[sigh]

No Christmas miracle for the JellyBellies.

Oh, 2012, how you held so much promise. I really hope that 2013 is a much gentler year.

Argh

Dear Formerly IF Colleague,

I think it's great that you are pg. I am so glad that you don't have to suffer through more years of IF like I do, but do you really have to talk about your pregnancy all the time?

The "sex announcement" cupcakes were cute, but I feel like they're mocking me. The talk about the baby names you've chosen, the things you've bought for your nursery and all things baby are kinda driving me nuts, especially when you go on and on in the staff room while I'm eating my lunch.

Give an IF girl a break!!!!

Obviously you have forgotten the pain of IF. I wish I could, but I'm still on the outside, looking in.

Love,
JB

ps Thank God for my IF counsellor. If it wasn't for our meeting on Monday this would've been a much angrier post.

Sometimes...

...I wish that I could wake up and realize that the past seven years of IF was just a dream.

I wish I could wake up to a house full of children and all the chaos they come with.

Their stuff.

Their smells.

I wish that I could complain about how tired, frustrated, annoyed or burnt out I feel to other mothers.

I wish I didn't have to work outside of my home. I wish that I spent all day teaching my own children.

I wish I was sleep-deprived.

Unable to exercise.

Covered in spit-up.

I wish that my body would work.

Just once.

I promise, if given the chance I won't forget the pain of IF. I will not take a moment of motherhood for granted. Even in the midst of many sleepless nights, sick babies, and defiant children.

Please God, if it is Your will, please hear me.

I'm so tired of the wait.

So very, very tired.

Admitting Weakness

So it hit me last week.

The reason why I've been dragging my feet with regards to our homestudy.

We found a social worker that we want to work with.

She answered our questions promptly.

Mr. JB is ready to go.

And then, I stopped in my tracks.

Frozen.

Then while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have too many IF issues that I haven't dealt with. There is too much pain and disappointment that I've carried around these past seven years -- yes, even resetting one's TTC clock to zero last year didn't help. I didn't get amnesia, nor did all the hurt disappear.

I wished that it could have, but it didn't.

I need to fix myself before we can move on. I don't want a child (or children) to come into our home with a broken mother.

My appointment is on December 3rd.

Not a day too soon. 

I am (trying to be) thankful

I am thankful that we finally contacted a social worker. I am also thankful that Mr JB sent the email since I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am thankful that tomorrow is a PD day and I don't have to teach students. I love my class, but I need a break.

I am thankful for good, hot tea. It was a cold morning and it really helped warm me up. What am I going to do this winter????? Oh yeah, wear the new winter coat that bought that's rated to -40.

I am thankful that we have almost paid off one of our bills from Creighton. One more payment and then we'll only have the big hospital bill to pay off (we'll be done paying that one off January 2014).

I am thankful that we are both gainfully employed so we can pay off the above bills.

I am thankful for being able to text my girlfriends that are far away. If it wasn't for your texts I would've already gone crazy.

I am thankful that AF started during mass. I was able to ask God for strength to get through another month.

I am especially thankful to work in a publicly funded Catholic school where I can pray whenever I want.

I am grateful for this blogging community. I know that even when I feel down and disappointed, I can come here and find comfort.

Torn

I wish I could tell you all that we are full steam ahead on the adoption train. Last week was insane with parent-teacher interviews and just plain exhaustion -- by the time I get home in the evening I barely have the energy to eat supper before I fall asleep. I have narrowed the list of social workers to contact to two and I'm going to have Mr. JB call them.

I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.

We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).

Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.

I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.

My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't. 

I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.

My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!

What would you do?

p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.

An anniversary...

One year ago, I was just coming to in a hospital room in Omaha. The extent of my laparotomy was barely sinking in and I was in rough shape.

The first night in the hospital involved intense itching (from the antibiotic that I was given) and a blood transfusion -- which I was not happy about, although I could barely articulate why.

I didn't expect to still be childless, one year later. And I am trying not to dwell on the disappointment.

I made plans, and God did laugh.

But He also has lead us down a new path.

Thank you again for all of you support and prayers. One day, I hope soon, I will be able to look back and see why our Lord has chosen this particular road for us.

All Saints, pray for us!

Tissues at the ready...

The perfect movie for a rainy Sunday afternoon for a woman that is so ready to adopt...

Good thing I bought a bunch of tissue at Cost.co this past week.

Home

I have blogged before about the importance of music in my life.  And this morning, the message in this song hit particularly close to home. Listen to the lyrics, they fit the adoption journey so well!

We finished our P.RIDE training yesterday and I feel so excited about this new step in our life. I have to admit that the arrival of CD1 barely crossed my emotional radar -- I haven't felt this relaxed about AF arriving since before my surgeries!

Mr. JB and I are almost certain that we are going to pursue public domestic adoption through the C.AS, something that we started talking about a few years ago, before we started down the route of my multiple surgeries.  What helped solidify our decision was a family that came to speak to us. They had undergone fertility treatments which resulted in a stillbirth, so they had decided to pursue international adoption.

Unfortunately, after all their paperwork (and most likely, a lot of money) they discovered that they wouldn't be able to continue with their adoption because the husband had suffered from cancer. Soon after their failed attempt they started the process with C.AS and within a year and a half they adopted three siblings! Two out of their three adopted children were present and they looked so happy and well-adjusted. The most heart-warming part of their story was that they miraculously became pg (yes, the "if you adopt you get pg cure to IF!").  Their older children were over the moon at the arrival of their new sister and the eldest child decided to stay home with the baby rather than speak to us -- something completely understandable!

Mr. JB and I are definitely open to sibling groups, although we don't have room for more than two children in our current home. Then again, bunk beds are always an option!

Our next step is finding a social worker to get our homestudy done. That e-mail is going to get sent tomorrow.

For the first time in a very long time my heart feels at peace. God is leading us down this path and I feel His hand steering us the entire way. 

Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!

Changing my heart...

Our first weekend of P.RIDE training went well. The first day was overwhelming, but I'm so glad that we are taking the course. From what we can guess, there is only one non-IF couple in the class with us! 

After the first day I was almost 100% certain that we were going to pursue international adoption, but yesterday there was a guest speaker that planted another seed. She said that the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety is looking for mixed race couples, particularly Caucasian/Asian and Caucasian/Black couples. Apparently there aren't a lot of biracial couples that are looking to adopt! 

The CAS adoption is definitely attractive for one big reason: cost. There isn't one (although we decided to pay for our adoption training and most likely will be paying for our own home study -- I'm done with waiting!!). It would also help with my plan to be a stay-at-home mom AND we do have the HUGE debt we are still paying off to Omaha. 

I am definitely excited by the new options. I have felt so frustrated at the doors that seem to have been closing for us, this weekend just showed us that there are more avenues that we can pursue to become parents!

I also know that I am going to need to do some therapy before we go too far into our new journey. I haven't gotten past the anger of IF and I want to be able to work through those feelings. I knew that the time was coming, and we talked about all the feelings of loss that adoption can bring about. I am tired of carrying the weight of my sadness around. 

So there we are. I can't wait until next weekend. It definitely is a big perk being an educator since we seemed to know so many of the answers!