I really don't like being barren

I've been laying low since the start of the school year for many reasons.

1) I've been so exhausted from chasing after 23 grade one students that I can barely see straight, let alone write blog posts.

2) I've been busy planning and adapting English worksheets for my class in the evenings.

3) I thought that perhaps just this once, I may have gotten pregnant.

For the first time since we started going to the Marguerite Bourgeoys Family Centre my body has finally stopped doing all the things that it wasn't supposed to. Since starting my HCG shots in August (which I bravely administered, despite my fear of needles), I had a normal seven day long period. I also didn't have any brown bleeding two months in a row. I ovulated on day 14 and had a luteal phase that lasted 14 days. We even made whoopy on the day that I ovulated.

I thought, naively, that we did all the right things.

Alas, yet again, I was wrong.

I was hoping that this month I would have good news to post. But yet again, I don't.

So all I have is the feel-me-sorries and an empty uterus. I'm not even happy that Mr. JB poured me a big glass of white wine.

I thought that I was used to the disappointment.

Apparently I'm not.

My journal

My kiddies have started writing in their daily journals. Here is my entry for today:

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

1. Today was a better day.

2. My students are starting to behave less like animals.

3. My father-in-law's girlfriend is crazy.

4. My mom is being less crazy.

5. I gave myself a needle last night and was so tired that I didn't have time to be scared.

6. It's sad that some students only respond to yelling.

7. I don't like to yell.

8. My teaching partner yells all the time.

9. I'm not ready to put on socks, but it's getting too cool to not wear them.

10. Thank God for yoga.

I tried to be as neat as possible and I used my index finger to space out the words. Hopefully I get a sticker!

Full to overflowing

First off, I apologize that I have been absent from the bloggosphere. I've tried hard to keep up with the IF world since school has started, but the little buggers are running me ragged and I can barely keep my eyes open past 9pm. I had no idea that the learning curve from grades five and six to grade one would be this steep! I also fear that hanging around 22 six year olds (and soon to be 23 tomorrow morning!) has made clear, linear thought quite difficult. So here's a list of what has been going on in my crazy life since the first day of school, and my there's quite a few reasons to be frustrated!

1. I discovered that despite loving little kids that spending the school day with six year olds is really tiring. Ten years ago this coming January, I taught my first class in grad school as a TA. I remember that I was very scared to face a class of undergrads, but it doesn't compare to the fear I've felt facing my current class. The first couple of days of school I was overcome with regret at leaving my old school and my old position -- a grade that I could teach with my hands tied behind my back and hopping on one foot! But I do have to admit that it's pretty cool to see the little guys learning so quickly. In two weeks they've picked up more French than my junior level classes did in a whole term of school!

2. I've learned that six year olds can be really violent. I've had one particular student in the office every day and the incidents that he's been involved in have been progressively more and more vicious. Mr. JB has nicknamed him Killer K (after the recently deceased wrestler) and frighteningly enough it fits. We started the school year with him hitting kids in the schoolyard to refusing to do work and putting his feet up on his desk! Then last week he threw a kid in grade three down to the ground during recess, a kid that is a head and a half taller than him!

Trying to be proactive, I invited his mom (who I've spoken to every day since the first day of school) to come in so we could discuss his behaviour in hopes of finding a way to work together proactively before things got worse. Unfortunately, the meeting with his parents didn't dissuade Killer K because seventeen minutes before the dismissal bell on Thursday he stabbed a kid in the arm with a pencil. Apparently the other kid got in his way while he was copying off of the board.

Lucky for me my new principal is great and he dealt with Killer K right away. He spoke to Killer's mom right after school (I had to send her to the office since they wouldn't let him go back to class after the incident) and he didn't sugarcoat the situation. The kid will be spending recess in the office tomorrow and hopefully will not maim anyone. I hope.

3. In light of my new job I've also been doubting my effectiveness as a teacher. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself for the behaviours of my students (i.e. their inability to stay still and sit at their desks for more than 2 minutes, and of course, beating one another up!). It took a really good cry last Thursday and a couple of visits to the other grade one teachers to believe that it's the kids, not me. I've adjusted my approach and I've decided to use the "go quiet" approach rather than talk over the kiddies and it seems to be working. There's been a lot getting the kids to put their heads down rather than lecturing them on how to behave. I've also started to tell them that, "It makes Madame sad when you don't listen to her." And it works!

I also have to remember that I have to teach my students how to be grade ones and that they need lots of breaks. I do know that they love to sing and dance, both things that I enjoy doing and that I have to praise them a lot when they do things right.

4. My teaching partner is nuts. She's teaching the other French Immersion class and we're next door to one another. Not only is she way too intense, she spends her day yelling at her class, keeping them in at recess when they don't complete their work (and sometimes when she doesn't finish her lesson, she doesn't let them go outside or let them have their snack!).

I think she's forgotten that most of her class doesn't know how to read when she makes them do activities that are way too complicated (activities that I've adapted to be simpler so my class can feel a sense of some success!). Although we plan together and I've tried to be as diplomatic as possible, she can't seem to recognize that six year olds aren't little robots that will bend to her will.

Last week she even complained that she hated six year olds -- "I hate this age! I hated when my kids were this age!" were her exact words. Now, in the job posting it clearly said grade one French Immersion so most people could surmise that she would be teaching little kids. What frightens me is that she just wants to barrel through her lessons without regard for the needs of her class. I don't have a ton of experience teaching primary aged children, but I can acknowledge when my students need to have some free time. And yes, she's a mom. I honestly thought that someone that has parented two children that were once six years old could be a little more patient.

Oh yeah, she also makes basic mistakes when she speaks French, but I won't get into that here.

It's going to be a long year.

5. I miss my friends from my old school. Although my new staff is really great and supportive (staff that my teaching partner hasn't made an effort to meet, btw), it's been a difficult adjustment. I'm experiencing the growing pains that my class is, but I'm not stabbing anyone in the arm with a pencil!

Friday was a PD day so my girlfriends from my old school paid me a visit Friday afternoon when their meetings were done. They helped me do a couple things in my classroom while I planned with my teaching partner (who seemed kinda pissy that my girlfriends were there, have I mentioned that she's also pretty miserable?). It was fun to show them my new classroom and to see familiar faces. The pedicure also helped my spirits!

6. My back is feeling much better from my fall at the cottage. It took a couple visits to the chiropractor (who I'm making rich with my clumsiness!) and taking it easy at yoga. It was a pretty painful few days of school, but I don't even notice the pain when I'm teaching! I think my body is telling me that I need to take it easy while I'm learning my new position.

7. My cycle seems to have gone back to "normal". My period lasted seven days (down from fourteen a couple of months ago!) and for all of your Creighton Model people out there, I've had three dry days! I've never used so many green stickers! I finished my low dose antibiotics that my doctor put me on for my ureaplasma and aside from the yeast infection, I've really noticed a difference. I've also started taking Low Dose Naltrexone to combat the brown bleeding and spotting. I'm less than a week away from giving myself the HCG injections, but I'm not scared at all since it actually worked! Could we really be almost ready to actually TTC again? It seems like my body is starting to show me that it's ready to actual function the way it's supposed to!

8. I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends from church today. Mr. JB and I returned to our parish to celebrate the blessing of our new statue (the old one was vandalized a couple of years ago and the replacement was just installed and it's beautiful!) since we attended our regular earlier mass. We're become very active members of our church since we were married three years ago -- I'm on a few committees, he's a Knight of Columbus, we're ushers, so we know quite a few people. I was talking to one of my friends from the Social Justice Committee and I joked that we should probably have a baby so we can get out of some of our commitments (this is something that Mr. JB and I have talked about many, many times). Well, my friend B said, "You know only God can make a baby. It took M and I five years to have our first." And the lady that we were standing in said, "Don't worry, you still have time. You've only been trying for three years, you're not ready yet."

I'm taking this as a positive sign.

I really hope that all of my rambling made sense. I send hugs and love to all of you and although I may not be commenting on your blogs, I'm trying my best to keep up.

Now I'm off to plan out some fun math activities! Hopefully this upcoming week will be better than the last two!

p.s. I've recently discovered that I can drink white wine again. I may have been indulging quite a bit since school has started. Woohoo!

p.p.s. The news of Sarah McLachlan's marriage breaking up has gotten me really sad. I think that she's a phenomenal artist. I don't usually get caught up in celebrity romances, but I think it's her Canadian-ness that makes me feel like she's part of my family. Her last studio album, Afterglow, was released around the time I met Mr. JB and it coincided with a really happy time in both of our lives. I wanted our first dance at our wedding to be her song, Push, but we ended up choosing another song. It's too bad that she didn't find her happy ending when I did.

What have I gotten myself into???

One down, 193 to go.

I apologize in advance if this entry makes no sense.

Let me preface this with the fact that I've been a teacher since 1999. I've taught university aged students to pre-schoolers on two continents. But I've never, ever been this tired after one day of school.

One school day with twenty-two six year olds wore me out!

Not only was a attacked by way too many eager parents this morning in the school yard, but I spent more time refereeing little kid behaviour than teaching! I've got a couple of firecrackers that I am sure that are going to make me hoarse on a regular basis and some kids that had no idea that they were in a French Immersion class, let alone a school!

Griping aside, the kids were pretty cute! I've never held hands with students while walking down the hall and I've never had kids fight to get to the front of the line so they could be beside me! I had a couple of little girls give me compliment my clothes, hair, necklace and shoes (they were invading my personal space, but hey, they're six!).

I'm definitely going to miss students that are independent and that don't need me to do everything for them. I also think that the tattle telling is also going to get on my nerves, but nothing can beat the excited little faces that greeted me this morning. The kiddies thought that it was pretty funny when I put up my hand too when I asked who was nervous and scared to come to school. And there are already a couple of kids that I want to hide in my briefcase and take home!

I do know that I'm going to have to go to bed at least two hours earlier since I had to take a nap after school in order to speak in coherent sentences.

My goal for tomorrow is to teach my class not to call me Miss Madame and to keep the kids from eating their lunch at snack time.

Baby steps, yes?

29!!!!

The HCG injections have worked! I'm on cycle day 29 and no sign of AF anywhere! I haven't had a cycle free of brown bleeding in so long I can't even remember when the last one was! So I guess that the needles that I administered myself and the antibiotics for ureaplasma have done their job.

YAY!!!!!!!

So tomorrow marks the end of my summer vacation. I know that I shouldn't complain about going back to work when I've been off since the end of June, but every Labour Day I feel like the summer has gone too fast. I am so glad that we were away for most of July since August was just a blur.

I'm pretty excited about starting my new adventure with little grade ones. I know that it will be a school year full of challenges, but of new experiences. I think that I'm going to have so many funny stories to share -- can you imagine teaching six year olds how to speak French? It's going to be hilarious!

So happy end of summer everyone! Can you see me waving goodbye to my summer vacation?

Capsizing kayaks

It's a gray and rainy on Shingwak Island, so I've spent the morning finishing up the last bits for my class. I've finished labeling and putting together my communication folders for each of the kiddies, and I've start my communication binder. I'm relieved to know that my desk arrived and will be ready to set up on Tuesday morning and that I have enough activities copied for the first couple weeks of school.

I arrived at the island after three and a half hours of very scenic driving down the 401 East. After spending July in Europe I am reminded at how absolutely beautiful Ontario is. I found myself looking at the lush, green trees and marveling at the beauty of it all. We're going on a kayak tour of the 1000 Islands later on in September and I'm looking forward to seeing the leaves change colour.

I started my first full day on the island with quite a bang yesterday. Aside from swimming, there are plenty of other water toys that guests can enjoy. First Mr. JB, fresh from his drive back from NYC, and I paddle boated back to our cars to retrieve my sunglasses then I decided that going on a little kayaking adventure would be the most fun way to spend my time. Little did I know that the kayak in easy reach was not docked in the most convenient place for entry. Since I did kayaking lessons last summer I felt pretty confident that I could get in and paddle away.

Alas I was quite wrong.

I tried to get into the flat-bottomed kayak and immediately started to teeter back and forth. In an effort to steady myself I grabbed onto one of rungs on the bridge to the dock and after about 17 seconds of hanging on for dear life I head the board start to crack. Before I knew it I was in the water. Thank God I put on my life-jacket!

Not to be deterred I decided that I was going to go to the other side of the bridge and try to get in again, and I proceeded to flip the kayak a second time. This time I needed help to empty the kayak of all the water since it was so crazy heavy with all of the water it took on. Thank goodness my best friend's hubby volunteered his water removing expertise or else I would still be scooping water out! I had no idea that there was a valve at the end of the kayak to let all of the water out.

Well, after three tries (and with some assistance) I finally got into the kayak and got to putter around the lake. I almost tipped in when a blood-thirsty deer fly tried to take a chunk out of my leg, but I successfully swatted it away while keeping upright.

After my little jaunt I decided to go for a little dip in the very cold lake which was fun, but kind of slimy. The island is on Pine Lake and has quite a rocky bottom so we have to wear water shoes to avoid injury. The rest of the day was spent lazing around, visiting town for groceries and learning how to play Euchre.

Honestly, I could stay here forever!

So aside from the sore shoulder and the bruised pride, I'm having a great time. I can't say enough about how glad I am to have finished all of my classroom preparations early. I'm thinking that it's going to be a yearly occurrence. I'm trying not to think too hard about the end of the summer and what that means.

On the infertility front: I gave myself the third needle of HCG Wednesday and I will be giving myself the last one tonight. I'm thinking that it's making a difference since my period has not come as of yet. When I was on the oral progesterone my period always came around now, and there's no sign of it. I really hope that these needles are doing their job!

Just cross your fingers that it stops raining so we can go outside!

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Update: I just fell down the stairs and banged my back on some rocks. I haven't been this accident prone in a very long time. OUCH!!!!! I visited my RMT on Monday and she fixed my back all up for the first week of school, I really hope that all of the good stuff didn't get undone by my fall.

Perhaps I do have to go back to the 'burbs...

Two down! Two more to go!

I just gave myself my second HCG shot and it was not as bad as the first. I was in such a rush that I forgot to numb the spot on the left side of my belly with ice. I was so focused about getting the medicine into the syringe that I bent the first needle! It took me two tries to get the needle into my skin, but I almost didn't feel it going in (despite having to watch it go in! eek!).

I do have say that although my doctor said that it wouldn't hurt, I definitely have still have a very, very dull pain on the right side of my belly where I gave myself needle one and I do feel some numbness in the left side as well. I guess that doctors have to say that needles won't hurt even though they always do!

Although I feel very accomplished after administering my first two shots, but I am so glad that Mr. JB will be giving me needles three and four.

I had a good meeting today with the other Immersion teachers. We planned out our first week and I have a clearer vision of how things are going to work with the new class. I also adapted a first day activity that was given to me at a workshop and I passed it out to the others. I'm so glad that instead of worrying about every minute detail (like the other teachers) I'm actually doing something to help the situation. I have never been the calm one in most teaching situations, but I'm so glad that I'm an observer to their madness and not a participant!

I'm so looking forward to Wednesday when I head out to my best friend's family's cottage until Saturday. I'm so happy that I pushed myself to finish up my classroom set-up so I can have some downtime before I set off in my grade one adventure. Maybe getting the next two shots on the idyllic Shingwak (I think that's how they spelled it!) Island, won't make it so painful!

Infertile confessions

In the light of my first injection of HCG last night, I've had some interesting thoughts.

I'm a goal-oriented person, an obsessive list-maker and before all of the infertile business, I was very unfamiliar with failure. We've spent the past three years consumed with trying to make a baby. We went from temperatures, to charting, to Clomid, to a HSG then to an infertility clinic (where I had the joy of the dildocam and blood tests) and acupuncturist then to a NaproTechnology doctor. I have no idea how much money we've spent (I'm scared to do that accounting!) or how much time and emotion we've invested in making our baby JellyBelly.

After three years I've reached a point where I just feel numb. I no longer feel sad when AF arrives and I'm actually not even surprised. I take the drugs that my doctor gives me to lengthen my luteal phase without complaint. I visit the doctor and numbly take the diagnosis that certain drugs seem to not have worked. I even learned how to give myself needles despite my lifelong aversion and horrible fear.

But despite going through all of the motions of trying to make a baby, I can't seem to wrap my head around ever actually making one. I feel that my infertility has become such a big part of my life that it's become my identity (although a secret one to most). Have I gotten to this point as self-preservation? Or has the long road to making a baby distracted me from the end result?

I feel like I need a new distraction. Perhaps it's a good thing that school starts very soon...

One down, one more to go

I survived giving myself the first needle of progesterone.

It took three tries, almost hyperventilating and an ice pack, but it's done. For some reason I imagined the needle going in without any force so when I had to press the needle point into my skin I had to reset myself a couple of times.

I'm so glad that Shinejl suggested that I numb the spot with some ice. Instead of focusing on the pain of the needle entry I had the reminder of the cold of the ice on my skin.

I have to give myself the second needle on Monday night and I'll be on my own since Mr. JB will be in New York to see his beloved Yankees (he had to make the trip before the team moves to the new stadium). I think I'm going to need a lot more infertile lovin' then.

Now that the drama is over I'm going to have a drink.

Call me crazy...

I know I just lamented about hating needles, but I just decided that I just have to be a big girl and learn how to do it.

There it's in print. I can't go back on it now.

I figure that I've come this far in the infertile wilderness that I can stand sticking myself in the belly twice before Mr. JB gets back from his trip. I even volunteered to do the first needle while he's still in town, just in case I chicken out.

Please, please send me some good sticking vibes.

I'm so brave. I'm so brave. I'm so brave.

(If I say it enough will be come true??????)

p.s. A BIG thanks to My Reality for volunteering to stick me in the butt. You rock!