Leaving On A Jet Plane

Today marks the tenth anniversary of my leaving for France.

My what a difference a decade makes!

In retrospect I was a very naive 25 year old. Yes, I had been away to university. And yes, I had traveled away from home. But it was nothing like leaving all that was familiar to live on another continent!

I have blogged quite a bit about my love of all things French. I make my living teaching in French, and (much to Mr. JB's chagrin) our home is decorated with many photos and souvenirs of my travels in France. My eighteen month stay in France wasn't just a long party (although I did quite a bit!). It was my very first experience in spreading my wings without the safety net of my family and friends.

When I think back to the person that I was ten years ago I see myself as being fearless. I didn't think twice about accepting the job offer to teach in Paris. I didn't flinch when I had to look for an apartment in a foreign city. I wasn't even afraid when I had to battle with the French bureaucrats regarding my work permits and visas.

I traveled all over Europe on my own. I saw so many different countries and met many different people. I also wrestled with extreme loneliness. I had never spent so much time on my own before, and I was forced to be comfortable with my own company.

My stint in France taught me so many life lessons. I learned to stand up for what I wanted. I learned to be assertive. I learned that if I worked hard that I would achieve whatever I wanted.

In the past four and a half years of TTC, I have forgotten the strong, self-assured woman that I became ten years ago. I walked the beautiful streets of Paris with confidence. At times I was plagued with horrible loneliness and homesickness, but I figured out a way to work through it.

I know that the past six months have been particularly hard on me, emotionally and physically. My physical difficulties have wreaked havoc on my emotional state and the confidence I had about my body working, has waned on more than one occasion I've seen my friends become mothers and get pregnant, and rather than be filled with hope, I only saw the shortcomings of my empty uterus.

I wish that I could channel the excitement of the unknown that I felt all those years ago. Don't get me wrong, I cried like a baby while the plane taxied on the runway. I shed many tears when I phoned home. I lit a candle every Sunday at Notre Dame Cathedral and I cried while saying the rosary after every mass.

But I got through it.

I hope that ten years from now that I will be able to look back and see how much more I have accomplished. I hope to be able to look back fondly on this time of infertility as a time where I became an even stronger woman.

There is no way that I could've seen what I would accomplish since my stay in France. I don't know if I could've believed the fact that I would have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and a fulfilling career. I am fulfilled in pretty much every aspect of my life, except for motherhood.

And that's huge.

I have no idea what the next ten years will bring me. I don't know how motherhood is going to happen for me -- be it biologically or via adoption. At this point, I'd like to think that it doesn't matter. I would like to believe that I will be able to realize all of my dreams since they really aren't that "out there." I would also like to believe that I have the tenacity to see it all through.

I can't be scared anymore. My 25 year old self would be shocked to see what a chicken I've become.

I don't want to disappoint her.

p.s. Speaking of fear, I've made my decision.

I'm going to take the grade two position.

There you go, I wrote it. I can't take it back now. ;)

Eeek!!! What do I do????

Thank God I do not have anything fertility related to blog (although my fertile CM is looking really good, what a great bday present!).

I just talked to my principal. I was a bit late handing in my grade placement sheet but I figured that it wouldn't be a problem since I was just going to put grade one down again. I joked when I saw him that he probably knew what I wanted to teach. 

But then he said, "How about teaching grade two?"

And I almost fainted.

I don't want change. I want to stay in the same grade so I can teach a familiar program while I'm TTC. I also don't want to teach with my crazy partner from last year, although he wants her to move up to grade three. 

The big conundrum is that if I change grades I would have some of the same cuties that I have now AND I get to teach the sacraments (which my principal mentioned since he knows that I'm all about teaching religion). 

What do I do? I told him that I would think about it, but I'm panicking right now!

Help!

Signs

So after my post last night I had not one, but two meetings to rush off to. Needless to say, I'm pretty wiped out this morning.

As I was driving home I had yet another conversation with God. We do a lot of talking while I'm driving the car. 

Since my state my mind was pretty pitiful I asked Him to give me a sign, any sign, that I was going to be a mother. The last time I asked I saw a beautiful rainbow on my way home from yoga class. 

Do you know what I saw this morning?

Snow.

Beautiful, billowy snow.

Since I am a winter baby that was born during a blizzard, I love snow. Actually, I love winter and all that comes with it (I don't ever have to shovel, so of course I don't mind it!). 

When Mr. JB opened the front door to get the newspaper he called out to me, "You got your present!"

I was a bit confused since he had already given me my birthday gift (a couple more charms for my P.andora bracelet, one of which is a snowman). So I called down to ask him what he meant.

When I looked outside I saw it all falling. 

We have had an abnormally mild winter, as far as snow goes. We had a bit in December, but it's been so mild that it almost looks like spring.

I started to laugh and I told Mr. JB about my lament in the car. 

It snowed almost all the way to work and as soon as I arrived in my school's driveway it stopped and now it is beautifully sunny outside.

So I think that the big guy gave me quite a sign! It's all going to be okay. 

There you go 35, I'm coming to get you and I'm not going to let you scare me anymore! 

p.s. Can you please say a little prayer for my mother-in-law? Today is her 20th death anniversary and it's been a particularly difficult milestone for Mr. JB. 

Staring Down 35

It's my birthday eve, friends.

And I'm petrified.

I am usually very excited about celebrating my birthday. I always have a birthday party and I always tell my class about my special day.

This year I am filled with dread. Absolute dread.

I realize that my fear is irrational and that I'm the healthiest I have ever been (this is my first birthday that I am endo-free) and that women older than I am go on to have biological children, but I just can't shake the fear that I have been carrying around in my heart.

I remember when I was in my 20's and reading about older women (read: over 35) who were trying to conceive and how there is an increased risk of birth defects and abnormalities. As a teacher I've seen the older parents at interview night just looking completely tired and defeated.

I don't want to be that woman.

I am also afraid that I am going to see another year pass with an empty womb and an empty house.

I don't know how much more waiting that I can take.

I keep on telling myself that it's just a number. I know that I take good care of myself and that we have only been on the TTC bandwagon since December (we weren't really allowed to TTC after my first post-Lupron period) and that I have a year (which I'm counting from that first period in November 2009) until I should start to really worry.

It also doesn't help that I had some light spotting this morning -- Mr. JB and I "used a day of fertility" last night. Same thing happened last month around the middle of my cycle. It almost reminds me of when I first started charting using the CrMS. I was bleeding all over the place! I almost feel like my body is taking a HUGE step backwards!

I see my Napro doctor on February 8th and she is going to have quite a laundry list of questions from me! I also hope that I don't get trouble for using the F.emara without her go-ahead (well, she did give me the prescription!).

I have to stop.

I'm going to take my last nap as a 34 year old and hopefully when I wake up my existential crisis will be less of a panic.

p.s. Sew asked in the comment section of my last post regarding paying for the P.RIDE training that is required to adopt in my province. I guess Mr. JB and I could come up with the $1400 (it's $750 per person), but I have some strong feels against the commodification of adoption. I wish that private adoption sat better with me, but I honestly feel that we are called to adopt via the C.hildren's A.id So.ciety. I know that we're going to go to the information meeting and I think that we're going to have a lot to talk about. Perhaps we're just meant to wait, honestly it's almost been five years, what's a few more, right?

p.p.s. I went to a meeting today and I saw some fellow teachers that I haven't seen since October. A couple of them commented on how much weight I've lost since the last time we met. I have no idea how much I weigh since our digital scale has needed a new battery for a year, but I definitely see a difference since going gluten-free. Yet another perk for my new diet!

Talking to the Adoption Intake Worker

So last Friday I was procrastinating (like I am right now!) in my classroom and I figured that I wasn't doing anything particularly important so I had the time to call. I decided to place the call on my cell phone (which is a no no!) in my classroom since I didn't want to use one of the school phones. I don't know why I feel that I need to be secretive, but it's hard to find a private place in an elementary school!

To my surprise the intake worker answered the phone right away. She took a while to find my e-mail since she's has had quite a few requests for adoption information -- which is a good thing, yes?

Adopting from the Child.ren's A.id S.ociety seems to be quite the long and involved process. We have to attend an information meeting on February 22nd and then we need to get trained. The training process is called P.RIDE (I can't remember what the acronym stands for!) and it is 27 hours long . The C.AS runs the training twice a year and there is a waiting list (of course!). We can get certified privately but the course runs about $1400 for the both of us. 

After the P.RIDE training is done then we will be eligible for the home study process. Again, there is a wait list. 

After completing these two steps we will be able to be considered for adoption. 

The intake worker did say that if we were open to more ages and family histories then our opportunities will be more vast. When she asked me what ages we would consider I said not older than 7, but I would be willing to go a bit older. She also stressed that infant adoption is very rare, which I already knew.

I know that I may be reading into our conversation, but she almost sounded like she was trying to dissuade me from the process. She asked me why we were going this route and I told her that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and if we did the private adoption route that we wouldn't be able to afford it.

Now saying all of this, Mr. JB is all on fire to adopt from Haiti. He even said on Sunday that he wants a little kid to say things like, "Arrete Papa," (Stop Dad) to him. 

I know that we could borrow the money, or refinance our mortgage or even borrow from our families, but I don't want to go into any more debt than we are! House renovations, a mortgage and we'll have to buy a new car for Mr. JB  -- the spending list seems endless! 

We definitely need all of your good thoughts and prayers as we start this journey. It seems like there's going to be A LOT more waiting for us! Being an impatient person doesn't help at all! 

Excuses, excuses

I just finished filling another recycling bag full of stuff from the closet in the "room that was to be a nursery." I emptied boxes of stuff that I had in my apartment when I was single -- you have never seen so many candle holders in your life! I've also found a bunch of stuff that I'm going to either take to G.oodwill or Free.cycle, depending on how much energy I have.

I know that I promised that I would blog about my convo with the adoption intake worker, but I'm just so exhausted from my day (not only did I have to see the chiropractor and my GP, I also got my eyebrows done and got a new cable box for the fancy new TV).

I'm going to eat some chocolate and try to stay awake for an episode of B.rothers and S.isters that I PVR'ed two weeks ago!

Hopefully tomorrow I will have more energy!

Busy Sunday

Today was a busy day! After mass -- which was really LONG this morning (we welcomed the kids that were being confirmed, a speech about our parish council elections and our pastor said a long, but very interesting homily) -- we had lunch with my family in celebration of my aunt's 65th birthday. After lunch we went over to my parents' house to water their plants, check their mail and start their cars (they're away until February 11th). Then after that I went to yoga and did a couple of classes. I feel like I haven't had time to take a breath!

I went into the "room that was to be a nursery" a couple of times today and I can definitely see the end in sight. I emptied the room of all the old magazines and Mr. JB is going to the hospital to donate them all. I'm sure someone is going to wonder where all of the magazines from 2003 came from! I also found some stuff that can go to my classroom where I actually have room to store stuff!

So here are some photos of what I did yesterday. It doesn't look like much, but you should see all of the stuff that is going out to the curb tomorrow night!

These are two photos of the "before" state. It's hard to believe that up to two years ago I was using this room as my office! When we got our laptop I completely stopped using the room. The plan is to move the office stuff to the newly renovated basement. My biggest issue is all of the books that we have! I know that I can get rid of a lot, but the hubs and I are big readers so we amass a TON of reading material. Also both being teachers we also accumulate a lot of paperwork. Most of my teaching stuff is in my classroom, but I have material from courses that I've taken and I want to keep that sort of stuff at home.


So this is a photo of underneath our futon. It was a great place to store junk. The only thing that is left under there is the box that our computer came in. I'm really proud to see empty magazine folders. These were filled with old magazines from the early 2000's!


If I wasn't so tired I would take a photo of all of the stuff that's going to the garbage and recycling, but I can't bear to get off of the couch. I didn't take a nap today and I'm just exhausted!

I almost forgot! Mr. JB and I checked out a couple of open houses in our neighbourhood and I'm so glad that I didn't like either one of them. I've been itching to move to a detached home for a couple of years. It also doesn't help that our new neighbours play their music too loud and I'm ready to punch them out! We've knocked on their door to complain, sent an official complaint to the management company and still nothing. I'm just about ready to phone the police on them! One house was totally overpriced and the other was a total wreck (it smelled of puke and cat pee, not a nice combination for $449 900!).

I also spoke to an adoption worker on Friday, but I'm way too exhausted to blog about that. Mr. JB is all pumped up about adopting from Haiti right now, but as far as I can tell from the internet, new adoptions aren't happening right now.

I've got to get to bed! I promise to post more about my conversation with the intake worker tomorrow!

Here I go.... *Updated

I thought I would start my "room that was to be a nursery" clean out with a photo, but I think that it will affect my momentum.

I got up early. Went to a yoga class, had breakfast and read the paper.

I'm officially ready.

I'm setting the timer for half an hour and then we'll see how much I get done and if I'm ready to do more.

I'll keep you all posted!

----------------------

Update: So I spent almost two and a half hours on the room clean out. I filled two large recycling bags with paper, a box of paper to burn (old bills and such, I don't want my identity to get stolen!) and one garbage bag.

Mr. JB even helped by going through some of the stuff that he's stuck in there which was a very pleasant surprise.

Hopefully after running some errands I'll have some more time to clear out some more stuff. The local Free.cycle group is going to get quite a few treats!

Taking the Bull by the Horns

Having an operational computer in one's classroom is sometimes a dangerous thing.

So I e-mailed the C.hildren's A.id So.ciety again (I was channeling Sew at the time, I also phoned and left a voice mail!). This time from a different section of the website and this is the response that I received:

Hello JellyBelly,

I am an Adoption Worker at your local C.hildren's A.id S.ociety and am responding to your adoption inquiry.

You should be aware that most of the children we place for adoption are between 3-12 years old. Therefore, we are looking for families who are able to adopt children in this age range. We also have a need for families who are willing to consider a family history of a major mental illness or prenatal alcohol and drug abuse. If you are open to these possibilities, you can call me to discuss your request. I can be reached at 90*-3**-6***, Ext. 30** and am available Monday to Friday, 9-5 pm.

If this is your first inquiry about adoption I would recommend that you check the website, www.adoptontario.ca. This website provides an overview of public adoption as well as profiles of children presently available for adoption in Ontario.

For further information about other options such as private and international adoption, you could check the website, www.adoption.on.ca.

The Adoption Council of Ontario hosts "How to Adopt Seminars" and information about these sessions is posted on their website. These seminars are held in your city and one nearby.

Thank-you for contacting your Ch.ildren's Ai.d S.ociety and I wish you all the best on your adoption journey.

Regards,

Adoption Worker

Lucky for me I did my research. I've read through the recommended websites more than once (meaning that I read them a bit obsessively) in the past four and a half years.

So when I read Mr. JB the e-mail he seemed a bit hesitant.

I'm pretty resigned to the fact that doing adoption this way means that we probably will not get an infant. And as the e-mail says, the children may have health issues. I'm open to a child with learning difficulties or even a disability, but Mr. JB isn't 100% about that.

A couple of months ago I was reading a wonderful book that I heard about on the C.BC. It was about a dad (who is a public radio personality and an author) and his struggle parenting his severely disabled son. I was absolutely riveted by the story. I suggested that Mr. JB read the book but he wasn't too keen on the idea. He is forever saying that I read depressing stuff and that I need to lighten up.

Ever since I read the book I have felt that perhaps I have a calling to parent a child with difficulties.

When I was in elementary school there was a girl with Down Syndrome in my class. In the seventh grade I was paired up with her for industrial arts class. We became very close. We even had a crush on the same boy! My classmates and I were very protective of her. If anyone made fun of her we would stick up for her. At the end of the school year she moved and I cried and cried on the last day of school. I couldn't believe how attached I was to her.

As a teacher I seem to like the hard to like kids. It always seems like the odd kids gravitate towards me and I just love it. My favourite kid last year can be one of the most frustrating children in the primary division. My school librarian was lamenting on how he threw himself on the floor because there were too many books to choose from.

Do you know what my response was?

"Oh he's so cute! He used to do stuff like that when he was in my class. I would sit with him and rub his back for a little while and then he'd calm down."

The librarian looked at me like I was nuts.

I have no idea what all of this means. What I do know is that I am completely open to adopting an older child and that I'm open to a child with disabilities.

Needless to say, I'm phoning the adoption worker tomorrow. I know that we have to attend classes in order to become eligible to adopt in my province. We are going to have plenty of time to digest all of the different faces of adoption.

Oh what a ride this is going to be!

p.s. I'm starting the "room that was to be a nursery" clean out next week. I'm going to chronicle it here so I'm accountable. I'm going to need a lot of encouragement to get it done, it is very painful to be in there.

Realization

So while I was driving to work yesterday a thought popped into my head.

JellyBelly you're going to be a mom.

I have no idea when.

Or how long it will take.

Or even how it will happen.

But I'm going to be a mom.

I haven't had a thought like that in a LONG time.

I'm also thinking that I should the C.hildren's A.id S.ociety. I'm tired of waiting for an e-mail response. I also need to feel like I have a tiny bit of control. 

My biggest struggle right now is to finally clear out the "room that was to be a nursery."

I've put it off for too long and clearing out the crap (yes, there is just junk in there and it's embarrassing! Our cleaning lady isn't even allowed in the room!) will make me feel better. I have to stop thinking of the disappointment that the room symbolizes. 

I need a kick in the pants or at least a deadline or some people to report to. Mr. JB never pushes me to clean it out since he knows how hard it is for me to be in the room. 

I'll come up with a timeline sometime today. 

I will reclaim that room. 

I will.