The Envelope

...that will (start the) change our lives.

It seems like everything in my life is saying no to me.

I wish that I could return to the blogworld with happy news, or even a more positive outlook.

But I can't.

And I'm worried that if I don't return to blogging that I will lose my mind.

So here I am, after almost a month away -- which I needed. My mental state needed the break, and I was feeling so low and angry that I didn't want to sully the internets with my negativity.

Btw, the situation that I asked for all of you to pray for is getting better. I couldn't decide whether or not to share what was going on (another excuse as to why I took my break), and after much prayer and contemplation I decided that I'm not going to. The situation is better and I know that your prayers helped. Maybe one day I will be ready to blog about it, but right now I can't.

You can probably guess from the tone of this post that my trigger cycle didn't result in a miraculous pregnancy. That cycle only got to Peak +9 -- yes, even with progesterone supplementation. I decided that since my luteal phase was so short that I would take the next cycle off and I'm P+10 of my break cycle number one.

I really needed the break.

And it seems as though my break is going to be a little longer since we got some more bad results today at the doctor's office.

Not only is my AMH level really low (it's 0.16ng/mL where it needs to be more than 0.69 to be considered normal), but now Mr. JB's most recent seminal fluid analysis was not good. In fact, it was horrible. His count was low, there wasn't any motility and the morphology was only 61%.

Despite all of this, our Napro doctor isn't sounding the alarm. She wants me to take two more months off, so no trigger shots and just post-Peak HCG for me since my PMS has been so bad that I fear for the lives of those close to me. She wants us to repeat the SFA in six weeks (which I'm sure will come out normal, Mr. JB has done five other SFA's and they were all normal).

On our way home I admitted to Mr. JB that I think that God does not want us to be biological parents. All factors are pointing to no, there is not denying it. I have low ovarian reserve and now we have no sperm. I honestly felt like God was kicking me in the teeth.

And for the first time in a LONG time, IF brought me to tears.

Thank God for big, dark sunglasses.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. Mr. JB and I feel like we've been completely abandoned. It's hard to admit it, but I can barely pray anymore. I'm going through the motions and I'm just not feeling it.

In the past month I've had a failed cycle, my best friend moved away, and we started school (thank God, my class is so good!). I'm not even going to get into the labour unrest for our province's teachers. I can't barely watch the news or read the paper because it stresses me out so much.

I keep telling myself that I've had almost a year of pain-free living. I am so grateful for having that, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it isn't enough.

I am so grateful for your prayers, your comments and your e-mails. The blogging community has been such a blessing. I hope that this phase passes with my whole self intact. Unfortunately, I know that it isn't going to be pretty. 

Yet another prayer request

I feel like all I've been doing is ask for prayers.

I'm sorry to be vague, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around this latest stumbling block in our lives, and this time it has nothing to do with my ladyparts.

I promise more details when I am able. For now, I need to prepare for a workshop I'm teaching tomorrow and Wednesday and I need to be at the top of my game.

Please, please pray for us.

Could you watch this movie?

It seems like IF has been Disn.ey-fied.

I saw the preview for this film and I was instantly intrigued.

So, could you watch it?

p.s. This 2WW sucks. Big, fat donkey balls.

St. Rita, Pray for Us!

This image of St. Rita is going to be on the façade of the altar in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel at St. Rita's Shrine

A relic (which I believe is her skin)

        















So, here goes nothing, or everything -- it just depends on how you look at it.

I've been trying not to think about what may happen after this trigger shot. I have already convinced myself that it isn't going to work -- not the best way to look at things, I know.

I also don't think that it's a coincidence that I finished a novena to St. Maximilian Kolbe AND I'm finishing my consecration to Mary tomorrow.

No, I don't believe in coincidences. God-incidences, however, I believe in 150%.

I'm trying so hard to surrender my fear and trust.

I guess we'll see how I actually do in about two weeks.

St. Rita, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, Sts. Anne and Joachim, St. Jude, pray for us!!!

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Post-trigger shot update: I couldn't use the HUGE needle that our Napro doctor gave us to do the shot, so Mr. JB and I used two of my regular HCG needles. It took multiple tries since I'm more than a little scared of needles, but it's done. Ouch!

I'm still here...

...but I've been on full vacation mode (Here I am enjoying a cherry ice with my feet in the fountain in Philly). 

I would like to thank those of you that are praying the St. Rita Novena on my behalf (and on the behalf of all the other IF'ers still in waiting). We visited the National Shrine of St. Rita Cascia and I prayed for all of my IF sisters, as well as Mrs. Hebrews' baby Claire. I left our intentions beside her relics and I lit a candle for all of you. Mrs. Hebrews and I are going to say the novena one extra day to cover trigger day, I would love it if you joined us!

I'm trying my hardest to not think about our trigger shot on the 14th, although it's hard not to. I'm not looking forward to having to inject myself in a hotel room in Pitts.burg (we decided to visit so Mr. JB can see the city where his beloved St.eelers play!). We also wanted to hit the outlet mall in Gro.ve C.ity since we are both quite disappointed with the shopping here in William.sburg.

I've had two highlights to our trip, thus far. Mr. JB and I had breakfast with Karey and her beautiful family. Clara is even cuter in person and she has to be the friendliest toddler that I have ever met! I have been called the "baby whisperer" more than once, but I've never had a child jump into my arms five seconds after meeting her! It always gives me hope to see a former IF buddy with their family!

This morning we attended mass at the most beautiful parish. We had driven by the sign in our travels, but we had no idea how beautiful the grounds were AND how large the parking lot was. Mr. JB and I have visited a lot of churches in our time and we have never seen such a sight. To top it off there was a police officer directing traffic into the parking lot! He saluted every car that drove in and out! So cool!

I've enjoyed being super lazy during our stay in Vi.rginia. I've barely read and I've slept in every morning. I even ate lunch in my pyjamas yesterday! I had a long, hard school year and I want to make sure that I'm rested for the new kiddos!

So, I'm going to stop "working" so hard so I can get into my comfies to watch the closing ceremonies of the Olym.pics. I don't want to get over-tired! 

Ripping off the bandaid, slowly

I have been trying to wrap my head around the repercussions of my appointment with my Napro doctor on Tuesday. Part of me didn't even want to go, and if I wasn't going to be charged $35 to miss the appointment, I would have.

I know that Dr. T is a wonderful doctor, and I know that I am so blessed to have her in my life. This post is proof.

Tuesday afternoon was just another example of how wonderful she is.

She actually seemed excited that I hadn't ovulated during this last ultrasound series/hormone panel.

Yes folks, excited.

She seems to think that this may be the missing link as to why we haven't conceived yet. You see, this was my fourth (is there a prize for that?) ultrasound series and this is the first time I did not ovulate. She thinks that my high FSH and new post-surgical ladyparts, that ovulation has become my problem.

So she wants us to try an HCG trigger shot for two months and post-peak progesterone. Since my hormones, CM, and follicles seem to be okay I don't need any more C.lomid or any other ovulation drugs. She seemed so confident that we could conceive that she checked the calendar to see if she would be back from her vacation (she is going to do some mission work in Africa for three weeks, honestly she is an angel!) in the time that I could possibly be pregnant.

I wanted so badly to tell her that I just couldn't do it, but her positivity started to sway me. It also didn't help that Mr. JB got all excited as well.

Part of me thinks that I need to try this new course of treatment. I need to see it through and then start the new TTC-free chapter of my life. But another part of me just wants to run and hide.

Two more months of TTC. Can I do it?

St. Anne, pray for us!

Be Kind, Be Gentle

The last time I saw my wonderful craniosacral therapist I asked her if I was keeping myself from getting pg.

K and I have built an amazing friendship and she is one of the most kindhearted people I have ever met. I knew that I was in a safe space and I knew that I could ask her the question and get an honest answer.

As all of you know, I have been in a struggle. I am fed up with my body and I am discerning what to do next. And by the way, thank you all for your kind comments, prayers and e-mails. I have re-read them all many times since my last post and they have brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.

K asked me to name my fears, I didn't have to do it out loud, but she encouraged me to recognize them. In recognizing our fears, we can finally face them.

So here I am, facing the worst of my fears.

Giving up my dream of biological motherhood is something that I have not wanted to do, but if I don't I am afraid that I am going to lose myself. I knew that my heart would tell me when I was done, and I think this is what it is telling me to do.

During our session K asked me what message I was hearing from my body. And these words came loud and clear:

Be kind. Be gentle.

At first she laughed since it sounded more like an order rather than a piece of wise advice. She asked me to change the tone from a command to a suggestion.

I have been repeating these words to myself over and over since Thursday.

Be kind. Be gentle.

I am trying so hard to take my own advice. I am trying so hard not to let the despair that I have been feeling completely take over my life. I am trying to let the Lord and prayer guide me through this.

I know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I just need to open my eyes to see it. 

St. Anne, pray for us!

I surrender

I wish I didn't have to post this.

I'm done folks.

I want off the TTC train.

Now.

I'm in the midst of my fourth ultrasound series and it seems as though my ovaries are not cooperating.

I feel like such a fool after spending all that money in Omaha, since it seems like my ladyparts have more problems that surgery didn't fix.

I don't know why God has given me this cross to bear. It's far too heavy for me to carry.

I need to put it down.

Seven years is much too long and my heart can't take any more.

I'm sorry for such a sad post, particularly when there is so much happiness in blogland.

I just need to figure out a way to mourn my fertility without completely falling apart.

Lord, please have mercy on my weary soul.

Seven...

...years and absolutely no itch!!!!

Thank you Mr. JB for making me the happiest girl in the world!

Btw, if you're so inclined you can read this questionnaire that I filled out for our fourth anniversary.

Our Lady of Mount Carmel, pray for us!