Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal

Could I be allergic to my T3???? -- Updated

2012-01-27T06:25:00.001-06:00

I'm trying not to panic.

My dose was increased a week ago today from 7.5mcg to 15mcg twice a day.

In the past few days I've had a rash develop on my back and the skin on my face has been really sensitive and itchy.

My diet, soap, clothes detergent, anything allergenic has not changed.

Only the T3.

It didn't dawn on my until last night right before bed.

I see my local Napro doctor on Monday.

It can't come sooner.

Now, I hope that I don't itch all of my skin off!

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Update: Thank you all for your advice. I did call my compounding pharmacy and the pharmacist said that I have had the same fillers in previous prescriptions (namely Low Dose N.altrexone). He did say that since T3 is a hormone that there is a possibility that I could be allergic to it. He did recommend a few ways to figure out whether or not I am actually allergic to it and he also said that there are other ways I can take T3 (either by topical ointment or troche).

The rash hasn't gotten worse which is a good thing. I also acknowledge that it has been REALLY cold and dry, I do live in Canada after all. I have to remember not to crank the hot water in the shower since I do have dry, sensitive skin.

There's never a dull moment at the JellyBelly household!

JellyBelly vs. Hormones

2012-01-24T19:48:00.000-06:00

Or at least that's what I'm blaming my crazies on today.

I just had a meltdown.

And I'm not proud of it.

Let me back up: I had the worst day ever. It started with my smoothie spilling all over my stuff which resulted in a twenty minute cleanup -- bending is getting easier, but having to clean drippy smoothie was not my idea of fun at 8am. I was panicked because I had before-school yard supervision and I could see that the clock was working against me.

I finished tidying up my mess just in time to head outside. I like to have a couple of minutes to get my head wrapped around my day, but this morning I had zero time.

Then I decided to change my seating arrangement back to what it was before I left. My substitute separated the kids into pairs and I put them back into groups. I prefer the group set-up since the kids work better co-operatively AND makes the classroom so much bigger. I have a rocking chair in one corner of my room and I wasn't able to use it since the desks were in the way. I also hope that the kids will stop saying, "When Mme S was here, we did this..." now things are back to the way they were before my leave.

We made paper bag dragons to celebrate Chinese New Year and the activity took half the day. My teaching partner did the same activity and it took her an hour. Needless to say, I got a bit stressed out since they took so long. I don't like to skip math, but I had to since I couldn't stop them in the middle of their cutting and gluing frenzy.

I've been dealing with some difficult kids in my class -- mainly it's bad attitude and laziness. I've tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, praising the good kids to show them what kind of behaviour that I expect, speaking to their parents, etc., etc. The next thing I'm going to do is pray a class rosary the next time they misbehave, even if it's to just calm me down!

So after my very long, bad day I had a massage to look forward to. When I got home I asked Mr. JB to give me a hug and then he asked me about the recipe we chose for dinner tonight.

Mr. JB enjoys cooking, but he doesn't like to venture out of his comfort zone. We found a really easy Mexican soup recipe and we decided that he would make it tonight since I was getting home late. He insists that his question was rhetorical, but I was just so tired and hungry that I broke down.

I know that it was the frustration of the day and not his question, but I just couldn't take an ounce more. He was very apologetic and I felt like a complete a$$ since I don't normally act like a lunatic when he asks me cooking-related questions.

Honestly, the last days of a 2WW are the pits!

Stupid, stupid hormones. I thought HCG was going to miraculously fix my crazies, I guess I have to wait another cycle for that!!

I just realized...

2012-01-22T20:37:00.000-06:00

...that I will be Peak +15 on my birthday on Saturday.

I was in my Restorative yoga class this evening and it hit me, and the thought totally took me out of my relaxed state.

I will either be enjoying the company of AF, or I will be losing my mind because I made it that far in my cycle.

Two things that are crazy-making in my infertile brain.

The last week in the 2WW is the pits.

On the upside: My local Napro doctor phoned me on Friday night at 7:40pm to tell me to raise my dose of T3. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful doctor. I am feeling an improvement on 15mcg twice a day. I've been feeling so alert and "with it" since I upped my dosage on Saturday morning. I was even able to finish my laundry (hand washing and all) last night when we got home from a dinner date with some friends. I'm still waiting for the warmth, but it's also been super cold up here, so I may be cold for another reason!

p.s. I've realized that I have a really bad attitude with regards to my crazy class. I need to figure out how to deal with these kids without losing my mind or resorting to copious amounts of alcohol. Advice anyone?

Maybe this no exercising thing is a good thing...

2012-01-18T17:44:00.000-06:00

As I was prepping dinner tonight I had a thought:

"If this was 'normal' JellyBelly, I would be a yoga class right now."

Instead, I was making a (I'm assuming since we haven't eaten it yet) tasty stir fry.

And yesterday, I made a very yummy dish for Tofu Tuesday (we normally eat Meatless Mondays, but we had a last minute dinner invitation to my fertile best friend's house, Mr. JB couldn't say no to roast beef!).

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be at the class I usually attend on Wednesday nights, but it's a great thing to make dinner for my husband.

I haven't cooked this much since we first got married!

I've also been able to get some organizing done in the kitchen -- since it's usually Mr. JB's domain it isn't always the most organized room in the house.

I also had energy this afternoon and I was able to crouch down at a kid's desk during math.

Two BIG victories!

And now all I have to do is finish my report cards. Which may be the other reason why I organized my spice cupboard last night!

Learning Humility

2012-01-15T21:55:00.000-06:00

I returned to my yoga practice this past week.

And it was hard.

Much harder than I thought it was going to be and they were both VERY easy classes -- both classes that were pieces of cake prior to my surgeries.

I had lofty ideas that after taking November off that I would be able to do the easier and Restorative classes at my yoga studio. It became clear by the beginning of December that there was no way that I could. I wasn't even ready to drive by myself until a couple of weeks before Christmas.

I was okay with being homebound since I was in so much discomfort, but I do have to admit that my pride was wounded.

I know that my level of physical fitness has helped me in my recovery, but the fact that I have a hard time not using my abdominal muscles is messing with my mind.

I love to exercise. I love the adrenalin rush. I'm also scared of not being fit.

I am also so scared of gaining weight.*

I'm scared of turning into an unattractive blob.

And today when I had a hard time getting into the once very easy posture (anything that involves lying flat on my back is a challenge), I heard that voice inside of my head.

A voice that berated, rather than was patient with my healing body.

I should've celebrated the fact that I survived a week of work with my challenging class. I should've celebrated the fact that I made it to TWO yoga classes, one of which was after school. But instead, it was the not-so-nice voice that came into my head.

So as I was doing a gentle spinal twist, one that used to be quite the simple feat for my usually flexible self, I thought, "You need to learn something from this."

And the word humility came to mind.

I am not good at being humble. I am not good at asking for help. And I am definitely not good at being patient with my body.

So as I look down at my little rounded belly, I have to stop the voice in my head from calling myself ugly names. What I have to do is remember that I'm still healing and that my discomfort and inabilities are temporary (although I'm still a bit surprised as to how uncomfortable I was last week. My body did not like going back to work at all!).

Hopefully in six months I will be able to go for a power walk or jog around the gym with my class, but if I can't I will be okay.

Or better yet, I'll have a rounded belly for another reason....

One can only hope.

*For those of you that have met me in real life I know that I'm not overweight. I have body image issues. I grew up with a mother that called me ugly and fat -- and yes, I went through a few years of therapy. I know that I'm not fat.

The Case of the Missing CM -- Calling all CrMS Peeps!

2012-01-12T19:04:00.001-06:00

Since my first laparotomy in August 2009 I haven't had any issues with cervical mucus. In fact, I didn't use green stickers until my surgeries in Omaha. Dr. Hilgers worked some magic on my cervix to make that happen!

My first post-op cycle was SUPER short (19 days long), but I had beautiful CM for three days, but this cycle nothing. Well, barely nothing. I know that it's because I took Clom.id on CD6, 7, 8 and 9 (yes, I know it was late, but my local doctor said that it couldn't hurt).

So this is what my chart looks like:
CD1-6 red stickers (a pretty normal period)
CD7 red sticker (Bx3, 10CLx2 -- only one day of brown, yay!!!!)
CD8 10KLx2,
CD9-12 10SLAD
CD13 green sticker
CD14 10KLx2, 10SLx3
CD15 10CLx1, 10KLx1 (thus far)

I thought that the 10KL was just because Mr. JB and I "used a day of fertility" and I wasn't thorough enough while bearing down.

[Honest to Pete, IF has really taken away my inhibitions! Yes, I lost the majority of mine while in the hospital in Omaha and the doctor had to examine me because I was having some pelvic pain. Let's just say there was an upside down bedpan and some scooching to the edge of the bed involved. Thank God for all of the good, deep yogic breathing I've learned!]

So here is my question: When is my Peak day? I've never double-Peaked before, but I do have newly renovated ladyparts. My biggest concern is when I am supposed to start HCG which I'm supposed to take on Peak +3, 5, 7, and 9.

Btw, pre-surgery Peak was usually on CD17 or 18.

Help!!!!!

p.s. Happy 600th post to me!

Hello, my friends...

2012-01-11T17:10:00.000-06:00

I have never been happier to take medication. EVER. And from a girl that has an "old man" pill sorter so she can keep everything straight, this is big.

The first vial is my T3, and the second and third are my prescription for Low Dose N.altrexone (since I've bee off of it since the end of October my doctor said that I need to slowly increase my dosage).

I know that I shouldn't put all my hopes on one medication, but I feel so victorious since I've suspected that I has hypothyroid for a few years. It wasn't until Dr. Hilgers ran my blood work in Omaha was it found that my numbers were off.

I am watching the clock until 6:30pm, the time that we decided was the best to take the T3. It has to be taken on an empty stomach and although it will be a pain to wake up early during the weekend, it's a small sacrifice to make for better health.

Yay!!!!

The Return to Reality

2012-01-09T20:20:00.001-06:00

I survived day one remarkably well. The exhaustion didn't hit me until after we had supper, but now I'm ready to go to bed (and it's barely 9pm!).

The kids were so happy to see me and I even got a couple Christmas presents. One of my sweet girls gave me a card that said that she missed me. I kept that one up on my desk! Unfortunately a few of my students tried to test their boundaries with me and I had to threaten them -- the kids hate it when I walk them outside to tell their mothers what ridiculousness they were up to during the day. I asked one of the kids, "Do you want me to go outside on my first day back? Your mother isn't going to like that!"

By lunch time I was tired, but thanks to H.ydrocort I was able to get through my afternoon. I did notice that I had some pelvic pain from all of the walking around I had to do -- my activity went up by 210% today! I have to remember to take it easy and to take more sitting breaks (I was writing down some ideas on chart paper and I pulled up my rocking chair so I could sit, something I never wouldn't done pre-surgery, but I just couldn't do it!).

It's so humbling to have to listen to my body. I try to pride myself in being tough, but I know that I need to rest and take it easy, two things that I have a very hard time with. God is definitely teaching me some good lessons!

Speaking of lessons, I have learned that patience is sometimes rewarded: I finally got a call back from PPVI regarding my cycle review. I panicked last night and I e-mailed them because it is so hard to get a hold of me during the day now that I'm back at work. While I was waiting at the chiropractor's office my phone rang and I was able to answer it!

Dr. Hilgers' recommendations for this cycle were exactly the same as my local Napro doctor's. His only concern was that I started Cl.omid a little late (my doctor wanted me to give it a shot so I took it on CD 6, 7, 8, and 9). Dr. H wants me to take it earlier next cycle.

I am very happy to say that Mr. JB took my prescriptions for T3 and Low Dose N.altrexone to our local compounding pharmacy (have I mentioned that we have a Napro-trained pharmacist just down the road from my house? It's such a relief that I don't have to worry about getting medications from the US!). I cannot wait to get my hands on the T3!

Those of you that have taken or are taking T3, do you have any advice? Have any of you had any side effects?

Thank you all for your prayers! I know that you all had a BIG part in helping me get through the day.

Now it's off to bed for me! I'm pooped!

p.s. I missed my fourth blogoversary on January 7th -- I can't believe that I've been blogging for four years! I am forever grateful to the blogging community for saving my sanity in this world of IF!

Do I have to?

2012-01-08T20:43:00.000-06:00

Last week a very nice lady from the school board called to check on my return to work. I wanted to badly to say that I wouldn't be able to return to my regular duties, but I can't.

Physically, I am feeling so much better. My energy level is so much higher and I was even able to take down the Christmas decorations with little help. I even organized the boxes underneath the basement steps, something that Mr. JB has a very hard time doing (he didn't enjoy playing Te.tris as much as I did, I guess!).

I know that teaching my class is going to take a lot of energy and I can't compare going to the mall or having visitors over to working a full day, but I am going to explain to the kids that I have to take it easy. It's going to be hard on my pride to slow down since I'm used to moving at lightning speed when I'm at school. There will be a lot of sitting going on in my classroom!

So if you have some prayers to spare, I'd appreciate it. I don't usually feel anxious about work, but I do. I hope that my body can handle being a grown up again!

God, Please Give Me Patience

2012-01-06T10:22:00.000-06:00

God, please, please give me patience.

Give me patience to deal with my father-in-law who just blamed me for erasing Sk.ype on his laptop by unplugging it from the power supply. Apparently I am to blame for every technological problem in his home. Yes, I am that powerful.

Give me patience to wait for yet another call-back from the nurses at PPVI. I did speak to a nurse yesterday after two days of waiting, but now she has to ask Dr. Hilgers some specific questions. I would really love my dosage of T3 before the weekend. I know that this is out of my control, but I'm still so impatient!

Give me patience with myself. I have been feeling so anxious about going back to work on Monday. I got a call from the school board office yesterday regarding my return to work. I have to call them today and I would love to say that I can't return, but that isn't an option. I wish I didn't have to go back to work, but my leave is done and I have no physical reason to stay home.

Give me patience with my IF. I am so done with being IF. I want to be a mom RIGHT NOW. I don't think I need to elaborate.

Please God, please give me patience. Just a bit more so I can get through this day.

p.s. Yes Cl.omid, I am mad at you.

Starting the Year Off with Victories

2012-01-04T10:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a good day.

I was productive.

I went out for hot chocolate with a good friend.

AND I had an AMAZING appointment with my local Napro doctor!

I told her that I was waiting for my cycle review with PPVI, who ironically called me back while I was waiting for my appointment (so I couldn't answer my phone -- I do believe that the devil works in the phones!).

Dr. T agreed that we were done with being cautious and she prescribed me C.lomid, HCG and T3 (which I'm not going to fill until I speak to the nurse at PPVI). Now that we're in cycle two post-op, there's no reason why we can't start TTC.

I think that I floated out of her office!

So I'm trying really hard not to think about the Cl.omid-induced headache that I have right now. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I am wearing real pants for the first time since my surgeries. I put on a pair of jeans and they buttoned up! I am so relieved since I don't think I'm allowed to wear sweats to teach.

I'm hoping that I can tell this happy feeling all through 2012.

St. John Neumann, pray for us!

Hi 2012, it's me, JellyBelly

2012-01-01T20:07:00.001-06:00

Dear 2012,

First off, welcome. I have to admit that I was very happy to see the end of 2011. I was quite surprised by my reaction last night when we were close to midnight -- I don't usually have such visceral reactions to New Year's festivities, but I last night I did.

2011 was a tough year. Not only did we start it off with a battle with my brother-in-law and family drama (which continues, but I'm not going to get into that here), but we have experienced so much loss. I am so sick of going to funeral home visitations and funerals! The toughest losses were my father-in-law's girlfriend and Auntie Fran, the former I had such difficulty with and the latter, I loved so much.

And then there was our ongoing battle with IF. I knew at the beginning of 2011 that it was going to be a big year for us. I was hoping that we would finally conceive our baby JellyBelly, but instead we emptied our bank account and went to Omaha. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the experience and I feel so much better, but it would've been so great if I didn't have to have two surgeries.

But I digress.

2012, I have to admit something. I'm pretty freaked out about meeting you. Actually, I'm pretty (insert a really bad expletive here) scared . I'm afraid because my heart is truly hopeful for the first time in two years and we have one of the best doctors in the world working with us. I am trying really hard not to be negative, but after so many years of trying, it's hard not to be a pessimist.

I know that I have to trust and believe, 2012, and really I should just surrender all of my anxieties to God, but you know that I'm a type-A infertile. I have such a hard time giving up control of anything. I want to be able to believe that this is going to be our year (and we've had more than one person say that to us).

I am not good at being scared 2012. I'm so used to being tough and brave, or at least pretending to be. I've spent so much of my life being independent JellyBelly that I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life 2012 and I am so tired of waiting.

Please 2012, can you please be a kinder and gentler year? I don't know if I can handle another doozy like 2011.

I promise to be really good this year, although I have no idea what my New Year's Resolutions are going to be -- I'll work on that next.

I apologize for the lukewarm reception. I hope that we get to be better friends as the year goes on.

Love,
JellyBelly

p.s. I have a few friends that could use a break too. Check out my blog roll. I'm sure you can figure it out.

p.p.s. Thanks for the really cool patron saint! St. John Neumann is my patron for 2012 and Mr. JB got St. René Goupil!

Prayer Buddy Reveal & Happy Boxing Day!

2011-12-26T11:40:00.000-06:00

My Advent Prayer Buddy was Polkadot from Making God Laugh!

First off, I can't believe that Advent is over! One would think that being homebound for most of the season would make time move slower, but it was the exact opposite!

I offered up my discomforts and healing pain for your intentions Polkadot (so you got A LOT of prayers!). I also prayed the Immaculate Conception and St. Andrew Christmas Novenas for your intentions. I hope that my prayers helped! I will continue to pray for your intentions and your work as a
FertilityCare practitioner -- you are truly doing God's work and I know that He will bless you for all that you do!

--------------------------------

I also want to thank Hebrews who was praying for me! She has been such an amazing support to me in the recent months. Not only did she visit me in the hospital in Omaha, but our daily communication has helped me get through a very difficult recovery. The Holy Spirit definitely had His hand in pairing us together! God bless you my amazing friend!

You are amazing at keeping secrets!!!!!
----------------------------------

Our Christmas celebration was mostly drama-free. My parents had to leave early so as soon as they were gone I was able to relax and have fun with the rest of my extended family. My biggest complaint was that my father-in-law insisted on leaving early (Mr. JB and I would've stayed if he wasn't with us, but we had to leave).

We're hanging out with my fertile best friend's family today. If my FIL wants to go home early he can walk around the corner and take himself!

I hope that the rest of you are having a wonderful holiday. My cousins are coming over tomorrow and I am so excited. I love it when the people I love come to my house!

Do not be afraid...

2011-12-25T10:35:00.000-06:00

...for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy
that will be for all the people.
For today in the city of David
a savior has been born for you who is Christ and Lord.

Merry Christmas!

For nothing is impossible with God...

2011-12-18T21:41:00.000-06:00

So I was feeling sorry for myself this morning at mass. I was looking around at all the beautiful little kids, mainly the kids that have been born since we got married, and I felt so sad.

Don't get me wrong, I love Advent. I love Christmas. Our parish is so beautiful and it is so easy to feel the spirit of the season.

But this morning as I sat in the pew, I just felt sad. I wanted to be like Mary. I want to have a life growing inside of me. I was so tired of being an infertile woman. So very, very tired.

And then during the gospel it hit me like a ton of bricks:

And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing is impossible with God.

For nothing is impossible with God.

When I heard the words read aloud the doubt and feel-me-sorries disappeared. It was like the Holy Spirit was talking directly to me.

"Wake up JellyBelly, I'm here. I've lead you this far, just be patient."

Our journey, particularly our journey to Omaha, was filled with so many blessings. I have been able to stay home knowing that I have a job to return to (not that I ever want to return to work, but that's another post for another time). I have been able to let myself rest and relax, two things that I have a hard time doing.

For nothing is impossible with God.

I have said to myself over and over today. I may have to get a t-shirt made or a billboard-sized sign for my house.

Thank you for getting through my thick skull Lord, I needed it.

Strange Dreams & Phone Frustration

2011-12-15T09:20:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that since going off of Lo.w D.ose Nal.trexone my dreams have been less vivid, but last night I had a doozy. It wasn't the strangest dream I've ever had (I regularly surprise Mr. JB with my crazy dreams), but I felt so weird when I woke up.

I dreamt that I was shopping (something that I've been doing to get myself out of the house -- I went to the mall two days in a row! Yay!). I went into a shoe store and while I was browsing I picked up a really cute and comfortable pair. For those of you that spend a lot of time on your feet, cute and comfortable shoes are hard to find (I am not ready to wear grandma shoes!). When I examined the shoes closer there was a label inside that said, "For pregnant women only."

In my dream I walked out of the store all shaken up and that's when I woke up.

What's up with that?

--------------------------

So I know that I need to learn more lessons on patience and waiting. In retrospect what happened yesterday was not that big of a deal, but at the time it felt earth shattering.

You see, I was told to call PPVI this week for my six-week post-op follow-up. So I did what I was told and I called at 9am CST (I am very good at following directions). I figured that the call would come later on in the day so I was able to go to the chiropractor and then I did some Christmas shopping. When I didn't get a call back Monday evening I figured that I would get a call the next day.

When lunch time rolled around on Tuesday I decided to call to see where I was in the queue. The receptionist apologized and said that she had seen my file and that I would be called some time that day. And guess who didn't get called?

So Wednesday rolled around and I had to attend a funeral mass for the mother-in-law of a friend, so I called again to see where I was in the queue before I left the house. I was relieved that when I got home that they hadn't called (if you miss a call from the nurses you go to the bottom of the list, strange system since it isn't a new call, but a call back -- really, don't get me started). I had to leave my house for another chiropractor appointment so I called PPVI again to leave them my cell phone number, just in case.

And guess what happened. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and they called. I left my phone unattended for two minutes and they called.

What???

I immediately called back. This time I was desperate. I told the woman on the phone that I had been waiting for THREE days for a call back and I had missed the call by TWO minutes. I was almost in tears, which is not the norm for me. I pretty much begged for mercy for a call back. I really didn't want to have to wait THREE more days for a call back. I was also stressed because I had to leave to go to the chiropractor. It was raining pretty heavily and I knew that my twenty minute drive was going to be much longer.

I guess my "patience" was rewarded because the nurse called me back in fifteen minutes. Although I'm not allowed to talk and drive, I broke the law for a good cause. I asked if I could go back on LDN (and I was told that I would get a call back, hahahaha).

I said to Mr. JB that if it wasn't PPVI I would've yelled at someone. I have no patience at all for being given the runaround. I know that PPVI is understaffed and that their client base is growing which is a good thing in the grand scheme of things.

The Lord is reminding me to be patient. My journey is not over, not by a long shot.
--------------------------------
I am finally done my Christmas cards. I did finally find my groove and was able to finish. I tried to put love and good intentions into each card. My big outing today is the post office and I'm so excited about that! I love having the energy to get out by myself. Thank you all for your kind comments. Btw, I can't count, this is year seven of the Christmas cards.

[sigh]

Prayer buddy, I've been offering up so much for you! I hope you're feeling it!

Christmas Card Resentment

2011-12-13T09:47:00.000-06:00

I would like to think of myself as the queen of Christmas.

I love decorating (my main Christmas tree has a theme and we have a tree in our bedroom).

I love holiday baking.

I love buying gifts, and mostly I love wrapping them (I need to get into a groove and once I do, I'm a machine!).

I love listening to Christmas carols.

And until this year, I loved sending out Christmas cards.

Our first Christmas as a married couple we sent out a wedding picture as our card. The second year we sent out very beautiful Uni.cef cards. The third year... And the fourth year...

We're on year six.

Year six of sending out very beautiful cards.

Cards that I wish were cute pictures of our equally cute kids with "Merry Christmas from the JellyBellies" written on the bottom.

I am so afraid that I'm going to be here staring down our seventh Christmas sending out the same boring cards.

Even the Ho.w I M.et Yo.ur Mo.ther marathon is only lessening the blow just a tiny bit. Perhaps I may need to crack open a bottle of wine....

IF you suck big, fat donkey balls.

Take me back to the start...

2011-12-11T15:35:00.000-06:00

CD2.

Praise Jesus!

Yesterday morning when AF finally arrived after her long, unpregnant hiatus, she returned in all her glory. I can already tell that things are different, and in a good way. I am again thankful for pain medicine -- I was warned by many that the first couple of cycles were going to be rough.

I was absolutely joyful and then it hit me.

We're back on the TTC train.

Break over.

No excuses.

One would think that after six years and finally having a real shot at making a baby JellyBelly that I would be overjoyed, but I'm feeling more than a little scared. Heck, I'm petrified.

The "what ifs" have been running through my head, and most of them negative. Oh Advent Prayer Buddy, I'm offering so much up for you!

So as I was driving the feel-me-sorry train this song popped into my head. I'm going to try to erase the past six years of disappointment by distraction. Thank you to Ch.ris Mar.tin and the boys.

If I can't have an infertile island...

2011-12-09T20:04:00.000-06:00

I will dream of spending Christmas in my beloved Paris.

[I was secretly wishing that I would magically fall pg before my surgery in Omaha and we could take our surgery fund to Europe, alas we all know how that turned out.]

Christmas in Paris is so beautiful.

The city is decorated so fantastically. Every building, every tree, every window display is just exquisite.

Unfortunately my photos of Christmas in Paris are not digital so I had to borrow some images from the trusty internet.

Galé.ries Lafa.yette is my favourite department store. I couldn't really afford to shop there, but I would walk through the aisles of the top designers and I would dream. Mr. JB have a gorgeous photo taken on the rooftop terrace when we were there 2008. This Christmas tree is in 'le grand dome' inside.

I never spent Christmas in Paris because I couldn't stand to be away from my crazy family. We did spend Basti.lle Day at the E.iffel Tow.er and it was the most magnificent fireworks display that I have ever seen. I can imagine that the light show at Christmas is just as spectacular.

I miss the girl that I was while I lived in France. She had no idea what was in store for her. She was so innocent and hopeful.

Who wants to join me on my imaginary trip?

A Knife Through My Infertile Heart

2011-12-07T10:14:00.000-06:00

Oh Face.book.

You've been so good to me during my recovery, but not this morning.

A friend that got married two months after us had their second child this morning.

[sigh]

I wish that I wasn't so jealous, but I am.

I wish that I could be cuddling on my couch with my baby, but I'm not.

What sucks is that I woke up feeling so good. I took Ad.vil last night at 8pm and I took my next dose at 10am.

And now I'm deflated.

I am definitely going to treat myself to a St.arbucks treat after I get my eyebrows threaded (yes, this is what I've chosen as my first solo trip, I LOVE getting hair removed from my face). I'd much rather have a glass of wine, but not just yet....

In Search of Aunt Flo! Help!

2011-12-06T09:51:00.001-06:00

Who would've thought that I would miss my period?

But I do, badly.

I had my first surgery with Dr. Hilgers on November 1st and I was on CD9 (he likes to do surgery before CD10). I had the "works" done and I know from looking at my (scary) bill, I had a D&C (I also remember being told that it was done, but that was in my post-surgical pain haze).

My CM returned last week, and if I was actually charting and paying attention I'd have some idea of where AF could be.

Also, I've been noticing hair loss. I know that my body is under stress from recovery and that I have thyroid issues, but I'm starting to think that I need to get some R.ogaine!

Advice anyone?

And now back to our scheduled programming...

2011-12-04T19:51:00.000-06:00

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers on yesterday's post. I'm thinking that the Lord wants me to learn even more patience as part of my Advent preparation. Tomorrow my parents are taking me to my chiropractor appointment (I didn't realize that my mom had the day off and I just wanted my dad to take me, but that plan backfired) and then we're going to go dishwasher shopping. That will definitely be an exercise in patience.

Would it be a really bad thing if I starting drinking wine while still taking pain meds?

[don't worry, I'm just joking]

So I've been feeling so much better. I've decided to stop setting the alarm to take my pain medication through the night and I've been waking up without too much pain. I started this experiment on Thursday and I just realized that I had missed my evening dose of Ad.vil, but I wasn't uncomfortable (and this was after taking a shower upstairs and giving my purse a good clean-out). Having a night of uninterrupted sleep has been so good for my recovery.

I've also decided to sleep in after Mr. JB leaves for work. The first week I was alone I was getting up with him at 6:30 (the time I usually wake up to go to work) and I was feeling sluggish during the day. This past week I slept in until 8:30 and I felt so much better.

My appetite is back with a vengeance. We got some nitrate-free cold turkey and pork and I've been having open faced sandwiches for breakfast, with my homemade pickles on the side. Not being able to eat eggs is such a pain and I have to be creative with my protein! Anyone with any other gluten, egg, or cow-dairy free breakfast ideas?

I've been having some serious blood sugar issues. I was diagnosed with insulin-resistance earlier this year and I've really made an effort to eat low-GI (although some days I would love to eat a loaf of my gluten-free cinnamon raisin bread, but I don't!). I've been feeling really strange, particularly tingly hands and feet after eating dairy-free ice cream (which is not exactly low in sugar!) for dessert. My heart also starts to race. The first time it happened I thought I was having a panic attack. The second time I was able to breathe deeply and make myself fall asleep. On Friday night I spent an hour trying to find a way to lower my blood sugar naturally on the internet.

I made Mr. JB goo.gle my symptoms and I am convinced that it has to do with my blood sugar. I think that the biggest part of my problem is that my activity level is so much lower than normal -- I miss going to yoga four times a week (which I guess is a sign that I am feeling better). I've tried to walk around the house more and I even did a bit of laundry yesterday (I loaded the washer, but I didn't unload the dryer since there was too much pulling involved). Do any of you that are insulin-resistant feel the same way after eating too much sugar? Btw, I'm taking 500 mg of Met.formin twice a day as well as chromium to help with my sugars.

Regardless of my strange new symptoms I feel like I'm making a turn towards recovery. It's amazing how much better I feel in comparison to last week. Riding in the car isn't too bad and we even attended my cousin's daughter's dance performance last night! We didn't get home until almost midnight!

I feel such a difference in my pain and my pelvis feels clear -- my pelvic abscess sister Hebrews understands the mess that infection can leave behind! My body actually feels lighter, does that make sense?

Prayer buddy you are working wonders! Thank you!

Why does it always surprise me?

2011-12-03T11:03:00.000-06:00

I'm an optimist.

It's my default setting. And am I ever glad that I try to look at the good rather than dwell in the bad. If that were the case IF would've crushed me a long time ago.

I've been stewing about this for a couple of days. My blood pressure is surely elevated and I wish that I could have a glass, heck a bottle of wine right now. The fact that I have to deal with stress on top of recovering from major surgery is not making me happy.

It's my mother.

She has done so well since my surgery. She's good in a crisis. She likes taking care of me and I've let her -- I don't like to be coddled at all which is one of the biggest reasons for our conflict. She is one of the biggest reasons why I went into therapy while I was in university and why I needed to "find myself" on the other side of the world.

I have come to peace with my relationship with her. I know how to deal with her without making myself crazy, but now I'm a little flummoxed. Now she's fighting with her siblings and I feel like I'm caught in the middle.

You see, she's one of ten and seven of her siblings live very close to one another (north of me, thank God!). There's been family drama since last Christmas (that my immediate family wasn't involved in) and now my mother has announced that although it's her turn to host "No one is going to want to come to my house anyway."

My mother tells me nothing. This post is the biggest proof. I also have strong suspicions that she deals with crazy hormones like I do. Unfortunately for her she doesn't have treatment for her craziness, hormonal or not.

What worries me is that it seems like she's holding grudges. She had an altercation with one of her younger brothers a while ago and although he has since apologized, she is still very angry at him. My parents didn't show up at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving, but my mother gave me a lame excuse that they had a previous engagement. I didn't know about the fight until a couple of weeks ago.

I know that there is more going on then what she's telling me. There has to be. She's trying her best to get Mr. JB and I to side with her. I told her with 100% certainty that I am going to spend Christmas with my cousins. I do have issues with one of my uncles (remember the one that told Mr. JB that he should find a "second wife" to give him kids? I don't even speak to him), but I love my cousins. I was taught to forgive and love my family, but she is obviously not following any of the lessons that she tried to teach me.

I wish that my mother didn't make my blood boil. The sad thing is that if I was made to choose between my extended family and my mother, it wouldn't be an automatic choice. She has not been the most supportive parent and she treats me so horribly. I hate feeling manipulated.

Please pray for my crazy mother. It's obvious that she's dealing with a lot. I just wish I could feel more patience for her.

Thankful Thursday & Liebster Award

2011-12-01T12:56:00.001-06:00

I was inspired this morning by Rebecca at the Road Home to participate in my first Thankful Thursday.

1) I am so thankful for my Vita.mix! I made an Emerald Smoothie this morning as part of my breakfast, and although I think that the pineapple is disagreeing with me, it was so delicious!

2) I am so thankful for having more and more energy every day. I've let myself sleep in this past week and I feel so much better than I did last week when I was getting up at the same time as Mr. JB.

3) I am thankful that we finally got an Advent wreath. I usually get a fresh one, but we weren't around to order one from one of my church friends that sells them in November. I have some crafty ideas to add to it, but it looks great with the candles on our sideboard.

4) I am thankful that my father-in-law is giving us a Christmas tree this year. He planted three pine trees in his front yard, but they grew a little larger than he expected. He offered a tree to us and my fertile bf's family and Mr. JB is picking it up this weekend. It's a big savings at a time where we're a little stressed about money.

5) Speaking of money: I am so thankful for our financial planner. He is on the same Kni.ghts of Co.lumbus as Mr. JB and he's figured out a way for us to pay the surprisingly large extra bill we got from PPVI. It's an option that doesn't compromise our savings and we don't have to do any crazy belt tightening at the JellyBelly household. Thank you Jesus!

6) I am thankful that I am feeling better each passing day. I've been able to do a little bit more for myself which is so good for my pride!

7) I am so thankful that my appetite is back. I've lost quite a bit of weight since my surgery and if I get under a certain weight I start to get sick (I'm not the biggest person to begin with). I've been trying my best to eat healthy calories, but we got some dairy-free ice cream the other day and it's so tasty!

8) I am so thankful for my blogger friends. You girls have kept me company as I recover and I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself or feel lonely. God bless all of you!
________________________________

I was the lucky recipient of a Liebster Blog Award from I must have prayed for patience. Thank you for your nomination!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favourite bloggers.

Here are my winners (and I apologize if you've already received one!):

1. This Cross I Embrace

2. Sew Hormonal

3. All Things

4. Patiently Waiting....Kinda

5. IF Me

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

JellyBelly All Over the Place

2011-11-29T16:36:00.000-06:00

First off, part of me is thankful that my recovery is more difficult than I thought it would be. I thought that I would be bored, but the enforced rest and relaxation has been so good for me.

1) My local Napro doctor checked my incision yesterday and she is happy with how it's healing. I have been ordered to keep it uncovered during the day (which kinda grosses me out). I am so glad that I didn't have a reaction to the antibiotics! Having drug sensitivities is not a fun thing at all.

2) My brother-in-law left for the S.udan today. He is finishing up his Jesuit training and will be helping with refugees. I am beyond worried, but Mr. JB and his dad are not. He is going to be there until March. Please keep him in your prayers.

3) We had our first Christmas party this past weekend. Mr. JB's dad has been friends with a group from Toronto for over forty years. It was our family's turn to host and my BIL chose this past weekend because he knew he was going to be home. The party went really well and I didn't get over-tired. Mr. JB's best friend (how convenient that his bf is the son of one of his dad's closest friends!) also gave me an acupuncture treatment which helped with my pain level. I felt extra-special barren since we were the only couple our age that didn't have a young child. I really wanted to have a glass of wine, but I resisted temptation. Thank God for the gluten-free cupcakes that I ordered!

4) Speaking of pain level, I've noticed an improvement. I stopped taking the prescription pain meds over a week and a half ago and I've been on Ad.vil and Tyl.enol. Dr. Hilgers said that I could start spacing out the meds in order to wean myself off of them. I slept through my A.dvil alarm last night and when I woke up I wasn't too uncomfortable. I've also been able to do some things in the kitchen (I roasted some kale last night for a snack -- yum!).

5) My energy level has been so much better now that I'm not getting up throughout the night to take meds. I hope that by next week I will be able to sleep through the night without the alarm going off!

6) I got the results of my thyroid panel yesterday, just in time for my appointment with Dr. T. I do have a thyroid dysfunction (I just can't remember what it is and the lab results are way too far from the couch right now!). When my next cycle starts (um, AF where are you?) I have to measure my basal body temperature and pulses. When I finish doing that I have to send the paperwork off to Omaha. I knew that there was something wrong with my thyroid all along! I love being right!

7) Mr. JB's cousin's wife passed away last week. She was Aunt Fran's daughter-in-law and she had been fighting cancer for over ten years. Please keep the family in your prayers, they have experienced so much loss in the past few years.

8) We still don't have an Advent wreath! I'm thinking that I'm just going to break out the candles, wreath or not. Who would've thought that it would be so difficult. Then again, I don't feel ready to drive. If I was able to drive I would've had a wreath last week!

9) We got a larger than anticipated bill from PPVI. It was so large that I had a panic attack -- my first since university. Mr. JB is dealing with it, but we would definitely appreciate some prayers for mercy or for a considerable amount of cash to fall from the sky.

10) On a happy note. We went to see the Muppet Movie on Sunday afternoon. I love the Muppets so much. I remember being a little kid and watching the show after dinner with my dad. The movie made me so happy and it was exactly what I needed. If you haven't seen it, go!!!

Hope in the Doctor's Office

2011-11-23T14:19:00.000-06:00

In the past six plus years of IF, I have spent a lot of time at the doctor's office.

I would love to be able to erase my pre-Napro experiences where IVF and ill-timed drugs were pushed on me. I would also love to be able to say that all of my doctors have treated my infertility with respect, but I can't. More than once I was made to feel like I had some horrible disease and that my anti-ART stance was unfathomable.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive local Napro doctor who has helped me forget her predecessors.

I was instructed by Dr. Hilgers and his nurses to get my incision looked at since it just wasn't getting better. So my dad picked me up early this morning so we could get in line to see Dr. T for her walk-in hours. We were there forty-five minutes before the office opened and we weren't even first!

Dr. T was so happy to hear how wonderful my experience in Omaha was. I also told her that I would speak personally to any patients that were considering surgery in the US since I was treated so well. I went over what happened at both my procedures and she was more than impressed. She also said that she wishes that Dr. Hilgers worked up here since he is so great. I could tell that she holds him in the highest esteem!

Near the end of my visit with Dr. T I told her about my surgery rosaries. I pulled out my trusty i.Phone to show her and she was overcome.

Can you spot the pain pump button? I loved that thing!

Now I've said before that Dr. T has believed in my ability to conceive when I had given up. If it wasn't for her and Mr. JB I would've thrown in the towel a LONG time ago. At every appointment she encourages and supports us. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have even considered going for broke (literally and figuratively) and having surgery with Dr. Hilgers.

As she stood beside me looking at the images on my phone I could tell that she was moved. She turned to me and said, "This is going to work. I know it." And then she gave me a big hug.

We ended the appointment both in tears!

So the fifty percent that Dr. Hilgers quoted seems so much more hopeful. I guess I needed to hear Dr. T's reassurances which I didn't realize I needed so badly. She is so excited to be working closely with Dr. Hilgers. I have quite the team behind me!

Again I have to say, I feel at peace. Our journey has been long, but I know that the Lord has us exactly where we need to be.

So I will continue to nurse my yucky incision and take my antibiotics (yuck!). And when the anxiety creeps in I will remember to offer it up for my friends that are still waiting -- I was wide away at 2am and it took saying a rosary to put me to sleep.

And the next time I feel like my journey to motherhood is just a bit too long for my liking I am going to read this post, but I may need some reminding to check back here...

RIP Dishwasher

2011-11-22T10:56:00.001-06:00

At rate we are spending money in the JellyBelly household, I will never own my own K.elly bag.

I guess it's bound to happen. Our house is fourteen years old and with the exception of the refrigerator, so are the appliances. We tried to run the dishwasher Friday night and realized Saturday morning that nothing happened. We asked my dad, who can fix just about anything, and he had no insight (my parents have never owned a dishwasher and this is the first home I have lived in with one in it!).

So we called the very nice local repair guy. We had our dishwasher fixed a few years ago and were able to buy some time -- there was something wrong with the door and I MacGyvered a system with a kitchen chair and a book (I pride myself on being handy as well). The repair guy was here less than five minutes and he was able to give the diagnosis:

The motor is siezed. A replacement motor would cost $199 and the work would be $300.

My next questions was: "Do you have a dishwasher that you would recommend?"

So friends, recommendations anyone? We don't want to spend more than $500 and we're going with white (our real estate agent said that as long as everything matches, we don't need to go stainless. Praise Jesus, I didn't want to have to replace ALL my kitchen appliances!).

p.s. I missed my call from the nurses at PPVI yesterday and I was sitting beside the phone ALL DAY. She must've called when I picked up to see if my phone was working. Apparently our Lord is trying to teach me a little more patience....

A Little Break from Our Scheduled Programming...

2011-11-21T20:39:00.000-06:00

I found the perfect distraction today. I love to shop and I hope one day to be wealthy enough to own my own Ke.lly bag from He.rmes (or at least a framed picture of one for my closet!).

Check out one of my favourite fashion/photography bloggers, Gar.ance D.oré. She writes the most beautiful homage to the most gorgeous bag ever. And yes, I want mine in red as well.

A girl can dream, yes?

JellyBelly Loses Her Mind

2011-11-20T17:38:00.000-06:00

First off I apologize for not updating sooner. I am glad that we decided to push forward and drive straight home from Chicago. I stayed awake for most of the trip through the US and I fell asleep an hour away from our house. It was so wonderful to wake up in our driveway!

The only complication that I seem to be having is my second-look lap incision seems to be infected (sorry, TMI!). I'm sure two days of bouncing around in a car didn't help! I phoned the nurses at PPVI and Dr. Hilgers (I still can't get over how cool it is that he is one of my doctors!!) said to cover it with a pressure dressing for a few days. I have my first phone follow-up tomorrow so I'm sure there will be other instructions. I'm not too concerned since I am not feverish and the incision isn't swollen, but I know that what is happening isn't normal nonetheless.

Yesterday we went on our first outing since coming home. I wanted to go to mass at 5pm since I knew that the pressure of getting ready for our regular 10am Sunday mass would've been too stressful. It was so nice to just be a regular parishioner! Mr. JB and I are Ministers of Hospitality and I also work at the Religious Articles Store once a month, but we're always asked to work when we go to mass (which means, every Sunday we are serving in some way). I knew that there was no way that I would be physically able to do anything, so it was a good move to go to a different mass.

Mr. JB went to the Christmas sale this morning and word had gotten out that I had had surgery. He didn't have to volunteer too many details and so many people said that they were praying for me. I guess our IF is going to become big church news sooner, rather than later!

So friends, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I like to pride myself in being a toughie, but this recovery is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I have been better physically than I was after my last surgery, but it is still so frustrating that I have so little energy to do anything. I have a hard time sitting around and doing nothing!

I also started crying because I am so scared of being home alone. Mr. JB and I have been together pretty much 24/7 since October 29th and he is such a good nurse. I have been so blessed to have such an attentive husband! I have not had to lift a finger at all -- although I've wanted to! I put away some dishes yesterday and I was wiped out!

After my first laparotomy we were both home on summer vacation and I went back to work a couple of weeks later to get my classroom ready. I didn't have time to be sad or anxious! It's more difficult to have so much going on around me that I can't be a part of!

So, I'm asking you all for more prayers. Physical healing is one thing, but the psychological part is brutal!

Canada Here We Come!

2011-11-16T09:55:00.000-06:00

I apologize for not updating yesterday. I cannot believe how tiring it was to be a passenger that got to sleep most of the way (thankfully I was asleep since Iowa wasn't the most exciting state to drive through!). I am so grateful that Mr. JB didn't mind that I was comatose for most of the trip.

I'm also glad that I waited a day to post after my appointment with Dr. Hilgers. I was an emotional wreck after seeing him. I recognize now that I am over-tired, in pain and have been away from home for longer than I thought we would be, but that reality didn't hit me until yesterday.

Dr. Hilgers was late for our 1:30pm appointment which was first since arriving in Omaha -- waiting is normal in doctor's offices back home, but we waited for nothing at CUMC and PPVI. Apparently he had a really long surgery (probably someone that had a 6 1/2 whopper that I had!) so we didn't see him until almost 2:30pm. I'm sure that the Lord wanted to show us that our waiting was not over!

He went over the DVD of my second-look lap and Dr. Hilgers was almost giddy, which I take as a good sign. It was hard to watch the bloody parts since I am so squeamish. It was great to see how adhesion-free my insides were, particularly since the surgery pictures from the first time around were pretty gross! Dr. Hilgers was so happy that the dye flowed through each of my tubes and that everything looked good (to my untrained eye it didn't, but according to him it did!). The one thing that he mentioned more than once was that he probably should've removed the right ovary which was most likely damaged from my first laparatomy. The right tube is now open and he did say that it could still ovulate so I am very glad that he didn't remove it.

Seeing the DVD also helped me understand why I am in so much pain! It is amazing how much work he did inside of me. It is still unbelievable that I am now endo and adhesion free!

Dr. Hilgers also mentioned that I had some inflammation in my rectum (eewww!) that he is going to treat to antibiotics. At the end of our appointment he asked if we had any questions and I asked the biggest question of my life, "So what are our chances now?"

And he said, "Fifty percent."

My heart fell. I tried to keep the tears at bay because I didn't want to ugly cry in front of him. Logically, after having a day to digest the information I know that we had no chance before my surgeries with him -- Dr. Hilgers said as much. We have a 50% chance without any meds, which is miraculous enough in itself. Now that I am his patient, we have a much better chance at conceiving. I am not doubting my Napro doctor back home, but this is the big Kahuna!

Mr. JB has reminded me many times that this is a process and now we're starting off at the beginning. I need to reset my TTC clock back to zero, easy to write, but way harder to do after slogging it out for so long. Mr. JB also reminds me that I am healthy now. No more pain. Dr. Hilgers was very happy to hear that the nagging pelvic pain that I have suffered with since the pelvic abscess of 2009 is gone. I do have pain still, but it's healing pain.

I have to speak to the nurses at PPVI on Monday and I know I will have many more questions as the fog lifts from all the pain killers. I also have to call in four weeks for another update.

For now, I have to focus my energies on healing. The enormity of our trip is just hitting me now and I know that in my heart that we made the right decision to go for broke and see Dr. Hilgers.

No regrets. Absolutely none.

Now, the next task is to get changed and get out on the highway. I have never missed my house more!

Thank you for all your prayers and support!

Day Sixteen of the Big Infertile Adventure -- The Last Full Day in Omaha

2011-11-13T23:25:00.000-06:00

I am so ready to go home. I just wish that I wasn't going to take three days, two overnight stops and time in the car!

I have my pain under control and I am so grateful that the Fellow that was following my case with Dr. Hilgers was very generous when prescribing me pain medication. I definitely didn't have this much when I was discharged from the hospital after my first laparotomy! I had to survive on Ad.vil after the good stuff was finished!

When I woke up this morning I felt like I could've slept the entire day away. I am still getting up at all hours of the night to take the medication, which is a good thing since when I get behind my incision starts to hurt! Again, I am so relieved that I discovered the new incision last night. I was feeling so defeated and it was wonderful to have an explanation as to why I was in so much more pain! I was too chicken to remove the bandages and I decided to wait until my post-op appointment tomorrow and I'm going to ask the nurse to remove them for me. I am convinced that I am going to pass out or throw up if I do it myself! This is a job for a professional or my mom!

Yes, I am over-dramatic. At least I recognize it.

We attended mass at the Medical Centre today. I didn't have it in me to attend daily mass with the Jesuits on campus while we were here, so I wanted to make sure that we went to a mass that was being said by a familiar face. We arrived after mass started (although my watch said that it wasn't quite 11am, I guess the clocks are different at CUMC!) so we weren't able to ask if I could receive from the cup. The priest was able to give me a blessing after mass since there was no physical way I could make it down the stairs for communion. He was sympathetic since he has celiac disease. The cook made sure that we both had gluten-free foods to eat when we stayed with them and he was so sweet at meal times. He made sure that I had stuff to eat too!

Have I mentioned how well the Jesuit community took care of us? We were so spoiled!

After mass we met the priest that was in charge of taking care of us. The Rector who agreed to give us lodging was not available for our stay, so he asked a fellow Jesuit to help us out. Well, Fr. C took his job seriously! He gave us so many recommendations of where to eat, what to see and visit. He made sure that we had a detailed map of Omaha and he was fantastic company during our meals. It must be so hard to live a solitary life. We could tell that he appreciated our company and that he could help us out during a difficult time.

Fr. C also invited us back to stay in the Jesuit community, which is something we will definitely love to do. Although the trip is LONG, we would love to enjoy Omaha without the pressure of surgery and recovery!

After lunch we went to Wa.lmart to get some more Hu.sker gear for Mr. JB (have I mentioned how big of a fan he is? For his birthday his dad gave him some money to load up on Co.rnhusker merchandise while we were here and he totally took advantage! I may have gotten a few things too, good thing my favourite colour is red!). We also got some extra re-usable tote bags to help with our packing. Honestly our stuff multiplies when we are away! I have to figure out a better way to streamline our stuff. I totally over-packed since I forgot that my days in the hospital would not require clothes! I also didn't expect to be admitted for five nights, so I was totally off! I also can't wear quite a few things that I packed since my incisions are so different from the last time. I am so lucky that my yoga pants are comfortable and fitted enough to wear -- yet another reason why I don't mind spending so much on them!

We also snuck one last trip in to T.arget. I picked up a few Christmas presents for my fertile bf's kids. I can't resist shopping for those kids! I missed her daughter's birthday on Friday and I was really upset because she was getting her ears pierced. We had planned an outing to get her ears done, but obviously I couldn't be there. We spoke to her last night, but the connection was bad and I was so sad that I didn't want to keep her on the phone for long. I hope that she forgives me, we're very close and I'm one of her favourite adults.

So we're all packed (and Mr. JB just told me how scary I am when we're packing! Like I've mentioned before, I am very particular and he is very disorganized!). Not the best combination. I can picture how all of our stuff is going to fit in our car, but he likes to just throw stuff in and hope for the best. When we opened the hatch of his car this afternoon some stuff fell out, stuff that should've been packed in a suitcase or a bag. It is so frustrating to not be able to do the lifting and organizing myself because I know that it would make our two overnight stops so much easier. It also doesn't help that I'm so foggy from the pain meds.

I am so happy that everything went so well in Omaha. I was a bit worried when we had to move from the university to the hotel, but things have so fantastic! I even took a picture of my newly made bed this afternoon so I can look at it when I feel stressed. I worked in linens in a big department store while I was in university so I have a real appreciation for fancy bedding. I am even tempted to buy one of the pillows, but I have to control myself!

I am trying to be as calm as possible for our post-operative review with Dr. Hilgers. I am excited and afraid to hear what he says. I have been offering up all of my anxiety, but it still isn't helping my nerves (which is probably why I was so scary while packing! I don't deal with stress well!).

We're leaving for our friends' house in Chicago right after our appointment and we've already planned to make our first visit to Q.doba in Des Moines (Sew Hormonal's fault!). We'll be just in time for a late lunch/early dinner. We've also picked out a couple of places to stay close to Detroit for our second stop. We had an extremely long wait at the border on our way to Omaha, so breaking up the ten hour trip into two days may be better for my comfort.

I will update about our appointment as soon as I can. I don't know if I'll have the energy when we arrive in Chicago tomorrow night. Please pray for a safe, smooth journey. Poor Mr. JB has to do all the driving since I'm not allowed to on the meds!

Again, I am so grateful for all of your support! I feel like I have an army of prayerful warriors surrounding me! God bless you all!

Day Fifteen of the Big Infertile Adventure -- Where JB Starts to Lose Her Mind -- UPDATED

2011-11-12T14:10:00.002-06:00

I am officially done with being in pain.

Done.

Like dinner.

My second-look lap went well (as Mr. JB reported yesterday) and we were back at our awesome hotel by 1pm. I have never been so grateful for the ultra-comfy beds!

The biggest reason for my frustration was that I felt great when I woke up yesterday morning. I did have some pain, but it was totally bearable and I didn't need any help getting ready.

[sigh]

I know that this is a temporary setback and that this is all part of the healing process. Also, I didn't eat enough yesterday so I had a horrible headache and my blood sugar was all over the place. I was really careful to eat breakfast and snack today since the painkillers did nothing for my head.

I think that I'm also worried that Dr. Hilgers is going to have bad news, although he was very positive when he spoke to Mr. JB after both my surgeries. As I've blogged before, this is it. My last surgeries. Ever. The last thing that we are going to do to have biological children. Part of me wishes that Dr. Hilgers will say that we can't have kids so we can move on, but another part of me is scared to hear anything he has to say.

I've tried my best to keep positive, but being the social being that I am, it's hard to be holed up in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. There is only so much television a girl can watch! Mr. JB tried to cheer me up by watching the M.uppet S.how DVD that he got me for Christmas. Even that didn't get me to laugh.

I know that this is a passing phase and that we are both very homesick right now (although we are in love with the beds!). Once we're home I know that my spirits will be better since I will have people visiting me.

This dying to self business is tough stuff!

----------------------------------------
Update: I spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't until I took a shower at 7pm (yes, I am a sloth) that I realized why my belly was in so much pain. I have two new incisions, not one! When Dr. Hilgers removed the Gore.tex yesterday he made another incision below my belly button as well as the incision inside. That explains why my stomach hurts, it isn't just gas pain! I don't know why that makes me feel better, but knowing that there is a physical cause is a comfort.

I chewed gum (and blew bubbles), had some fizzy water, ate beans and walked around our hotel room many times. The gas pain has abated, but the belly pain is still there. I am so glad that the hospital sent me home with an ice pack!

Also, the bandage covering my belly button is in the shape of a flower and the incision below is a heart. I think that the Fellow working with Dr. H has a sweet sense of humour!

Post Second Look Lap -- November 11

2011-11-11T13:16:00.001-06:00

This morning's procedure went fine. Just before 11, I was in Recovery and by 12:45 we were back in the room at the hotel. The Doc and I spoke for a few minutes and he was quite pleased. The go.re-te.x was very effective in its job and was removed. Dye was put through both tubes, they are working well. It took longer on the left but it ended up flooding out. The right ovary is working very well but the left one is not. The Doc referred to it as a 'little nub' but chose not to remove it.

My totally non-professional eye saw a major difference in today's pictures. You could see where the dye was and how it was working. You could also see the g.ore-te.x and the way it was used.

There was a lot of pain meds in the Recovery Room. JB immediately got up to pee.

JB is resting. She's dopey from Ty.lenol C..odeine and her mouth "feels like a desert".

Please help us with some prayers.

Bye for now,

Mr. JB

The Conclusion of Day Thirteen & Second-Look Lap Eve

2011-11-10T20:32:00.000-06:00

We had the busiest day! It took a while to get going, but I finally got out to see the beautiful city of Omaha.

We started at Wal.greens to exchange something that Mr. JB bought in error (he bought me some Ceta.phil lotion, not cleanser, my travel bottle got left behind at the hospital, oops!). Then we visited Boys.town which is an organization dedicated to the housing and education of at-risk children, founded by Father Ed.ward J. Flan.agan. I stayed in the car, but Mr. JB took lots of photos to show me. I wanted to save my energy for the zoo!

Next we visited Glor.ia D.eo an amazing Catholic bookstore that Hebrews 11:1 recommended. I wanted to buy the entire store! Instead I got a cute plaque for my teacher partner to thank her for all of her help, Un.planned (which I have had hard time finding back home), a Christmas ornament and some other little things. It was exactly what I needed for a my first big shopping trip (the one to T.arget doesn't count since I didn't get anything!).

After the bookstore I was famished so we crossed the street to go to Chi.potle. It was the most I have eaten in LONG time! It was so tasty! We tried to find a second hand bookstore, but I was hitting a wall so we decided to to straight to the zoo.

I don't generally like zoos since I always think that the animals look so sad (and some did, especially the polar bear!), but I'm glad that we went. Mr. JB got me a wheelchair (that we weren't charged for!) so he got a work out and I got to see lots. We had just under two hours to visit, but it was the perfect amount of time since a lot of closed due to renovation. We really like the bobcats and I didn't like the snakes or bugs.

As we were leaving the zoo the nice ladies at the visitor centre helped wheel me out to the car. I explained that I wasn't an invalid and that I just had surgery. When she heard that she insisted wheeling me out!

I still had some energy so we decided to go to T.arget to look for a book for Mr. JB for the wait tomorrow. I picked up some more larger comfy clothes on clearance and a cute dress for the holidays. We walked through the mall to the Barn.es and No.ble and Mr. JB found a couple of things for himself.

While in the store I discovered that one of my favourite US shoe stores, D.SW wasn't far away so we went to that mall! We found a C.ornhusker store so Mr. JB got to spend his birthday money and he got a few things for himself and I got to go through the shoe store. I didn't anything, but it was so much fun to look!

Before we left the mall I went through the ladies' section of J.C Penn.ey and I got a cute sweater.

I'm pooped!

I'm going to have a little soup and then I have to start prepping for my second-look lap in the morning. I have tried to keep the anxiety at bay, but it has crept up more than once (one of the reasons why I kept pushing for things to do today!). Tomorrow is it, the last procedure, the day that Dr. H does his last diagnostic work on my insides. Please pray for an open right tube and good healing as he removes the Gore.tex.

I have to be at the hospital at 5:45am and my procedure is at 7:15am. I hope that I can update in the afternoon, if not, Mr. JB will. He's become quite the blogger!

St. Gerard, pray for us! St. Gianna, pray for us! St. Rita, pray for us!

Days Twelve & Thirteen of the Big Infertile Adventure -- Surrendering to the Tireds

2011-11-10T09:54:00.001-06:00

The title says it all.

My body has spoken: JellyBelly needs rest! The evening of the eleventh day of our adventure we went to T.arget and I thought I was going to die! Two outings in one day were way too much!

Yesterday we had to pull up stakes and move to a hotel. We were only supposed to be in Omaha until the 8th, but with my second-look lap and follow up with Dr. H we had to extend our stay until the 14th. Mr. JB's brother found us a hotel with a kitchenette not too far away from the hospital and he paid for it all with his A.ir M.iles!

I spent most of yesterday watching Mr. JB pack up our room, which was so hard since I am such a control freak and I am a very good packer. I am always the one that packs up the car when we go away because Mr. JB is not the most organized (or as good of a packer). I cried more than once in frustration while I watched Mr. JB go back and forth to the car.

When we finally got to our new room I almost cried for joy. We have two queen-sized beds with the most comfortable pillows and duvets! I sent Mr. JB for more pillows at Wa.lmart before I was discharged from the hospital so I could be more comfortable when we were staying with the Jesuits (there was one pillow per bed and a little cushion). When I woke up this morning I felt so rested, even though we had woken up multiple times to take my pain meds.

It is so great to have our own little kitchenette (with a full-sized fridge), stove top, microwave, toaster and everything else we need to cook a meal! Mr. JB was able to get some breakfast this morning in the lobby, although there was nothing JB-friendly (not a shock!). It also helps that we have a flat screen TV that swivels so we can watch it anywhere in the room! Lastly, the bathroom is amazing. There's a rain shower shower head and the most beautiful vanity. We've stayed in many hotels all over the world, but this is our favourite! I could move in!

We're going to try to tackle the zoo today. More than one person has said that we have to go. I'm going to take photos so I can share with my class when I teach the animal unit near the end of the year. We're going to rent a wheelchair so I don't have to over-exert myself.

In my post-surgery haze I totally forgot to blog about meeting Hebrews! I was so excited that I made sure that I showered before she got to the hospital (which wasn't the easiest feat four days post-op!). Our visit went by too fast! I felt like I had known her forever and she is exactly how I pictured her! I am so grateful for all of her support since we've been in Omaha. She has been so great at giving advice and encouraging me, particularly when I'm having a bad day. Thank you so much Hebrews! You rock!

It amazes me how many people have been willing to help us. The Jesuits were so generous with housing us for eleven days. They even fed us every day, even though I could barely eat most days. One of the cooks even packed me dinner one night because I didn't have the energy to go to the dining hall. Brenda and Mrs. Henderson gave me the most amazing care packages -- there was everything a post-op girl could ask for!

We have been surrounded by blessings on our journey. I have no doubt that the Lord wants us to be where we are. God is so good!

I hope to get back to blog so I can tell you all about the zoo!

Day Eleven of the Big Infertile Adventure

2011-11-08T10:55:00.002-06:00

The frustration of recovering from surgery, particularly away from home and all things familiar, hit yesterday.

I dropped something on the floor and I had a meltdown.

I admit that I am a very prideful person. I don't like being helped and I especially resent not being able to do things, like pick something off the floor, myself. I am also married to a person that is used to having a wife that is very independent. He is a wonderful nurse, but he is at a different speed that I am on, if you know what I mean.

I so wanted to go out yesterday, even if it was just to Wa.lmart to pick up some stuff (i.e. bigger pants and pj's!), but the gas pain was so bad that I couldn't leave our room. I am starting to understand what dying to self means!

This morning after breakfast we took a very long walk to the Cre.ighton bookstore to get some souvenirs. Along our walk I had to remind Mr. JB to slow down and I got frustrated again. My incision was really hurting and I think that I bit more off than I could chew. As soon as we got back to our room I crashed.

I intend to go out later today since I am getting cabin fever, but we'll see. We're changing rooms tomorrow since our stay has been extended so I have to conserve my energy!

Thanks again for all your prayers! I've been praying for all of you!

Day Ten of the Big Infertile Adventure -- Surgery From My Point of View

2011-11-07T12:07:00.001-06:00

I sent this e-mail to some girlfriends back home. I think that I got all of the details down and I have too much gas pain to stay seated for too long to compose something new!

----------------------------------------

It was such a different experience being in a US hospital compared to my experience back home. The nurses come right away when you buzz for them and there is so much more one-on-one attention. We even did a survey rating our experience at the hospital, something that I couldn't even imagine back home!

My surgery went very well on Tuesday. I am so thankful for anesthesia since I was under for six and a half hours! The doctors did a very thorough job and the surgeon is very happy with the results. They applied Gor.etex (yes, the stuff they make jackets out of!) to my insides to prevent scar tissue so I have another quick laparoscopic surgery (through my belly button) this Friday to remove it.

I was in recovery for quite a long time 'cos they couldn't manage my pain levels. I think I shocked them since I needed A LOT of pain meds to stabilize. The night of the operation was tough. I had an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics and I felt horrible on top of the pain. The doctors were concerned about my blood volume since I lost quite a bit during my surgery, so I had a transfusion.

Not fun!

Lucky for me the next couple of days were so much better. I had to pass gas in order to get oral pain meds (and eat and drink!), so I tried every trick and yoga pose on Thursday to get it to happen. Unfortunately, it wasn't until Friday at 6pm that it happened. I've never prayed to toot in my entire life!

I was told that I would be discharged once I was taking oral pain meds, but my pain was unbearable on Saturday. My doctor tried so many combinations of pain meds and finally at about 9pm I was comfortable. I have FOUR different pills I have to take at different times so I have my i.Phone programmed to remind me!

It has been so great to be out of the hospital! I spent the afternoon catching up on the shows I missed while I was out of it. Unfortunately I can't watch last week's Glee episode 'cos Fox.com has it locked until Wednesday.

Mr. JB has been a good nurse too. I sent him to Walm.art to get me bigger undies since my incision is a little bigger than I thought it was going to be and my regular undies are a little uncomfortable. He called me three times from the store 'cos he was so confused! Poor buddy.

-----------------------------
So Dr. H was very happy with the results of my surgery. The endo was so minimal that he couldn't even stage it. He was very happy with the surgeon that did my surgeries back home, something that he doesn't always encounter with the work that he does.

My adhesions, however, were extensive. The pelvic abscess caused a lot of damage and looking at the pictures that we were given, it was a mess inside of me. My left tube was clear, but my right tube was hydosalpinx (sp?) and he had to insert a stent in order to drain it. On Friday he is going to do another selective HSG to see if both tubes are clear. Dr. H thinks that the surgeon back home may have done damage to my right tube, but there's no telling if that is the case.

There were no fibroids and I don't believe that there were any cysts.

My first laparotomy incision had to be lengthened because it was really hard to get to the adhesions in my posterior cul de sac. It's the reason why I felt so much pain when I was urinating after surgery.

We see Dr. H on November 14th to review my surgeries and then we can go home. Poor Mr. JB had to call PPVI to ask for a letter extending his leave. He only had two weeks off and this third week is proving to be a challenge. He's afraid that they're going to dock his pay which is something that we can't afford to do with the added cost of my second-look lap.

Don't worry, I'm offering up all of my pain and worry! I need to be productive with my prayers!

I'M FREE!!!

2011-11-06T11:59:00.001-06:00

Hello all! I am finally free of the hospital!

I will blog more as I settle in. I'm trying to stay mobile because I am having a lot of gas pain. Please pray that my bowels wake up because the gas is killing me!

Thanks for your prayers! God bless you all!

Post Surgery Day 5

2011-11-05T20:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all your prayers. Unfortunately, JB is spending another night in the hospital. As I wrote earlier, the adjustment from IV to oral painkillers did not go well. JB was in great pain all day. The shower was put off a number of times, as were the walks. The decision was JB's to make.

The combination of painkillers is not even holding things steady. The walks were more difficult today than the walks on Wednesday (Post Op 1).

Keep praying please.

Have a good evening,

Mr. JB

Prayers

2011-11-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

JB is having a very difficult time shifting from IV to oral painkillers. All prayers are welcome!

Thanks,

Mr. JB

Post Surgery Day 4

2011-11-04T20:59:00.001-05:00

The big event that was hoped for today did in fact occur. Around 6 pm, JB passed gas. The dinner that followed consisted of gluten-free chicken broth, herbal tea and a grape popsicle.

The roughest part of today was that JB was suffering pelvic pain. She had to deal with an incredibly uncomfortable internal exam. A stitch near the bladder was causing the difficulty.

It was an eventful day. In addition to long walks and a shower, we had company. Hebrews11:1 visited and brought awesome gifts for JB. A Padre who is a good friend of my brother also visited. To keep things interesting, JB's mom called and asked, "Does it hurt?"

I should have wrote this sooner, the doctors, nurses and support staff here are amazing.

Good night all,

Mr. JB

Surgery Update

2011-11-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

JB had an excellent day. JB did a lot of walking and sat up for long stretches of time. Unfortunately, gas has not been passed. Yoga was performed in an attempt to help but it did not work. The Doc this morning believed it would happen tomorrow and we are hoping that it does. JB wants to have some liquids and start eating.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

Good night all,

Mr. JB

Surgery Day 2

2011-11-02T20:55:00.001-05:00

After a rough night, today went very well. JB walked six times and went to washroom each time. She slept a couple times and sat up frequently.

Last evening, JB had a reaction to the antibiotics and they had to be switched. That left a lot of itching and scratching. While her blood level never got low enough to be concerned, she was given a transfusion. That helped settle things in the night as did a change in painkillers.

As I said, things went well today. The doctors are pleased with everything. After their visits, ice chips, walking and napping were the order of the day. Sleep appears to be arriving.

Bye for now,

Mr. JB

JellyBelly Surgery Update

2011-11-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

The surgery was very long and according to Dr. H, it went very well. More endo was removed, both tubes are clear though the one on the right is not in great shape. Adhesions were removed as well.

I have to scoot now!

Mr. JB

Day Three of the Big Infertile Adventure -- Surgery Eve

2011-10-31T20:58:00.000-05:00

What a day!

IF is truly a full time job -- a job where I have to pay, not the other way around, but enough about that!

Our first appointment was at the Creighton University Medical Centre. We were told that everyone was really friendly here and we were proven the fact again and again. We were having a hard time navigating the hospital and someone took us to where we had to go! Also, we had no waiting at all -- something that is unheard of up in Canada!

The nurse at CUMC explained the procedure and the risks and someone came in to take blood. I also have to do a full wipe down with antiseptic wipes in a little while. Apparently it cuts down on post-operative infections -- I definitely don't want a repeat of the pelvic abscess I had in 2009!

After my first appointment we had some time before my ultrasound so Mr. JB and I went to W.hole F.oods for lunch. Although it was quite pricey, we both ate so well! We also got provisions for when I am recuperating. We don't have kitchen access at the residence where we are staying so we got soups in tetra packs (I miss having my own kitchen!).

After lunch we headed to PPVI. It was like visiting infertile Dis.neyland! We arrived early since I thought my ultrasound was at 12:30. My bladder was full to bursting so I went to the bathroom and then re-filled. I was so uncomfortable that there was no way that I could hold it for 45 minutes! The ultrasonographer was super nice -- not as nice as having my own personal ultrasonographer, but nice nonetheless. There is such a difference between Napro ultrasonographers and "conventional" ones!

My ultrasound was done at about 1pm and my appointment with Dr. Hilgers wasn't until 2:30pm so we decided to go for an adventure. Mr. JB and I visited the St. Cecilia Cathedral. It was nice to have a peaceful break in such a busy day.

Meeting with Dr. Hilgers was so great! He was so thorough and knowledgeable and we were both so impressed with him. Mr. JB and I haved dealt with a lot of doctors and he had a quiet confidence that comforted us both. He reviewed my file and said that there is a strong possibility that my surgery is going to be a laparotomy (not a shock). Also, I may have to be in the hospital longer than we were told originally depending on how much they have to do. Please pray that I don't have to have a bowel resection OR that Go.retex has to be applied to keep adhesions at bay. I had a bit of a panic attack since I know that if they have to use Gor.etex that I will have to have another lap to remove it -- which means more anaethetic AND more money.

After my appointment I was feeling very overwhelmed, but I had a date to meet my Summer Prayer Buddy, Mrs. Henderson! We met at the famous Jon.es Bro.s C.upcakes and we had the best visit! I felt like a spoiled brat 'cos she left both Mr. JB and I presents at PPVI -- we have everything we could possibly need while I'm in the hospital. What a blessing to have someone so supportive while we are so far away from home. She's been in Omaha for almost a month and she is flying home tomorrow -- please keep her in your prayers, particularly since she is traveling alone.

It always amazes me how easy it is to make a connection with a fellow Catholic IF blogger. The conversation is always so easy and the time goes by so quickly. If we didn't have to be back at the university for dinner we could've talked for hours!

So I have to continue with my pre-op prep. Mr. JB is going to help disinfect me and then I get to administer the dreaded enema. I have to be at the hospital at 5:45am and my surgery is at 7:15am. I know that it isn't a coincidence that tomorrow is All Saints Day -- we have had many saints intercede on our behalf.

Mr. JB is going to update as soon as he knows what is going on since I will be in no condition to do so myself.

Keep those prayers coming!!!

Days One & Two of the Big Infertile Adventure (Part II)

2011-10-30T23:39:00.000-05:00

We have arrived safely in Omaha.

Praise Jesus!

The last hour of our drive was brutal and despite being generally a good-natured person who is married to an even more good-natured person, we were at our wits' end! Driving in flat farmland for eight hours was not our idea of fun!

Last night we stayed with Mr. JB's buddy just outside of Chicago. We were so touched that they offered us their guest room because they have an autistic son who really needs a strict routine. They were wonderful hosts and they even found me a gluten-free pizza. It was tasty, but the deep dish pizza that everyone else had smelled so incredible. I was more than a little bit jealous!

This morning we all went to mass at our friends' parish, coincidentally called St. Jude. He has been quite busy for me since I was in NJ! Mass was beautiful and we were so impressed by their choir. Not only was it a very talented and large choir, but they also had a horn and bell section! Wow!

After going out for breakfast -- which is never a fun meal with all of my allergies! -- we headed back out on the road. I didn't drive at all yesterday because I had a horrible headache that wouldn't go away. I'm blaming it on my crazy blood sugar and stress. I was very careful today and I made sure that I ate low GI all day. We stocked up on apples and baby carrots this morning so I wasn't tempted to gorge on non-JB friendly snacks.

While I drove today I spotted an outlet mall in the middle of nowhere in Iowa and I snuck in the quickest shopping trip ever! Mr. JB was impressed that I did the entire mall in 40 minutes. I was determined to see all the stores that I wanted to see and I was successful. I figure I won't be in any shape to visit on our way back home, so I had to take advantage. Lucky for my wallet I only found one cute top at J. C.rew and there was it. Mr. JB was worried when I went into Ba.nana Re.public since I have been known to spent quite a bit of money every time I visit an outlet. He said that he saw the glazed-over shopping excitement look that I get, but then I snapped out of it.

We were going to stop in Des Moines for dinner, but we had snacked enough in the car and we wanted to push onward to Omaha. By the time we arrived here we were starving, but we knew that had to hurry since we were meeting one of my BIL's Jesuit friends who was going to show us to where we were staying.

We quickly unpacked our car and we got back on the road to find food. We tried to use our GPS' recommendations, but everything we chose wasn't in existence (guess it's time to update my GPS software!). We were lucky to find a sign for the Old Market district and we found a great taco place. We are definitely going to be back!

So tomorrow morning I have my pre-op appointment at the hospital, then we head to PPVI for an ultrasound and my pre-op physical exam. I can't wait to meet Dr. Hilgers!

Thank you all so much for your prayers during our trip. We encountered rain just a few times, but the majority of the trip was dry and clear. I told the Jesuit that met us tonight that we had angels watching over us on our journey, and I definitely felt all of you rooting for us!

The Eve of the Big Infertile Adventure, Part Two

2011-10-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

Our bags are packed. My travel outfit is laid out (yes, I am one of those people!).

The last thing I have to do is attend my last yoga class until December in the morning and then we're off.

It seems like we have been gearing up for this moment for six years.

And I am spent.

We are so blessed to be staying with friends just outside of Chicago and then Sunday morning after mass we are heading to Omaha.

Please pray for a safe journey and I am offering up all of my anxiety for those of you who are still waiting, with one particular barren wife in mind.

Retail Therapy

2011-10-26T17:32:00.000-05:00

Earlier on in my IF journey I used shopping to placate my sadness. Lucky for me (and our bank account!) I discovered an amazing yoga studio and blogging, both of which are much better distractions -- although my love of a particular Canadian brand of yoga clothes has also made quite the dent in my wallet!

After school today I had to get more pencils since my evil class seems to be eating them for their snack, and right beside the St.aples is a really good W.inners (for my friends outside of Canada, it's like TJ Maxx or Marshalls). I spent a good 45 minutes browsing and forgetting about my impending surgery.

And it was wonderful.

I got some gluten-free pretzels, a really cute magnetized notepad for groceries, tasty almonds and two sweaters (I'm returning one since Mr. JB said that it did not look good at all! I thought I could rock faux fur, but I guess not!).

I know that after November 1st it will be a long time before I can walk around leisurely anywhere. My recovery from my first laparotomy was not fun and I did resent not having the freedom of movement that I did pre-surgery. I know that this is all for the greater good and that the Lord has lead us to Dr. Hilgers -- we have had numerous signs showing us we are doing the right thing, despite all of the blood work glitches!

And for those of you that are so inclined, C.oldplay had a concert streaming on You.Tube today http://www.youtube.com/coldplayvevo. If you haven't noticed I may be a bit of a fan.

A Post Where JellyBelly Tries to Find the Positive In Every Situation

2011-10-24T18:35:00.003-05:00

I have never been so glad to have AF arrive! The only other time in the past six years of IF that I was this excited was when she returned after the horrible months on L.upron. I think that I jumped up and down when she arrived that day because I feared that she was never coming back!

My body barely made it to Peak +7 today, but I got to the lab early enough that AF wasn't at her full force. Sorry for the TMI, but this is an infertility blog, and now I don't have to worry about any more blood draws! Yay!

I have decided that I am not going to complain since this morning's blood draw wasn't too bad and I also decided that until my surgery I am going to focus on the good things, regardless of how difficult it will be.

I left my house at the ridiculous hour of 6am so I could get to the lab SUPER early. When I finally got there I was the sixth person in line and it wasn't even 6:30am! The biggest worry for me this morning was explaining to the woman at the desk that the blood had to be shipped. The tech that actually took my blood didn't seemed too concerned that I didn't have a Canadian requisition, although I did tell her that my Napro doctor would be faxing one later on in the day.

Everything seemed to work out since I got a call from the lab verifying that I wouldn't be returning for my Peak +9 blood and that they could ship the blood that they had. I'm thinking that the lab in Omaha is going to get the most important blood -- the Peak +7 vials -- since that is when they test for thyroid function as well as all the other hormones.

The best thing about getting to the lab so early was being done early too! I was at my school by 7:30am and I was able to get a whole bunch of stuff done. I don't know why I was so worried about being late for school!

There was a glitch with the blood I had taken in NJ, but I'm not going to complain about it here. Let's just say that I am very grateful that TCIE is my friend and that she has my back -- I owe you one (or maybe a few) jars of pickles!

So I think that I've jumped the last hurdle before my surgery. All of my pre-op testing that I had to do before Omaha is done and we've figured out how to get payment to the hospital when we get there (thank God for being able to increase credit limits!). I need to get through the next four days of teaching and planning and then I can focus on our journey and my surgery.

I feel like I've been running the LONGEST race of my life. I think that I may cry tears of relief when I'm finally on the operating table!

p.s. The new Col.dplay CD came out today! Mr. JB got it for me after school and I was like a giddy schoolgirl all day! I've been listening to this song over and over again since it came out:

Road Blocks, Part II

2011-10-22T19:57:00.001-05:00

The saga with the lab didn't end on Thursday.

I was very happy that the lab was open on Saturday, so Mr. JB and I got up bright and early since I wanted to be there before it opened. I arrived at 7:55am (they open officially at 8am) and I was number 29 in line! I have no idea what time the people at the front of the line got there!

When it was finally my turn I was very happy to see the lab technician that took my blood on day 5. She was very thorough and she was so great to deal with. She remembered me since not many people ship blood to Omaha from my city!

The biggest snag was that I didn't have a Canadian requisition. All I had was Dr. Hilgers' very detailed paperwork. The tech explained that I had to have a requisition attached to a Canadian doctor so that my provincial health care has someone to bill to (which makes no sense since my local Napro doctor has nothing to do with my tests in Omaha). I was so lucky that she took pity on me and she pulled up Dr. T's information and filled out a requisition that she's going to fax to her office for her signature.

I asked if I could got to a walk-in clinic to get another to fill in a lab requisition, but the tech said that it had to be from my doctor.

Lucky for me that Dr. Nora works fairly closely with Dr. T, so I had the idea to e-mail her to give Dr. T the heads-up that I was going to be asking for a couple of requisitions (my Napro doctor's office isn't always the most organized or friendly place). Dr. Nora went far above the call of duty and she called Dr. T's clinic AND faxed her my request.

The tech did assure me that she would draw my blood on Monday morning because I promised her that Dr. T would fax the requisitions to her. It would be such a shame if my blood work didn't get completed because of some stupid paperwork.

Why does it seem like things are getting more complicated as my surgery date approaches? I can't wait until we are in the car and on our way!

JellyBelly - HCG = :( -- Updated

2011-10-21T18:45:00.003-05:00

I was driving home today and I was wondering why I felt like crying.

My day wasn't particularly bad. The kids weren't any crazier than usual. In fact I actually figured out that if I ignored the misbehaving kids and praised the ones that were behaving that they would understand what I wanted.

Then it hit me. No HCG. I couldn't take it for this cycle since Dr. Hilgers needed to see what my hormones looked like without medicine.

So I'm not losing my mind, I just feel like I am.

All of the strange weeping I've been doing has a clear explanation -- honestly every time one of my students did something good this week I've had to wipe tears out of my eyes (then again, perhaps I was crying tears of joy!).

Oh HCG, I miss you so much. I thought that PMS and crashing hormones were a distant memory, but I was wrong.

I hope that my break from HCG is very temporary because I can't take feeling like this!

Yet another reason why I want my surgery to happen!

-----------------------------
Update: All the stress from yesterday may have been for naught -- I've started spotting, albeit very lightly. I'm surprised since it is only CD23 and P+4. I guess I REALLY need HCG...

Road Blocks

2011-10-20T20:32:00.001-05:00

It was not a fun afternoon in the land of JellyBelly.

I hustled out of school to get to the lab for my Peak +3 blood work -- quite the feat since the dismissal bell rings at 3:15pm and the lab closed at 4pm. There were more than a few surprised teachers when they saw me leaving right after school (although there are quite a few that leave early as well, I get trapped in my classroom until at least 4:30pm).

I drove like a maniac to the lab which was only about 7 minutes away. I was lucky to find parking in the garage not too far away and then I booted it to the lab.

Guess what greeted me when I arrived?

"Please be advised that this location has new hours: 7am to 3pm."

I almost broke down and cried.

Instead of having a breakdown in the lobby I took out my phone and called the customer service number. I was told that there was another lab in my city that closed at 4pm, but it was already 3:40pm and the drive was at least 20 minutes away. There was no way I could make it.

So no Peak +3 blood work for me.

I tried to contain myself until I got in the car (and I had to pay $3 for parking for less than 10 minutes!) and I broke down when I got Mr. JB on the phone. I decided to drive towards my house since I didn't know where else to go. Mr. JB convinced me to pull over since I was crying so hard and it wasn't safe for me to be on the road.

Not my finest moment.

We decided that I call PPVI to see what they thought, but the nurses were all busy and it was almost the end of their work day. Then I got the bright idea of going back to my school to talk to the secretary. I really needed a mom at that moment and she pulled through.

Now, I'm not a needy person. Quite the contrary, I really don't like being taken care of at all. But as soon as I saw D, the secretary, I broke down and started to cry. She was incredibly patient and heard me out and said that we would find a solution. My biggest worry was that I would have to take even more time off to have the blood tests taken -- my principal is a stickler for rules and he doesn't like to let us leave early for insurance reasons (or at least that's what he says).

So my school secretary suggested that I do the blood work in the morning. If I switched my planning time to first thing (mine is currently second period) I would have a bit of a cushion just in case the lab was running late. D thinks that my principal will also like the slant that I would be "saving the school money" by not taking the afternoon off to have my tests done. Also, coming in a bit late is better than leaving an hour early.

I think that I could've figured out that solution on my own, but I was so wound up that I couldn't think straight. Mr. JB also reminded me that having a crazy class doesn't help with stress levels and that we're pretty much down to the wire before my surgery. I only have six full teaching days until I go on my leave!

I was lamenting to Mr. JB that it seems like there have been so many road blocks in our lives. I know that this one wasn't huge, but at about 3:45pm this afternoon it seemed insurmountable. There are so many times that I feel like the Lord is mocking us, or at least testing us to see what we're made of. I try so hard to be positive, but this afternoon was truly a test for me.

Again, I can't wait to be in Omaha. All of this preparation for surgery is going to make a laparotomy seem like a party! A party that involves surgery and pain killers, but a party nonetheless.

Catch Up

2011-10-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been a whirling dervish since getting home on Monday. I knew that as soon as I walked into my school on Tuesday morning that I would have to hit the ground running, but I didn't realize how overwhelmed I would feel.

I don't deal well with being stressed and I work very hard at keeping my stress levels at bay, but it doesn't seem like the universe wants to cooperate right now.

First off, my class is nuts. It was pouring rain today so the kids had to stay in for recess. At lunch I popped in quickly (I have to on a regular basis because my class is so crazy) and I caught a kid standing on a desk. WTF??? What goes through the heads of these kids? They were so happy to see me, unfortunately their behaviour didn't get any better while I was away.

Secondly, I have been playing phone tag with someone at PPVI. I have tried to pre-register for my surgery for three weeks. Every time I call the person isn't there and then they do not return voice mail. In desperation I left my work number, but who knows if I will get the call transferred to my classroom or if they will call back. I hope that I get to talk to the person I need to talk to before we leave for Omaha!

Thirdly, I paid my first installment for my surgery and I got the lowdown on the lab charges that I will have to pay. I am so grateful that we are staying with the Jesuits in Omaha (for free!) since the $2100 price tag on the lab charges took me aback. Seems as though we have to dip into more savings.

Fourthly, my wonderful husband waited until today to find out about how we are going to take $11 000 to Omaha. It was the one thing that he had to do while I was with TCIE and he didn't do it. Although my husband is really helpful, sometimes he needs A LOT of prodding to accomplish tasks. It also bothers me that I just want to take over and do it for him, but I didn't and I didn't throw anything at his head. He was very lucky that the bank was helpful and I didn't have to get involved -- it would've gotten ugly if I had to talk to bank.

Fifthly (is that a word?), we were supposed to get together with friends for dinner on Saturday. We made plans in August and now all of a sudden no one but us can go because of their kids. One of them (who knows about our IF) said this in his e-mail:

I was also going to send out a heads up email that we may have to back out, too... But we won't know til later in the week. The restaurant looks fabulous! We'd really like to... But kids... Sigh.

Um no, I have no idea because I AM FREAKING BARREN! AND I PLANNED THIS DINNER IN AUGUST BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I WOULDN'T BE IN ANY CONDITION TO GO OUT FOR WEEKS AFTER MY LAPAROTOMY THAT IS GOING TO COST US $20 000!

I so wish that I could've sent that as a reply, but I didn't. Instead I had a tasty dinner and a nice glass of white wine after my yoga class.

Lastly, a teacher that took one of the workshops that I taught in the summer has been pestering me. I teach workshops to help other educators, but I don't think that I have to hold someone's hand just because she was in attendance. I have tried to help this woman out and point her in the right direction, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I also don't have the time to deal with her.

Is it wrong for me to be happy to be going on leave, because at this point I am pretty darned excited.

p.s. Please say a prayer for me tomorrow afternoon. I have to head back to the lab for my post-Peak blood work and the people weren't the swiftest when I had my day 5 blood taken.

The End of the Big Infertile Adventure (Part One)

2011-10-17T21:14:00.000-05:00

I can't wait until Part Two in Omaha starts in a couple of weeks!!!!

I am so exhausted, but I wanted to wrap up, I'm sure that there are people waiting with baited breath! ;)

So after discovering that my left follicle had grown so much in two days, I had to go in for another ultrasound and the last day of blood work. TCIE's boss was a bit disappointed that we decided not to get blood work done on Saturday since that would've been the peak point of estradiol. Oh well, it didn't seem like anything was going to happen.

So this afternoon TCIE wanded me and saw that the follicle on the left had ruptured. I was sure that I felt something during mass -- thank you St. Jude! -- and I was right.

This isn't exactly a good thing, but I'm wondering if this may be part of my problem.

You see, my follicle was larger, but not quite mature. In the summer of 2010 I had hormone panel and ultrasound series locally and the ultrasonographer was scared that I wasn't going to ovulate, but then I did on day 18, which I also did this month (and judging from my chart, it seems like it's a pattern). I am thinking that the fact that my follicles aren't mature, but still rupturing may be a part of my problem. TCIE did see lots of shadows on my ultrasounds and my left ovary was in a strange place so there is also structural stuff going on as well.

Have any of you heard of this happening?

I have never been more thankful to see Dr. Hilgers on October 31st!

Thank you all for your prayers, I have felt lifted up by all of my prayer warriors. I was also sure to give props to St. Gerard in the ultrasound room -- yes, there is a St. Gerard handkerchief and a prayer card hanging in the ultrasound room at TCIE's work. I was in a blessed place all week!

Let's just hope that my class doesn't attack me when they see me!

Day Seven of the Big Infertile Adventure -- Apparently miracles do happen!

2011-10-16T19:55:00.001-05:00

So of course, this trip could not go without drama.

But don't worry, this is good drama.

TCIE and I were having a bit of the feel-me-sorries with regards to our uncooperative follicles. She decided that we should have an ultrasound today to see what was going on. It seems as though the Holy Spirit was busy this afternoon.

We had planned to go to a healing mass at a local parish, but when we got to the church we saw a sign that read, "Healing Mass Cancelled." Needless to say we were more than a little shocked. Apparently the priest that was going to celebrate mass was quite ill that he even had to cancel noon mass. In a panic we had to find church for mass, which was not an easy feat being so late in the afternoon.

Mr., Mrs. TCIE and I feverishly worked our smartphones, GPS and computer to find a nearby mass. Luckily we found a mass not to far away at 5pm that left us enough time to go to TCIE's office to get wanded -- later in the day that we planned, which was a very good thing.

And let's just say that TCIE was more than a little shocked to see what she saw. There wasn't too much going on on my right ovary, but on the left, the left was a different story. The little follicle that was growing on Friday was only 0.76cm grew to a whopping 1.8cm -- substantial growth for two days. TCIE was shocked.

It seems that this cycle isn't a bust after all.

What I'm thinking is that this may be part of my issue.

So I go for another scan before we leave for home tomorrow and I'm thinking that the follicle ruptured while we were at mass -- at St. Jude's. Ironic? I think not.

So please petition any saint that you can think of, prayer warriors. It would be so amazing if the follicle ruptures while I'm here so I don't have to continue with ultrasounds when I get home.

St. Gerard definitely came through, he just has a little more to go!

Days Four, Five & Six of the Big Infertile Adventure

2011-10-15T18:38:00.003-05:00

TCIE and I have been having too much fun that I haven't had the time to blog! Also, I was trying to get my report cards done while I was on the computer -- thank goodness for technology! I was able to get my work done away from home.

Day Four: I went with TCIE to her morning job and was able to see the new facility that her boss has recently opened up. It was definitely one of the nicest doctor's offices I have ever been to! All of her co-workers were so friendly and welcoming, especially when I told them about my upcoming journey to Omaha.

In the afternoon I had another blood draw, which went very well. I can't get over the very comfortable reclining beds that they use instead of the upright chairs that we have back home! I never have to see my own blood, which is wonderful since I am so squeamish.

We were able to leave early that day and TCIE and I attending the Marian procession celebrating the final apparition of the Virgin Mary at Fatima. There were hundreds of people there! It was such a powerful experience to say the rosary with so many people.

Day Five: I had my second ultrasound with my personal ultrasonographer (now, how many of you can say that?). Unfortunately, the results were not good. For the first (known) time, it seems like I am not going to ovulate this cycle. TCIE figures that the stress of the upcoming surgery on top of my stress of traveling here plus work have contributed to my ovaries not cooperating. Needless to say I was pretty devastated -- ovulating was the one thing that my body did properly. I was suspecting that something was amiss since my CM was completely non-existent, again, something that is out of the ordinary (since my second surgery I have not needed any mucus enhancers whatsoever, if you know what I mean).

I had made plans with one of my girlfriends that lives in the area and she picked me up right after my ultrasound. It was pretty hard not to break down and cry all the way to lunch. Lucky for me I have a lot of practice pretending that I am not dying on the inside. We went to the local mall and she helped me find birthday presents for Mr. JB -- I may have gone overboard, but it makes me so sad to be away from him on his special day.

My friend brought me back to TCIE's house and she ended up spending the evening with us. We had some dinner and snacks and some wine. Let's just say TCIE and I drowned our sorrows. I just hope that the video proof of my drunken storytelling doesn't make it onto the internet!

I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit brought us together to comfort one another -- TCIE had a tough day yesterday as well. It would've been pretty difficult to work through the results of my ultrasound alone. Having a sister in struggle right beside me was such a blessing!

Mr. JB assures me that this wasn't a wasted trip, although the blood work and ultrasounds may not be of any use to Dr. Hilgers. TCIE has assured me that I'm not going to be denied my surgery, but that I may have to do some of the testing at home, or perhaps even return here for a complete ultrasound series. I'm going to call the nurses at PPVI on Monday to see what they say.

[sigh]

Day Six: After our wine-filled evening I was able to sleep in until 11:30am -- something that I never do! If I was at home I would've already gone to a yoga class, done laundry and made at least two meals. It was so nice to wake up, fully rested.

TCIE called her boss and asked her if I needed to come in for my blood work and she said that there was no point since my follicle was so small. Part of me was relieved to not to have to get another needle, but a bigger part of me wished that my body would cooperate. TCIE said that she would scan me again tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully there will be some growth -- please pray for a late ovulation!!!!

We were going to go to the National Shrine of St. Rita of Cascia, but we realized in the car that the journey was going to be much longer than anticipated, so instead we got gluten-free falafel in a nearby town. It was so good that I was moved to happy tears. I think that I was the source of amusement to both TCIE and the women behind the counter! I have never been so happy to eat falafel in my entire life! Yes, I am not the only blogger that is obsessed with food!

So prayer warriors, please petition heaven for my slow-growing follicles. It will require a miracle at this point to make this a good cycle for the tests that I need done for Omaha, but miracles do happen, right?

p.s. In my infertile stupour I completely forgot that we went to a mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday. It was such a beautiful mass and there were so many people in attendance. At the end of mass one of the priests spoke very beautifully about the difficult plight of infertile women -- I wish that I had a tape recorder to remember all that he said.

At the end of mass all of the women praying to conceive were called up to venerate a relic of St. Gerard. TCIE and I waited quite a while, and we were pretty close to the front! After venerating the relic each woman was given a St. Gerard prayer card and an envelope that was filled with a St. Gerard hankerchief, a prayer card with a medal attached, and a novena book.

Afterward, we visited his statue and I lit a candle in honour of all my sisters in struggle. TCIE also told me of the Italian tradition of pinning money on St. Gerard, and I did not want to leave any stone unturned, so I joined in.

As we were leaving, I couldn't resist but take a photo of the sign on the front of the church:

I tried to remember all of you that are still waiting! I hope that St. Gerard will intercede for us soon!
St. Gerard, pray for us!

Reflecting On Blessings -- Day Three of the Big Infertile Adventure

2011-10-12T10:49:00.000-05:00

Again, I have to thank all of my prayer warriors -- I have felt so at peace since arriving in NJ! I'm normally a fast-moving, busy person (yes, teaching the second grade really lends itself to my personality!) and I have been able to slow down and reflect about my journey, thus far.

The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I am so infinitely blessed.

Monday night when Dr. Nora and I arrived at TCIE's boss' home I was overcome by her generosity. Here we were, two complete strangers, and she offered me a bed in her home. Not only that, but yesterday she was so gentle and compassionate while she was taking my blood. I've had many blood draws in the past six years and gentle people are very hard to come by!

I have put my full trust in the Lord and He is not disappointing me at all.

I was brought to tears more than once with TCIE -- tears of gratitude of her immense friendship. It amazes me that someone that is geographically so far from me has become such an essential support. Although we are the last of the BW's to get pg, we are both so thankful that we are at least together at this point. I have no doubt that God planned for us to be together for this part of my IF journey -- how fitting that she is able to do my ultrasounds and her boss is able to do my blood work before we go to Omaha!

I am also so blessed to have a job that has giving me the time off to do these tests and have my surgery. I am not going to lose any pay and I know that my class will be in good hands. I know that I was worried before I left, but my teaching partner tells me that all is well.

The cross of IF has brought me so many gifts: a strong marriage, wonderful friendships, a healthier body and most of all a deeper love of my faith in God. I know in my heart that I am doing exactly what He has planned for me.

And that is the biggest blessing of all.

Day Two of the Big Infertile Adventure

2011-10-11T20:38:00.000-05:00

So today was my first day of tests. I have to admit that I was quite anxious since I needles and JellyBelly are not friends, but my anxiety was unwarranted. I had a great day today!

I knew that TCIE was going to be an amazing ultrasonographer and she did not disappoint. It was neat to be able to watch my insides on the monitor as she was scanning me. It always amazes me how the black and white images can be interpreted as real stuff! From what it looks, and from what TCIE told me, it looks like there's quite a bit of stuff going on. She said that it looks like I have quite a few adhesions and that she saw at least one fibroid. Dr. H is going to have quite a bit to work on! I was very happy to have had a pain-free ultrasound (unlike my experience on my day 5 scan).

TCIE's boss drew my blood and she was so amazingly gentle. I'm used to sitting up in a chair back home and today I got to lie down and not see a thing! She made a blood draw almost 100% pleasant!

I feel like I am such good hands here and again I don't doubt that I am where I am supposed to be.

Tomorrow is a day off for tests and I think that Dr. Nora and I are going to go on a bit of an adventure.

Thank you all for your continued prayers!

Day One of the Big Infertile Adventure

2011-10-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

Not the most eloquent title, but it gets to the point, no?

So Dr. Nora and I have arrived safe and sound. We had a slight change of plans since our journey took us a little longer than we had anticipated -- I'm staying at TCIE's boss' house for the night. Dr. Nora is staying with her and because we were so exhausted she offered a bed for me too.

We have had angels watching over us all day.

When we got to the border crossing, Dr. Nora discovered that she had forgotten her passport. She had her driver's license and some other ID and I started to say Hail Mary's as we approached the guard station. We were so lucky and the guard let us cross with a reminder to always travel with a passport (I had mine as well as my license, I don't know if that helped). I guess we looked harmless and that "medical appointments" were enough of a reason to let us through.

I took a turn driving which made me very nervous since Dr. Nora's car is a stick shift. Her car is only the second manual I have ever driven! I did okay until I stalled in Scranton (twice at an intersection with a line of cars behind me).

We stopped in Corning, NY for some Mexican which was great. Mr. JB and I passed through there two summers ago when we went to the Poconos. The restaurant that we ate at was still under construction and when we went to check it out one of the workers said, "Come back in two weeks!" It took a year, and it was worth coming back -- the food was very tasty.

I do have a bit of anxiety about the tests that have to be done. I am so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong! I am so glad that TCIE is doing my ultrasound (have I said that enough lately?) and her boss is going to draw my blood as well. I just re-read my requisition and it looks like I have to have some more blood taken back home, but I'll have to ask about that at the clinic tomorrow.

Thank you all for your prayers! We definitely had many prayer warriors looking out for us today!

And we're off....

2011-10-09T22:57:00.000-05:00

It seems like I have been leading up to this moment for the past six years.

My bags are packed and I leave for TCIE's at 10am tomorrow morning. My ultrasound series has turned into a bit of a road trip -- Dr. Nora is going to be traveling to the US with me so she can shadow the process. I am grateful that I don't have to travel seven hours alone and it will be great to have my very own naturopath with me for this part of my journey!

I was a bit stressed since it is so hard to pack when the weather can be quite unpredictable -- it felt like summer here all weekend, but I'm sure that it will be frigid soon enough. Thank goodness we are driving since I'm sure that my bags over-packed!

I am hoping that my anxiety isn't going to get the best of me. I haven't been waking up at 4am, but waves of panic keep washing over me at random times. I keep telling myself to trust and surrender my fears, but it is easier said than done. I am also not looking forward to being away from Mr. JB for so long. He will be celebrating his birthday next weekend while I'm away, and it makes me sad that I won't be with him. He says that he doesn't mind and that he's going to take the opportunity to hang out with his dad while I'm gone and that we will celebrate when I get home.

My husband has saintly qualities, let me tell you.

So I have a favour, or two to ask of all of you. First, please pray that all of the testing, particularly the blood work, goes well. I know that the ultrasounds will be fine since I will be in TCIE's able hands, but even after all these years I am a needle-phobe. Secondly, those of you that are my buddies on FB could you please not mention that I'm away? There are still some people that I have to tell about my upcoming surgery (as well as my past six years of IF!) and I don't want to have to answer questions via my FB wall.

I feel so blessed that I have such a great support system from the blogs. I remember when I started I felt so alone, and now I have met so many friends that in so many ways are closer than the people that I see every day! Thank you God for all of you!

Strange Incision Pain -- Help!

2011-10-08T11:18:00.000-05:00

So my fellow endo sufferers, have any of you experienced very uncomfortable incision pain?

I usually feel a dull ache when it's going to rain, but since yesterday I have been in quite a bit of discomfort. The pain is localized on the left hand side of my incision and it radiates into my pelvis.

Such fun.

I gave in and took some pain killers this morning because I needed to function.

Thank the Lord I am starting my ultrasound series next week! Hopefully TCIE will find what is going on!!!

p.s. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. Your prayers definitely helped!

The Wall

2011-10-05T21:14:00.000-05:00

It hit me today.

This is it.

My surgery with Dr. Hilgers is the last thing that we are going to do to restore my fertility. My third, and final surgery.

If this doesn't work, we move on.

When we started this journey WAY back in July 2005, I couldn't imagine that six years later that we would still be childless, but here we are.

We are so blessed to be able to have the choice to have this surgery. Everything has come into place to make this surgery happen. I know in my heart that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Regardless of the outcome, I will not regret our decision to go to Omaha.

But I'm scared.

So desperately scared.

My back is against the wall and I'm starting at all of my fears straight in the eye.

Dear God, please help me!

Coming Clean, Well Mostly

2011-10-04T20:43:00.000-05:00

After my crazy day yesterday -- which ended off quite nicely with my appointment with Dr. Nora, thank God, even the traffic wasn't too bad coming home, I came to school ready to start telling people about my surgery.

The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive. Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.

It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.

I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!

At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!

By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.

I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.

And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad.

So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!

Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).

If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.

One of the worst things... * Updated

2011-10-03T07:00:00.001-05:00

...about being infertile is having to fill one's bladder in preparation for an ultrasound.

I have goosebumps all over 'cos I started with cold water and now I'm shivering!

I have the day off for my day 5 ultrasound (the baseline before I head south for my Napro ultrasounds) and blood work (which will be shipped to Omaha).

I end off the day with a visit to Dr. Nora.

How I wish I could have fun relaxing and watching girly movies, rather than preparing myself for surgery #3.

[sigh]
_____________________________

I am so thankful to be home. It was not a fun morning. At all.

I was very happy to get to the ultrasound clinic without too much fuss. The office was quite the way away and I knew that navigating morning rush hour traffic wouldn't be fun. I got there on time and I didn't have to wait.

That's when the fortune ended.

I have been through many, many ultrasounds. When the technician asked me what the reason for my ultrasound was, I knew that it was going to go downhill from there. Didn't she read the d*mn requisition???? I told her primary infertility and that it was my day 5 baseline ultrasound. She told me to lie down (which was not comfortable since my bladder was so darned full) and then asked how long we had been TTC.

She's lucky that I was so distracted from my full bladder because I was ready to cry or punch her, but I calmly said, "Six years." Although I wanted to add, does it really matter? It's obvious that you have no idea what six years of barrenness has done to me.

[deep breath]

She finished the external ultrasound and I was told to pee. Honestly, the pee after filling one's bladder is the most joyous experience!

When I returned to the room I was told to take all of my bottoms off and to put on the ridiculous paper gown. I lay down and she inserted the dildocam and she just went to town. She wasn't gentle, despite my telling her that it was painful. Like I said, I've had many ultrasounds and I know that they are not supposed to be painful. My deep, yoga breathing helped, a bit, but it was still so uncomfortable that I had tears in my eyes -- which says a lot since I have a high pain tolerance (I've lived with stage 4 endo, I know what pain is!). The entire scan took about ten minutes, but it seemed like hours. At the end I asked the tech why it hurt so much and she said, "Well you have endometriosis, that's why." She's lucky I didn't kick her in the teeth.

[another deep breath]

So next was my day 5 blood work. I drove back home and found the lab (which is a new lab because only certain labs will ship blood to the US). I felt very confident that the lab would be able to handle shipping my blood to Omaha since I spoke to a very nice lady at their head office. Alas, I was wrong.

After waiting for almost half and hour the receptionist was all confused about my requisition. I explained to her that I had spoken to head office and that I was told that they were able to ship my blood to the US and that if she needed to talk to someone that I had their phone number and extension. I went back and forth with the woman at the desk at least four times. She brought in more than one colleague to help her out with my situation. Thank God another woman came in and calmly explained to her what to do. The biggest glitch was the price that I was quoted was wrong because of the dry ice and extra packaging that was needed.

God was merciful on me enough to send me a very thorough technician. She went over the requisition from Dr. Hilgers with a fine tooth comb. The woman at the desk highlighted that I needed post-Peak blood work done as well, but I insisted that it was just day 5 FSH (I also had a requisition from my local Napro doc that said that same thing). She took an extra vial of blood just in case, but I am sure that she will ensure that my sample gets to Omaha!

The tech said something very interesting. She asked for my cell phone number just in case she had any questions. She said that I was very knowledgeable and that she knew that I knew what I needed inside and out. She complimented me on being my own advocate and that, "If you want something, you need to go and get it. No one is going to do it for you."

Prophetic words.

She was like an angel speaking to me. I need to persevere, regardless of how hard all of this seems.

One more appointment. Dr. Nora at 4:45pm. Thank God that she doesn't need to take blood or poke my ladyparts!

Summer Prayer Buddy Reveal

2011-10-02T19:51:00.002-05:00

I was so excited about the last edition of Summer Prayer Buddies! I love having a particular person to pray for!

I had the wonderful fortune of praying for Mrs. Henderson at Still Standing! It definitely wasn't a coincidence, the Holy Spirit had His hand in pairing us up. We are both teachers and as I type this she is in Omaha!

I was able to offer up many prayers for her intentions and I stepped up my prayers when it looked like her insurance company wasn't going to cover her surgery's cost. I prayed the St. Gerard novena for her every night and I offered up every yoga class for her (there was a lot of sweat generated for your intentions!). I've also been offering up my frustration with my class -- and there has been a healthy dose of that!

I am continuing my prayers for her as her surgery approaches. I am certain that Dr. Hilgers will work miracles for you too!

Thanks to Mrs. Henderson and Mrs. B for organizing Summer Prayer Buddies!

p.s. I will be sending your gift when I'm in the US next week!

-------------------------------
Thank you so much to God Alone Suffices for her prayers! I cannot believe how calm I have been as I wait for my surgery. I am certain that your prayers have made the stressful process of organizing tests, ultrasounds, arranging to go to the US for my hormone panel and ultrasound series go so smoothly!
God bless you and I will be praying for you too!

p.s. I'm still looking for advice on US cell phones. Please help if you can!

Practical Advice Needed

2011-10-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that my surgery is in exactly a month.

Oh my gravy.

Part of me is panicking, and another is thankful since my cramps are just horrible right now. Thank God for whoever invented ibuprofen in gel pills!

I head to the States next week for my ultrasound series and I have been thinking about getting a pay-per-use cell phone rather than getting US roaming on my Canadian phone. Our cell phone rates are crazy expensive and I really want the piece of mind of having a phone that I can use when I need to. The phone will also come in handy when we're in Omaha (although we got a phone package for Mr. JB's car, we have On.Star service that we decided to renew).

Advice, anyone?

Thanks AF

2011-09-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

I'm being serious.

Thank you for arriving on time this month. Now all of my ultrasound and blood work appointments are going to work out. My ultrasound trip to see TCIE is going to happen on our scheduled days.

Everything seems to be working out for my surgery.

I am a little tiny bit disappointed that I didn't get miraculously pg, but at least I have a fantastic plan. I have complete faith that the Lord has led me to Omaha and to Dr. H.

After six years of IF I have never been this happy for AF to arrive -- well, I was pretty happy when she returned after the dreaded L.upron, but this is different excitement.

Now don't get used to the warm reception AF, as soon as we get the green light to return to TTC I want you outta here!!!!

Tuesday Musings

2011-09-27T20:48:00.001-05:00

1. I slept until 5am this morning. I am convinced that I would've slept to the alarm if the stupid raccoons weren't going through our organic waste outside. The downside of sleeping with the windows open on garbage day. I hate raccoons, but I am thankful for my husband that cleaned the mess up.

2. I told my closest friend on my staff, M, about my surgery at lunch yesterday. We were on our way back to school and she asked me if there was anything new going on and I told her. She was so supportive and optimistic about the surgery's success. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. The next person I have to tell is my teaching partner, hopefully I can get that out of the way in the next couple of days.

3. Please pray for my friend M's family (yes, the M in #2). She got word this morning that her niece's boyfriend committed suicide and she was heartbroken. She left school as soon as she got the news, so I don't know all of the details. What I do know is that her niece was dating this boy for two years and that he was a lovely boy. Her niece is away at university so her dad (M's brother-in-law) went to console her while M and her husband went to her sister-in-law's work to break the news to her. I have personally known the darkness of depression, but I can't imagine how low this poor boy felt to end his life.

4. I have booked my day 5 ultrasound for Monday. There was no way I could get TCIE to do the baseline ultrasound, so I got the go ahead from my Napro doctor to get it done locally. I also spoke to the lab that will be taking my day 5 blood on Monday and they were so incredibly helpful. I had originally thought that I was responsible for sending my own blood to PPVI, so I had called Fed Ex (and spoke to someone very helpful!). Sending one vial of blood on my own would've cost $70!!!! The lab that is taking my blood told me that I wouldn't be allowed to ship my own blood and that they have a corporate account with Fed Ex, so shipping would only be $25.

5. Speaking of money. Mr. JB got in touch with our money guy and we were able to access all of the funds, and a bit more, for my surgery. I have $7000 in the bank from my extra tutoring and my summer job. We had to pay a disbursement fee, but I'm glad that we didn't have to borrow it. It makes a dent in our savings (and our down payment fund), but I am not going to dwell on that. We are so blessed to make a very generous wage and we'll be able to build up our house fund soon enough. Also, the annoying neighbours moved out at the beginning of the month and life has gotten so much more pleasant.

6. I spoke to my teacher's union and got advice about my medical leave. I was worried because my school board has recently implemented an employee absence tracking service. When you reach a certain number of sick days you get called in and get reprimanded. Because I have a doctor's note for both my absences I won't be penalized by the program. My principal was concerned that I would have to take part in the "counseling" they give employees with too many absences. What a relief!

7. My class is nuts. I was blessed with two years of great classes, but these kids are giving me a run for my money. I've had to resort to tactics I used with older kids since the same primary discipline techniques I've used are not working. Let's just say that the third day of school I had to talk myself out of getting wine. Instead I waited until the next day, since I wasn't coming home from a yoga class. Part of me is relieved to take the time off since they are CRAZY!

8. I saw my Cranio Sacral Therapist today and she was doing a lot of work in my abdomen area and she broke through a couple of adhesions. I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain (which has gotten worse with every cycle, thank God I am having surgery soon!) and she said that she felt quite a bit of scar tissue in my pelvis. I asked her if I had any infection issues and she didn't sense anything, but she said that I was high in metals and I had a virus of some sort. I told her I was convinced that Dr. H is going to find some sort of infection. She asked me how I knew and I told her that I just had a feeling. I am very in tune (almost too much in tune) with my body which isn't always a blessing.

9. I decided that I would tell my closer work colleagues about my surgery via e-mail. Rather than telling them in person (there's a group of four of them that I hang out with regularly), I'm going to send them a message while I'm with TCIE getting wanded. I'll send the message over Canadian Thanksgiving that way it'll give them the week to ask me any questions while I'm away then when I return we can hopefully get on with things. A big part of me know that I won't be able to tell them without getting upset, so it would be so much better for me emotionally AND if they have questions I can answer them in my own time (and hopefully via e-mail!). One of the girls is very pregnant and I don't want her to feel bad when she gets my news.

10. Despite all of the worrying I've been doing I have been feeling so much more positive. My massage therapist even said my jaw is doing so much better. My prayer buddy has been working overtime!!!!

11. Lastly, I want to pray a novena to prepare for my surgery. Does anyone out there have a suggestion?

4am

2011-09-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am a champion sleeper.

That is, it seems as though I was a champion sleeper.

I have been waking around 4am every morning with worried thoughts going through my head. Yes, it is definitely explainable since I will be having surgery in about five weeks (I just had heart palpitations typing that). I'm not scared of having surgery, since Dr. H is going to fix my broken ladyparts, it's all the stuff leading up to the surgery.

You see, I haven't told anyone but my principal about my surgery. My teaching partner, my closest friends at school and most of the people closest to me don't even know.

I've been holding onto hope that I will miraculously fall pg this cycle, but we have to be realistic here. It's Peak +11 today and I'm expecting AF to arrive this week. TCIE and I have been planning my week-long stay to get wanded, which I am really excited about. It will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from Mr. JB, but I'm sure that TCIE is going to have lots of things to distract me with (and yes, the wanding and blood work, there's also that!).

I plan to call my union office tomorrow to get advice. My principal knows that I will be taking the time off in November, but the week off in October will come as a surprise (I already have a substitute lined up though). I also have my doctor's notes that justify my absences.

I know the biggest reason why I am so worried is that I have to come clean with so many people. I am going to tell my teaching partner and perhaps one of my closest colleagues (with the instruction that she tell my other friends). I really don't want to tell a whole bunch of people the same sad story.

I suffer from the sin of pride. I don't want their pity and I am not 100% comfortable with everyone knowing my business. I will have to explain why I am not going to be around for two months, or at least my friends will. I feel like I am finally admitting defeat by letting my friends in on my deep, dark secret of IF.

Yes, someone who has had thousands of visits to her blog, thinks that her IF is a secret.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should do my big "reveal?" I don't want to do something contrived and invite them all out and announce it. That would be so cheesy.

Prayer buddy, I'm in need of some big prayers this week. I need some courage, big time.

Remembering

2011-09-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

It has been quite the day.

We decided to head to my FIL's house after mass so he didn't have to be alone today. He definitely is sad, but is so relieved that J's suffering is over. It seems like the funeral won't be until next week because her daughter-in-law had to go out of town on business. There is an outside chance that the funeral could be on Thursday (which would be preferable since my brother-in-law could help con-celebrate the mass, if the funeral does end up being next week he will be on a month-long silent retreat so he won't be able to get away).

The saddest I saw my FIL was when he was telling us that J is going to be cremated. Apparently this is going against her wishes, but her sons have decided that it is for the best. My FIL technically doesn't have any say about the funeral arrangements, and he recognizes that. He did take the opportunity to remind us that he does not under any circumstances want to be cremated (which we both already knew, apparently I am the only member of my family that wants to be!).

Please continue to pray for her and her family. It definitely wasn't a coincidence that today's homily was about forgiveness - something that I have been thinking about a lot this past week. The one thing that all of this has taught me, thus far, is that I need to appreciate my own mother more, despite how crazy she makes me.

---------------------------------------------------

I still can't believe that it is the tenth anniversary of 9/11. I have blogged about it before and I have tried to avoid the specials commemorating the terror attacks -- it was just too much with the stress of the past week. I spent this morning reading the paper and I was brought to tears more than once.

Perhaps it was because it was a melancholy day because of J's passing or perhaps it was because the weather was eerily similar to what it was ten years ago. Mr. JB and I were marveling at how beautiful it was today as we walked into church. He even went as far as saying that he hopes that every 9/11 anniversary has equally beautiful weather.

In the past ten years I have become so much more cynical, I know a large part of it is due to six years of IF, but before the attacks on the United States I lived in a happy, hopeful bubble. I believed that I lived in North America and therefore I would be safe at all times.

In the car on the way to my FIL's house Mr. JB was talking about the terrorists that had learned how to fly planes, but not land them. He went on to say that he thought it was strange that no one was suspicious about their strange behaviour. I told him that before 9/11 I had no idea that such evil could be on our side of the world. I believed that (almost) everyone had good intentions and that wars and terrorist attacks happened elsewhere. I thought that the world was ending, albeit for a brief period of time, as I saw the planes hit the World Trade Centre. If you asked me on 9/10/01 if I thought that the attacks were possible I would've told you in all certainty, no.

I think that 9/11 was my first real moment as an adult. I was already 26 years old and had lived abroad. I thought that I was worldly, but I wasn't always realistic about what the world was about.

I am also very far from the person was so quickly comforted by my dad.

"Nothing is going to happen to you. We live in Canada, we are safe. You can go to sleep now."

That night I went to sleep and woke up a grown up, and it's taken me ten years to realize it.

Rest in peace

2011-09-11T10:15:00.000-05:00

My father-in-law's girlfriend passed away early this morning.

May she rest in peace.

Please keep her two sons and her three grandchildren in your prayers.

St. Joseph, pray for us.

Preparing for the worst

2011-09-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

So things with my father-in-law's girlfriend is much worse than we thought. Not only is on morphine, but her family has decided to stop feeding her. In fact, she hasn't eaten in ten days.

It is obvious that she is not long for this world.

My FIL went to see her today and he was pretty shaken up when Mr. JB talked to him. One of daughters-in-law was sponging water into her mouth and she was able to recognize him.

Her sister passed away a couple of weeks ago and it seems like she will be joining her soon.

I am sad, but I also have a lot of mixed emotions.

You see, my FIL's girlfriend didn't like me.

At all.

When she was well she made my life miserable. I know that she said untrue, horrible things behind my back. She was jealous of the fact that I actually married into the family while she was just a "girlfriend" (I will never understand why my FIL stayed with her for so long, he didn't want to marry her, and she lived in her own home and they fought all the time).

I am so sad that my FIL is going through something so sad. I am sad that her kids have to go through this. Mr. JB reminds me that at one point, before my time, he had good memories. Unfortunately, in the past (almost) eight years, those distant memories are what he has had to hold onto.

I've been praying about this. I pray for J every night, despite my feelings.

Please continue your prayers for her. I hope that she finds comfort in her pain.

First Day

2011-09-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

I love school.

I really do. Before I discovered my vocation, I had already attended 6 years of university, so I have the student debt to prove it.

But, like pretty much every teacher on the planet, I wished for just a bit more vacation.

Don't get me wrong, I think my class is cute (with one or two exceptions) and I know that I will have a good year. The vibe today was nice and calm, and everyone seemed on task. I know that I have a few challenging kids, but I know who they are and I have an idea what strategies to use with them.

It also makes me so happy when the parents are so happy to have me teach their kids. I had a couple of parents that were visibly excited that I was their child's teacher (Lord, please let me have that moment with my own kids!).

There are 188 days left. Not that I'm counting.

We did get some bad news at the JB household. My father-in-law's girlfriend is not doing well. She has been in a home since January and we learned today that she's no longer eating and is on morphine. It doesn't look good. She has had a series of strokes that has really affected her brain function and she has lost her ability to speak. Mr. JB went to visit her with my parents in July and she wasn't doing well then, but this is much worse. I am sad for my FIL since this is his second partner that he has watched wither away (Mr. JB's mom died of cancer 21 years ago). Please pray for J and her comfort.

Back to reality

2011-09-05T19:04:00.001-05:00

Ah, Labour Day. I think that for most teachers, this is a day that we dread. Now don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to be working in my vocation and I love my school, but after two months off (well, five weeks for me, but I'm not splitting hairs), I really don't want the alarm to go off in the morning.

This is my tenth September. I had similar feelings last year and I wish that I didn't have to return to work because I had a little one to look after, but this year is a bit different.

As my surgery date looms closer I am still hopeful. I finally got through to the finance people at PPVI and Creighton and I have a better idea how much it is all going to cost us. The $16 000 price tag almost had me hyperventilating, but I have $10 500 in the bank from the extra work that I've done and we have money in investments that we can tap into. A few nights ago I was having a hard time falling asleep because I was so worried about finances and I kept on repeating, "Jesus, I trust in you" until I fell asleep. The next day at yoga I had a very clear thought that everything was going to be okay, regardless of how far this is going to set us back financially.

One of my biggest worries, aside from telling my principal that I am taking two months off, is coming clean with my colleagues. A two month absence is going to be a little more difficult to explain. I will have to tell my teaching partner and my closest friends on staff, but a big part of me dreads telling them. I know that their prayers and support are going to be much needed, but I've gotten so good at pretending that there's nothing wrong in my life!

I knew that 2011 was going to be a big year for us, I just didn't know how. Our road to Dr. Hil.gers and PPVI has been long, but I am certain that this is the path that we've needed to take to build our family. I am so looking forward to my surgery since my endo pain has gotten progressively worse and I am so tired of pain. I want to be disease-free so badly!

So Happy New Year to all of you, despite my apprehension, there is a part of me that is excited about the first day of school.

St. John Baptist de la Salle, pray for us!

Dipping a toe in...

2011-08-29T19:08:00.000-05:00

So I went to school today (for the second time, but the first time was just to drop off the stuff that I had with me for the workshops that I taught earlier this month). It was much easier this time around since I'm in the same classroom and I was pretty good at putting things away nicely (last year my former grade one partner left me a HUGE mess and I was so stressed out). I do have to say that H.ydrocort has made such a difference! My head was actually clear and I was able to function. I am so glad that I don't have to go off of it before my surgery!

Today is CD3 and I am so crampy. I was hoping that we would miraculously get pg before my surgery, but I was disappointed yet again. This is the last cycle that we can actually try before my ultrasound series (yay TCIE!!!), so we have one last shot.

I was talking to my awesome chiropractor today about my upcoming surgery in Omaha and we were both lamenting on how frustrating it is that the surgeon that did my surgeries here didn't do a thorough enough job. I'm thinking now that he did enough to remove the endometriosis, but not all of it which is why my cramps have gotten worse and worse.

The one thing I am not looking forward to is having to tell my principal that I am going to be taking two months off. I already got a note from my Napro doctor saying that I am having major surgery and that I need the time. According to Dr. Hil.gers I need to take 4 to 6 weeks off and since my surgery is at the beginning of November, if I were to return in 6 weeks I'd be back right before Christmas. I think that it would be easier for everyone involved (especially the teacher that will be filling in for me!) if I came back in the new year. I think that I'm going to call my union first to get their advice before I go in to see my principal.

I can't believe that the summer vacation is almost over! Is it weird that part of me is looking forward to having the time off this fall?

Prayer buddy, thank you for all of your prayers! I cannot believe how at peace I've been feeling lately! And to the blogger that I'm praying for, you've been getting so many prayers offered up for you!

If it was only this easy -- *Updated

2011-08-24T10:12:00.002-05:00

Now, I would've saved a lot of heartache if I knew about this technique!

p.s. I see my Napro doc at 12:40pm today. Can't wait to hear about the blood work results! I promise to update as soon as I can.

-------------------------------
Update:

So everything came back negative -- I didn't test positive for MTHFR antibodies and there's nothing wrong with my thyroid AND my progesterone and estrogen levels are AMAZING. As my Napro doctor has been saying (and is the reason why she recommended going to Omaha), my issue is structural, not hormonal.

My Napro doc is the sweetest. She went over all of the paperwork that I received from PPVI and she even gave me a big hug as we left the office. Like I've said before, she is my biggest cheerleader and believes that there is hope for us!

The good news continues...

2011-08-22T20:25:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for your comments on my last post. I feel so blessed to have so many people praying and rejoicing with me!

This afternoon (while at the mall with Mr JB, I tricked him into going to Ikea AND the mall, so I bribed him with fries at the food court) my brother-in-law said that the Jesuit community at Creighton would be happy to host us while I am in Omaha for my surgery.

I had to stop myself from doing cartwheels in front of everyone!

This is what the message said:

They’re set, JellyBelly's Jesuit BIL,
    Want to have one of them email me to make more direct plans for arrival?
    We’re glad to host family members of SJ’s when we can. This works out well.
    Blessings to you and on their efforts to conceive!

My BIL got the response in less than half an hour from his initial message (which forgot that I had had two surgeries, but that's just a technicality at this point).

Staying with the Jesuits will save us at least $1 000, or perhaps more. I'm not sure if we will be eating all our meals with them, but I wouldn't be surprised if we did.

I am still waiting for the new paperwork from PPVI for my new surgery protocol and I have an appointment with my local Napro doctor on Wednesday to get all of the test results from July (I was tested for MTHFR and my insulin resistance was re-tested).

I have been feeling so at peace lately, which has been such a gift. We went spent the weekend at Mr. JB's cousin's cottage and we were the only childless couple and I was able to play with the kids and hold the babies without feeling sorry for myself. We also attended a family reunion for Mr. JB's dad's family and one of his cousins came up to us to ask us if we had a little girl. She was convinced that I had had a baby and that it was definitely a girl, perhaps she was predicting something? This cousin was also the first family member, aside from his dad, that he called to tell that we were engaged (he had made the promise when he was a teenager and went through with it).

I'd like to believe that after our journey to Omaha that we will be able to conceive that little girl!

p.s. I had a brain fart and I gave myself two HCG injections back to back. For some reason I was convinced that I had to give myself an injection on Friday, but I was really supposed to do it on Saturday. I went for my Peak +7 blood work today and I'm sure that my hormones are all out of whack. And you know what? I really don't care!

PRAISE THE LORD!!! (JellyBelly breaks her blog silence for some good news)

2011-08-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

No, not that kind of good news, but good news nonetheless!

I just got off of the phone with PPVI and Dr. Hil.gers is willing to convert my surgery to a laparotomy if necessary (and I'm pretty sure that it will be necessary, I may not be a doctor, but I know that I am having more and more pain with each cycle). My surgery date was moved to November 1st, All Saint's Day, which isn't a big deal since my first date was November 2nd.

Is it a coincidence that my first surgery happened during Holy Week and now I get to see the creme de la creme and have my last surgery on All Saint's Day?

I think not!

The only thing is that the billing is going to change if my surgery is converted to a laparotomy, but at this point I don't care.

I am so relieved! I didn't want to have to go to Omaha twice.

Happy Feast of the Assumption of Mary! What a great day to celebrate!

Prayer Request -- *Updated

2011-08-04T09:22:00.002-05:00

Okay prayer warriors, we need you!

Please pray for Crunchy Catholic Mama's little girl, S who is in the hospital. She has been having problems keeping her blood sugar up and it keeps falling when not connected to an IV.

It's time to storm heaven!!!!!

--------------

Update: Little S is back home. The doctors still can't explain what is going on with her blood sugar. Please continue praying!

It's not you, it's me

2011-07-28T10:08:00.001-05:00

So I am officially on vacation. Actually I've been officially on vacation since 3:30pm on July 22nd, but this has been my first chance to sit and blog.

I was so much happier with my curriculum writing this time around. Not only was I not dragging myself around because of adrenal fatigue, but we started writing the third day. It was also a much smaller group and there wasn't a anglophone/francophone divide like there was last summer. I learned so much professionally and I know that it will look stellar on my resume -- not to mention the $4500 that I made!

This morning I went for a whole whack of blood tests. I finally convinced my Napro doc to get me tested for MTHFR and she also repeated my thyroid panel and glucose test (which was just one blood test, I didn't have to drink the nasty drink!). I had to pay for the tests which is perhaps why she was so hesitant (it cost $105 for the antibody and Vitamin D test -- hopefully my insurance covers it!). I was hardly upset when AF arrived Tuesday night. What a difference a surgery date makes!

Speaking of surgery: I got the go-ahead to go to TCIE for my ultrasound series! It is going to save so much money to drive to see her AND I get to hang out with my buddy. Now how many can say that one of their closest friends got to wand them?

Mr. JB and I are leaving for New Hampshire on Sunday and I can't wait! We decided to take the trip in two days and it looks like we're going to drive through New York State since we're going to spend a few days in Montreal on our way home. Are there any bloggers that are in that area, or even in NH? I'd love to meet up!

I'm hoping that I will be back to my regular blogging habits, but I do have to admit that it's been a nice mental break from IF. Spinning my wheels until November 2nd is a much needed break for my weary soul.

*Update: I just spoke to one of Dr. H's nurses regarding my surgery. I asked her if it was possible if the endo/adhesion mess that is in my pelvis is really bad if my surgery would be converted from a lap to a laparotomy. I was pleading since I don't want to have to return to Omaha for a second surgery, for many reasons (I don't want to have to have TWO surgeries and the cost, yes it always seems to boil down to money). She is going to ask Dr. H to review my case again and she'll get back to me sometime next week. If my surgery is going to be more extensive, the date is going to change, but that's okay with me! Please pray that this all works out!

Blog silence

2011-07-10T20:23:00.001-05:00

I have nothing to say.

Honestly.

It's not like last summer when I was SO tired that I couldn't function like a normal human being.

Now that I have a surgery date -- November 2nd -- I feel like I can put IF on the back burner and pretend that my life is normal (meaning: that procreating hasn't been the main focus of the past six years).

I feel so at peace. It's amazing how making the decision to go to Omaha regardless of funding has tamed my worries. I feel that God has put me on the path to see Dr H and that he will finally bring us closer to growing our family.

So I apologize for the lack of commenting, I am still reading, but I'm just going through a quiet phase. I continue to pray for all of you!

No rest for the wicked

2011-07-03T20:16:00.001-05:00

So my summer gig starts tomorrow morning.

[sigh]

$4500 for three weeks of work.

$4500 which will pay a BIG chunk of my surgery in Omaha. $4500 that will join the money I made last summer (that has been smartly invested by our money guy).

It wasn't a coincidence that the chance to have Dr H operate on me and this job came up.

Have I mentioned how at peace I am about going to Omaha? It made the last arrival of AF not seem so bad (and being at a Canada Day party where we were the only childless people in attendance, I even held a baby!).

I pray that these next three weeks aren't as painful as it was last summer. This summer I have Hy.drocort and my magic tinctures from Dr Nora -- if I could make it to the last day of school without falling into an exhausted heap (I was even able to have an intelligent conversation with one of the nurses at PPVI about my ultrasound series after school -- TCIE is going to wand me so I only have to make one trip to Omaha, thank the Lord!).

I've also picked out a treat that I'm going to get when my job is done. Yes, the carrot that I'm dangling in front of me is a gorgeous purse. I am such a girl.

I just hope and pray that the group of people that I'm going to be working with are not annoying! Adults are so much harder to work with than kids!

One more sleep...

2011-06-29T21:13:00.001-05:00

...until the last day of school.

So many mixed emotions, but mainly I'm exhausted.

This coming September will be my tenth in the classroom. I so wish that I could realize my dream of being a stay at home mom and leave it behind. Unfortunately there seem to be other plans in store for me.

I loved this crazy class so much. I am sure that there will be tears at the end of the day. I've explained to the kids that I am not going to be their teacher next year (for some of them I taught them last year as well). I'm ready for them to move on and I'm ready for new students.

I am grateful that I have found my vocation and that I love what I do. I'm going to miss the little stinkers!!

Now I just have to get through the day...

Dear AF

2011-06-25T21:18:00.002-05:00

Dear AF,

Just wanted to let you know that you suck.

Why wait until 10pm on Peak +15 to show up? Couldn't you have shown up before lunch or when I woke up this morning?

Honest to Pete, I can't imagine hating anyone more.

Love,
JellyBelly

Yet another reminder that IF is a full time job

2011-06-16T20:40:00.000-05:00

As if I had a doubt!

In the midst of the end of the school year frenzy (Report cards? What report cards?), I took the day off to see my FertilityCare practictioner and my Napro doc.

We hadn't been to see L is LONG time so we had quite the appointment. Since we started seeing L in early 2008 a lot has happened in our lives, and despite the pain if IF, my life has improved. It is so hard to see the wonderful fruits that I have reaped in our journey to make a baby -- my overall health has improved, I've met a large network of like-minded women, I've made choices that my heart and conscience are proud of -- we just have one last piece of the puzzle to make the ending a happy one.

L is also certain that my issue is something structural. My mucus scores are good, my hormones are good (although I learned something new about when to get my Peak +7 bloodwork done, I've been taking my shots on P + 4, 6, 8, and 10, but going for my bloodwork on Peak + 7 when I should be waiting until Peak +8, oops!), but we still aren't getting pg. She is pretty excited at our decision to go Omaha for surgery and she is so sure that Dr. Hil.gers will be able to help us.

Our appointment with Dr. T went well too. I finally convinced her that I should be tested for MTHFR -- woohoo!!! Unfortunately she told me that she applied to OHIP for surgery in Omaha for another patient and she was denied. The only positive was that she was told that if she could get a gynecologist to review the file that they would review the case again. Dr. T is going to speak to a ob/gyn that she knows (who is trained as a Napro physician, but not a surgeon) and hopefully he can see me so he can write a letter on my behalf.

We told Dr. T that regardless of whether or not my surgery is covered or not we are going to go ahead. Mr. JB and I are in total agreement that this is our last shot and too many things have pointed us in the direction of going to Omaha -- for example in the car this morning Mr. JB asked me what Dr. Hil.ger's first name was. Well he almost had a coronary when I told him because it's the same name as a famous football coach from Nebraska (have I mentioned that Mr. JB is a HUGE Corn.husker fan? He's pumped about going to Omaha and being around all the football!). He said that if we have a boy we have to include Thomas as one of the names.

Anyhow, my appointment with Dr. T was very productive. Not only did I get the requisition to test for MTHFR, but she is also going to have me re-tested for my insulin resistance, Vitamin D levels as well as my thyroid hormones. She also thinks that I can have my ultrasound series done here rather than in Omaha -- it would be such a cost saver if we could do that! She also went over the medications that I have to stop before I have my ultrasound series and bloodwork done. Thankfully, I don't have to give up H.ydrocort (or the supplements from Dr. Nora)! I only have to stop my post-Peak medications (HCG and Es.trace). I'm going to stop my medications in July in preparation for all of the testing. Now that will be an adventure!

Dr. T was also concerned about my cervix since I never, ever have dry days (I can count on one hand how many green stickers I've used!). So she examined my cervix and said that it was inflamed so she ran an electrical current on it (I can't remember the official name, pracitioners do you know what it's called?). She also took some swabs since she was already down there, and I wouldn't be surprised if I had some sort of infection (particularly since the IMT therapist talked about infection in my body) going on. I've already noticed a difference! Perhaps I can use a green sticker tomorrow!

In the midst of our IF-related appointments today Mr. JB and I did have a nice lunch at a local vegetarian place. Despite the service being super slow service and having to eat fast (which I am very, very bad at!), it was delicious! It's not far from the place that I have to pick up my liquid herbs so I'm sure that we will be back.

Our first appointment was at 9am and we didn't get home until 4pm -- a full day's work. I am so blessed to be able to take the time off guilt-free and that my husband can do the same. I am planning to tell my principal about my upcoming surgery which will most likely happen in the fall (Dr. T thinks October, but I don't hear from the scheduling nurse until the end of July). I am going to take as much time as I need since I want to be completely recovered before going back. I hope that I will be able to start the school year, but then take six to eight weeks off.

Or at least I hope they think that!

I feel at peace at our decision and it has been so long since I have felt this hopeful. I know that God has lead us to this point and that we have to trust that all of this will work out -- money, logistics, being able to schedule my surgery, etc.

Jesus, I trust in you!

And yes, TCIE is my inspiration

2011-06-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

TCIE is my girl. Not only does she have the great (?) distinction of being the only other woman from the barren wives weekend (that was July 2009 --- where has time gone????) that has yet to conceive, but she has also tried some interesting therapies to get her ladyparts going.

I've been having TMJ issues. I've been wearing a night guard to sleep since September, been adjusted by my chiropractor and had monthly massages from my RMT, with little relief. Last week while at the massage therapist I asked her if she had any other advice (aside from a labotomy or a jaw transplant) and she suggested seeing her "Integrative Manual and CranioSacral Therapist."

Now, I'm pretty adventurous. I was before IF, so why would it stop me? But what sold me was that my RMT said that between her work and her IMT person she has had patients that have gotten relief from TMJ.

This is what her literature says:

CranioSacral Therapy is the art of listening with the hands to the body. Using gentle touch the therapist is able to discern areas of dysfunction and pain. As the body tells the story, the healthy instinct towards healing is activated.

Integrative Manual Therapy is a type of bodywork that uses many diagnostic tools to evaluate the body. The gentle touch, similar to CranioSacral therapy, can assess and treat many systems of the body. Let yourself be soothed by this gentle, non-invasive profound form of bodywork.

The treatment this afternoon was amazing!!!! We started the conversation off with my being gluten-free. I didn't divulge my IF until she put her hands on the right side of my abdomen and she said that she felt scar tissue. I told her about my surgeries and how messed up I was on the inside, particularly my right fallopian tube that was obscured by adhesions. She said that she could feel that I had had an infection in my pelvis (and it was quite the infection, my pelvic abscess was HUGE!).

She also told me about how my body is reacting to pain. It may be physical or emotional, but my body is reacting in such a way that it is causing my systems to process it in ways that aren't good for healing. At the start of my treatment she said that she sensed alarm in my body and that she wanted me to breathe deeply and think of a place where I was happy and relaxed. It worked since I was able to zone out while she was treating me -- all of that yogic breathing came in handy! It was the fastest hour of my life!

There was a lot of information to take in and I wish that I had taped what she said, but she thinks that she can help break up the adhesions and help with my jaw pain (apparently the bones in my head are all fused together when they should be more mobile, no wonder I have so many jaw issues!).

I know this is just a drop in the bucket compared to what TCIE is doing, but I believe that I'm going to get some positive results!

-------------------------------------------------------
Thank you so much for your support on my last post. I realized last night that getting that hefty pricetag was a clear sign from our dear St. Anthony. I've been praying so much for a sign of what we are supposed to do and I know now that I am meant to see Dr. Hil.gers.

For my peace of mind I want to seek out the founder of Napro, regardless if OHIP is going to pay for it (was it a coincidence that I got called back to work at the Ministry of Ed this summer? I think not!). I know that I let this chance pass me by that I will regret not taking the opportunity to have surgery done by him. Mr. JB also feels 100% certain that this is what we are supposed to do.

It's interesting how we have come back to this. I knew that it was a remote option that we could see Dr. Hil.gers when we were discussing my first and second surgeries, but I had faith in the surgeon that I was referred to. I don't regret having surgery with him, but I know that I have to go outside of Canada for my treatment. I also know in my heart that this is the last surgery that I will have for my endometriosis. I hope and pray that it will restore my fertility, but at the bottom of it all I want to be healthy. I don't want to have pain (which has been minimal, but I have been having pelvic pain for a while now which I'm sure is related to endo in my bowels or adhesions).

I also know that there are other doctors and other places to seek treatment, but those are not an option. My choice was between Dr. Hil.gers and Dr. S in PA, and now we know who we are going to go with. There have been many things that I have doubted in my quest for baby JellyBelly, but this isn't one of them.

Now I need prayers that some kind bureaucrat will feel sorry for my case and check that box that will make going to Omaha so much easier!

Agog

2011-06-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

[I have the day off to write report cards, instead I woke up at 10am, lazed around and got some marking done. And now that I have access to the shiny new computer, I've decided to blog. Procrastinate much?]

I just got off the phone with Dr. S's office in PA (thank you E for the hook-ups!) and I finally got the lowdown on how much surgery is going to cost in PA. Needless to say, I'm shocked! I was told that the first visit would be $216, the lap/hysteroscopy/selective HSG would be $3500, but then the hospital fee (including anaesthesia) would be $28 000! I had to ask her to repeat herself since I was so shocked! I explained to her that we're totally not used to paying for any healthcare costs so anything seems high (the last time I was in the hospital I paid $16, and it was for the phone in my room).

Holy moly.

I know that surgery in Om.aha will run about $13 000 (thanks Joyce for sharing your experience with me!) which is so much less, plus hotel. I'm hoping that we can work my BIL's Jesuit connections to help us out (have I mentioned that he studied at Creighton?). I'm leaning towards driving down since Mr. JB would need a vehicle while I'm recuperating and renting would just be that much more of an added cost.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but at least my choice is clear. Right?

Crossroads

2011-06-09T21:11:00.000-05:00

First off, thank you so much for your prayers! I was able to talk to the nurse at PPVI and now I'm in the queue for scheduling surgery with Dr. Hil.gers. I explained to her that I needed a date to give to my local Napro doctor and she said that since I am willing to wait for Dr. H that it won't be until September or October. So I am going to use a "dummy date" of sometime in the early fall.

Still not feeling 100% at ease about that.

I think that I need to start some sort of campaign to convince the Onta.rio government to pay for my surgery. I do have political contacts, but I know that I can work my local MP and MPP -- both of which are Roman Catholic (but we only voted for one of them!). We have an election coming up in the fall, but it would definitely reflect favourably if our MPP helped me out. Mr. JB and I are very well connected in the local church community and I would be more than happy to share how he helped us.

The biggest thing for me is that if I start to contact people in my community, as well as ask influential people to write letters on my behalf, I am going to have to come out of the IF closet. I have been very selective about who knows about my IF, although if one could connect the dots it would be easy enough to figure out.

I want this surgery and I know that Dr. H can restore my fertility. I deserve to get something out of this incredibly long and painful journey, besides multiple surgical scars.

Although I want to go full force and pursue a trip to Omaha, I also know that there is a doctor in PA that can help. If OHIP doesn't pay for my surgery it would be so much more convenient to drive to Pennsylvania. Dr. Nora has told me that cost of surgery is considerably cheaper, although I haven't found out what the cost differential actually is.

I hate that so much boils down to money.

I know that I can't put a price on growing my family and that we are both gainfully employed. I also have this summer gig that is going to make me $4 500 and I have my salary from last summer that has been invested by our money guy. We have also put our house hunting on hold while we get the surgery business under control (and we also have to save $100 000 so I can get the house that I want, but that's another post for another time).

So I guess I'm in need of some more prayers and advice. What would you do if you had to ask your government to cover surgery? Would you ask your friends and family to start a letter writing campaign? I've also thought of contact media, but I think that I have to be selective about who I contact (I'm thinking the Ca.tholic Re.gister and there's also a medical show on the C.BC).

p.s. My school principal forwarded me an e-mail regarding an upcoming information meeting for aspiring vice-principals. It is definitely something that I have thought about, but IF has taken the wind out of my sails (and I also thought that I would be a stay-at-home mom and not still slogging it out in the classroom). Mr. JB thinks that I should attend since he believes that administration is something that I'm going to do eventually (read: after we have kids and they are old enough to be self-sufficient). When I started teaching ten years ago I thought that my life would be so different, but God had some very different plans for me!

(Seemingly) The Longest List in the World

2011-06-06T21:24:00.001-05:00

Or so it seems to me!

In preparation for my phone call to Omaha tomorrow (please Lord, I hope that I can find a private place during my planning time so I can actually call!) I had to send a list of my medications. It took me quite a while to compile my list.

I know you're all excited to see it, so here it is:

From family doctor:
Sing.ulair
Flo.vent
Vent.olin

From Dr. T (NaproTechnology doctor) :

Low Dose Nalt.rexone 4.5 mg

Metf.ormin (2x day, 500mg)

Pre.Vit (prenatal)

H.CG (post-Peak +3, 5, 7, 9)

Estra.ce (Peak +3 to +10)

Cor.tef 10mg 2x/day (breakfast and lunch)

From Dr. Nora (Naturopath):

Vitamin C 500mg 1x/day

Magnesium Citrate 150mg 1x/day

Zinc Picolinate 30mg 1x/day

Vitamin E 400IU 1x/day

Molybedenum 150mcg 1x/day

Chromium Picolinate 200mcg 2x/day

Evening Primrose Oil 1300mg 2x/day (post-Peak)

B complex (B1, B2, B6, B12) 200mcg

Liquid Herbs/Tinctures

Morning:

1. Astralagus Root/Ginseng Root Chinese White

2. Schisandra Berry/Maca Root

3. Burdock/Dandelion/Celadine/Calendula

4. Milk Thistle/Siberian Ginseng

Afternoon (throughout cycle);
1. Rhodiola

2. Devil’s Club/ Gysnema Leaf

Afternoon pre-Peak:

1. Tribulus/Rhodiola/Dong Quai

2. Red Clover

Afternoon post-Peak:

1. Chaste Tree Berry/Vervain Leaf

Am I the only one that thinks this list is crazy????

I do have to say that I do feel really good. I just need to figure out how to take Met.formin and Hy.drocort since they seem to work against one another (thanks to Patiently Waiting for her help today!).

I really hope that I can connect with the booking nurse tomorrow. I would love to have a surgery date for when I see my Napro doc on the 16th!

My aching head

2011-06-05T19:26:00.001-05:00

This is my second Sunday in a row that I have felt awful.

Last week Mr. JB accidentally fed me something with gluten in it (and I suffered with a horrible migraine for 24 hours) and today I'm not quite sure why I feel sick. Or maybe I do.

A few weeks ago a friend from our parish mentioned that I could receive a low gluten host. This morning before mass I mentioned it to our pastor and he was able to get one for me so I could receive the host for the first time in a LONG while. I was happy receiving from the cup, but there is just something about being able to receive the bread.

I didn't feel anything instantaneously, but I have felt off all afternoon.

Mr. JB reminded me that I woke up with a headache (which I am sure is from clenching my jaw, yet another thing that I need to work on) and that my symptoms are not as severe as they were last week. There is also only a trace amount of wheat gluten in the host (from what I could find from the Internet) -- something like 0.1% gluten.

I wish that my body just worked normally.

[sigh]

p.s. I have a question regarding taking Hyd.rocort and Met.formin. I've noticed that when I take them together (which I have been doing at breakfast) that I so tired and totally not energized like I usually did before starting Met.formin. I checked Dr. Google this afternoon and it said that there is a drug interaction with regards to blood sugar. Should I be taking them apart? Help!
------------------------------------------------------------------

T Update: Mr. JB spoke to T's sister for a long time this afternoon. His wife is definitely not helping the situation (she was more concerned about the money he spent on the hotel room than she was for his safety on Friday night) at all. T's mom wanted him to go home with them on Friday night after he was released from the hospital, but he insisted that he go home to be with his three daughters. T's sister also mentioned that when the police told the family where T's general location was on Friday night it was a friend of his wife's that called the hotels in the area. T's wife also spent 15 minutes on the phone with T's mom before she mentioned that he was missing.

She didn't even ride in the same car home with him.

I know that I'm painting a horrible picture of this woman, but she is the main reason why T is out of touch with his friends (Mr. JB was his best man at their wedding, so they were at one time, very close).

Please continue to pray for this poor man and his family. I can't imagine the environment that his children are growing up in, nor can I imagine how trapped he must be feeling.

Emergency Prayers PLEASE!!! -- Updated

2011-06-03T22:07:00.001-05:00

Mr. JB just got a message from a close friend's sister. From what we've heard via e-mail and Fac.ebook, he's on the verge of suicide. Apparently, Mr. JB's friend, T, left for the hardware store at about 5:30pm and his wife just got an e-mail message that he was going to kill himself.

There is a long, sad back story. What it boils down to is that he is in a horrible marriage and his wife is not a very nice person.

Please pray for T, Mr. JB is pretty worried, as am I.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update: After I posted last night Mr. JB and T's sister were in touch a few more times. At about 11pm he sent an e-mail to his wife saying goodbye. She called the police and they were able to locate him at a hotel in Toronto (about an hour and a half from where he lives). The police found him and took him to the hospital and his parents drove into the city to take him home.

Mr. JB spoke to T's mom this morning and she told him that they took T home to his wife and children, something that I find pretty shocking. His mom said that she didn't have words to describe what they went through last night.

Please continue to pray for T. We're so thankful that he's okay, but I think that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

The Eternal W-A-I-T

2011-05-30T20:50:00.001-05:00

I have learned so many things from almost six years of IF.

One of which is how to wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate having to be patient.

All the time.

Argh.

Setting up a surgery date with PPVI is proving to be yet another trial to my patience. The woman that does the bookings is only there Tuesdays mornings. Like most teachers, I am quite busy on Tuesday mornings. It's tough for me to find time to pee, let alone call Omaha during my morning! So I fired off an e-mail to the booking nurse explaining my case and why I needed a date in the near future.

Let's just hope she takes pity on me and gives me something!

[sigh]

I did have a moment of clarity last week: I know that I am meant to have my third (and hopefully final!) surgery in the US. I am not counting on my provincial health care footing the bill for my surgery and after the summer I will have most of the money to pay for surgery in Omaha, although I'm hoping that surgery in PA will be cheaper since we can actually drive there!

I should be thankful for the options that are open to us and I know that all of this was meant to happen -- yes, even the pesky pelvic abscess which was so much fun.

I just hope and pray that this part of my IF journey is just a little easier that the road that I have already traveled.

------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. Aunt Fran's funeral was so beautiful. It is so unfortunate that we only seem to see our extended family at weddings and at funerals. The church basement was being painted and the Lion's Hall was being used so the reception after the funeral was at her house. She would've been so happy that everyone got to see her beautiful garden that she was working in when she had her heart attack. We've shed many tears, not all sad, but she was a reminder to live life to its fullest and to appreciate everything that God has given us.

Paralysis

2011-05-24T20:08:00.001-05:00

I've been sitting on the couch in a relative stupor for hours.

I thought that going to a Restorative yoga class this afternoon would help clear my head, but I'm just done.

I have my PPVI paperwork to fill out. I have math tests to mark. I have a messy kitchen.

And most of all I'm sad.

I know that Auntie Fran lived a long and happy life. She survived the sudden death of her first husband in a tragic train accident when she was pregnant with her third child. She was a single mom when it wasn't common. She finished her degree at night school and taught Family Studies, all with young children at home. She went on to marry her second husband who she also survived.

I couldn't imagine outliving TWO husbands!

She was a happy grandmother who loved to garden and cook for her family. I will never forget the first squishy hug that she gave me at my very first family reunion, or the happiness on her face when we saw her after mass on Sunday morning.

Auntie Fran would be so upset with us if she knew how many tears we have shed today.

It seems like 2011 is a year of loss for the JellyBelly household.

And yes, AF arrived today. I prayed for a miracle, but alas my many novenas and supplications didn't work.

I'm so tired of being sad. So, so tired.

Thank you all for all of your prayers and support. I need to find something low GI that will work as good as chocolate and wine does. I think that I'm in for quite a search.

:(

2011-05-24T06:39:00.001-05:00

Auntie Fran died this morning at 5:40.
Needless to say we are both devastated, but as Mr JB just said, she is reunited with her husbands, one of which she hasn't seen in 60 years.
Please pray for the repose of her soul and for the comfort of her children and grandchildren.
Now, I have to get through the day. [sigh]

Prayers please!

2011-05-23T16:23:00.001-05:00

I'm in need of your help again, my dear blog friends.

Mr JB's Aunt Fran had a heart attack this afternoon. She's about 80 and is in pretty good health, or so we thought until just now. We saw her after mass yesterday and she was so happy to see us. Aunt Fran has survived two husbands (one that was killed in a train accident while she was pregnant with her third child), the deaths of two son-in-laws and has a daughter-in-law who is currently battling cancer. She lives in a house right beside the Catholic church in Mr JB's hometown, so hopefully that proximity will help out.

She is the sweetest lady and has one of the biggest hearts in a person so small.

We had a couple of months of quiet, I guess.

Please storm heaven for our Auntie Fran!!!!!

Hi God..., (with a new p.s.)

2011-05-18T16:43:00.002-05:00

...it's me, JellyBelly,

First off, thank you so much for the break in the rain. I thought that I was going to lose my mind this morning when we woke up to another morning of the wet stuff. Indoor recess with 19 7 year olds is not fun. Ever.

I've been having one of those days. When I got to school one of my colleagues told me about the house that she is going to look at with her soon-to-be fiance. She mentioned that she didn't want to move in together before her wedding, but she wasn't sure if her fiance could afford to live in the house they want alone. She was trying to justify living together before marriage and it annoyed me so much! I had to bite my tongue and leave the room. I know that I shouldn't judge others, but it was so hard.

It also doesn't help that this particular colleague has been getting on my nerves. One of my students won a competition the other day and she was trying to take the credit by saying how much work she did with him in grade one. It really hurt my feelings since I've done a lot of work with him too!

Oh God, please give me more patience. I seem to be lacking.

I am also having a very hard time with my colleague's new pregnancy. Every day I see her, and we see one another a lot, I feel pangs of jealousy. I want so badly for a baby to grow in my womb. Haven't I been waiting long enough?

Lord, I am pleading with you for a break. IF has been a heavier than usual weight on my shoulders. I feel like you keep providing more answers, but it doesn't make it easier.

I feel so forgotten right now, Lord. I wish that I didn't, but I do.

Love,
JellyBelly

p.s. I attended my school's Confirmation this evening and the Bishop's words really stuck in my head. He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course) that watching the young people of my school receive such an important sacrament is a reminder for us (the congregation) to become closer to Christ and remember our Confirmation. I remember my Confirmation night so clearly -- particularly because I was afraid that I was going to start speaking in tongues when I got anointed with the chrism! I'm holding fast to this cross Lord, but please be merciful on my impatient heart!

Random Monday Night Thoughts

2011-05-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

1) First off, thank you all for your comments on my last post (yes, even the ones that were eaten up and erased forever by Blogger). The nurses at the PPVI are going to call tomorrow afternoon and hopefully Mr. JB can talk to them to arrange a surgery date. As soon as we get a date, I can let my Napro doctor know and she can send in that paperwork!

2) I was overcome with gratitude when I read Tishi's comments about having a fundraiser for my surgery if my provincial health insurance doesn't cover my surgery. Part of me would feel guilty to raise money, but it would make things so much easier! I've also decided to write my local politicians to ask for their help. This is an election year and our local MPP and our newly elected MP are also Catholic, so who knows? It could only help, right?

3) I've been so torn about what to do with our adoption plans. My heart is really set on international adoption, but there is no way we could do a surgery in the US and adopt from Asia. I feel like we are really called to adopt a baby from close to where my family is from. I wish that it wasn't so important for me to have a child that looks somewhat like me, but it does.

4) It looks like my brother-in-law is heading to East Africa next year. He's almost done his studies in Rome and then he will be in Boston for a short while and then he'll be in Africa for a year. He floated the idea of being in Ethiopia. My first thought was, "Maybe he could find us a baby to adopt!" I was hoping that he would end up in the Philippines so my family could take care of him, but alas that doesn't look like it's going to happen.

5) School is ridiculously busy. I feel like I haven't stopped in weeks! I have a couple of students that have been acting really strange lately. I've had to pray for patience more than once, and I'd appreciate a couple prayers that I can stay patient. I don't like to raise my voice, but sometimes it's unavoidable (particularly when they're doing things that aren't safe!). I suspect that one of the kids is somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I know that his mother is not prepared to deal with a diagnosis like that!

6) A really nice house came on the market and Mr. JB and I decided that we were going to pass. I think that we need to focus our money on getting me healthier and growing our family. We're not going to stop looking, but I know in my heart that this is not the right time to be house hunting.

7) I've been so exhausted. I think that my body (and particularly my liver) have been working overtime! On top of all of my vitamins and liquid herbs, I'm taking E.strace, Met.formin (which is going so much better), HCG, and LDN. I've been waking up with a headache since starting E.strace post-Peak. It also doesn't help that it's cold and rainy. Yuck.

8) I have to get my Peak +7 blood work done tomorrow. Again, yuck.

9) I have a cyst on the bottom of my middle toe on my left foot. I went to my GP (yes, the one that I can't stand) and she's going to send me to a foot specialist. Not fun. I hope that it can removed in a doctor's office. The last thing I want is to be under anaesthesia again!

10) I've been having problems with my jaw again. My RMT and my chiropractor have been working on it for months! I asked my chiropractor if she thought that an osteopath would work (she doesn't, but she thinks that it would help my IF). I think that I may need a hypnotist since all of my jaw issues are subconscious. I see my dentist in July so hopefully he has some ideas. Do any of you have any experience with hypnotists? I'm serious here.

I need to get to bed and say my novenas!!!

p.s. This is my 504th post! So crazy!

Calling Omaha

2011-05-11T15:52:00.002-05:00

In the midst of all of the feel-me-sorries and getting used to my new diet (as I type this I have been gorging on the most tasty gluten-free popped corn chips, not low GI at all, but I just need to eat them!) I completely forgot that I got a letter from the Pope Paul VI Institute!

For those of you that are not in the loop, my Canadian Napro doctor is trying to get my provincial health care to pay for my surgery in Omaha. She sent my file to Omaha for Dr. Hilgers to review and I received a copy of the review a few weeks ago.

So these are Dr. H's recommendations:

"She should have a thorough hormone evaluation of her menstrual cycle (without medications), a thyroid system dysfunction panel, an ultrasound series to determine whether there is an ovulation-related defect, and a diagnostic laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and selective hysterosalpingogram, as well as, possible dilation and curettage (D&C) and endometrial cultures. I do realize that she has had a laparotomy in the past for endometriosis, pelvic adhesions, and uterine fibroids; however, given that she experienced a pelvic infection postoperatively, there is a high likelihood of discovering pelvic adhesions in addition to possible recurrence of endometriosis lesions or a persistant endometrioma based on the postoperative diagnostic CT imaging."

He also continued to say that I would need to stay in Omaha for 7 to 10 days to complete everything.

Holy moly!

My Napro doctor said that when I received the letter that I would have to call Omaha to get a tentative surgery date, which I did when I got home from school. I spoke to a very friendly nurse on the phone and I was told that I would be phoned next Tuesday to schedule.

I have no idea whether my provincial health care will pay for my procedure. Dr. Nora, my naturopath extraordinaire thinks that it would be very good PR for the government to fund my surgery as an alternative to ART. I never thought of myself as a public spokeswoman for Catholic IF, but if it's going to get my ladyparts cleaned up, I will have to do it.

I hope that the powers that be will be sympathetic to my poor barren self. We could find the funds to pay for surgery, but it would be so wonderful for someone else to do it!

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Update of my weirdo bleeding: It hasn't subsided, but hasn't gotten any heavier. It seems to be the same timing as the bleeding that happened November, although so much lighter. Unfortunately it's definitely been more brown than anything. [sigh]

Can't an IF girl get a break????

The mystery that is my body --- HELP!!!

2011-05-10T16:56:00.000-05:00

So I believed that after my last blood draw that things were improving.

Oh, how my body likes to surprise me.

At the end of the day I started spotting. It's CD18 and if I am following the same pattern as last month, today should be my Peak day.

I did have strange bleeding in November 2010 and Dr. Nora figures that it was because of low hormones.

Now I have no idea what to think.

So my friends, does anyone have any insight? advice? a padded room that I can retreat to?

Spring Fever

2011-05-09T20:32:00.000-05:00

The sunshine totally lifted my spirits today.

I'm so tired of seeing all of the depressing blog posts so I thought I would post about something that wasn't so sad.

I know that this is a TTC blog and that it is pretty obvious what activities one has to engage in to help facilitate conception.

Do you know where I'm going here?

Well, for the past week I've been feeling a lot more randy (I just made sure that the definition was correct on dictionary.com, and yes if you check it out, I do mean the first definition).

I have to admit that after almost six years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby that my libido isn't always at its peak. Anyone that has gone through IF knows how much of a trial it can be to even want to engage in marital relations. I assume that it's my normalizing hormones coupled with all of the amazing herbs, tinctures and vitamins that my naturopath has me on as well as the arrival of warmer weather.

Mr. JB is thrilled, to say the least!

Anyone have any insight into this latest development?