- I do have colitis -- or something related to my surgery. I have noticed that I do have more cervical mucous, but it isn't like it was pre-L.upron. I got my last dose of the lovely menopause-inducing drug on August 21st so my period can happen any time.

I feel like the girl in "Are you there God, it's me Margaret." I have never wanted my period to come so badly! I feel ready to get back on the TTC train. I want the drugs, the needles and the charting back! And yes, the end to hot flashes would be really great too!

My brain is slowly going to mush. I have to go to bed.

Livid

I've been trying to cool off for the past couple of hours. I don't know whether to cry or punch someone out.

So today was a half day for the kids. I conveniently scheduled my follow-up with my surgeon for this afternoon so I didn't have to call in a supply teacher. I left the school at 2pm so I could get to my appointment in the city at 3pm. Lucky for me there was no traffic and I made it to the office by 2:45. The wait was long (it always is), but I brought a good book to read. I was even happy to find a free chair in the waiting area.

That's when the goodness stopped.

When the doctor finally called me into his exam room he asked me if I had gotten my period. When I saw him in August that was the plan. I would make an appointment when I got my period. He seemed to have no recollection of the fact that I was hospitalized two weeks ago. I reminded him and asked if he had received a copy of my last cat scan, which he didn't. Now I thought that two weeks was long enough for the results of my last scan to make it to his office. In an era of fax machines and internet I didn't think that it would be so difficult.

Alas I was wrong.

I asked him if the abscess is going to affect my fertility, but he said that he wouldn't know until we started trying.

So basically I wasted my afternoon, missed my favourite yoga class and I have no idea if my abscess has resolved itself.

Craptastic.

Now if I didn't have to drive to the city and pay for parking and then get stuck in rush hour traffic perhaps I wouldn't be so pissed off.

I feel like I've been given the mother lode of bad luck lately. When I got into the car I just started getting angry at God. I just don't get it. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hot flashes, the incision pain, the antibiotics and most of all infertility.

I have carried this cross for over four years. I hate it that I have to see so many doctors. I hate it that I have to be poked and prodded. I'm tired of taking blood tests and taking medications.

So I have to go for an ultrasound on the 22nd and then I see my surgeon right after. Then I see the infectious disease doctor and my Napro doctor on the 26th.

Was getting some sort of reassurance too much to ask?

Argh.

A Quickie

So I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I really hope that the last cat scan that I got last week is going to show that the abscess has resolved itself. I'm trying not to worry about the implications of having an infection in my ladyparts. I just need to hear that my fertility wasn't affected from my last health episode.

Okay, now I'm going to distract myself with the newest episode of G.lee. It's my new favourite show!

p.s. It's gotten so cold in the past couple of days that I'm wearing polar fleece, socks and flannel pyjamas! EEEK!

Listening

I just got home from getting a Thai yoga massage. One of my yoga friends is doing her training and she needed some guinea pigs and of course I signed up! The massage was at least an hour and a half and I was so relaxed at the end that I could've just slept on the mat until morning.

I've been having a really hard time with my body and the healing process. For some reason I expected to have my pre-surgery body back by the time I went back to school. I know that I pushed myself too hard and that I should've taken it easier. I know that I can't blame myself for the abscess and my last stint in the hospital, but it's obvious that I just need to chill out.

I wish that I could just bounce back and go back to doing level 2 yoga classes. At the back of my mind I'm worried that I'm going to get all flabby from the lack of exercise which I know that is completely irrational. I also have to stop giving my body deadlines. I have to stop thinking, "In October I'll be able to go back to my yoga practice." I should be taking advantage of the restorative yoga and yin classes that my studio offers.

I'm not good at being patient and the past four years of infertility have definitely made waiting that much harder.

I wish that it was easier to just take care of myself and rest. If only my mind had a pause button....

Wiped Out

Mentally I'm doing better. Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. Although going back to work has me in an exhausted state, I'm so glad that I'm back in the land of the living. When my class saw me on Tuesday morning they started to jump up and down. They were so excited to see me. I told them that I cried every day when I was in the hospital because I missed them so much, but I don't know if their 6 year old brains could process that.

Tuesday was a really long day because we had our Open House and Barbecue. All of the parents in my class came, with the exception of one who's kid was sick. Most of them asked me how I was doing and I gave them a vague explanation of what happened to me. One mom told me that her son was so upset that I wasn't at school that he threw up and that he didn't want to go to school because I wasn't there.

I've only worked a total of 8 school days and I'm completely exhausted. I had plans to tackle our walk-in closet for the fourth weekend in a row and I can't even imagine having the energy to do it. We had a function at church last night and I had to take a nap after to school in order to go to it. I didn't get up until 9:30am and I feel asleep at about 11pm. I was so out of it that I slept on the couch until 5am! I have to pick up the adrenal supplement that my naturopath prescribed to me. I haven't felt this tired in so long and I know that the supplements will help.

Health wise I'm feeling better. My incision was bothering me yesterday but I think it was because I was so tired. The swelling in my belly has gone down considerably and I can button up my pants for the first time since my laparatomy. The B.ella B.and was helping, but it's nice to be able to wear my clothes properly! I'm really looking forward to seeing my surgeon on Thursday. Hopefully he can shed some light on my abscess.

I've also noticed that my L.upron-related side effects are starting to subside. I'm not having as many hot flashes which is such a relief. It also helps that we've had cooler weather around here. I've also noticed a lot more cervical mucous. I've been pretty much dry as the desert since my first dose of L.upron in May so it looks like my ladyparts are starting to wake up. I have no idea when my period is going to come, but I suspect that it will be sometime later in October, but we'll see.

I guess that I have to listen to the cues that my body is giving me. I can't push myself too hard. Mr. JB is heading to a hockey game tonight so I'll have the house all to myself to watch girlie things on TV without interruption! Sounds like a pretty good night to me!