The post where JellyBelly tries to find humour in the situation

I've had more than my fair share of things to complain about this week. Not only is my teaching partner driving me crazy, but we have been without heat for five days and we were without hot water for four. Mr. JB and I have been on the phone with our service provider, D.irect E.nergy, constantly. I think we've logged over 20 phone calls since our saga started.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a musty smell in the basement. We are very lucky to live in a fairly new home that has a very dry basement so I was instantly suspicious. We did some investigating and found a leak in one of the pipes in the ceiling. My dad came right away and fixed the problem (thank God for handy dads!). Unfortunately the leak was only abated for a couple of days and we ended up having to call D.irect E.nergy since the problem was just getting worse.

We thought that we were lucky when the technicians were dispatched the next day to speedily fix the pipes in the ceiling (at a cost of $400) and replace the hot water tank. Then four days later we heard horrible noises. I thought that it was the construction on the road in front of our house (the main road is being torn up to install sewers for two new developments in our neighbourhood), but it was past 8pm and there were no construction guys outside. Needless to say we got on the phone again with D.E. and more technicians were dispatched. This time the guy told us that the first installers did a poor job and that the new unit was ruined and that we needed another hot water tank. The tech was at our house until past midnight trying to patch up the faulty work, but he was unable to get the system working again.

This was last Thursday night and it was over 24 hours that we didn't have hot water or heat. After much complaining and yelling over the phone we were offered $120 a night to stay in a hotel, but we decided to tough it out and shower at my best friend's house (who lives around the corner) and bundle up. We were promised that someone would be at our house first thing Saturday morning so we decided to stay at our cold house since we would've had to leave the hotel so early in the morning.

Well, 8am became 4pm and I was absolutely livid by the time the technicians showed up. It wasn't until 2pm when Mr. JB called the customer service people that we found out that our hot water tank wasn't even at their warehouse. In the age of cell phones no one could've phoned us so we could've gone about our day? I could've gone to the laundry mat or the grocery store, but I was essentially held hostage in my home while I waited for people to show up at my house.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end with the second new hot water tank. We do have hot water, but we don't have heat. We have a compound system and our furnace and hot water tank are connected, so there was a problem with the installation. We had a technician from the E.nbridge come to check our thermostat and he said that there is nothing mechanically wrong with our furnace.

So here we are, freezing in our house. I cannot believe how poorly we have been treated by the powers that be. We're good customers. I've never paid a bill late and we own a well-maintained home. I feel as though this large company just doesn't care about their customers. Although we were offered to stay at the hotel, they didn't offer to compensate us for eating out (I refused to boil water so I could do dishes when it was their mistake!).

I was so upset at the injustice I e-mailed various media agencies, the ombudsman at E.nbridge and the Better Business Bureau. I don't know what will come of it, but it got someone from the Executive Office interested. Last night when we were waiting for our hot water tank to fill up the Director of Planning and Logistics called us and he wants to meet with us to discuss compensation. I'll let you all know what comes of that meeting.

I have to wonder how many good customers have been treated with such incompetence. As I sit in my house that is 18C I can't help but feel so angry at a system where monopolies control essential services. It's not like I can seek another service provider for my house. If I refuse to pay for their work I'll get in trouble.

I really hate feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

On a happier note: we attended the baptism of my cousin and his wife's new daughter. They went through many years of IVF to conceive their first daughter and we found out last June that they had adopted a toddler who was in foster care. We met her for the first time today at the church and we fell instantly in love. She's a beautiful little girl and it is so obvious that their family is just over the moon. I don't know if I'm quite ready to look into adoption, but seeing their new little girl's happy face made me think that perhaps it's what we're meant to do.

So wish us luck. Hopefully we will have heat sometime before the first snowfall.

Now I'm going to eat some chocolate.

Take three

This evening marks my third foray into jabbing myself in the stomach with needles. Mr. JB has just gone to the drug store (thank God it's open until midnight!) because our regular pharmacy gave him my prescription, but didn't sell him needles. Duh!

I've been really down since the cake-baking fiasco of this past weekend. My teaching partner is driving me absolutely crazy. Not only can she not speak French properly, she also lies through her teeth about how quiet and well-behaved her class is. She seems to forget that we share a wall and that I can hear EVERYTHING that is going on in her room. She had the audacity to say that her class is just good without any sort of help when we were at a meeting last week. I almost choked on my tea since the day before I heard her yelling at a student that she wasn't going to explain something to him because he needed to pay closer attention.

Yes gentle readers, she said that to a six year old.

In my class of 21 I have four kids that can't read at all and the majority are just beginning to read. She expects that all of her students function at a much higher level and she won't bend to their needs. Today my class sat in on some learning carpet activities (we use it for math reinforcement and letter recognition) after lunch. Although she took the much bigger classroom (it's one and a half my room!) there was barely any space since all of the kids had their lunches still out and there were coats and books on the floor.

I realize that I am moving a lot slower than my partner, but my students know the classroom routine. They know how to hang up their jackets, put away their lunches and snacks, and they are learning how to sit quietly and put up their hands. My class is also working on simple things like writing their names on their worksheets as well as the date. Whereas my teaching partner thinks that the students should already be writing paragraphs!

We are teaching grade one, yes?????

I keep on reminding myself that I should not get stressed out about what is going on in her classroom. I need to distance myself from the craziness that she is creating, but it is so hard for me to not feel horrible for the 22 kids in her care. I've started to tell her that my class just isn't as advanced as hers when she tries to push activities that are above grade level. I have also been telling her that my class is so bad behaved that I don't feel comfortable doing certain things that she wants to do.

My gym teacher and my librarian have both said that my class is better behaved, but I don't know if she has any idea that hers are just nuts. I really don't understand why someone would apply for a job when they don't like children. She has said numerous times that she hates teaching 6 year olds -- which makes no sense to me since the job posting said GRADE ONE FRENCH IMMERSION!!!!! Last time I checked grade one aged children were six.

Argh.

I really hope that I don't strangle her before Christmas.

Mr. JB is almost home from the drug store. I'll keep you all posted.

Please send good needle vibes my way!

JellyBelly bakes a (failed) cake

I've always enjoyed baking. Being allergic to both eggs and milk I've had to be a little creative and search for recipes that I can actually eat -- I didn't have chocolate cake until I was 20! I also am a little famous (mostly in my husband and my classrooms) for my vegan chocolate cupcakes. So I wasn't at all surprised that one of my friends asked me to bake her daughter's first birthday cake.

I'm also a bit of a procrastinator. I didn't try out the organic, sugar-free, gluten-free recipe until this morning, and I didn't really prepare in the event of a cake-disaster. And as Murphy's law would have it, I had a very bad first outing. I've never, ever had a cake fall apart on me in all my years of baking. Lucky for me, my kitchen has had very few casualties. I know that it's not the end of the world and that I had the time to bake a second cake (I also had enough of the very pricey ingredients).

I know that I shouldn't be resentful that my first cake fell apart when it came out of my new silicone cake pan. I also know that the only person that will be eating the cake is the birthday girl and perhaps some of the other little people that are invited to the party. Another friend is making the cake that will be consumed by the other guests, so I shouldn't be too worried about my cake.

Is this cake an allegory for my lack of baby-making ability?

In my non-babymaking life I'm pretty successful. I have a solid career, a wonderful husband and a nice home. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and a mostly sane family. The one thing that is not going my way is having a child of my own. My ideas of fairness and what should happen have been dashed too many times. Why do my friends with unstable relationships and poor finances find it so easy to pro-create? Why do my girlfriends just think about getting pregnant and a month later they are happily morning-sick?

Am I doomed to be envious my entire life? Am I supposed to just care for other people's children at school and bake cakes for birthday parties? Will I be the forever-childless woman in the room who seemingly can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants?

I don't want to be the one that my mommy friends envy because I don't have stretch marks and sleepless nights.

I have thought many, many times in the past few months that I would give all of it up: my love of shopping, my job, and maybe even yoga if I could just have one baby of my own. I'd give up the ability to sleep in and fancy meals out. I'd give up my perky little car for a mini-van. I'd give up vacations to exotic locales so I could stay home and bake cakes for my own little one.

I'd do it all in a second without looking back.

I just feel so sad that I feel like I'm never going to have a chance to do any of it.

Ever.

It's not easy being green

Green with envy, that is.

I was clearing off e-mails and I noticed a message from one of my friends from teachers' college. She's pregnant with her third baby.

Argh.

I'm really happy for her, but after getting my period on Friday I have a serious case of the feel-me-sorries. I spent most of Saturday crying and in a total funk. Shoe shopping didn't even cheer me up!

Which brings me to another thing to rant about: it's really difficult to find cute and comfortable shoes that don't look like old lady orthopedic shoes! When I was teaching older students I could wear whatever shoes I wanted -- heels, pointy shoes, wedges, boots, you name it. Now that I'm teaching little kids and I never sit down I apparently have to ditch being fashionable.

Speaking of fashion, I've also found it really difficult to find work-appropriate clothing! Are there no clothes for thirty-somethings out there? All of the clothes that I saw at the mall were either too young or too old for me. I could either choose to wear trends that would look totally ridiculous on me, or buy clothes that my mother would wear. It looks like yet another fall of black and gray turtleneck sweaters for me!

Mr. JB and I took the day off today for an appointment with our NaproTechnology doctor and we also snuck in a visit to our Creighton Model practioner as well. Both of them reassured me that things look good and that I was being too hard on myself for not getting pregnant this cycle. I also had a lower than normal mucus score this past month which we're figuring is due to the stress of starting school again. I also forgot that it's going to take a couple of cycles with the HCG as well as the Low Dose Naltrexone to normalize all of my hormone levels. The good news is that this month was the first in years that I didn't have any brown bleeding at the start of my cycle. Yay!

Our doctor recommended that we continue with the HCG for two more cycles before we start on Clomid -- that is, if I don't get knocked up beforehand. She even gave me a requisition for Peak +17 bloodwork! I almost laughed since at this point I can't even imagine getting pregnant, but she's pretty confident that it's going to happen for us sometime. She also thinks that if we don't get pregnant in five to six cycles that she's going to recommend that I get a Laparoscopy, but we're going to wait to cross that bridge when we get to it.

So thanks to Duck and Shinejil who reminded me that it's like we're finally TTC for real now and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Now I'm going to continue my search for cheap and interesting March Break vacations. It's a great way to get my mind off of being barren. Any tips out there fellow bloggers?

I really don't like being barren

I've been laying low since the start of the school year for many reasons.

1) I've been so exhausted from chasing after 23 grade one students that I can barely see straight, let alone write blog posts.

2) I've been busy planning and adapting English worksheets for my class in the evenings.

3) I thought that perhaps just this once, I may have gotten pregnant.

For the first time since we started going to the Marguerite Bourgeoys Family Centre my body has finally stopped doing all the things that it wasn't supposed to. Since starting my HCG shots in August (which I bravely administered, despite my fear of needles), I had a normal seven day long period. I also didn't have any brown bleeding two months in a row. I ovulated on day 14 and had a luteal phase that lasted 14 days. We even made whoopy on the day that I ovulated.

I thought, naively, that we did all the right things.

Alas, yet again, I was wrong.

I was hoping that this month I would have good news to post. But yet again, I don't.

So all I have is the feel-me-sorries and an empty uterus. I'm not even happy that Mr. JB poured me a big glass of white wine.

I thought that I was used to the disappointment.

Apparently I'm not.

My journal

My kiddies have started writing in their daily journals. Here is my entry for today:

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

1. Today was a better day.

2. My students are starting to behave less like animals.

3. My father-in-law's girlfriend is crazy.

4. My mom is being less crazy.

5. I gave myself a needle last night and was so tired that I didn't have time to be scared.

6. It's sad that some students only respond to yelling.

7. I don't like to yell.

8. My teaching partner yells all the time.

9. I'm not ready to put on socks, but it's getting too cool to not wear them.

10. Thank God for yoga.

I tried to be as neat as possible and I used my index finger to space out the words. Hopefully I get a sticker!

Full to overflowing

First off, I apologize that I have been absent from the bloggosphere. I've tried hard to keep up with the IF world since school has started, but the little buggers are running me ragged and I can barely keep my eyes open past 9pm. I had no idea that the learning curve from grades five and six to grade one would be this steep! I also fear that hanging around 22 six year olds (and soon to be 23 tomorrow morning!) has made clear, linear thought quite difficult. So here's a list of what has been going on in my crazy life since the first day of school, and my there's quite a few reasons to be frustrated!

1. I discovered that despite loving little kids that spending the school day with six year olds is really tiring. Ten years ago this coming January, I taught my first class in grad school as a TA. I remember that I was very scared to face a class of undergrads, but it doesn't compare to the fear I've felt facing my current class. The first couple of days of school I was overcome with regret at leaving my old school and my old position -- a grade that I could teach with my hands tied behind my back and hopping on one foot! But I do have to admit that it's pretty cool to see the little guys learning so quickly. In two weeks they've picked up more French than my junior level classes did in a whole term of school!

2. I've learned that six year olds can be really violent. I've had one particular student in the office every day and the incidents that he's been involved in have been progressively more and more vicious. Mr. JB has nicknamed him Killer K (after the recently deceased wrestler) and frighteningly enough it fits. We started the school year with him hitting kids in the schoolyard to refusing to do work and putting his feet up on his desk! Then last week he threw a kid in grade three down to the ground during recess, a kid that is a head and a half taller than him!

Trying to be proactive, I invited his mom (who I've spoken to every day since the first day of school) to come in so we could discuss his behaviour in hopes of finding a way to work together proactively before things got worse. Unfortunately, the meeting with his parents didn't dissuade Killer K because seventeen minutes before the dismissal bell on Thursday he stabbed a kid in the arm with a pencil. Apparently the other kid got in his way while he was copying off of the board.

Lucky for me my new principal is great and he dealt with Killer K right away. He spoke to Killer's mom right after school (I had to send her to the office since they wouldn't let him go back to class after the incident) and he didn't sugarcoat the situation. The kid will be spending recess in the office tomorrow and hopefully will not maim anyone. I hope.

3. In light of my new job I've also been doubting my effectiveness as a teacher. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself for the behaviours of my students (i.e. their inability to stay still and sit at their desks for more than 2 minutes, and of course, beating one another up!). It took a really good cry last Thursday and a couple of visits to the other grade one teachers to believe that it's the kids, not me. I've adjusted my approach and I've decided to use the "go quiet" approach rather than talk over the kiddies and it seems to be working. There's been a lot getting the kids to put their heads down rather than lecturing them on how to behave. I've also started to tell them that, "It makes Madame sad when you don't listen to her." And it works!

I also have to remember that I have to teach my students how to be grade ones and that they need lots of breaks. I do know that they love to sing and dance, both things that I enjoy doing and that I have to praise them a lot when they do things right.

4. My teaching partner is nuts. She's teaching the other French Immersion class and we're next door to one another. Not only is she way too intense, she spends her day yelling at her class, keeping them in at recess when they don't complete their work (and sometimes when she doesn't finish her lesson, she doesn't let them go outside or let them have their snack!).

I think she's forgotten that most of her class doesn't know how to read when she makes them do activities that are way too complicated (activities that I've adapted to be simpler so my class can feel a sense of some success!). Although we plan together and I've tried to be as diplomatic as possible, she can't seem to recognize that six year olds aren't little robots that will bend to her will.

Last week she even complained that she hated six year olds -- "I hate this age! I hated when my kids were this age!" were her exact words. Now, in the job posting it clearly said grade one French Immersion so most people could surmise that she would be teaching little kids. What frightens me is that she just wants to barrel through her lessons without regard for the needs of her class. I don't have a ton of experience teaching primary aged children, but I can acknowledge when my students need to have some free time. And yes, she's a mom. I honestly thought that someone that has parented two children that were once six years old could be a little more patient.

Oh yeah, she also makes basic mistakes when she speaks French, but I won't get into that here.

It's going to be a long year.

5. I miss my friends from my old school. Although my new staff is really great and supportive (staff that my teaching partner hasn't made an effort to meet, btw), it's been a difficult adjustment. I'm experiencing the growing pains that my class is, but I'm not stabbing anyone in the arm with a pencil!

Friday was a PD day so my girlfriends from my old school paid me a visit Friday afternoon when their meetings were done. They helped me do a couple things in my classroom while I planned with my teaching partner (who seemed kinda pissy that my girlfriends were there, have I mentioned that she's also pretty miserable?). It was fun to show them my new classroom and to see familiar faces. The pedicure also helped my spirits!

6. My back is feeling much better from my fall at the cottage. It took a couple visits to the chiropractor (who I'm making rich with my clumsiness!) and taking it easy at yoga. It was a pretty painful few days of school, but I don't even notice the pain when I'm teaching! I think my body is telling me that I need to take it easy while I'm learning my new position.

7. My cycle seems to have gone back to "normal". My period lasted seven days (down from fourteen a couple of months ago!) and for all of your Creighton Model people out there, I've had three dry days! I've never used so many green stickers! I finished my low dose antibiotics that my doctor put me on for my ureaplasma and aside from the yeast infection, I've really noticed a difference. I've also started taking Low Dose Naltrexone to combat the brown bleeding and spotting. I'm less than a week away from giving myself the HCG injections, but I'm not scared at all since it actually worked! Could we really be almost ready to actually TTC again? It seems like my body is starting to show me that it's ready to actual function the way it's supposed to!

8. I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends from church today. Mr. JB and I returned to our parish to celebrate the blessing of our new statue (the old one was vandalized a couple of years ago and the replacement was just installed and it's beautiful!) since we attended our regular earlier mass. We're become very active members of our church since we were married three years ago -- I'm on a few committees, he's a Knight of Columbus, we're ushers, so we know quite a few people. I was talking to one of my friends from the Social Justice Committee and I joked that we should probably have a baby so we can get out of some of our commitments (this is something that Mr. JB and I have talked about many, many times). Well, my friend B said, "You know only God can make a baby. It took M and I five years to have our first." And the lady that we were standing in said, "Don't worry, you still have time. You've only been trying for three years, you're not ready yet."

I'm taking this as a positive sign.

I really hope that all of my rambling made sense. I send hugs and love to all of you and although I may not be commenting on your blogs, I'm trying my best to keep up.

Now I'm off to plan out some fun math activities! Hopefully this upcoming week will be better than the last two!

p.s. I've recently discovered that I can drink white wine again. I may have been indulging quite a bit since school has started. Woohoo!

p.p.s. The news of Sarah McLachlan's marriage breaking up has gotten me really sad. I think that she's a phenomenal artist. I don't usually get caught up in celebrity romances, but I think it's her Canadian-ness that makes me feel like she's part of my family. Her last studio album, Afterglow, was released around the time I met Mr. JB and it coincided with a really happy time in both of our lives. I wanted our first dance at our wedding to be her song, Push, but we ended up choosing another song. It's too bad that she didn't find her happy ending when I did.

What have I gotten myself into???

One down, 193 to go.

I apologize in advance if this entry makes no sense.

Let me preface this with the fact that I've been a teacher since 1999. I've taught university aged students to pre-schoolers on two continents. But I've never, ever been this tired after one day of school.

One school day with twenty-two six year olds wore me out!

Not only was a attacked by way too many eager parents this morning in the school yard, but I spent more time refereeing little kid behaviour than teaching! I've got a couple of firecrackers that I am sure that are going to make me hoarse on a regular basis and some kids that had no idea that they were in a French Immersion class, let alone a school!

Griping aside, the kids were pretty cute! I've never held hands with students while walking down the hall and I've never had kids fight to get to the front of the line so they could be beside me! I had a couple of little girls give me compliment my clothes, hair, necklace and shoes (they were invading my personal space, but hey, they're six!).

I'm definitely going to miss students that are independent and that don't need me to do everything for them. I also think that the tattle telling is also going to get on my nerves, but nothing can beat the excited little faces that greeted me this morning. The kiddies thought that it was pretty funny when I put up my hand too when I asked who was nervous and scared to come to school. And there are already a couple of kids that I want to hide in my briefcase and take home!

I do know that I'm going to have to go to bed at least two hours earlier since I had to take a nap after school in order to speak in coherent sentences.

My goal for tomorrow is to teach my class not to call me Miss Madame and to keep the kids from eating their lunch at snack time.

Baby steps, yes?

29!!!!

The HCG injections have worked! I'm on cycle day 29 and no sign of AF anywhere! I haven't had a cycle free of brown bleeding in so long I can't even remember when the last one was! So I guess that the needles that I administered myself and the antibiotics for ureaplasma have done their job.

YAY!!!!!!!

So tomorrow marks the end of my summer vacation. I know that I shouldn't complain about going back to work when I've been off since the end of June, but every Labour Day I feel like the summer has gone too fast. I am so glad that we were away for most of July since August was just a blur.

I'm pretty excited about starting my new adventure with little grade ones. I know that it will be a school year full of challenges, but of new experiences. I think that I'm going to have so many funny stories to share -- can you imagine teaching six year olds how to speak French? It's going to be hilarious!

So happy end of summer everyone! Can you see me waving goodbye to my summer vacation?

Capsizing kayaks

It's a gray and rainy on Shingwak Island, so I've spent the morning finishing up the last bits for my class. I've finished labeling and putting together my communication folders for each of the kiddies, and I've start my communication binder. I'm relieved to know that my desk arrived and will be ready to set up on Tuesday morning and that I have enough activities copied for the first couple weeks of school.

I arrived at the island after three and a half hours of very scenic driving down the 401 East. After spending July in Europe I am reminded at how absolutely beautiful Ontario is. I found myself looking at the lush, green trees and marveling at the beauty of it all. We're going on a kayak tour of the 1000 Islands later on in September and I'm looking forward to seeing the leaves change colour.

I started my first full day on the island with quite a bang yesterday. Aside from swimming, there are plenty of other water toys that guests can enjoy. First Mr. JB, fresh from his drive back from NYC, and I paddle boated back to our cars to retrieve my sunglasses then I decided that going on a little kayaking adventure would be the most fun way to spend my time. Little did I know that the kayak in easy reach was not docked in the most convenient place for entry. Since I did kayaking lessons last summer I felt pretty confident that I could get in and paddle away.

Alas I was quite wrong.

I tried to get into the flat-bottomed kayak and immediately started to teeter back and forth. In an effort to steady myself I grabbed onto one of rungs on the bridge to the dock and after about 17 seconds of hanging on for dear life I head the board start to crack. Before I knew it I was in the water. Thank God I put on my life-jacket!

Not to be deterred I decided that I was going to go to the other side of the bridge and try to get in again, and I proceeded to flip the kayak a second time. This time I needed help to empty the kayak of all the water since it was so crazy heavy with all of the water it took on. Thank goodness my best friend's hubby volunteered his water removing expertise or else I would still be scooping water out! I had no idea that there was a valve at the end of the kayak to let all of the water out.

Well, after three tries (and with some assistance) I finally got into the kayak and got to putter around the lake. I almost tipped in when a blood-thirsty deer fly tried to take a chunk out of my leg, but I successfully swatted it away while keeping upright.

After my little jaunt I decided to go for a little dip in the very cold lake which was fun, but kind of slimy. The island is on Pine Lake and has quite a rocky bottom so we have to wear water shoes to avoid injury. The rest of the day was spent lazing around, visiting town for groceries and learning how to play Euchre.

Honestly, I could stay here forever!

So aside from the sore shoulder and the bruised pride, I'm having a great time. I can't say enough about how glad I am to have finished all of my classroom preparations early. I'm thinking that it's going to be a yearly occurrence. I'm trying not to think too hard about the end of the summer and what that means.

On the infertility front: I gave myself the third needle of HCG Wednesday and I will be giving myself the last one tonight. I'm thinking that it's making a difference since my period has not come as of yet. When I was on the oral progesterone my period always came around now, and there's no sign of it. I really hope that these needles are doing their job!

Just cross your fingers that it stops raining so we can go outside!

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Update: I just fell down the stairs and banged my back on some rocks. I haven't been this accident prone in a very long time. OUCH!!!!! I visited my RMT on Monday and she fixed my back all up for the first week of school, I really hope that all of the good stuff didn't get undone by my fall.

Perhaps I do have to go back to the 'burbs...