Adopt-A-Blogger

If you asked me on my wedding day in 2005 what my journey to motherhood would be like, I would not have had any idea.

I’ve journeyed long.

Very, very long.

And I’ve shed so many, many tears.

And I’m still here.

Four surgeries.

Thousands and thousands of dollars spent.

Injections. Pills. Supplements. Suppositories.

I’ve thought so many times that I’d like to wake up from this dream.

If only it was a dream.

I thought that after emptying our bank account (and then some) we would be closer to becoming biological parents.

I thought that after many novenas, rosaries, pilgrimages to so many different churches in both Europe and North America that our prayers would be answered.

It seems like God has another plan for us.

A plan that has taken me a LONG time to come to terms with.

I am so thankful for Amy and her idea to adopt-a-blogger. Mr. JB and I start our next phase of our adoption journey this month. I finally feel ready to get started on our  home study.

It took seven and a half years. Four surgeries. Countless appointments with numerous doctors.

And completely losing it in July when we found out that I just wasn’t ovulating (which I still believe to be at the core of our problem now that I have a freed pelvis and no more endo).

So as I venture into the 2WW and I ask my posse of saints: St. Gianna, Sts. Ann and Joachim, St. Gerard and Blessed John Paul II as well as my patron for 2013, St. Philip, I am welcoming all of your prayers. I know that it is because of this wonderful blogging community that I have not lost my mind.

Please pray that the next steps in our new journey are not fraught with landmines. It seems as though God wanted to test us to see if we were 100% ready to become parents.

Or at least that is what I’m telling myself.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And apparently, I’m training to become the strongest lady in the world.

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If you want more information about Adopt-A-Blogger head over and visit Amy at her blog.

FML or The Stresses of Being IF

I just spent the past hour in the car.

In a snowstorm.

Yes, a Canadian snowstorm.

It's pretty freaking bad out there.

Do you know why I was out in this horrible weather instead of under a blanket drinking a cup of tea? I had forgotten to get my blood drawn for my hormone profile (yes, I've lost count how many I've had, but I refused to have an ultrasound series done as well, I just couldn't do that). I had stayed a little later at school so I could tidy up and get a few things ready for Monday. I had gone every day after school, but it just slipped my mind. I guess my sore inner arms weren't reminder enough.

I was all excited to go get my nails done (yes, even a snowstorm wasn't going to stop me from being vain), and I realized that I had completely forgotten. Have I mentioned that the lab is really close to my school, but not very close to my house.

I drove for forty-five minutes (the drive usually takes fifteen minutes, tops) to arrive at a closed lab. I really shouldn't have tried, but I had no idea how quickly or slowly I would get there. I could've banged on the door since I got there just a few minutes after it closed, but I felt so defeated that I turned around and went home.

At least the drive only took half an hour.

I tried to offer up the frustration, but I felt like such an idiot.

I realize that missing one blood draw isn't the end of the world AND I can go in the morning (which also means that I don't have to go on Monday, which also happens to be my birthday, who wants to have blood drawn on their birthday???). If it wasn't so close to Peak day I wouldn't have worried.

FML

I was so upset that I even shoveled the snow, which is light and fluffy and very easy to shovel.

I feel like crying in frustration, but after this many years of IF, I just need to shrug it off.

And wake up early so I don't have to wait in line FOREVER at the lab.

And yes, I can get my nails done tomorrow or Sunday when the weather isn't crazy bad.

What I really should've done is forgotten about the lab and just went to the nail salon. In retrospect, there was no way I could've made it to the lab in time.

Live and learn, right?

I got to practice my mad driving skills -- I'm really good at driving in the snow, although I touched my St. Christopher visor clip more than once and said a few Hail Marys for help.

Lord God, what IF makes us do.

[sigh]

Hello 2013 & Prayer Buddy Reveal

First off, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

I'm hoping that the new year will bring more fruitful posting since 2012 was a blogging drought. Hmmm, that sounds like a resolution.

Mr. JB and I have had a busy, but a great holiday. We were able to stay home and his dad stayed with us for a few days. We saw Warhorse to kick off the holiday and to celebrate his dad's 76th birthday. We had to attend two Christmas parties since my crazy mother is fighting with some of her siblings. I have not blogged about it, but it has been an unending source of frustration for me. As most of you know, we have a strained relationship, and this has made it worse. I prayed my Christmas novena with the intention of family healing, but it hasn't happened yet.

But on to more happy things...

I got Mr. JB tickets to see the Pitts.burgh Ste.elers for Christmas. For those of you that are friends with me on FB, you know that I was more than a little afraid of being outside for four hours watching the one sport that I do not like (or understand!). It was great to see my husband's absolute joy during the game and they also won (although the game didn't count). The best part of going to Pitt.sburgh was seeing Rebecca and her husband!  They drove into the city, picked us up and we all had dinner together. It was so great to see her and to meet her dh. I was also glad that our husbands had one another to talk to while we commiserated. I think it's so cool that we got to see one another TWICE in 2012!

We got home in time to jump right back in the car to attend my best friend's parents' New Year's Eve party. We spent a couple of days with them since we hadn't seen them in a couple of weeks and we had nothing else to do. It was so nice to just sit around and relax with them. I still miss them so much and I wish that I could just go over to their house whenever I wanted, but I just have to get used to the fact that our lives have changed. It also made me feel better to hear her say that she missed her house here and so do her kids.

This morning we had an appointment with our Napro doctor and the appointment went so well! It's been a LONG time since I felt good about a fertility-related appointment. First off, my FSH has gone down to 10!!! It hasn't been that low since before my surgeries in Omaha. She doesn't think that it's related to the low-dose HCG, but I believe that it's definitely helping. She wants to continue with this protocol which is fine with me, although the daily needles are not fun. She wants me to have my B12, iron and vitamin D levels checked tomorrow (she wants me to have it done on P+6 since P+8 is a Sunday, I didn't start my HCG until P+4 since I didn't have my HCG with me at my bf's house).

Mr. JB said that he hadn't seen me that relaxed at an appointment before, which I guess is a good thing. I feel so much more relaxed since I started seeing the IF counselor. It was a definite blessing to have starting seeing her before the holidays. She showed me a few coping strategies that really helped. I'm also excited to start our homestudy process. It can't start soon enough!

Lastly, Mr. JB and I got amazing patron saints for 2013. I drew St. Philip Neri (who was the patron of my old school) and he got St. Nicholas! We did the draw at my bf's house and she chose one too and she got St. John Kanty.  I don't know what we did to have gotten such amazing patron saints! 

Oh 2013, I am so looking forward to what you have in store for us!
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Prayer Buddy Reveal:

I had the pleasure of praying for Jeanne G from Knowledge Hungry. I didn't read her blog before we were matched up, but I am so glad that I was introduced to a new blogger.

I prayed The Christmas Rose Novena, Christmas Novena and the St. Andrew Chaplet for your intentions. I also offered up a lot of my teacher-related frustration for you -- although my class is so good and sweet, the last week of school was tough to get through!

I look forward to following your blog and I will continue to pray for you!

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Thank you so much to Sarah at A Child to Call Me Mama for praying for me! When I got her e-mail I was so excited that she had prayed for me. We're endo sisters and she's an adoptive mama. Sarah your prayers were so powerful. I felt so at peace during the craziness of Advent and I made through all of December without getting sick (although I'm sick with an annoying cough now). God bless you and your beautiful family!!!

And lastly, thank you so much to all of the bloggers that offered prayers and intentions for all of us that are still waiting. Christmas is such a difficult time, but your prayers helped make it that much easier! God bless all of you!

[sigh]

No Christmas miracle for the JellyBellies.

Oh, 2012, how you held so much promise. I really hope that 2013 is a much gentler year.

Argh

Dear Formerly IF Colleague,

I think it's great that you are pg. I am so glad that you don't have to suffer through more years of IF like I do, but do you really have to talk about your pregnancy all the time?

The "sex announcement" cupcakes were cute, but I feel like they're mocking me. The talk about the baby names you've chosen, the things you've bought for your nursery and all things baby are kinda driving me nuts, especially when you go on and on in the staff room while I'm eating my lunch.

Give an IF girl a break!!!!

Obviously you have forgotten the pain of IF. I wish I could, but I'm still on the outside, looking in.

Love,
JB

ps Thank God for my IF counsellor. If it wasn't for our meeting on Monday this would've been a much angrier post.

Sometimes...

...I wish that I could wake up and realize that the past seven years of IF was just a dream.

I wish I could wake up to a house full of children and all the chaos they come with.

Their stuff.

Their smells.

I wish that I could complain about how tired, frustrated, annoyed or burnt out I feel to other mothers.

I wish I didn't have to work outside of my home. I wish that I spent all day teaching my own children.

I wish I was sleep-deprived.

Unable to exercise.

Covered in spit-up.

I wish that my body would work.

Just once.

I promise, if given the chance I won't forget the pain of IF. I will not take a moment of motherhood for granted. Even in the midst of many sleepless nights, sick babies, and defiant children.

Please God, if it is Your will, please hear me.

I'm so tired of the wait.

So very, very tired.

Admitting Weakness

So it hit me last week.

The reason why I've been dragging my feet with regards to our homestudy.

We found a social worker that we want to work with.

She answered our questions promptly.

Mr. JB is ready to go.

And then, I stopped in my tracks.

Frozen.

Then while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have too many IF issues that I haven't dealt with. There is too much pain and disappointment that I've carried around these past seven years -- yes, even resetting one's TTC clock to zero last year didn't help. I didn't get amnesia, nor did all the hurt disappear.

I wished that it could have, but it didn't.

I need to fix myself before we can move on. I don't want a child (or children) to come into our home with a broken mother.

My appointment is on December 3rd.

Not a day too soon. 

I am (trying to be) thankful

I am thankful that we finally contacted a social worker. I am also thankful that Mr JB sent the email since I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am thankful that tomorrow is a PD day and I don't have to teach students. I love my class, but I need a break.

I am thankful for good, hot tea. It was a cold morning and it really helped warm me up. What am I going to do this winter????? Oh yeah, wear the new winter coat that bought that's rated to -40.

I am thankful that we have almost paid off one of our bills from Creighton. One more payment and then we'll only have the big hospital bill to pay off (we'll be done paying that one off January 2014).

I am thankful that we are both gainfully employed so we can pay off the above bills.

I am thankful for being able to text my girlfriends that are far away. If it wasn't for your texts I would've already gone crazy.

I am thankful that AF started during mass. I was able to ask God for strength to get through another month.

I am especially thankful to work in a publicly funded Catholic school where I can pray whenever I want.

I am grateful for this blogging community. I know that even when I feel down and disappointed, I can come here and find comfort.

Torn

I wish I could tell you all that we are full steam ahead on the adoption train. Last week was insane with parent-teacher interviews and just plain exhaustion -- by the time I get home in the evening I barely have the energy to eat supper before I fall asleep. I have narrowed the list of social workers to contact to two and I'm going to have Mr. JB call them.

I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.

We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).

Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.

I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.

My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't. 

I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.

My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!

What would you do?

p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.

An anniversary...

One year ago, I was just coming to in a hospital room in Omaha. The extent of my laparotomy was barely sinking in and I was in rough shape.

The first night in the hospital involved intense itching (from the antibiotic that I was given) and a blood transfusion -- which I was not happy about, although I could barely articulate why.

I didn't expect to still be childless, one year later. And I am trying not to dwell on the disappointment.

I made plans, and God did laugh.

But He also has lead us down a new path.

Thank you again for all of you support and prayers. One day, I hope soon, I will be able to look back and see why our Lord has chosen this particular road for us.

All Saints, pray for us!