Defeat

I stayed late at school yesterday to get caught up on marking. The end of the school year is, in my opinion, more stressful than the beginning. At least in September I'm all excited about the newness of the school year, but by the end of May I'm so exhausted and out of patience that even the utter cuteness of some of my students isn't enough to get me through the day.

For the first time since September I cried because my class is just so poorly behaved. After a few months of relative goodness the class has returned to their old, misbehaving ways. I feel as though I've been correcting the same behaviours over and over again, writing the same notes to parents and making the same phone calls. It has become obvious to me that my classroom is the only place that many of my students have structure and consequences. Great for their parents, but sucks to be me.

So last night one of my teacher buddies and I went to dinner after finishing up our work. We both came to teaching elementary school after exploring other things. We got to talking about my pre-teacher days and it got me thinking about how different my life would've been if I chose the other fork in the road.

You see, ten years ago I was a graduate student studying 18th century French literature, which in my opinion is the coolest century. When I finished my Master's degree I did an exchange with a university just outside of Paris. After my first six months in France I decided that I wanted to pursue my doctoral studies but in another field. I was all excited about my new research topic, enrolled in classes and attended a whole bunch of different seminars (some more interesting than others, but I learned a lot). But deep in my heart I knew that my forever life wasn't in Europe. I had a boyfriend back home and I just missed the space back home in Canada. I also knew that although academia was fun, it wasn't my true heart's desire.

So I applied to teachers' college and I got accepted. Then I decided that I wasn't going to do my exams for the seminars that I took. Everything that was leading me back across the ocean just felt right. I had no doubts. None.

But lately I've been thinking about that certainty that I felt all those years ago. I know that my lack of energy and my poorly behaved class isn't going to chase me away from teaching. I do love being around children and I know that teaching is in my blood. Despite my frustration today I felt so much joy when a little boy in my class figured out how to spell a word on his own (this is a boy that can barely read or write so it was quite the victory).

I don't know if being a mother is something that I feel certain about anymore.

I feel so empty right now. I thought that the TTC break that L.upron is giving me was going to be a great way to give myself time to enjoy things that I did before babymaking took over my life. I thought that not having to chart and give myself hormone injections was going to be the vacation that I needed. But all I can think about is the fact that I can't even try to have a baby right now. I can't even hope to get pregnant.

The logical side of my brain knows that I am in good, skilled hands. My Napro doctor and my surgeon are two people that I have complete trust in. Both are very hopeful of my chances. Heck, even Mr. JB is hopeful.

I am not.

I don't trust my body to be able to do what it is supposed to do. It's failed me again and again -- not just TTC-related stuff, but in other ways. I'm asthmatic. I have ulcerative colitis. I have so many different allergies. I'm always seem to be in some sort of pain (today it's my right wrist and my IT band, I'm sure it's a yoga-related injury). I get migraines. I try not to dwell on it, but it just seems like I got a dud for a body.

How can I trust that my surgery in August is going to fix all of my problems?

I'm sure it just seems ridiculous to abandon my dreams of becoming a mother at this point. We really don't even have a fighting chance until after my second surgery. But maybe God and the universe are trying to tell me that I'm just not meant to have children. Perhaps I'm just supposed to nurture children at school then return to my quiet, empty, childless house?

Or am I just digging this defeatist hole for myself because of self-preservation?

I feel so lost right now. I don't know if it's drug-related or that I've reached my breaking point after being on this long, painful road.

All I do know for certain is that I need this school year to end, and fast. I also need a glass of wine. A big one.

Three

It took thirteen years....










and two tries (because I wasn't brave enough the first time!).




But I am now the proud new owner of a stylish bob.







I was reluctant for many, many reasons. One: I don't like change. Two: Long hair is really easy. I don't know if it's the hormones (I don't think so since I started thinking about getting my hair months before the L.upron) or just boredom. I've lived with basically the same long hair with variations on the length of my bangs for most of my life.

My shortest haircut happened in my second year of university. I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend and I needed a change. My dad didn't talk to me for a week, my mom said that she didn't like it. I'm really hoping that I don't get too much flack from my family members, but I've gotten many compliments already!

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Today was my best friend's son's third birthday. I was supposed to go early and help out but we had some mis-communication and I thought that she was going to call me to tell me to come over and she thought that I was just going to show up. I was also totally procrastinating because I knew that there would be a newborn in attendance (our university roomie who decided after years of not wanting a second child that she did and proceeded to get knocked up immediately).

I was also not rushing to go over because I thought four years ago that I would also have a three year old like my best friend. N is easier to be around now that he's bigger. When he was an infant at the beginning of our TTC journey it just hurt. I didn't spend a ton of time with him like I did with my bf's daughter. I had lots of excuses. I was busy with work, busy with yoga, busy with life. When in reality I was in mourning.

Every birthday we celebrate for little N is like a knife to the heart. S and I planned to have our maternity leaves together. They live around the corner so it would've been so convenient to share babysitting and childcare.

Now she has a five year old and a three year old and I have nothing. Just a belly full of endometriosis, adhesions, cysts and fibroids.

Woohoo!

I've started to do some more research on domestic adoption. I just can't stand the heartache of being barren right now and I need a distraction (besides having my house turned upside down by renovations!). I don't want to think about my life post-surgery right now. I'd like to think that we'll conceive right away, but there's no guarantee. All of this unknown is starting to wear away at my sanity.

I'd like to believe that next year at N's birthday that I'll have a baby growing inside of me, but I've hoped for that for three years.

In four years I haven't been hopeless. Unfortunately, I think that I'm here and I don't know what to do with myself besides cry.

My husband has a death wish...

...or he has no short-term memory.

Let me set the scene once again: We're pulling into the driveway after mass. He's going to a charity golf tournament and I have to pick up some more avocados because I'm making guacamole for my best friend's son's birthday party. He's rushing in to have something to eat before he leaves so I ask him to throw some rice into the rice cooker so I can eat when I get home.

For those of you that don't know the beauty and ease of a rice cooker, let me tell you making rice is as easy as toasting bread. The ENTIRE process takes about two minutes tops.

Well even before Mr. JB gets out of the car he starts to huff about how he doesn't have any time to do it.

And I lost it.

He did take full responsibility for the almond milk fiasco of Friday morning, but honestly can he really forget a blow-out like that in two days????

He could've taken his bagel, sliced it and put it in the toaster then made rice, but instead he chose to pick a fight.

For a man that is usually so helpful and easy-going, he's really making it hard for me not to kill him.

So instead of going to my favourite grocery store I'm still trying to compose myself. I'm ready to strangle the next person that gets in my way.

I'm pretty convinced that this isn't L.upron-related rage, it's marital stupidness.

I didn't yell at him yesterday when I discovered the ridiculous, disgusting mess that was in our vegetable crisper. He insists on putting away groceries, but never checks to see if there is anything spoiled in the refrigerator. I cleaned it all up, threw all the rotten food out and then proceeded to reorganize underneath the kitchen sink.

I really hope that he finds some sense in the near future or one of us isn't going to make it to August 4th!

Explosions

I know that the name of my blog indicates that I seem calm. Most of the time I am. At school I hardly raise my voice (except for this morning when I had to explain, very sternly, the importance of proper behaviour during a fire drill). I've practiced yoga for ten years. I'm pretty good at meditating (I usually end up saying Hail Mary's since my mind sometimes wanders!). 

I have also been pretty surprised at my L.upron side-effects. One of my colleagues who knows about me taking the drug said that I haven't changed at all, which was a HUGE relief! I have been more tired, my skin broke out at first, but that is even subsiding, and my boobs have been a bit sore. All in all, nothing worse than the crazy pre-HCG PMS that I used to suffer through.

Well this morning I absolutely lost it on Mr. JB. Granted, he deserved it. 

Let me set the scene: We were both in the kitchen and I noticed that I was out of almond milk. I really hate going to the basement cold storage (this was the case even before the renovations started) so I asked him to get it for me. He started to grumble because he knows the mess that is in the cold storage -- all his doing, he's not a very organized person and when he packed some of our stuff away in that room there was no forethought at all. He normally goes to the basement to get things for me, but this morning he grumbled away because he realized how big the mess is (he discovered how bad his disorganization was affecting him because he had a hard time finding beer at the bottom of the pile of crap that he created!). 

When he started to grumble at me I exploded. As in full out yelling and throwing things around, exploded. I'm already frustrated that I can't eat PB & J in the morning or raisin bread or bagels because of the stupid endo diet that I'm on. I also really don't care for almond milk either, but I'm supposed to cut down on my soy consumption. So really his grumbling just set a whole minefield off. But of course, I don't just get angry I start to cry. And lately when I start to cry, I have a hard time stopping. I'm getting teary eyed when other teachers compliment my student's work! 

Anyhow, after making him feel really guilty I calmed down, reapplied my make-up and went to work. Lucky for my class that I'm holding it together a little better now. 

I know that I would've gotten angry at him regardless, but I probably wouldn't have swore at him and banged around my kitchen (although I have been known to throw things in the past). 

On a positive note: I can't believe how much our contractor has done! All of the framing is up, some of the wiring AND the washroom has been started. They also brought in some of the drywall yesterday. 

Please send prayers friends, I really hope that I can keep my temper at bay until August 4th! 

Struck Silent

I don't normally post about things in the news, but this story has particularly bothered me. 

For those of you that don't know, Tori Stafford, a little girl from Woodstock, Ontario was abducted over a month ago. I remember being riveted when I saw the story on the news while I was recovering from my surgery. There have been a lot of rumours surrounding the case, things that I don't want to get into. Regardless, I just saw on the news that two people have been arrested for her abduction and murder.

Mr JB and I have been praying constantly for this poor, sweet girl since her disappearance. I cannot imagine the grief that her family is going through right now. Please pray for her parents and especially for her brother. 

I don't know if it's L.upron related or not, but I'm so incredibly saddened at this news. I will never, ever understand why monsters in our world have to harm children. 

Not to worry

First off, I just wanted to reassure you in blog-land that I wasn't thrown in jail for torturing my class. Surprisingly enough they were actually pretty good on Friday, perhaps because they were scared for their lives!

I've definitely hit some sort of wall. Mr. JB and I were trying to figure out if it was, in fact, all L.upron related. Thursday night I fell asleep on the couch at 9pm. I finally made it to our bed by 11:30pm and slept until my alarm went off at 5:30am. Friday night I literally fell asleep as Mr. JB was serving dinner. I slept from 8:30pm to 12:30am, got up to take a shower (yes, I am a night showerer and I can't sleep properly unless I have washed my hair), then slept until 7am. Yesterday I took a two hour nap in the afternoon, fell asleep on the couch from about 9:30 to 12:30 and then slept until 8:30am!

Needless to say, I've taken full advantage of the long weekend to catch up on my sleep!

I'm starting to notice some other L.upron related side effects. I've definitely gained some weight. Our digital scale at home is not working, so I weighed myself on my father-in-law's old fashioned scale and I'm definitely heavier. My clothes are starting to feel tight around my belly area and I just feel different. I know a big part of my weight gain can be attributed to having to curb my exercising since my lap. I used to practice yoga 3-4 times a week, and although I'm still going as often, I'm doing easier classes that aren't as strenuous.

So in order to curtail any more weight gain I bought a pedometer. I'm going to try to take at least 10 000 steps a day (I'm at 9 430 and I'm about to head to bed!). It should be pretty easy at work since I move non-stop at school. I also think that my grumpy moods have to do with lack of energy. I also start training for the local dragon boat race in a couple of weeks. It's the only team sport that I take part in and I absolutely love it. Yoga may be something that I've practiced for years, but my true love is being on the water. I dream one day of owning a house with a garage big enough for my own kayak. Some women dream of fancy jewelry, I dream of owning a kick-ass roof rack so I can transport my kayak to the lake!

Mr. JB and I have been at his dad's since yesterday and today we played tourist. We went to Niagara Falls and visited the new casino (he won $11 and treated me to S.tarbucks) and then we went for a walk to see the falls. My family used to visit the falls regularly, but I haven't been to see the actual falls in years! Mr. JB jokes that his family doesn't even look since they're from the area. Then we took a quick trip to the outlet mall and I scored the cutest dress. All in all we had a great day.

One last thing: I had half a glass of wine with dinner tonight. Mr. JB's uncle and cousin are visiting from Arizona and I wanted to partake since we were having a nice dinner. I searched on Dr. Google and I found that it was okay, although someone posted that alcohol made their hot flashes worse (I haven't had any hot flashes, on the contrary I've been freezing since I got my shot!). Am I allowed to drink while on L.upron?

Also, I seem to be making a ton of CM! I thought that L.upron was supposed to dry me all up. Is this normal?

Lastly, my injection site started to hurt again yesterday. I got the shot almost two weeks ago and it bothered me for a day and then nothing. What is up with that?

I've cracked

I think I've hit the L.upron wall.

Granted my class was nutty this afternoon, but not more than usual. I'm so glad that I taught them the words for "frustrated" and "angry" in the recent past! 

Now, I'm not a yeller. I hate raising my voice since it only causes the noise to escalate. After last recess the special ed teacher came in to talk to me and my class got louder and louder as our conversation continued. I had to stop talking and tell them that they were acting like monkeys in a zoo which momentarily silenced them. When the other teacher left I told them how angry and upset that I was. They ate their snack in silence because they understood that I meant business. 

I've decided that if they're badly behaved tomorrow I'm going to go old school Catholic teacher on them and make them drop to their knees and pray a decade of the rosary. 

So there.

I hate feeling like I'm out of control. I try to be as calm as possible around my students, but after a day like today it was pretty much impossible. Lucky for me, the other grade one teachers had horrible days as well so I know it's not just me. 

I really need to go to yoga. Hopefully some downward dogs will help with my mood!

Reprieve - Update with fiddlehead photo

We have one more day.

Thank God.

Our contractor has to finish another job tomorrow and he called to let me know that he can't come until Thursday. Normally I would be mighty peeved that we've been pushed back another day, but at this point I'm too exhausted to do any more work.

Mr. JB was at a baseball game tonight with his dad (he scored some awesome seats behind home plate, unfortunately his team lost), so I was put in charge of finishing up the last bits in the basement. I think that with two of us tomorrow night that we'll be able to get the last of the stuff out and into our guest room.

I've decided on a few of things to get me through this reno:

1) I have to accept that my house is going to be out of sorts for the next while. If basement things are in the living room it's not the end of the world. I refuse, however, to put stuff in our bedroom. I need one safe haven from the chaos!

2) I am going to focus on the finished product and not the craziness that the actual work is going to cause. I really should take this advice when thinking about baby-making.

3) I know that the job is going to go over-budget. It's only money. We're both gainfully employed and the work is going to only increase the value of our home. Therapeutic shopping is not good anyway. Building equity is much, much better.

4) If I feel like I'm losing my mind it's because of the L.upron. I'm not actually crazy. Does this one really have to do with home renovations?

I think that my teaching partner has figured out that I don't like her. She's been really snippy with me and she popped into my classroom today and was all snarly-faced. Perhaps she was shocked that I had my class engaged in a lesson and I wasn't yelling at them. Perhaps she's jealous that I have actually made friends with the other teachers on staff. How many more weeks until school is over?

Lastly, my father-in-law's girlfriend called me this evening to see how I was feeling -- six weeks after my surgery, but that's besides the point. I've mentioned before that I really don't like her. She's so mean to my FIL and she's constantly yelling at us. I know that I'm biased since I love my FIL so much and I see that he's so good to her, but she's so ungrateful. I'm assuming that she's trying to make amends of some sort because she's convinced that she has the beginnings of Alzheimer's. I have a few theories about what is actually wrong with her, but I won't elaborate too much except to say that she drinks too much and she's also depressed. I hope that she doesn't have Alzheimer's, that would be heartless, but I do think that their relationship needs to end for both their sakes.

I have to go to bed. Again, so exhausted. Stupid L.upron.

p.s. I had fiddleheads tonight for the first time tonight. How tasty!!!

p.p.s. I caught a kid stealing today. It's the second incident in two weeks. The little boy looked at me in the eye and lied to me three times! His poor mother started to cry when I told her what happened. I'm teaching them how to say the rosary tomorrow, hopefully it will help the kids in my class to be better behaved!

What were we thinking????

Oh my good Lord.

Our contractor, five months late, is starting work on our basement on Wednesday. Not only do I have very little energy, but Mr. JB is now sick. He almost never gets sick and the poor guy has been trying to empty out our basement of all the junk with little help from me. I'm having a hard time bending and picking stuff up because it makes me too dizzy (yet another fun side effect of L.upron).

We've filled up our neighbour's garage. Our office is packed to the gills and our guest room is mostly full, but we have to save a path to the bed because my father-in-law is staying over tomorrow night.

I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed, but I don't function well with disorder and mess.

I need prayers and perhaps a free storage locker. Or better yet, a time machine that would propel us to our post-renovation basement.

This is temporary. I have to keep telling myself this. And at the end of all of this I will have a beautiful basement where only some of the stuff that has been taken out will return.

Please pray for my sanity folks. If isn't IF that's going to get me, it will definitely be home renovations!

p.s. I'm growing a couple of HUGE pimples right now. One is smack dab in the middle of my chin, the other is in the centre of my right cheek. What is up with that???

Double-edged Sword

This had to be one of the most painful days in our IF journey. If could've stayed asleep all day I would've, but I couldn't, although I tried my best.

I've been feeling pretty down since my L.upron injection and I've also had to deal with insanely bad fatigue -- both are known side effects. But honestly, I don't know if I would feel any different if I wasn't on the medication.

I remember the first Mother's Day after we got married. I was still hopeful, but starting to get worried. The second I was practically manic. Last year I was just fed up and angry. Now, I'm depressed.

It also doesn't help that Mother's Day is particularly painful for Mr. JB. His mother passed away when he was 19 and although he puts on a brave face, the day is filled with so much emotion for him. It seems like all of the older women in our lives, my mother, his dad's girlfriend, my aunts, his aunts, are all losing their minds. It's nothing new, it's just particularly frustrating right now.

Take this as an example: I phoned my crazy mother to ask her what she wanted to do for Mother's Day. I suggested going for dinner when she got home from work and she asked if we were going to take my dad. What???? Would we take my mother out and leave my dad at home? I get along so much better with my dad. I can have conversations with him, unlike with her. Thank God that she loves Mr. JB because without him I wouldn't have a buffer!

Now I know that I can't have the dream relationship with my mother that I've always wanted. She has so many of her own issues and she just isn't equipped to deal with mine. She hasn't asked me how I was feeling since the day after my surgery. Heck, she didn't even phone to see how I was! I'm just so tired of having to manage my relationship with her. I wish that I had someone maternal to go to for support. Instead I have to sit uncomfortably at my parents' house and pretend that all is well since my parents can't deal with any sort of stress without shutting down.

Mr. JB tried to console me by telling me that next Mother's Day I would be a mother. I wish that I could believe him. I wish that I could find the hopefulness that I had in my heart before my surgery. I wish that I could be naive and not have the pain of four years of infertility weighing down my soul.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired.

p.s. One of my students gave me a Mother's Day present on Friday. It took all of my strength to not break down and cry. It's the first time in seven years that a student has given me a present on Mother's Day. What a sweet little boy and an even sweeter mom to think of me.