So of course, this trip could not go without drama.
But don't worry, this is good drama.
TCIE and I were having a bit of the feel-me-sorries with regards to our uncooperative follicles. She decided that we should have an ultrasound today to see what was going on. It seems as though the Holy Spirit was busy this afternoon.
We had planned to go to a healing mass at a local parish, but when we got to the church we saw a sign that read, "Healing Mass Cancelled." Needless to say we were more than a little shocked. Apparently the priest that was going to celebrate mass was quite ill that he even had to cancel noon mass. In a panic we had to find church for mass, which was not an easy feat being so late in the afternoon.
Mr., Mrs. TCIE and I feverishly worked our smartphones, GPS and computer to find a nearby mass. Luckily we found a mass not to far away at 5pm that left us enough time to go to TCIE's office to get wanded -- later in the day that we planned, which was a very good thing.
And let's just say that TCIE was more than a little shocked to see what she saw. There wasn't too much going on on my right ovary, but on the left, the left was a different story. The little follicle that was growing on Friday was only 0.76cm grew to a whopping 1.8cm -- substantial growth for two days. TCIE was shocked.
It seems that this cycle isn't a bust after all.
What I'm thinking is that this may be part of my issue.
So I go for another scan before we leave for home tomorrow and I'm thinking that the follicle ruptured while we were at mass -- at St. Jude's. Ironic? I think not.
So please petition any saint that you can think of, prayer warriors. It would be so amazing if the follicle ruptures while I'm here so I don't have to continue with ultrasounds when I get home.
St. Gerard definitely came through, he just has a little more to go!
16 October 2011
15 October 2011
Days Four, Five & Six of the Big Infertile Adventure
TCIE and I have been having too much fun that I haven't had the time to blog! Also, I was trying to get my report cards done while I was on the computer -- thank goodness for technology! I was able to get my work done away from home.
Day Four: I went with TCIE to her morning job and was able to see the new facility that her boss has recently opened up. It was definitely one of the nicest doctor's offices I have ever been to! All of her co-workers were so friendly and welcoming, especially when I told them about my upcoming journey to Omaha.
In the afternoon I had another blood draw, which went very well. I can't get over the very comfortable reclining beds that they use instead of the upright chairs that we have back home! I never have to see my own blood, which is wonderful since I am so squeamish.
We were able to leave early that day and TCIE and I attending the Marian procession celebrating the final apparition of the Virgin Mary at Fatima. There were hundreds of people there! It was such a powerful experience to say the rosary with so many people.
Day Five: I had my second ultrasound with my personal ultrasonographer (now, how many of you can say that?). Unfortunately, the results were not good. For the first (known) time, it seems like I am not going to ovulate this cycle. TCIE figures that the stress of the upcoming surgery on top of my stress of traveling here plus work have contributed to my ovaries not cooperating. Needless to say I was pretty devastated -- ovulating was the one thing that my body did properly. I was suspecting that something was amiss since my CM was completely non-existent, again, something that is out of the ordinary (since my second surgery I have not needed any mucus enhancers whatsoever, if you know what I mean).
I had made plans with one of my girlfriends that lives in the area and she picked me up right after my ultrasound. It was pretty hard not to break down and cry all the way to lunch. Lucky for me I have a lot of practice pretending that I am not dying on the inside. We went to the local mall and she helped me find birthday presents for Mr. JB -- I may have gone overboard, but it makes me so sad to be away from him on his special day.
My friend brought me back to TCIE's house and she ended up spending the evening with us. We had some dinner and snacks and some wine. Let's just say TCIE and I drowned our sorrows. I just hope that the video proof of my drunken storytelling doesn't make it onto the internet!
I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit brought us together to comfort one another -- TCIE had a tough day yesterday as well. It would've been pretty difficult to work through the results of my ultrasound alone. Having a sister in struggle right beside me was such a blessing!
Mr. JB assures me that this wasn't a wasted trip, although the blood work and ultrasounds may not be of any use to Dr. Hilgers. TCIE has assured me that I'm not going to be denied my surgery, but that I may have to do some of the testing at home, or perhaps even return here for a complete ultrasound series. I'm going to call the nurses at PPVI on Monday to see what they say.
[sigh]
Day Six: After our wine-filled evening I was able to sleep in until 11:30am -- something that I never do! If I was at home I would've already gone to a yoga class, done laundry and made at least two meals. It was so nice to wake up, fully rested.
TCIE called her boss and asked her if I needed to come in for my blood work and she said that there was no point since my follicle was so small. Part of me was relieved to not to have to get another needle, but a bigger part of me wished that my body would cooperate. TCIE said that she would scan me again tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully there will be some growth -- please pray for a late ovulation!!!!
We were going to go to the National Shrine of St. Rita of Cascia, but we realized in the car that the journey was going to be much longer than anticipated, so instead we got gluten-free falafel in a nearby town. It was so good that I was moved to happy tears. I think that I was the source of amusement to both TCIE and the women behind the counter! I have never been so happy to eat falafel in my entire life! Yes, I am not the only blogger that is obsessed with food!
So prayer warriors, please petition heaven for my slow-growing follicles. It will require a miracle at this point to make this a good cycle for the tests that I need done for Omaha, but miracles do happen, right?
p.s. In my infertile stupour I completely forgot that we went to a mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday. It was such a beautiful mass and there were so many people in attendance. At the end of mass one of the priests spoke very beautifully about the difficult plight of infertile women -- I wish that I had a tape recorder to remember all that he said.
At the end of mass all of the women praying to conceive were called up to venerate a relic of St. Gerard. TCIE and I waited quite a while, and we were pretty close to the front! After venerating the relic each woman was given a St. Gerard prayer card and an envelope that was filled with a St. Gerard hankerchief, a prayer card with a medal attached, and a novena book.
Afterward, we visited his statue and I lit a candle in honour of all my sisters in struggle. TCIE also told me of the Italian tradition of pinning money on St. Gerard, and I did not want to leave any stone unturned, so I joined in.
As we were leaving, I couldn't resist but take a photo of the sign on the front of the church:
I tried to remember all of you that are still waiting! I hope that St. Gerard will intercede for us soon!
St. Gerard, pray for us!
Day Four: I went with TCIE to her morning job and was able to see the new facility that her boss has recently opened up. It was definitely one of the nicest doctor's offices I have ever been to! All of her co-workers were so friendly and welcoming, especially when I told them about my upcoming journey to Omaha.
In the afternoon I had another blood draw, which went very well. I can't get over the very comfortable reclining beds that they use instead of the upright chairs that we have back home! I never have to see my own blood, which is wonderful since I am so squeamish.
We were able to leave early that day and TCIE and I attending the Marian procession celebrating the final apparition of the Virgin Mary at Fatima. There were hundreds of people there! It was such a powerful experience to say the rosary with so many people.
Day Five: I had my second ultrasound with my personal ultrasonographer (now, how many of you can say that?). Unfortunately, the results were not good. For the first (known) time, it seems like I am not going to ovulate this cycle. TCIE figures that the stress of the upcoming surgery on top of my stress of traveling here plus work have contributed to my ovaries not cooperating. Needless to say I was pretty devastated -- ovulating was the one thing that my body did properly. I was suspecting that something was amiss since my CM was completely non-existent, again, something that is out of the ordinary (since my second surgery I have not needed any mucus enhancers whatsoever, if you know what I mean).
I had made plans with one of my girlfriends that lives in the area and she picked me up right after my ultrasound. It was pretty hard not to break down and cry all the way to lunch. Lucky for me I have a lot of practice pretending that I am not dying on the inside. We went to the local mall and she helped me find birthday presents for Mr. JB -- I may have gone overboard, but it makes me so sad to be away from him on his special day.
My friend brought me back to TCIE's house and she ended up spending the evening with us. We had some dinner and snacks and some wine. Let's just say TCIE and I drowned our sorrows. I just hope that the video proof of my drunken storytelling doesn't make it onto the internet!
I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit brought us together to comfort one another -- TCIE had a tough day yesterday as well. It would've been pretty difficult to work through the results of my ultrasound alone. Having a sister in struggle right beside me was such a blessing!
Mr. JB assures me that this wasn't a wasted trip, although the blood work and ultrasounds may not be of any use to Dr. Hilgers. TCIE has assured me that I'm not going to be denied my surgery, but that I may have to do some of the testing at home, or perhaps even return here for a complete ultrasound series. I'm going to call the nurses at PPVI on Monday to see what they say.
[sigh]
Day Six: After our wine-filled evening I was able to sleep in until 11:30am -- something that I never do! If I was at home I would've already gone to a yoga class, done laundry and made at least two meals. It was so nice to wake up, fully rested.
TCIE called her boss and asked her if I needed to come in for my blood work and she said that there was no point since my follicle was so small. Part of me was relieved to not to have to get another needle, but a bigger part of me wished that my body would cooperate. TCIE said that she would scan me again tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully there will be some growth -- please pray for a late ovulation!!!!
We were going to go to the National Shrine of St. Rita of Cascia, but we realized in the car that the journey was going to be much longer than anticipated, so instead we got gluten-free falafel in a nearby town. It was so good that I was moved to happy tears. I think that I was the source of amusement to both TCIE and the women behind the counter! I have never been so happy to eat falafel in my entire life! Yes, I am not the only blogger that is obsessed with food!
So prayer warriors, please petition heaven for my slow-growing follicles. It will require a miracle at this point to make this a good cycle for the tests that I need done for Omaha, but miracles do happen, right?
p.s. In my infertile stupour I completely forgot that we went to a mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday. It was such a beautiful mass and there were so many people in attendance. At the end of mass one of the priests spoke very beautifully about the difficult plight of infertile women -- I wish that I had a tape recorder to remember all that he said.
At the end of mass all of the women praying to conceive were called up to venerate a relic of St. Gerard. TCIE and I waited quite a while, and we were pretty close to the front! After venerating the relic each woman was given a St. Gerard prayer card and an envelope that was filled with a St. Gerard hankerchief, a prayer card with a medal attached, and a novena book.
Afterward, we visited his statue and I lit a candle in honour of all my sisters in struggle. TCIE also told me of the Italian tradition of pinning money on St. Gerard, and I did not want to leave any stone unturned, so I joined in.
As we were leaving, I couldn't resist but take a photo of the sign on the front of the church:
I tried to remember all of you that are still waiting! I hope that St. Gerard will intercede for us soon!
St. Gerard, pray for us!
12 October 2011
Reflecting On Blessings -- Day Three of the Big Infertile Adventure
Again, I have to thank all of my prayer warriors -- I have felt so at peace since arriving in NJ! I'm normally a fast-moving, busy person (yes, teaching the second grade really lends itself to my personality!) and I have been able to slow down and reflect about my journey, thus far.
The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I am so infinitely blessed.
Monday night when Dr. Nora and I arrived at TCIE's boss' home I was overcome by her generosity. Here we were, two complete strangers, and she offered me a bed in her home. Not only that, but yesterday she was so gentle and compassionate while she was taking my blood. I've had many blood draws in the past six years and gentle people are very hard to come by!
I have put my full trust in the Lord and He is not disappointing me at all.
I was brought to tears more than once with TCIE -- tears of gratitude of her immense friendship. It amazes me that someone that is geographically so far from me has become such an essential support. Although we are the last of the BW's to get pg, we are both so thankful that we are at least together at this point. I have no doubt that God planned for us to be together for this part of my IF journey -- how fitting that she is able to do my ultrasounds and her boss is able to do my blood work before we go to Omaha!
I am also so blessed to have a job that has giving me the time off to do these tests and have my surgery. I am not going to lose any pay and I know that my class will be in good hands. I know that I was worried before I left, but my teaching partner tells me that all is well.
The cross of IF has brought me so many gifts: a strong marriage, wonderful friendships, a healthier body and most of all a deeper love of my faith in God. I know in my heart that I am doing exactly what He has planned for me.
And that is the biggest blessing of all.
The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I am so infinitely blessed.
Monday night when Dr. Nora and I arrived at TCIE's boss' home I was overcome by her generosity. Here we were, two complete strangers, and she offered me a bed in her home. Not only that, but yesterday she was so gentle and compassionate while she was taking my blood. I've had many blood draws in the past six years and gentle people are very hard to come by!
I have put my full trust in the Lord and He is not disappointing me at all.
I was brought to tears more than once with TCIE -- tears of gratitude of her immense friendship. It amazes me that someone that is geographically so far from me has become such an essential support. Although we are the last of the BW's to get pg, we are both so thankful that we are at least together at this point. I have no doubt that God planned for us to be together for this part of my IF journey -- how fitting that she is able to do my ultrasounds and her boss is able to do my blood work before we go to Omaha!
I am also so blessed to have a job that has giving me the time off to do these tests and have my surgery. I am not going to lose any pay and I know that my class will be in good hands. I know that I was worried before I left, but my teaching partner tells me that all is well.
The cross of IF has brought me so many gifts: a strong marriage, wonderful friendships, a healthier body and most of all a deeper love of my faith in God. I know in my heart that I am doing exactly what He has planned for me.
And that is the biggest blessing of all.
11 October 2011
Day Two of the Big Infertile Adventure
So today was my first day of tests. I have to admit that I was quite anxious since I needles and JellyBelly are not friends, but my anxiety was unwarranted. I had a great day today!
I knew that TCIE was going to be an amazing ultrasonographer and she did not disappoint. It was neat to be able to watch my insides on the monitor as she was scanning me. It always amazes me how the black and white images can be interpreted as real stuff! From what it looks, and from what TCIE told me, it looks like there's quite a bit of stuff going on. She said that it looks like I have quite a few adhesions and that she saw at least one fibroid. Dr. H is going to have quite a bit to work on! I was very happy to have had a pain-free ultrasound (unlike my experience on my day 5 scan).
TCIE's boss drew my blood and she was so amazingly gentle. I'm used to sitting up in a chair back home and today I got to lie down and not see a thing! She made a blood draw almost 100% pleasant!
I feel like I am such good hands here and again I don't doubt that I am where I am supposed to be.
Tomorrow is a day off for tests and I think that Dr. Nora and I are going to go on a bit of an adventure.
Thank you all for your continued prayers!
I knew that TCIE was going to be an amazing ultrasonographer and she did not disappoint. It was neat to be able to watch my insides on the monitor as she was scanning me. It always amazes me how the black and white images can be interpreted as real stuff! From what it looks, and from what TCIE told me, it looks like there's quite a bit of stuff going on. She said that it looks like I have quite a few adhesions and that she saw at least one fibroid. Dr. H is going to have quite a bit to work on! I was very happy to have had a pain-free ultrasound (unlike my experience on my day 5 scan).
TCIE's boss drew my blood and she was so amazingly gentle. I'm used to sitting up in a chair back home and today I got to lie down and not see a thing! She made a blood draw almost 100% pleasant!
I feel like I am such good hands here and again I don't doubt that I am where I am supposed to be.
Tomorrow is a day off for tests and I think that Dr. Nora and I are going to go on a bit of an adventure.
Thank you all for your continued prayers!
10 October 2011
Day One of the Big Infertile Adventure
Not the most eloquent title, but it gets to the point, no?
So Dr. Nora and I have arrived safe and sound. We had a slight change of plans since our journey took us a little longer than we had anticipated -- I'm staying at TCIE's boss' house for the night. Dr. Nora is staying with her and because we were so exhausted she offered a bed for me too.
We have had angels watching over us all day.
When we got to the border crossing, Dr. Nora discovered that she had forgotten her passport. She had her driver's license and some other ID and I started to say Hail Mary's as we approached the guard station. We were so lucky and the guard let us cross with a reminder to always travel with a passport (I had mine as well as my license, I don't know if that helped). I guess we looked harmless and that "medical appointments" were enough of a reason to let us through.
I took a turn driving which made me very nervous since Dr. Nora's car is a stick shift. Her car is only the second manual I have ever driven! I did okay until I stalled in Scranton (twice at an intersection with a line of cars behind me).
We stopped in Corning, NY for some Mexican which was great. Mr. JB and I passed through there two summers ago when we went to the Poconos. The restaurant that we ate at was still under construction and when we went to check it out one of the workers said, "Come back in two weeks!" It took a year, and it was worth coming back -- the food was very tasty.
I do have a bit of anxiety about the tests that have to be done. I am so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong! I am so glad that TCIE is doing my ultrasound (have I said that enough lately?) and her boss is going to draw my blood as well. I just re-read my requisition and it looks like I have to have some more blood taken back home, but I'll have to ask about that at the clinic tomorrow.
Thank you all for your prayers! We definitely had many prayer warriors looking out for us today!
So Dr. Nora and I have arrived safe and sound. We had a slight change of plans since our journey took us a little longer than we had anticipated -- I'm staying at TCIE's boss' house for the night. Dr. Nora is staying with her and because we were so exhausted she offered a bed for me too.
We have had angels watching over us all day.
When we got to the border crossing, Dr. Nora discovered that she had forgotten her passport. She had her driver's license and some other ID and I started to say Hail Mary's as we approached the guard station. We were so lucky and the guard let us cross with a reminder to always travel with a passport (I had mine as well as my license, I don't know if that helped). I guess we looked harmless and that "medical appointments" were enough of a reason to let us through.
I took a turn driving which made me very nervous since Dr. Nora's car is a stick shift. Her car is only the second manual I have ever driven! I did okay until I stalled in Scranton (twice at an intersection with a line of cars behind me).
We stopped in Corning, NY for some Mexican which was great. Mr. JB and I passed through there two summers ago when we went to the Poconos. The restaurant that we ate at was still under construction and when we went to check it out one of the workers said, "Come back in two weeks!" It took a year, and it was worth coming back -- the food was very tasty.
I do have a bit of anxiety about the tests that have to be done. I am so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong! I am so glad that TCIE is doing my ultrasound (have I said that enough lately?) and her boss is going to draw my blood as well. I just re-read my requisition and it looks like I have to have some more blood taken back home, but I'll have to ask about that at the clinic tomorrow.
Thank you all for your prayers! We definitely had many prayer warriors looking out for us today!
9 October 2011
And we're off....
It seems like I have been leading up to this moment for the past six years.
My bags are packed and I leave for TCIE's at 10am tomorrow morning. My ultrasound series has turned into a bit of a road trip -- Dr. Nora is going to be traveling to the US with me so she can shadow the process. I am grateful that I don't have to travel seven hours alone and it will be great to have my very own naturopath with me for this part of my journey!
I was a bit stressed since it is so hard to pack when the weather can be quite unpredictable -- it felt like summer here all weekend, but I'm sure that it will be frigid soon enough. Thank goodness we are driving since I'm sure that my bags over-packed!
I am hoping that my anxiety isn't going to get the best of me. I haven't been waking up at 4am, but waves of panic keep washing over me at random times. I keep telling myself to trust and surrender my fears, but it is easier said than done. I am also not looking forward to being away from Mr. JB for so long. He will be celebrating his birthday next weekend while I'm away, and it makes me sad that I won't be with him. He says that he doesn't mind and that he's going to take the opportunity to hang out with his dad while I'm gone and that we will celebrate when I get home.
My husband has saintly qualities, let me tell you.
So I have a favour, or two to ask of all of you. First, please pray that all of the testing, particularly the blood work, goes well. I know that the ultrasounds will be fine since I will be in TCIE's able hands, but even after all these years I am a needle-phobe. Secondly, those of you that are my buddies on FB could you please not mention that I'm away? There are still some people that I have to tell about my upcoming surgery (as well as my past six years of IF!) and I don't want to have to answer questions via my FB wall.
I feel so blessed that I have such a great support system from the blogs. I remember when I started I felt so alone, and now I have met so many friends that in so many ways are closer than the people that I see every day! Thank you God for all of you!
My bags are packed and I leave for TCIE's at 10am tomorrow morning. My ultrasound series has turned into a bit of a road trip -- Dr. Nora is going to be traveling to the US with me so she can shadow the process. I am grateful that I don't have to travel seven hours alone and it will be great to have my very own naturopath with me for this part of my journey!
I was a bit stressed since it is so hard to pack when the weather can be quite unpredictable -- it felt like summer here all weekend, but I'm sure that it will be frigid soon enough. Thank goodness we are driving since I'm sure that my bags over-packed!
I am hoping that my anxiety isn't going to get the best of me. I haven't been waking up at 4am, but waves of panic keep washing over me at random times. I keep telling myself to trust and surrender my fears, but it is easier said than done. I am also not looking forward to being away from Mr. JB for so long. He will be celebrating his birthday next weekend while I'm away, and it makes me sad that I won't be with him. He says that he doesn't mind and that he's going to take the opportunity to hang out with his dad while I'm gone and that we will celebrate when I get home.
My husband has saintly qualities, let me tell you.
So I have a favour, or two to ask of all of you. First, please pray that all of the testing, particularly the blood work, goes well. I know that the ultrasounds will be fine since I will be in TCIE's able hands, but even after all these years I am a needle-phobe. Secondly, those of you that are my buddies on FB could you please not mention that I'm away? There are still some people that I have to tell about my upcoming surgery (as well as my past six years of IF!) and I don't want to have to answer questions via my FB wall.
I feel so blessed that I have such a great support system from the blogs. I remember when I started I felt so alone, and now I have met so many friends that in so many ways are closer than the people that I see every day! Thank you God for all of you!
8 October 2011
Strange Incision Pain -- Help!
So my fellow endo sufferers, have any of you experienced very uncomfortable incision pain?
I usually feel a dull ache when it's going to rain, but since yesterday I have been in quite a bit of discomfort. The pain is localized on the left hand side of my incision and it radiates into my pelvis.
Such fun.
I gave in and took some pain killers this morning because I needed to function.
Thank the Lord I am starting my ultrasound series next week! Hopefully TCIE will find what is going on!!!
p.s. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. Your prayers definitely helped!
I usually feel a dull ache when it's going to rain, but since yesterday I have been in quite a bit of discomfort. The pain is localized on the left hand side of my incision and it radiates into my pelvis.
Such fun.
I gave in and took some pain killers this morning because I needed to function.
Thank the Lord I am starting my ultrasound series next week! Hopefully TCIE will find what is going on!!!
p.s. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. Your prayers definitely helped!
5 October 2011
The Wall
It hit me today.
This is it.
My surgery with Dr. Hilgers is the last thing that we are going to do to restore my fertility. My third, and final surgery.
If this doesn't work, we move on.
When we started this journey WAY back in July 2005, I couldn't imagine that six years later that we would still be childless, but here we are.
We are so blessed to be able to have the choice to have this surgery. Everything has come into place to make this surgery happen. I know in my heart that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Regardless of the outcome, I will not regret our decision to go to Omaha.
But I'm scared.
So desperately scared.
My back is against the wall and I'm starting at all of my fears straight in the eye.
Dear God, please help me!
This is it.
My surgery with Dr. Hilgers is the last thing that we are going to do to restore my fertility. My third, and final surgery.
If this doesn't work, we move on.
When we started this journey WAY back in July 2005, I couldn't imagine that six years later that we would still be childless, but here we are.
We are so blessed to be able to have the choice to have this surgery. Everything has come into place to make this surgery happen. I know in my heart that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Regardless of the outcome, I will not regret our decision to go to Omaha.
But I'm scared.
So desperately scared.
My back is against the wall and I'm starting at all of my fears straight in the eye.
Dear God, please help me!
4 October 2011
Coming Clean, Well Mostly
After my crazy day yesterday -- which ended off quite nicely with my appointment with Dr. Nora, thank God, even the traffic wasn't too bad coming home, I came to school ready to start telling people about my surgery.
The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive. Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.
It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.
I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!
At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!
By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.
I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.
And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad.
So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!
Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).
If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.
The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive. Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.
It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.
I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!
At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!
By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.
I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.
And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad.
So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!
Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).
If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.
3 October 2011
One of the worst things... * Updated
...about being infertile is having to fill one's bladder in preparation for an ultrasound.
I have goosebumps all over 'cos I started with cold water and now I'm shivering!
I have the day off for my day 5 ultrasound (the baseline before I head south for my Napro ultrasounds) and blood work (which will be shipped to Omaha).
I end off the day with a visit to Dr. Nora.
How I wish I could have fun relaxing and watching girly movies, rather than preparing myself for surgery #3.
[sigh]
_____________________________
I am so thankful to be home. It was not a fun morning. At all.
I was very happy to get to the ultrasound clinic without too much fuss. The office was quite the way away and I knew that navigating morning rush hour traffic wouldn't be fun. I got there on time and I didn't have to wait.
That's when the fortune ended.
I have been through many, many ultrasounds. When the technician asked me what the reason for my ultrasound was, I knew that it was going to go downhill from there. Didn't she read the d*mn requisition???? I told her primary infertility and that it was my day 5 baseline ultrasound. She told me to lie down (which was not comfortable since my bladder was so darned full) and then asked how long we had been TTC.
She's lucky that I was so distracted from my full bladder because I was ready to cry or punch her, but I calmly said, "Six years." Although I wanted to add, does it really matter? It's obvious that you have no idea what six years of barrenness has done to me.
[deep breath]
She finished the external ultrasound and I was told to pee. Honestly, the pee after filling one's bladder is the most joyous experience!
When I returned to the room I was told to take all of my bottoms off and to put on the ridiculous paper gown. I lay down and she inserted the dildocam and she just went to town. She wasn't gentle, despite my telling her that it was painful. Like I said, I've had many ultrasounds and I know that they are not supposed to be painful. My deep, yoga breathing helped, a bit, but it was still so uncomfortable that I had tears in my eyes -- which says a lot since I have a high pain tolerance (I've lived with stage 4 endo, I know what pain is!). The entire scan took about ten minutes, but it seemed like hours. At the end I asked the tech why it hurt so much and she said, "Well you have endometriosis, that's why." She's lucky I didn't kick her in the teeth.
[another deep breath]
So next was my day 5 blood work. I drove back home and found the lab (which is a new lab because only certain labs will ship blood to the US). I felt very confident that the lab would be able to handle shipping my blood to Omaha since I spoke to a very nice lady at their head office. Alas, I was wrong.
After waiting for almost half and hour the receptionist was all confused about my requisition. I explained to her that I had spoken to head office and that I was told that they were able to ship my blood to the US and that if she needed to talk to someone that I had their phone number and extension. I went back and forth with the woman at the desk at least four times. She brought in more than one colleague to help her out with my situation. Thank God another woman came in and calmly explained to her what to do. The biggest glitch was the price that I was quoted was wrong because of the dry ice and extra packaging that was needed.
God was merciful on me enough to send me a very thorough technician. She went over the requisition from Dr. Hilgers with a fine tooth comb. The woman at the desk highlighted that I needed post-Peak blood work done as well, but I insisted that it was just day 5 FSH (I also had a requisition from my local Napro doc that said that same thing). She took an extra vial of blood just in case, but I am sure that she will ensure that my sample gets to Omaha!
The tech said something very interesting. She asked for my cell phone number just in case she had any questions. She said that I was very knowledgeable and that she knew that I knew what I needed inside and out. She complimented me on being my own advocate and that, "If you want something, you need to go and get it. No one is going to do it for you."
Prophetic words.
She was like an angel speaking to me. I need to persevere, regardless of how hard all of this seems.
One more appointment. Dr. Nora at 4:45pm. Thank God that she doesn't need to take blood or poke my ladyparts!
I have goosebumps all over 'cos I started with cold water and now I'm shivering!
I have the day off for my day 5 ultrasound (the baseline before I head south for my Napro ultrasounds) and blood work (which will be shipped to Omaha).
I end off the day with a visit to Dr. Nora.
How I wish I could have fun relaxing and watching girly movies, rather than preparing myself for surgery #3.
[sigh]
_____________________________
I am so thankful to be home. It was not a fun morning. At all.
I was very happy to get to the ultrasound clinic without too much fuss. The office was quite the way away and I knew that navigating morning rush hour traffic wouldn't be fun. I got there on time and I didn't have to wait.
That's when the fortune ended.
I have been through many, many ultrasounds. When the technician asked me what the reason for my ultrasound was, I knew that it was going to go downhill from there. Didn't she read the d*mn requisition???? I told her primary infertility and that it was my day 5 baseline ultrasound. She told me to lie down (which was not comfortable since my bladder was so darned full) and then asked how long we had been TTC.
She's lucky that I was so distracted from my full bladder because I was ready to cry or punch her, but I calmly said, "Six years." Although I wanted to add, does it really matter? It's obvious that you have no idea what six years of barrenness has done to me.
[deep breath]
She finished the external ultrasound and I was told to pee. Honestly, the pee after filling one's bladder is the most joyous experience!
When I returned to the room I was told to take all of my bottoms off and to put on the ridiculous paper gown. I lay down and she inserted the dildocam and she just went to town. She wasn't gentle, despite my telling her that it was painful. Like I said, I've had many ultrasounds and I know that they are not supposed to be painful. My deep, yoga breathing helped, a bit, but it was still so uncomfortable that I had tears in my eyes -- which says a lot since I have a high pain tolerance (I've lived with stage 4 endo, I know what pain is!). The entire scan took about ten minutes, but it seemed like hours. At the end I asked the tech why it hurt so much and she said, "Well you have endometriosis, that's why." She's lucky I didn't kick her in the teeth.
[another deep breath]
So next was my day 5 blood work. I drove back home and found the lab (which is a new lab because only certain labs will ship blood to the US). I felt very confident that the lab would be able to handle shipping my blood to Omaha since I spoke to a very nice lady at their head office. Alas, I was wrong.
After waiting for almost half and hour the receptionist was all confused about my requisition. I explained to her that I had spoken to head office and that I was told that they were able to ship my blood to the US and that if she needed to talk to someone that I had their phone number and extension. I went back and forth with the woman at the desk at least four times. She brought in more than one colleague to help her out with my situation. Thank God another woman came in and calmly explained to her what to do. The biggest glitch was the price that I was quoted was wrong because of the dry ice and extra packaging that was needed.
God was merciful on me enough to send me a very thorough technician. She went over the requisition from Dr. Hilgers with a fine tooth comb. The woman at the desk highlighted that I needed post-Peak blood work done as well, but I insisted that it was just day 5 FSH (I also had a requisition from my local Napro doc that said that same thing). She took an extra vial of blood just in case, but I am sure that she will ensure that my sample gets to Omaha!
The tech said something very interesting. She asked for my cell phone number just in case she had any questions. She said that I was very knowledgeable and that she knew that I knew what I needed inside and out. She complimented me on being my own advocate and that, "If you want something, you need to go and get it. No one is going to do it for you."
Prophetic words.
She was like an angel speaking to me. I need to persevere, regardless of how hard all of this seems.
One more appointment. Dr. Nora at 4:45pm. Thank God that she doesn't need to take blood or poke my ladyparts!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)