Cursed

On my 11th birthday the space shuttle crashed.

When the cute boy that I liked told me I said, "It's my birthday, it couldn't have."

How naive was I?

The night I celebrated my 28th birthday another space shuttle crashed. More than one friend made a comment about my birthday having some sort of power on the American space program. Honestly, every time I hear about a space shuttle launch I pray that it isn't anywhere near my birthday.

How sick is that?

So we all know what happened when I tried to celebrate my 35th at the beginning of the month. Did I mention that my neighbour shared the same birthday as me?

So this morning while I was driving home from yoga I called Mr. JB and he gave me the sad news that his uncle died. We knew that it was going to happen sooner rather than later. We visited him a month ago in the hospital and he was barely conscious because of the pain that he was in. But as soon as I heard that he passed away I thought, "My cursed birthday."

There isn't going to be a funeral. He's going to be cremated and then Mr. JB's aunt will have a memorial closer to his birthday in the spring. One of his daughters lives out west and she's been back and forth quite a few times since he was diagnosed with cancer and his other daughter is quite busy with work.

Needless to say, please pray for Mr. JB's aunt and her family. We know that he was suffering and that he is in a better place. When we visited him in the hospital Mr. JB's aunt was feeling optimistic and she even said, "He doesn't look like a man that's dying, does he?"

He didn't, at least I didn't think so then. My neighbour didn't look like he was dying either.

Oh Lord, could we get a break over here?

Mini-post

These O.lympics are killing me. I've been going to bed really late and falling asleep on the couch while watching the fancy shmancy new TV (yes, I'm in love with HD, I'll admit it).

So before the ladies' figure skating starts I figured that I'd check in with a mini-post.

1) School is crazy busy. Report cards are due on the 8th and I'm still trying to finish teaching my Science unit. Yuck.

2) I'm in love with dark chocolate with sea salt. It's been on special at the grocery store for 2 for $5.

3) I can't wait for March Break. I also need to buy travel insurance. Argh.

4) My father-in-law had his last radiation treatment today. He's feeling pretty good, thank God.

5) We're supposedly getting a bunch more snow. I want more snow, now! I'd love a day to hang out in my pj's!

6) I'm having a love affair with the chick pea too. I was having serious cravings today. As soon as I walked in the door I had some with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. So tasty.

7) We still have the wheelchair that our neighbour died in in our garage. Apparently whoever is supposed to pick it up has been a real slacker. I haven't been in our garage since the chair was brought home, not exactly convenient.

8) My Lenten promises are going well, all except for the no candy promise. I keep on slipping 'cos of the bowl of jujubes in our family room. Gotta love the black ones!

9) I was chosen to attend a conference at the end of March. I'm so excited! I'm also applying to help re-write the new French curriculum for my province. If I get the job I will get paid $300 a day plus meals and gas! The job runs for three weeks and will help make a good dent in my kitchen renos!

10) Thank God it's Friday tomorrow.

Off to watch more sports! ;)

Seems like we've got some winter....

We finally have a snow storm on our hands. I can't believe that it's only the third time that we've had snow since the winter started and for the first time we actually have to shovel (and clear off our cars, thank God Mr. JB got me a good snow brush!).

Unfortunately our first real snow storm happened on the same night that we had our first adoption seminar. We left our house 45 minutes before the session was to start which should've been plenty of time to get there, but we still ended up being 10 minutes late. I was pretty surprised that the meeting was still going to happen since driving was pretty treacherous. Lucky for us we weren't the last people to show up and the social worker that was running the session hadn't even started.

After speaking to the social worker on the phone a couple of times I was feeling apprehensive. I know that she has to weed out the callers that aren't the best candidates for adoption as well as the crazies, but I felt discouraged after I spoke to her. Well after sitting through her presentation I feel completely different.

The social worker went over the types of children that the C.hildren's A.id Soci.ety helps, the services they provide, the adoption process and then we had a question period. It seems that the less particular we are, the greater chance we will have at adopting sooner. The children that are up for adoption are C.rown W.ards so their parents have lost their parental rights. She also said that there are sibling sets up for adoption as well as older children.

We filled out our first information sheet in order to get the adoption package and we indicated that we were interested in adopting a child from birth to age 8. Mr. JB would prefer a younger child, but I didn't want to limit our choices.

Mr. JB wants to fill in the paperwork as soon as we can since we will have quite the wait. Last year the C.AS had 38 applications and they also had 38 families waiting for adoption. They also had 9 families that were in the application process. Our first step after filling in all of the paperwork is getting the standardized P.RIDE training that one needs to adopt in Ontario, but there is a waiting list for that. We have the option of having our home study and P.RIDE training done privately, but we wouldn't have a close relationship with the social workers at C.AS and there is the cost factor (a home study would cost about $10 000 and the training about $1400).

It seems as though we're going to have a lot to do in the next little while to get this ball rolling. It feels so right for us to pursue adoption this way. I do hope that we will conceive sometime in the next year and I don't know how that will affect our chances at adoption. I was too scared to ask the social worker the question in front of the other people in the session. I'm sure that it will come up, but I did mention that we weren't doing any "invasive" fertility treatments.

I'm so glad that we're praying the rosary together every night. We definitely have a lot to pray for right now!

301

When I started my blog on January 7, 2008 I never expected all the wonderful gifts it has brought me. I knew that I needed an outlet. We had been at the infertility game for two and a half years at the time and I was at my wits' end.

We had made the decision to leave our evil IF clinic and had just started acupuncture. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that we were going to be infertile forever. It also didn't help that my teaching partner was very pregnant and I was sneaking away to the evil doctor's office a few times a month.

If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't have found the Marguerite Bourgeouys Family Centre and NaproTechnology, or at least it would've taken me much longer to have found it. It was a fellow blogger that recommended the centre to me and I will be forever grateful. It wasn't until Mr. JB and I attended the Introductory Session that I finally realized that there was an answer to my barrenness.

I know that the journey hasn't been easy -- two surgeries, three hospitalizations, countless medications and needles. I may still be waiting for our baby, but at least I am disease-free and so much healthier. I don't know if I will ever carry a baby in my womb, but I know that I am healthy and (relatively) pain-free.

I have also been so blessed to have made so many friends through my blog. I have met many of you in person (yay BW's!!!!), chatted with you on the internet, and made friends with you on FB. Whenever I've hit a low I know that all of you are just a post away. Your comments have buoyed me through recuperating from surgeries, changing schools and soon changing grades, getting pg news and most of all you've helped me stay sane through this journey through infertility. I have thanked God for all of you many, many times and so often I felt closer to you than my IRL friends that I see on a daily basis.

So as were start another cycle (and finish another round of F.emara), I'm feeling hopeful. It may have been the unseasonably warm weather and the sun shining today. Or perhaps I'm on an up-swing from the low that I hit last week. I'm starting to believe that I will be a mother again. It's been a long time since I would even entertain the idea.

Tomorrow night Mr. JB and I are attending our first adoption information meeting with the C.hildren's A.id Society. I'm nervous and excited. I am going to take a lot of notes and hopefully many of our questions will be answered, but I'm certain that we will have even more.

Something that has been going through my mind the past couple of days is, "In God's time." I read it on some one's blog recently, but I can't remember who. I am trying really hard not to push against what is supposed to happen for us. I just have to believe that it is going to happen.

And it will. I know that it will. It just has to.

Faking It

So we're going out for dinner with Mr. JB's cousins and their wives. I've blogged about one of Mr. JB's cousins -- remember the one that fed me burnt hot dogs but didn't have the audacity to apologize for not being able to feed me? Anyhow, I have been stressing out all day about this dinner. I've been snippy all day and I've been thinking of ways of getting out of it.

But I can't.

It also doesn't help that Mr. JB's other cousin's wife is seven months pregnant. Yes, the cousin and his wife that just do not get along. And yes, they were married a year after us and this is their second baby.

Argh.

I know that I will get all dressed up and I will be able to fake it through dinner. I just find it so absolutely draining to pretend that I like this woman. It also doesn't help that she is not exactly the most sensitive about our IF.

I'm trying to focus on good things. I went to the hair dresser today and he only charged me for a blow dry because he didn't trim a lot of hair! How great is that??? I saved HALF the cost of getting my hair done (which I'm growing back out, the short hair thing isn't me at all). Also Mr. JB is on a new health kick because at his yearly physical the doctor found that his cholesterol is way high. We bought so much healthy food at the grocery store that he is actually going to eat! I'm so glad that he is finally going to listen to the doctor and start living a healthier lifestyle. We eat well at home but as soon as he's at school his bad habits rear their ugly head.

I need to take a nap before we go out tonight. I need all the energy that I can muster!

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This was my 300th post! I missed my bloggoversary in January (Happy 2nd Birthday Blog!). I'm thinking that some sort of blog retrospective is in order....

Take Two

I started my first double dose of F.emara. The cramps were pretty painful last month -- Dr. T said that it was the F.emara that made the symptoms worse, having ovaries working double time this month is going to be interesting!

I spent much of the evening unconscious on the couch. I can't remember the last time I slept for THREE hours after school! I was up pretty late last night watching men's figure skating! I guess I have to work harder on my Lenten promise to be in bed by 10pm!

Today was a nice day at school. We had an Ash Wednesday liturgy and I helped give ashes to the children. My class was so cute. We talked about the various sacrifices we were going to make for the next 40 days and they're suggestions were so cute! One of them said that they were going to do their homework and I said, "Well you should you be doing that every night! I don't know if that counts as a Lenten promise!"

I wish all of you a blessed Lenten season!

Renewal

I need the season of Lent to start ASAP. I feel like I've been through the desert, physically and mentally. I cannot wait to renew myself spiritually. I really hope that in the next 40 days that I can find some renewed strength, I'm so tired of feeling down and sad.

This has to end now.

Now onto my list of Lenten promises:

1) Mr. JB and I are cutting down our F.acebook time to one hour a night. Hopefully less. Now that we're both on FB, Mr. JB and I are talking less. That has to stop.

2) No more Blogger at work. Really, I shouldn't be on the computer for personal stuff anyway. I'm getting into a busy time with my class with report cards coming up. I wish that I didn't have access at all, so I wouldn't be tempted!

3) No more candy, pop and wine. Unfortunately I can't give up chocolate. It's a necessity for an infertile.

4) Mr. JB and I are going to say the rosary together every night. We're still looking for a novena to say -- any suggestions?

5) Mr. JB and I are going to go to mass and Stations of the Cross on Friday nights. I've done this pretty much as long as I can remember. I love attending the Stations and it's a great way to end the week.

6) No meat on Fridays. Duh, that's pretty simple.

7) I'm going to try to go to bed by 10pm. This is going to be tough since the O.lympics are on!

The one thing that we decided that we weren't going to do is give up take-out. With report cards on the horizon and our March Break, take out is inevitable. Since going gluten-free we've eaten out less and less since it's so tough for me! I'm going to try really hard to cook on Friday nights, but for those late nights when we're marking and doing reports, take out is the only option for the both of us.

I'm so ready for Lent to start. My soul needs this so badly. I hope that I can bear my small sacrifices with little complaint, since I know that what I'm doing is only a minute fraction of what Jesus did for us!

Hiding Out

I just haven't had any energy or intention to blog.

I think that I have completely digested the disappointment of having yet another cycle go bust (yes, I woke up this morning to CD1, woohoo!). I have also been trying hard to be positive since really we have only been TTC with my newly overhauled ladyparts for three cycles (and really, the first cycle didn't count since I was on the abscess killing antibiotics and I was basically unmedicated). I wish that I had a way to erase the past four years of disappointment because if it wasn't for the history of months and months of sadness, I would be okay.

Now that's a strange sentence, isn't it?

If I could erase my memory I would be okay. What a novel idea!

Anyhow, a couple of days ago I remember something that Dr. T told us at my appointment. She was reading over my surgeon's notes about my procedure in August because she wanted to make sure that my tubes were clear (they always were, according to the HSG that I had WAY back in 2006, but one never knows, right?), which they still are. The problem with my tubes, well in particular my right tube, was the fact that it was obscured by adhesions and that it was all twisted. When my surgeon removed the adhesions my tube went back into place (I picture it just springing back into where it was supposed to be, but I have no idea if it works that way!). Dr. T found in my surgeons notes that my tubes were clear, but she did find something that made me quite sad.

The surgeon removed three uterine fibroids and one endometrioma and because of where the fibroids were he recommended that when I get pregnant that I would have to have a c-section.

Ouch.

I know that the pregnancy and birth experience has not what I've planned -- I obviously wouldn't have planned the sheer lack of both for so long, I'm not a sadist, you know. But I have imagined that I would be able to limit the medical intervention after I finally got pregnant. I thought that I would be able to have a midwife and perhaps a doula and that I would be able to do things as naturally as possible (except for the homebirth, Mr. JB is totally against that). I do have to admit that I feel a little robbed. Not only have I had to endure the pain and sadness of IF, but I also have no hope of being all crunchy granola about my birth process.

And yes, have yet another surgery.

On the bright side, I figure that my surgeon will also be my ob/gyn, I like him and he also works at a highly respected Catholic hospital. But that isn't much of a consolation. The paradigm shift that I have to make to accept this news is pretty tough, but really I know that I'm putting the cart well before the horse.

I was born by c-section, so was Mr. JB and his brother. There is nothing wrong with having c-sections, but it's just not what I wanted for me. Oh well, one more thing to mourn.

I really need Lent to start. I'm feeling quite angry and sad right now so I'm finding it so hard to figure out thing to give up. I feel like I've given up so much already. Mr. JB and I are going to say the rosary together every night (we say it at school with the kids, but we've never prayed it together, how crazy is that?). We're also going to go to mass and the Stations of the Cross on Friday nights. I'm going to give up pop and candy (but not chocolate, I just can't). I'm also going to limit my computer time since I just waste so much of it on FB!

I need some serious healing, physically and spiritually. I hope that the next 4o days will make me a stronger, more faithful person, because I've been lacking in both. God please help me!

One step forward, seemingly a hundred back

I wish I was feeling more positive about my doctor's visit.

Let's just say that we had to go to I.kea to cheer me up and that didn't even work! Mr. JB was angelic while we walked through the store and he didn't even complain when I went back to check if the baskets I needed were in another part of the store (they weren't, they're sold out, argh!). He even patiently went through the kitchen section with me and admired the no-slam drawers (which I was so badly!).

Anyhow, back to business.

Thankfully our wait wasn't too long. I was prepared with my favourite decorating magazine so I was actually a bit disappointed when we were called in so soon (Am I the only one that feels like this in the waiting room????)! So Dr. T looked at my chart and then reviewed my Peak +7 bloodwork from this month and last. Apparently this month's levels were still low whereas last month's were really good (I didn't think that I ovulated, but I could've had a yeast infection, there's no real way to tell). She was also surprised that I was spotting around ovulation since that would be an indication of lower estrogen levels, but last month my hormone levels were good. She seemed genuinely surprised that my hormone levels post-peak weren't better since I was on F.emara (I didn't get in trouble, she was happy that I took the meds!).

I also asked her about getting tested for MTHMFR, but since I don't have a history of miscarriage. She also said that the testing isn't covered by our provincial health care, so at this time she doesn't think that testing for it is necessary. What she does want me to research is the "I.mmupro 100" test. She talked about some of her Napro colleagues that are researching the connection between food sensitivities and infertility. She said that she hasn't seen an increase of pregnancies with her patients that have done the testing, but she said that it couldn't hurt. I also mentioned to her that I'm going to see my naturopath on Friday and that I would mention the testing to her. We just walked in the door so I didn't even get the chance to google "I.mupro 100."

So I'm figuring that this cycle is a bust, but I was too scared to ask her. I couldn't handle any more bad news.

What Dr. T does want me to do for my next cycle is to double my dose of F.emara. I asked her why she put me on an ovulation induction drug when we know from my u/s series from way back that I do ovulate. She explained that it helps the follicle quality and that there would be a better chance of having multiple follicles than I would without the F.emara. She also said that it helped with the post-peak hormone levels (which is why she was surprised that my levels were so low this cycle).

Dr. T also explained that stress can really effect hormone levels and all of you know that I've had a pretty stressful month and a half (remember all of the illness and death that seems to be hovering around our house?). It's obvious that my body is reacting to all of my life stresses. Another thing that she wants me to do is repeat the u/s series that I did when I first started seeing her two years ago, but that's going to have to wait until the summer. We're going to try the double dose of F.emara for two cycles and then we're going to see what happens.

On Monday evening I saw my chiropractor and she mentioned that my lower back problems are most likely due to healing from my surgery and subsequent abscess. She thinks that my body just isn't ready to conceive yet -- which is something that I wasn't 100% prepared to hear, since she is right. I'm back to wanting to force my body into doing something that it isn't ready to do.

I know that I tried to set myself up for disappointment so soon after my period starting again. Although it has been seven months since my surgery, it has only been three since my period started and really only two since the abscess has been gone. I wish that I could have the belief that both my Napro doctor and chiropractor have in my ability to conceive.

Right now I feel so defeated. I always hope that she's going to give me stellar news that I've been miraculously cured and that we have finally conceived. Alas, not at this visit.

I'm tired of being infertile and broken. It also didn't help that there were so many pg women, babies and kids at I.kea.

My head hurts. I need to eat some ice cream or something.

Seeing the Doctor

First off, I have to apologize for all of the snow envy I've been passing around on the blogs. We finally have snow again (the first substantial snowfall since December 9th!). Mr. JB is ready to shoot me! He hates the white stuff, while I absolutely love it. It's the time of year when I REALLY NEED A SNOW DAY. 

So this afternoon I'm going to see my Napro doc. I'm concerned about two things: I took F.emara without her go-ahead (but she did give me the prescription, she just didn't tell me to fill it!) and I also want to be tested for MTHMFR. My last two periods have been quite clotty and the last one was really painful. I don't know how familiar she is with clotting disorders, but I think it would be better to rule it out and to treat it. 

Is there anything else that you would suggest that I ask when I see her today?

In cycle news: I'm Peak +11 today and I've been so mean to my class! I'm also exhausted. 

I'll post more when I get back from my appointment!